Thursday, June 17, 2010
A few days ago I wrote a blog about my "Trouble Goal," which is my sleep non-schedule and how it negatively affects my life. Several people offered very good suggestions (thank you Leah, Nan, and Lynne). I also just read in "The Four Day Win," by Martha Beck, that it is a good idea to do something for four days, because it is not a huge commitment, which makes it seem more do-able, but it is long enough to establish the beginnings of a habit. Beck also suggests that the goal set for the four days should be something SO easy that it is laughable how easy it would be to achieve the four-day goal.
At first I thought I should go to bed at 11pm, but that didn't make me comfortable, because now I'm up from between 1am and 3am depending on how hard it is for me to fall asleep. So, as Beck recommends, I kept cutting that goal in half and then in half until I thought it was an easily achievable goal. So I've settled on going to sleep for the next four nights at or before 12:30am. Following the suggestions of the ladies, I'm going to set my alarm for an 8-hour sleep, which means getting up for the next four days at 8:30am. I think this is do-able. Once I have done this successfully for four days, I'll set earlier sleep times in four-day increments until I'm going to sleep at a reasonable time and waking up early enough and well-rested enough to get a good start on my day. So that's the plan. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Hubby and I adopted two Persian kittens on Saturday. The kittens are more than we could have hoped for. They are little love bugs, jumping up into my lap and purring like crazy. They love to be pet and scratched, which is great because their fur is so soft that they feel like little angora bunnies. They are so sweet, but with tons of curiousity and energy, which would get them into trouble if we didn't keep an eye out for them. We are very fortunate to have them in our lives and sharing our home.
Here's a peak at my new life's joy. The brown tabby female is named "Emmy"; the red tabby male is still officially unnamed, but we're thinking "Cody" now, because it is masculine, but soft, and yet a little Wild West crazy.
The kitties playing with Dad:
The kitties all tuckered out:
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Today's Turquoise Titan challenge for the Biggest Loser is to write a blog about the past week. It's been a rough one.
Actually, maybe this week, on the whole, hasn't been that bad. This week started swimmingly, then Hubby and I adopted two kittens on Saturday and our lives changed. The kittens are little love bugs and we are so happy that they are in our lives. I'll post pictures next.
However, yesterday was a turning point and not for the better. My usual yoga instructor was MIA, so we had a guy fill in who normally does "Power Yoga." Yeek! He said he'd take it easy on us, but it sure didn't feel that way. I had done a lot of leg work this weekend as part of one of the BL Turquoise Titan Team Challenges. My legs were still sore yesterday, so I struggled to get through the leg-intensive yoga class and was unable to hold poses for very long. Then, at the end of the class when we are lying on the floor in a meditative posture, the instructor reads a meditation to us. Ironically, the reading is about it being okay to admit that you don't know. When life is unsure and you can't see how your future is unfolding or what you should do, it is okay to not know. It went on, but it was so on point with my life right now, because yesterday was the one-year anniversary of my going on unemployment. That fact made me emotional to begin with, but when I heard the meditation I could not stop myself from sobbing. I DON'T know! I am so lost about life right now but, as the reading said, maybe I don't know because something completely unexpected is just around the corner and if I knew what was coming I would be scared or try to control the outcome or not focus on what I need to do today in order to be ready when my new reality becomes my present. I should be okay with not knowing. I should. But I AM AFRAID! How long will I continue to live in limbo? When will I get a job? What the heck is happening that my life is so aimless? I could forge forward and do SO MUCH if I only knew what it was that I'm supposed to be doing. I think the meditation is asking that one should have faith that everything is as it should be and not to fear, because there is a larger plan even if I'm not privy to it right now. I hope this is true. So I will say what the reading suggested and say, "It is okay that I don't know. It is okay." (I wish I really believed this right now.)
With that in mind, I was physically and emotionally exhausted after yoga, but I had planned to do my Couch to 5K run, so I decided to go ahead. Bad idea. Or at least not the best idea. I was not feeling into it. My legs were so tired, and this was a first, because every other time it is my breathing that is the limiting factor. But I kept telling myself that I could do it, that it was a mental block and not a physical one. Well, half way through the 25-minute run I accidentally knocked my iPod of the treadmill's shelf. The iPod dropped down, disconnected from the earphones, landed on the belt, and flew off the treadmill behind me. I went to pause the treadmill, but accidentally hit the "end workout" button. That completely eliminated my time, mileage, everything. So I got off, put my iPod back together, and started up again. About five or six minutes later I just gave up. I was tired, irritated, done. I walked the rest of the time, which felt like a huge defeat.
