Sunday, March 14, 2010
I put my foot down yesterday. I've been exercising and being more mindful of what I've been eating, but no weight loss yet. After a review of my food journal and nutrition tracker, I noticed several things:
1) I eat until I'm over-full about 50% of my dinners. I don't have this problem during the day, which got me to thinking...it's because I clean my plate and my dinner plates are huge.
2) Even though I've been cutting down on sugary foods and trying to eat more healthfully, sugary and even healthful foods can pack a wallop when it comes to calories.
As a result, I resolved to serve myself smaller dinner portions, to not clean my plate every night, and to cut out all sweets. Sounded great when I made the resolution in the afternoon.
Nighttime. Dinner is almost done. I notice I'm comfortably full, but there's still delicious food on the plate. I stop eating. I feel uncomfortable thinking about wasting (or is it not eating?) the remaining food. The food is staring at me. I ignore it. It sings to me. I eat every last bite of it. I'm confused. Then it occurs to me that I just set myself up. I required myself to exert self control in a situation where I know I am vulnerable. Instead of beating myself up, I made a new resolution: Eat until comfortably full, then immediately pack up or throw out the remaining food so I am not forced to exhibit self control. Whew! Food: 1, Me: >1.
So now I'm happily watching TV with the hubby when he pulls two cookies out a box of cookies he recently got as a birthday gift. I'm full, mind you, but I covet those cookies. I tell myself I can't have them because I resolved just this afternoon to not eat any more junk food. But I want a cookie! It would taste so good! But would it? Did I really want the cookie or did I just want it because I knew I "couldn't" have it? Hmmm. Let's test this theory. Okay, Ms. Cookie-Craver, eat a bite of the cookie if you want. In fact, have a cookie! Wait. If I eat that cookie, how many minutes of exercise would I have to do to burn it off? Will it really taste THAT good? You know what...I don't really want a cookie after all. I think I'll just make myself a nice, warm cup of tea. Sipping my tea, I decide to modify my junk food resolution: I may or may not have a cookie some other time.
To be continued...
Saturday, March 13, 2010
I've been taking exercise classes five days a week for three weeks, but still no weight loss or reduction in measurements. I know it is because I've been more hungry after exercising, so I've been eating more. Well, I recently weighed myself and found out that I'd gained weight! How is that possible? I was so discouraged, but I still went to my pilates class as scheduled.
I find that a cheerleader is much more motivating to me than a drill seargent, so I'm being my own cheerleader. I'm actively trying to give myself pep talks and say, "Good job!" more often. So, I told myself that I was proud of me for going to exercise class and not just throwing up my hands in defeat. I kept telling myself throughout the class, and especially after difficult exercises, that I WAS improving, getting stronger, getting more flexible, that my exercising was not a waste of time because it hasn't resulted in any weight loss. By the end of class I was so exhausted. Even with the self-encouragement, there was this niggling feeling like all the work wasn't really making any difference. I felt so tired.
As I was packing up my mat, the pilates instructor came over and asked me if this was my third class with her (three Thursdays in a row). It was. She told me that she was already seeing progress . . . at one point in the class, as she was walking back to help someone with form, she noticed that I was doing an exercise with perfect form and muscle control. She told me that she was impressed and to keep up the good work. Thank you pilates instructor! I had to be improving if someone could observe it, right? My hard work was starting to pay off. Maybe not the way I had expected, but I'm doing something good for myself and I'm moving in the right direction. I don't know why those few words of encouragement meant so much to me, but they did. I was still exhausted, but I didn't feel as tired.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
I have not treated you very well, especially during the last few years. I now understand that my weight is your best effort to deal with all the extra calories I consumed because I was stressed or sad or anxious, agitated or distracted, or just wanting something that tasted good. I look at you and realize how much I have struggled recently, because a balanced life does not result in such a significant weight gain.
I'm not going to do a perfect job correcting the issues that got you to this state, but I'm understanding more each day and am working to do better every day. In the meantime, I want to apologize for ignoring you for so long. I will do better. And I will remember that taking care of you is taking care of me, because we are me.
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