Friday, July 16, 2010
I have to be honest...after yesterday's stunning disappointment I was just about ready to give up on my current job search and just start figuring out what to do with my life. Well, I don't have to do that anymore, or at least not for a little while. Why?..........(suspense)............
I GOT ACCEPTED TO AN INTERN PROGRAM!!!!! Finally, some good news! The funny part is that this is a 10-month long, unpaid position, but I am still ECSTATIC! I am so thrilled that, once again, I will be working in a professional environment (with real, live people I can talk to) doing what I was trained to do. I hope I can meet lots of new people and learn a lot so when the 10 months is up I'll be able to get a paying position. I don't know when I start yet, but I expect it will be soon as the office is rather busy. I'm supposed to go in for an interview to meet my potential supervisor next week to work out all the details. Pinch me!!!!!
And some other good news...I did measurements yesterday and learned that, since starting on SP, I have lost 5 inches off of my waist (no wonder why I can take my jeans off now without having to unbutton or unzip them). Equally, or maybe even more exciting, is that I lost an inch from my neck. This is really important with regards to my sleep apnea. In fact, I did not take my CPAP with me on my trip, because it's a real bear to get it through airport security; however, Hubby did not lose sleep on our trip, so I must be breathing better. He did say that I snored a little, but not as much or as loudly as I did before I got my CPAP machine. Now, that's progress!!!
Now, it's time to go make Hubby dinner for our 15th wedding anniversary (fancy restaurant tomorrow). Have a great weekend!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I had planned to write this blog yesterday, but was way too depressed to bother, so I'm writing it today instead. Unfortunately, the nays keep coming.
First, the Nays:
I have been waiting to hear the outcome of a job interview I went on over two months ago. I thought the interview went really well, but not hearing for so long was making me nervous. Well, yesterday I contacted the office for the third time and was given the lousy news that although the interviewers really liked me and even though I was a top contender, they decided to hire someone else. I am devastated. I thought this job would have been perfect for me and I could have been a great employee for them, too. But for whatever reason, I was not good enough.
With my best chance gone, I decided to contact the HR department where my application was still pending. Bad news again. I won't even be asked in for an interview. If anything, I thought I was overqualified for this job. Maybe I was and that's why they don't even want to talk to me. Punch to the gut number two. I've been trying to get a job for well over a year now. I feel like such an utter and total failure. (I know this is loaded with cognitive errors, but it's how I feel, not a reflection of reality).
I am so bummed that I'm not even hungry. So what do I do? I go to a French bakery and eat an entire chocolate mousse cup. Now I feel ill and I'm still depressed, but it tasted really good, and I'm kinda feeling like I don't give a #&^* right now anyway.
I was so depressed yesterday, that I didn't want to eat (too bad this didn't hold true today). Instead, I did my Couch to 5K program's Week 8 Day 2, which is a solid 28-minute jog. I actually jogged along the Inner Harbor the entire time without stopping. This is something because my gym is closed this week for spring cleaning. I've never really jogged outside before in the heat. It was in the 80's yesterday, but I still did it. I'm really proud of myself for this accomplishment.
This morning was weigh-in for the Biggest Loser competition. I lost 1.5 pounds since last week, which is really impressive because the past week included out-of-state travel and three continuous days of parties. I did indulge, but was mindful and tried to keep the calories reasonable and get in some exercise. I guess I did a better job at it than I initially thought. Yay! Here's hoping that the chocolate mousse doesn't derail this accomplishment.
Now, if only I could just get a job...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Well, I'm back to my life again. I am in my home with my two sleeping kitties and can really feel the silence after spending four days with the in-laws. I had a good time, but am glad to be home again, too.
I was afraid that I gained a lot of weight on my trip, but I was relieved that I stayed within my current weight range and today I am just half a pound up from my lowest recent weight. I'm hoping that I'll be back on track tomorrow for the BL weekly weigh-in.
The trip pushed a lot of my emotional eating buttons. I resisted for the most part, but did cave in on a few occasions. Even so, it was really interesting to observe myself in various challenging situations. Martha Beck, in her book "The Four Day Win," talks about becoming the Watcher to observe the Child and the Dictator. The Dictator is the taskmaster or conscience inside us who tells us to eat right and exercise and all the very adult things we should do. The Child is something of the rebel and can only take the Dictator's oppression for so long before rebelling, unless the Child and the Dictator have come to some kind of understanding. This is the battle that I fought in my own head for most of my life. However, I came to understand this conflict and have since made peace (most of the time) between my Dictator and my Child. This understanding was made possible by the Watcher, that part of me that could step back and view my internal struggle objectively.
