Saturday, April 26, 2008
I had a bit of an emotional breakdown yesterday. I emotionally vomited (cried) for about an hour and felt better. Work has been a bit volitile shall we say. There is a lot going on and I feel like I am spinning my wheels.
So tonight, after finally feeling better from the food poisioning, I get a text. My brother just got engaged to his gf. A quick background, this girl also made my brother not talk to me for 2 years and they both treated me like crude the entire time. I was always nice and cordial to the both of them, but since my brother is my mom's favorite, I was always the one to be wrong in her book. Needless to say this was extremely frustrating.
Regardless, they can have a happy life, I don't really have to be too big a part of it. That said, I am now the last "single" standing and the oldest as well. This is very frustrating to me when every time I hear my dad ask me, "When are you going to get married?" or "I want to be a grandpa," I feel like I am dissappointing him.
On another note, my birthday is coming up. Last year, my mom insisted that I not go with my friends to Vegas because they (my family) were all going to take me out. Well, everyone ditched me and my dad sat there apologizing. This year, my mom is trying to get some big surprise in order for me and it feels like she is trying to make up for last year. Now that my brother is engaged, this will be the first family event following it and I have the feeling that my birthday will be all about their engagement.
Not that I am trying to get attention or sympathy here. That is so not my intention. I moved about 45 minutes away from my family about 2 years ago. I did it for a reason. Most of my life has been spent doing things for everyone else. I have not done anything for myself. In fact, I feel kinda like the reason that I am overweight is because I never took care of myself and I felt somehow that everyone else deserved to be happy, but it didn't matter when it came to me. I guess it is just upsetting to me because this (my upcoming bday) is really the first time that my family has ever really done something for me. Now with the engagement, I know it will be about my brother, like it always is.
I just find myself wondering, why can't I be happy? Why can't I find someone that makes me happy? Am I such a horrible person? Why do I have to work so hard just to get any little thing in life when other people have them fall in their laps? I don't think I will ever understand that. I hate that I have had to work so hard for EVERYTHING. I just want a break for a moment, but I don't think that is coming my way. I am not usually this big huge pity party, in fact I am the last one to be feeling sorry for myself. I think tonight things are just changing so quickly, career, stopped seeing someone 4 weeks ago, money stress, my weight, etc., that I just ended up crying.
I know myself pretty well and come morning I know I will just suck it up and keep going. I think it was just important for me to write this and I guess in a way document it. I have cried more in the last two days than I have in the last year. I guess I just want something to go right for once without the blood, sweat and tears.
So, wipe up those tears and get to bed. I have a 5k to walk in the morning...by myself unfortunately. Oh well, I guess there is really only one person you can truly rely on in this life and it is me. So I guess I better start being a little nice and loving myself a little more or it is going to be a very bumpy ride!