Friday, March 19, 2010
Yesterday was really rough. I was so sad I couldn’t seem to stop crying. I don’t know what happened. In general, I’ve been feeling up for the last several weeks and I’m feeling much better today, but yesterday I seemed to be overwhelmed by waves of grief or depression, I’m not sure which.
Yesterday, I woke up not wanting to face the day. I couldn’t seem to get out of my funk, but thought exercise would help, because of the endorphins and all that. I went to pilates and had a good class, but felt no better afterwards. I had friendly conversations with several people, but still felt so down. As the day went on I seemed to be feeling sadder and sadder.
In the afternoon, I thought a cookie would cheer me up…nothing else seemed able to and sugar plus deliciousness usually did the job. I looked at the nutritional information for one oatmeal raisin cookie and it was only 90 calories, so I had a cookie and coffee. I felt proud that I went to pilates even though I didn’t really feel like moving and that I ate only one cookie. I felt even more bummed, though, that I ate a cookie to medicate my mood, which is something I’ve really been working on. I was also bummed that what used to work—feeling better after eating a cookie or something equally sugary and delicious—had no impact on my mood. I suppose that’s good in a round about way, though, because next time I might be less inclined to use food to medicate.
On an irritating note, my husband informed me that I misread the nutritional information. Turns out that although a serving size was one cookie, a “cookie” was defined as .8 oz, but the actual cookie was 1.6 oz. That really irked me. I felt scammed by the cookie company. At least I was within my calorie range for the day even with the extra “cookie.”
Anyway, every day is an opportunity to learn something new. And every day I try to do just that. I just wish I could figure out what happened to my mood yesterday. And why just yesterday? I’m so glad I’m feeling more upbeat today, but why was I feeling SO down?
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Today, I saw a tall, rail thin, beautifully dressed lady. I was envious of her. Why the burst of envy? At first I thought it was because she's thin and I'm not and I'd really like to be. But that didn't feel quite right. I like having curves and know that a great body is hiding in here somewhere. Turns out that what I was envious of was her clothes and how they looked on her. They fit. They draped properly. The shirt did not strain at the middle button. The wasteband did not cut into her middle so that she had muffin top. All the lines were clean. I want that, too. I want to be able to find clothes that fit. I want to get back down to a size where I can walk into any clothing store, pick up a cute item, try it on, and have it accentuate my figure, not fight it. After, I felt highly motivated to exercise extra hard.
Walking home from the gym I realized that I could use envy to gauge what is important to me. If I'd just felt the envy and not taken the time to figure out why I felt envious, then I wouldn't have learned anything. But I did think about it and understood why I was feeling envious. Once I did that, I wasn't envious of the lady any more. I was happy for her. I also know that I will get there eventually, too. I realized that my envy, when examined, was a strong motivator, spurring me to work harder toward getting what is important to me. Envy can do some good.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I wasn't feeling great today and the thought of attempting to get my legs over my head did not appeal, so I ditched pilates class and went into the main gym area instead. Having new tennies, I decided to take them for a test drive on the treadmill. Turns out the shoes have to go back, but I ran RAN for three minutes straight. This may not sound like much, but the most I could do the last time I was on the treadmill was two minutes and just barely at that. I am just thrilled! Next goal: jogging 4 minutes straight.
After my walking warm-up, I moved through the circuit of weight machines. The last time I did the circuit was sometime in October of last year. I set all the weights to the October level, but found that except for one exercise, I was able to do more reps than the last time. I got stronger and I'm sure it is from the yoga, pilates, and water aerobic classes I've been taking. Boy, did it feel good to learn that I'm getting stronger and more aerobically fit from taking excercise classes that I really enjoy. Yoga tomorrow. Yay!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
I put my foot down yesterday. I've been exercising and being more mindful of what I've been eating, but no weight loss yet. After a review of my food journal and nutrition tracker, I noticed several things:
1) I eat until I'm over-full about 50% of my dinners. I don't have this problem during the day, which got me to thinking...it's because I clean my plate and my dinner plates are huge.
2) Even though I've been cutting down on sugary foods and trying to eat more healthfully, sugary and even healthful foods can pack a wallop when it comes to calories.
As a result, I resolved to serve myself smaller dinner portions, to not clean my plate every night, and to cut out all sweets. Sounded great when I made the resolution in the afternoon.
Nighttime. Dinner is almost done. I notice I'm comfortably full, but there's still delicious food on the plate. I stop eating. I feel uncomfortable thinking about wasting (or is it not eating?) the remaining food. The food is staring at me. I ignore it. It sings to me. I eat every last bite of it. I'm confused. Then it occurs to me that I just set myself up. I required myself to exert self control in a situation where I know I am vulnerable. Instead of beating myself up, I made a new resolution: Eat until comfortably full, then immediately pack up or throw out the remaining food so I am not forced to exhibit self control. Whew! Food: 1, Me: >1.
So now I'm happily watching TV with the hubby when he pulls two cookies out a box of cookies he recently got as a birthday gift. I'm full, mind you, but I covet those cookies. I tell myself I can't have them because I resolved just this afternoon to not eat any more junk food. But I want a cookie! It would taste so good! But would it? Did I really want the cookie or did I just want it because I knew I "couldn't" have it? Hmmm. Let's test this theory. Okay, Ms. Cookie-Craver, eat a bite of the cookie if you want. In fact, have a cookie! Wait. If I eat that cookie, how many minutes of exercise would I have to do to burn it off? Will it really taste THAT good? You know what...I don't really want a cookie after all. I think I'll just make myself a nice, warm cup of tea. Sipping my tea, I decide to modify my junk food resolution: I may or may not have a cookie some other time.
To be continued...
Saturday, March 13, 2010
I've been taking exercise classes five days a week for three weeks, but still no weight loss or reduction in measurements. I know it is because I've been more hungry after exercising, so I've been eating more. Well, I recently weighed myself and found out that I'd gained weight! How is that possible? I was so discouraged, but I still went to my pilates class as scheduled.
I find that a cheerleader is much more motivating to me than a drill seargent, so I'm being my own cheerleader. I'm actively trying to give myself pep talks and say, "Good job!" more often. So, I told myself that I was proud of me for going to exercise class and not just throwing up my hands in defeat. I kept telling myself throughout the class, and especially after difficult exercises, that I WAS improving, getting stronger, getting more flexible, that my exercising was not a waste of time because it hasn't resulted in any weight loss. By the end of class I was so exhausted. Even with the self-encouragement, there was this niggling feeling like all the work wasn't really making any difference. I felt so tired.
As I was packing up my mat, the pilates instructor came over and asked me if this was my third class with her (three Thursdays in a row). It was. She told me that she was already seeing progress . . . at one point in the class, as she was walking back to help someone with form, she noticed that I was doing an exercise with perfect form and muscle control. She told me that she was impressed and to keep up the good work. Thank you pilates instructor! I had to be improving if someone could observe it, right? My hard work was starting to pay off. Maybe not the way I had expected, but I'm doing something good for myself and I'm moving in the right direction. I don't know why those few words of encouragement meant so much to me, but they did. I was still exhausted, but I didn't feel as tired.
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