Sunday, April 04, 2010
Today was wonderful.
My husband and I were invited over to our neighbor friends' house for brunch then to go with them sailing around the harbor. It was so nice to spend time with friends over a great meal then sail, enjoying the lovely weather.
The only difficult part was tracking what I ate. Most of the time I prepare my own food so I know exactly what goes into it. For most of today, I have no idea. My husband suggested that I not worry about tracking today, but I think it is important to at least try. I mean, I can't just blow it off on days I eat away from home, because those are the days I think I need to be the most vigilant.
So I decided I'd do my best at estimating my daily intake. I did the whole day blind in the sense that I did not look at any totals until everything was entered and I did my best to try to record realistic estimates. In the end, I was within my calorie range but just barely. It is likely that my calories for the day were even higher than I estimate. But I'm proud of myself for at least being in the ballpark, because I ate until I was satisfied, then stopped. I ate when I was hungry and not when I wasn't. And even if I was slightly higher on calories today, I know with certainty that what I ate today was definitely less than what I would have eaten had I not been more conscious of my food intake based on my past food-tracking experience. That's pretty cool!
I'm living life and, in the process, I really am changing my relationship with food.
Saturday, April 03, 2010
I am grateful for:
- A wonderful, supportive, and loving husband
- Great friends
- My wonderful body for putting up with all my bad habits over the years
- A comfortable place to live in a safe, charming neighborhood
- (More than) Enough to eat
- Beautiful spring weather
- The opportunity to go sailing tomorrow
- The upcoming adoption of two adorable kitties
- Time to exercise
- Time to reflect on what is important to me and to get my priorities straight
- Time to be alive
To be continued...
Thursday, April 01, 2010
I went to Panera Bread today for coffee with a friend. I'd never been there before. Everything looked so good and I really wanted a little something to go with my coffee. I especially had my eye on a Cobblestone sweet roll (cinnamon raising bread cubes mixed with apples and spices, then topped with streusel and white icing). On a whim, I asked if nutritional information was available. The clerk pulled a binder from behind the counter and helped me to find the Cobblestone. I gasped when I found that a mere muffin-sized treat made out of raisin bread could have 650 calories. Okay, maybe not. So instead I ordered a carrot walnut muffin (440 calories). Then, I REALLY enjoyed my muffin, stopping 2/3 of the way through.
- I believe today was the first day in my life that I ever threw away part of a delicious muffin. I even felt okay about it because I really enjoyed the part that I did eat.
- Panera Bread made nutritional information available to help me make my food selection. I should ask other food establishments for nutritional information, because they might have it behind their counter, too.
- On occasion, I can eat a yummy treat in the afternoon with my coffee and still stay within my calorie range for the day and not feel guilty.
- Now that I know I can practice restraint, next time I might try the Cobblestone and eat only part.
Does anyone know if the Cobblestone sweet roll tastes as good as it looks?
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Yesterday was one of the worst days Iíve had in a long time. By the end of the day I was so exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. Thankfully, the sun was shining when I woke up this morning. I still feel residue from all of yesterdayís unresolved stuff, but, after reading the comments from wonderful SparkPeople, I felt like I had a starting point to start evaluating where I am and where I want to go.
I thought a lot about the comments and ideas that were offered. I spent a lot of time today mulling over all of my options and what might be the best direction to take. In the end, I still donít know what I should do, but I now have a finite number of avenues to explore. After talking with my husband, I also believe that I should not give up on my desire to be a practicing attorney until I get a job or until my heart desires something else. I canít give up when the very thought makes me so despondent.
Maybe this time of unemployment is an intensive life course in how to learn to be patient, take care of myself, and have faith that things will work out in time. As my husband reminds me, it is not me, it is the lousy economy. And the lousy economy will eventually improve.
In the meantime, I AM learning and changing. Last night I considered eating some chocolate. It would have been really easy to reach over and take some chocolate eggs out of my husbandís candy bowl. I didnít, though, which is completely uncharacteristic of the old me. I do wonder, however, whether the removal of old coping mechanisms that no longer work has an effect on my ability to handle stress. Iíve lost one of my main coping mechanisms (relief through eating) that Iíve relied on for so many years, but Iíve not yet found something equally effective and feeling the raw feelings is, at times, so uncomfortable, a little bit scary, and occasionally overwhelming. I need to learn a new way to cope.
This journey is about so much more than just losing weight.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Iíve been looking for a job as an entry-level attorney for almost a year now. The anniversary of my lay off holds psychological significance. Do I really want to continue to hold out hope of getting an attorney position into another year? At what point do I just give up and start seriously applying for jobs that are non-attorney positions? I went to school and studied hard to pass the bar exam. I loved being a practicing attorney for the brief time that I was one. I felt like I was born to do the work. I thought it was my destiny, but am I wrong? Iím not ready to give up yet, but what am I supposed to do?
I have been very good about eating nutritious foods and staying within my calorie range. I have been exercising consistently. Yet, tomorrow is my weekly weigh in and as of today I am exactly the same weight as I was at last weekís weigh in. How is this possible?
I went to yoga today. The instructor had us doing (or attempting to do) ridiculously advanced moves such as tucking shoulders under knees then standing only on our hands with our legs in the air. She had the class attempt about five similar moves, all of which were too advanced for me. Also, when my oversized abdomen prevented me from moving how I was instructed to move, I felt really fat. Twice during the class I got really light headed. I know the poses were too advanced for me right now, and the poses were the instructorís choice, not mine. But I still left the class wondering if Iím capable of doing anything right.
I came home from class and ate two waffles with Nutella, banana slices, and lots of whipped cream. Iím still within my calories for the day, so thatís good. But Iím not happy about why I ate the waffles. I was too bummed to be actually hungry. I ate them because I was feeling so bummed. I ate them because I wanted to feel better, but I donít.
My life is so far from how I would want it to be and I donít know what to do to fix it. I feel so defeated today.
I know this, too, will pass. I will feel better and regain a more positive outlook. If I keep at it, I will lose weight, eventually find some job, and become fit. But right at this moment I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and have a really good cry.
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