Wednesday, May 01, 2013
This blog is so hard to write, I have no real enthusiasm for my program, my weight is stagnant & I'm struggling to carry on with this journey. My health and well being requires it, I'm surrounded by a few very positive friends on Spark who are really working hard and are reaping the results they deserve & yet my motivation & enthusiasm are MIA.
Oh well, I'll get on with my update;
March started off in much the same vein as May is, but I worked it by just taking one day at a time. My weight did start coming off though so that was good, until I came down with a nasty viral infection. However I did lose 3lbs by the end of that month & I will take that gladly, any loss is good, right? Partial success & I went into April floored with this viral infection topped with a stinking cold, my mood became low & it hasn't really lifted since. I lost 0.2lbs in April and considering how I've eaten and with not much exercise that is a miracle really, I'm trying to be grateful. I'm not looking back, I'm not making excuses I do know what I need to do to make this weight loss journey work & I have to kick start this it if I want to meet my goal at the end of June.
1st May is here, I have 2 months left before mini goal deadline & I want to lose 14lbs which is completely manageable, if only my head was in the zone. However, it's not so my plan of action in the meantime is to go back to taking one day at a time. Tracking my food, try to eat consciously, making sure I get in my 5 a day, exercise (to help my low moods, burn lots of cals & help the journey along), drink 8 cups of water & work on trying to enjoy the journey again instead of it feeling like a constant battle! Very wearing on the soul but I have to fight on a while longer.
Here we go then, deep breath, head high, ready for the battle to find my determination and enthusiasm and work on Spark regardless of whether they are found!! Hopefully good results will spur me on and lift me higher!
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Well it took me a while to get into the flow of my journey re-start in January but I perservered and did lose a few pounds (4-5lbs in total) but then mid February hit and with Valentine's, my birthday and chocolate gifts from hubby for his time working away, it all sabotaged my good work. I know I could have put the treats away, I know I didn't need to eat it all, I know I could have said thank you, no treats for me. However, as a recovering treat-aholic it went straight to my stomach, my brain didn't stand a chance, I encouraged the treat buying and even bought myself more when no-one was there to see. Led to my calorie intake going through the roof, just as you would expect & my weight crept back up, who am I kidding it shot up!
After feeling very sorry for myself for not being able to eat as I like, then the anger for undoing all the hard work, for feeling very uncomfortable in my clothes, I'm back to being selfish! It's the only way for this program to work, I have to put myself first, I have to ask for no treats for Mother's Day, I have to let my family know I'm struggling to get this program working again for me. I have to not feel bad for refusing to have treats today, I have to do it for me, my health and my headspace (and my stretched clothing seams).
Right now I feel what I imagine a smoker to feel like when they give up cigarettes. I'm going cold turkey - no treats - well it's a case of no cake/biscuits/chocolate but crisps are still in there for now, certainly not every day, but if I find I can't control myself around them they will need to go too. I'm finding it really tough but know I've been here before & I can conquer this, I will come through the other side!
- I want to lose a minimum 17lbs by the end of June,
- My first weigh in will be the end of March
- I will take one day at a time & aim to be within my calorie allowance
- I will eat min 5 portions of fruit & veg daily
- I will drink my 8 cups of water daily (min)
- No cake/biscuits/chocolate until at least the end of March
- 1500 mins of exercise/month.
I currently weigh 192.4lbs and I need to get to that elusive 175lbs, it's my mental block weight that once and for all I want to get by!
I can do this, I just have to make myself believe it now! 175lbs here I come!
Friday, January 04, 2013
in a long time that I actually feel like I can make this program work again! The past 3 days have been really tough & after putting myself under so much pressure to limit my calorie intake I blew my calorie allowance out of the water each and every day. Combine that with not enough exercise I was so stressed with my failings that I felt like I'd learnt nothing over the last couple of years and my increased discomfort just from my expanding waistline was enough to send me further into my downward spiral. Amazing how uncomfortable a stone gained can be, reminding me literally how much harder everything used to be for me. As well as making my mind feel like it was imploding, my personal beatings were achieving nothing & even the fact that I'm trying to be kinder to myself I couldn't even get that right, am I no good at anything!!?? You can imagine the scene - anyway, action needed taking and that's just what I did - today.
Onto today, I took steps to take the pressure off, I brought my family into my messy mind and asked for their help, why I struggle so much with asking for help I really don't know?? All remaining trigger foods in the house have now been divided out to those that can eat them without binge-ing, they are still in the house but I don't know where so as far as I'm concerned they no longer exist. I am a comfort eater & have to learn to accept that about myself, no matter what I do I think I will always find comfort in times of stress in food. If I deal with it by not having trigger foods in the house then that's how I deal with it especially in the immediate future, I just need to stop eating it. I feel a little more positive today that at least I'm taking action & feel for the first time that I can get back on the Spark road & succeed again.
My next action today was to lay off beating myself over my workout, I always push too hard at the gym by trying to constantly do more, burn more & generally work harder. Going to the gym these last couple of months have been torture and without DH along I would have probably quit by now. Today I worked out at a lower resistance, lower speeds and I came home for the first time in I don't know how long having enjoyed my workout and feeling like I can go back tomorrow for more of the same. Instead of thinking of ways to get out of my gym days and needing more rest days I'm going to be at the gym 2 days on the trot & I feel good about it!