Well, the Watcher observed me during my cousin's wedding weekend and then again on my trip to visit in-laws, and was pleased and sad at the same time. I am pleased because I did not eat nearly as much or as poorly as I would have pre-Spark. I made relatively good food choices, left food on the plate, and didn't eat every type of goodie available. However, I did eat a lot more than I do during my normal daily routine. But that's okay, because both were special occasions and I got right back to my usual healthful eating once I returned home. Also, Hubby and I made a conscious effort to get in some exercise and went for two long walks, which were good for mental as well as physical reasons. For all of this I am please and proud of myself. I am learning and I have grown (and not in a horizontal direction!).
I am a tad sad, though, because I realize how far I still need to go in the very area that resulted in my emotional eating in the first place. I need to deal with my anger. I thought I had made lots of progress, but I saw after this last trip that I've still got a lot of work to do.
For the few weeks leading up to the trip, I've been reviewing why I am always angry and what I can do about it. I am angry because someone does or says something to me that doesn't seem right. I think it is not right. I should speak up and say something, because the person may not even know how what they are doing is affecting me. On the other hand, even if they do, I need to stick up for myself. BUT I DON'T! I bite my tongue so often I'm surprised I've still got a tongue left. I'm angry because I feel victimized, but the truth is that I'm letting myself be victimized by not standing up for myself. Okay, I get it. I need to speak up. But then something happens and I think, "It's not worth making waves. The affront is too small and if I say something I'll come off as being petty." The problem with this way of thinking is that the issue is never resolved and whoever said or did whatever thinks it's fine because no one said anything and so they do it again and again.
So now I know what the problem is and I know how to stop it from happening in the future. I guess I still don't know HOW to do what I know must be done. How can I be assertive without hurting the person or making myself look petty? Or maybe that's an excuse and what I really am is afraid that the person I confront will push back or be angry with me. I know I've got to deal with my anger and what is causing it, but how do I do that? I have no problem standing up for others who have been slighted or wronged. Why can't I do it for myself? What am I really afraid of? I'm at something of a loss right now, so insights are welcome.
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
I wanted to post pictures from my cousin's wedding, but the upload feature is having great difficulty right now. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I am getting ready for a trip, so I really don't have the time to mess with this, but maybe when I return home. In the meantime, here is one picture of me and Hubby at the wedding, which is the only photo that successfully uploaded:
I don't know what kind of Internet access I will have, if any, over the next couple of days, so ta ta for now! Have a great week, everyone, and I'll see you when I see you!
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
The eating starting on Saturday afternoon. I got a call from my father on Friday night letting me know that he and his girlfriend were coming down for my cousin's wedding and he'd be in town for the weekend. He asked if he and his girlfriend could come over at some point to see where I live. In all the years since I have lived away from my childhood home, my father has never come for a visit.
Saturday afternoon, Hubby and I ate chocolate bundt cake slices with our afternoon cup of coffee. We did this even knowing that we were going to a rehearsal dinner that night. Why?
When Hubby and I got to the rehearsal dinner, everyone was so welcoming and a joy to be around. I was very pleased when several people noticed that I had lost weight and told me how beautiful I looked. Wow, that felt good! Then my dad's girlfriend says to me that I look fabulous! How much did I lose? 50 pounds? I did not know what to think. Was that a compliment? I told her that I had actually lost 30 pounds, and then she said, "Keep going! You can never be too thin!" What? That was the beginning of a stressful weekend.
Don't get me wrong...I really had a good time and enjoyed spending time with close and extended family. The wedding was so beautiful and touching. The whole weekend was full of great moments. But for some reason I felt fatigued and agitated and ate WAY beyond the top limit of my daily calorie range.
At first I thought the weekend's fatigue and agitation was from feeling overwhelmed by all the social interaction, loud music, and alcohol (2 glasses of wine and one glass of champagne over the weekend). Now, I'm thinking I was feeling less than my optimal self because I did not get my usual amount of exercise and because I ate a lot more sugar than I've been eating lately.
Today I went to my usual gym class and cut out the sugar for the most part. I'm already feeling less agitated. And although I was feeling fatigued this afternoon, I think I'm going to get a good night's sleep, because I'm feeling post-exercise tired right now as opposed to general fatigue. This is interesting, because soon I'll be attending a three day birthday extravaganza, which will include endless food and multiple cakes.
Which got me to thinking about lifestyle versus diet today. I had a moment of fear this morning about whether I had been kidding myself that I had actually made a lifestyle change. I went a bit food crazy this weekend (even though I ate much less than I would have eaten pre-Spark). Had I really just been dieting and fell of the wagon? Maybe. Then I started my day and slipped right back into my healthy lifestyle of good, nutritious food and exercise. And I feel better as a result. I know this weekend was a blip. I may have strayed, but I'm back on track once again. I know that I will likely stray again, but that is what happens in life, and that's okay.
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