I didn't realize how much each small exercise success has contributed to my sense of control and my more positive outlook. I feel like yesterday's gym time represented two failures/defeats on top of the massively nasty defeat of not being able to keep my job initially and then the bigger massive defeat of not being able to find a job in over year. One could say that I had successes yesterday--I went to the gym, I completed the yoga class even if I couldn't do it all perfectly, I jogged for about 17 or so minutes, which is a lot more than I could do just a short time ago. I would agree with all of this, but I sure don't feel very victorious right now.
Then there's today. I fill ill again. I feel like something has settled in my chest. I feel physically and emotionally drained. I fantasize about eating cheesecake or ice cream with fudge sauce and whipped cream or a warm cheese danish with a latte made with whole milk. This lets me know that I'm trying to not feel how it feels when I feel like I am a failure. (I know this is a huge cognitive error--I'm not a failure, I just can't seem to get a job, which does not negate all the successes that I have achieved, but for some reason this awareness doesn't change how I feel right now.) I'm not eating any of the things I crave. I'm not medicating with food. But it doesn't mean that I don't feel like crapola right now.
So, after my seemingly miserable failure day yesterday and how lousy I feel today, I made a decision--I do not plan on doing any more BL exercise challenges. I have a diet and exercise program that I worked out for myself that I have had much success with. It is balanced and allows me to feel positive achievement as I complete each day successfully. I had trouble with my workout yesterday because I was over tired from the BL Challenge exercises that I did for no other reason that to not let my team down. I feel guilty for making this decision, because I want to do everything I can to support my BL team, but I have to be selfish once things start interfering with my own success. That being said, I do not plan to do any BL exercise challenge that will impair my ability to succeed on my own program. I am going to be selfish. I will participate if the challenge is in line with what I am doing, but otherwise I won't.
Please let tomorrow be a better day.
Friday, June 11, 2010
One of this week's action steps is to blog about my "trouble goal," the goal that I struggle with, why it happens, what problems it causes, and what I can do about it. My first instinct was to say that my "trouble goal" is not drinking 8 glasses of water consistently. But when I started thinking about it, I don't think it's my real problem. I don't see a problem with only drinking 6 or 7 glasses a day when I'm eating bowls of watermelon, mounds of steamed zucchini, and crisp, juicy apples, all of which contain water. Actually, I'm a little confused by why people make such a fuss over this as it is. I drink when I am thirsty. The end.
But that leaves the question, then, as to what my "trouble goal" is. I think it is my sleep schedule. I stay up too late. I have trouble getting to sleep. To sleep enough, I end up sleeping in too late, and then my whole day is off and I don't get done nearly what I'd like to do. This is something that actually troubles me and does cause problems in my daily life. What I can do about it is the real mystery. I've tried to get to sleep earlier, but the problem is I'll toss and turn for a long time with a wide-awake brain. I need to be really tired to be able to fall asleep with my CPAP mask on and the air blowing and the motor and wooshy-wind noise. The only time I haven't had a problem going to sleep is when I took Ambien or melatonin, which is not the best solution. I thought working out more would allow me to be more tired and get to sleep, but so far it hasn't had that positive effect. To be honest, I'm a little stumped about how I can solve this problem. Hmmm.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I am SO proud of myself!
I lost 3 pounds this week. That puts me at 200 pounds even. I saw 200.5 flash. I even saw 199.5 flash. But I weighed myself twice and 200 pounds it is. I'm so close to Onederland that I can practically taste it! (Big Victory #1)
Still a little congested, I contemplated not going to the gym for about a millisecond, but because I made the decision yesterday that I would go, then I would go, even if it meant taking it easy, if necessary. (Small victory)
During my Pilates class I was able to complete ALL of the roll-ups in the set. I have done this twice before, but I was still pleased because I felt strong doing it, meaning that I did NOT have to go easy on myself as I had thought. So the class is nearing the end and it is time for teasers. I have NEVER been able to do a teaser. Well, guess what? I DID FOUR!!!!! I couldn't complete the full set, reverting back to roll-ups, but I DID FOUR TEASERS!!!! This was one of my big goals and I did it! Woohoo!!!!! (In case you couldn't tell, Big Victory #2).
After Pilates I felt warmed up and stretched out. Today was my scheduled Week 6 Day 3 for Couch to 5K, which meant that I was supposed to run for 25 minutes straight. Yeah, right. Because I had missed practically a week of exercise, I thought maybe I should backtrack and start the week over again. But then I told myself, "Don't try...DO!" Do what I can. Jog for as long as I physically can. Don't let my confidence dictate my outcome before I even start. Well, guess what? I bet you already know the answer. That's right! I JOGGED FOR TWENTY-FIVE (THAT'S RIGHT) 25!!!! MINUTES STRAIGHT!!!!! WOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!! (And, yes, that is a hugely massively Big Victory #3)
So, to sum up today...
And, yes, I'm still feeling congested. BUT WHO CARES!!!!!!!
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