Today I reminded myself about how far I've come, I'm still 33lbs less than when I started my Spark journey 2 years ago now. I have become more active and fit, I am able to stay on the gym equipment longer than I used to be able to (providing I don't punish myself with speeds/resistance greater than my body needs and wants!) I can be kind to myself, it is allowed, it's not just something I show other people. I do feel healthier and more energetic when I feed my body the correct nourishment.
Saving for a later day, but I really need to figure our why I don't like myself enough to be kinder without consciously forcing myself into it & feel this need to punish myself over the silliest of reasons.
Today I feel calmer & better balanced than I have in a while & working hard to make it last, the crap that needs dealing with will have to wait until I get my body and mind back to where I need them before I can handle anything else.
So for now, happier that I've had one good day & really hoping for another one tomorrow :) one day at a time right!
Today is the first day of the rest of my life & trying to make sure that I start making them each count.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Wow, it's been a long time since I've done one of these and so much has changed, for starters I've reset my spark goals and am working my way back through getting started again and thought I may as well get started here committing to my program.
On the positive side, this last year, I've been able to stop my metformin medication and I'm still 33lbs down on my heaviest Spark weight so all is not lost. However, on the downside my weight has increased and I can't claim that it's all due to the lack of meds as my diet has not been as healthy as it should be and for that I am the only one to blame! After a brilliant holiday, a respiratory infection followed by feeling low I struggled to get back to Sparking and ate without thought of my health only for comfort and with greed. My current clothes are all starting to get tight and my fitness level isn't as good as it was either, amazing what an extra stone does! All that stops now, I refuse to go back to buying bigger clothes - I'm from Yorkshire and am too tight fisted lol and i just don't want to be in the position where I need to either - I've worked too hard for that.
It's now the time of the year for making resolutions and promises, my commitments to and for myself in 2013 are;
My main focus of 2013 is exercise - I'm going to get back to choosing to exercise. I have carried on exercising, it's not about re-starting but in times of stress or cravings I used to exercise instead of eating my way through my emotions & I'm aiming to get back to that. Build back up to burning around 4000cals/week, constantly trying to increase the amount of fitness minutes each month. Doing some exercise most days & try to be more active day to day generally.
Get back to basics, log nutrition (aiming to stay within 1400-1800 cals daily), drink more fluid & ensure 5+ portions of fruit & veg, using the app when I don't have access to a pc. It's not about doing without certain foods but I do need to manage the balance and staying away from trigger foods.
Log in to Spark daily, spin the wheel. Catch up with at least 1 blog, visit one of my teams and participate on a more regular basis with friends.
Blog at least once a month, ensuring I work on goals with things I've struggled with the previous month.
Over the year I want to lose a minimum of 4 stones working to shorter term goals and deadlines to try to keep the enthusiasm high.
On an emotional level I need to learn to ask and accept help, especially when I'm struggling. Be kinder to myself and accept my failings as a part of the whole and recover quicker from any mis-haps.
I MUST REMEMBER THAT IT'S WHAT HAPPENS AFTER A BINGE THAT AFFECTS MY WEIGHT LOSS AND NOT THE OCCASSIONAL SPLURGE!
Sunday, September 02, 2012
I gained over August - not by too much overall but I definitely strayed off the Spark path. Whilst I did enjoy it I have to question whether some of my choices were made just because I felt like I had to make the most of the break as I knew all along that I would pull myself together and get back on my program. This is also something I will need to bear in mind when we go away and try to curb the "I'm free, what can I eat" mentality when I consider myself having a break from the program.
For the first couple of weeks of August I did great and reached my all time low of 177lbs only to regain more than I lost over the last couple of weeks of August to reach 180.8 :(( thoroughly deserved I must say with how I behaved but still disappointed that I did lose control several times. This I suppose is good from the point of view that I now accept that I have and never will have control around certain foods and I usually deal with this by banishing them from my life. Alcoholics have to banish alcohol and smokers their cigarettes I too have to banish crisps and sweet things in order to maintain an even keel around food. I would love to think that I could gain control around them but I know deep down that I never will & if I choose to treat them like banned substances then if that works for me then that's the way it has to be. Occasionally I will fall off the wagon and thankfully this won't be as harmful as with other substances as long as it stays occasional and I pull it back in to get straight back on track.
Anyway, the reason for the 6 week goal period this time is that I'm now on countdown for our holiday to Florida. Yes the swimming dress fits a little better already and doesn't creak at the seams as i try it on anymore but losing some more weight before I go will improve the feel of it & if a holiday doesn't spur me on then what will hey!
Here goes then, the goals;
Lose minimum 7lbs (I know to do this I need to log everything, stay in calorie range, drink my 8 cups min & exercise so won't bother making those a goal this time ;))
Improve consistency with exercise - I've waned recently with enthusiasm and energy to maintain my fitness minutes and will endeavour to make that a bigger part of my life again.
I have managed 1 day so far, (another 41 to go) only just ate under my calorie allowance but since I burned off a fair bit at the gym I don't mind too much. I made good choices all day, struggling through at times with cravings and sudden drop in sugar levels but that is with going cold turkey and getting straight back to the program. I know the next 2-3 days will be tough ones, they always are whilst my body re-adjusts but then I'm hoping that the thoughts of the holiday, the swimming outfit and having a very active holiday will continue to be motivation enough to keep this going!
Onwards and downwards, whatever the outcome I will be the lowest weight, when I visit Disney, in 11 years, I was hoping to make it the lowest ever but I accept that won't be the case now - oh well gives me something to aim for next time ;)
Every journey has to start sometime and somewhere so here I go again!
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