SHELLE13   35,940
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Ever Feel Like the World is Crashing Down???

Saturday, April 26, 2008

I had a bit of an emotional breakdown yesterday. I emotionally vomited (cried) for about an hour and felt better. Work has been a bit volitile shall we say. There is a lot going on and I feel like I am spinning my wheels.

So tonight, after finally feeling better from the food poisioning, I get a text. My brother just got engaged to his gf. A quick background, this girl also made my brother not talk to me for 2 years and they both treated me like crude the entire time. I was always nice and cordial to the both of them, but since my brother is my mom's favorite, I was always the one to be wrong in her book. Needless to say this was extremely frustrating.

Regardless, they can have a happy life, I don't really have to be too big a part of it. That said, I am now the last "single" standing and the oldest as well. This is very frustrating to me when every time I hear my dad ask me, "When are you going to get married?" or "I want to be a grandpa," I feel like I am dissappointing him.

On another note, my birthday is coming up. Last year, my mom insisted that I not go with my friends to Vegas because they (my family) were all going to take me out. Well, everyone ditched me and my dad sat there apologizing. This year, my mom is trying to get some big surprise in order for me and it feels like she is trying to make up for last year. Now that my brother is engaged, this will be the first family event following it and I have the feeling that my birthday will be all about their engagement.

Not that I am trying to get attention or sympathy here. That is so not my intention. I moved about 45 minutes away from my family about 2 years ago. I did it for a reason. Most of my life has been spent doing things for everyone else. I have not done anything for myself. In fact, I feel kinda like the reason that I am overweight is because I never took care of myself and I felt somehow that everyone else deserved to be happy, but it didn't matter when it came to me. I guess it is just upsetting to me because this (my upcoming bday) is really the first time that my family has ever really done something for me. Now with the engagement, I know it will be about my brother, like it always is.

I just find myself wondering, why can't I be happy? Why can't I find someone that makes me happy? Am I such a horrible person? Why do I have to work so hard just to get any little thing in life when other people have them fall in their laps? I don't think I will ever understand that. I hate that I have had to work so hard for EVERYTHING. I just want a break for a moment, but I don't think that is coming my way. I am not usually this big huge pity party, in fact I am the last one to be feeling sorry for myself. I think tonight things are just changing so quickly, career, stopped seeing someone 4 weeks ago, money stress, my weight, etc., that I just ended up crying.

I know myself pretty well and come morning I know I will just suck it up and keep going. I think it was just important for me to write this and I guess in a way document it. I have cried more in the last two days than I have in the last year. I guess I just want something to go right for once without the blood, sweat and tears.

So, wipe up those tears and get to bed. I have a 5k to walk in the myself unfortunately. Oh well, I guess there is really only one person you can truly rely on in this life and it is me. So I guess I better start being a little nice and loving myself a little more or it is going to be a very bumpy ride!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIVALINDA 4/26/2008 8:33AM

    It sounds like you are at a point where you are taking charge of your life and your own happiness. I know that sometimes when life is overwhelming, I just need a good cry and a pity party, then I can move forward.
Can you hear me cheering you on to the finish line for the 5K?
Let us know how it goes.

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THINKGREEN 4/26/2008 5:50AM

    Shelle, you are so wise to vent your frustration instead of eating your anger. And from what I can see you have a bit to be angry and upset about. If it were me, I'd be tempted to go away for a mini-vacation on my birthday. Heaven knows you deserve it.
Hang in there! Don't let them sabotage your efforts to be healthy or ruin your special day.


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RENA1965 4/26/2008 2:02AM

    Hi Shelle,
I totally understand you sad and disappointed, I have a nasty piece of works of a step-father whom successfully drove a huge crater between my mother and I. They successful frightened my last boyfriend off too..
I also moved away, but to the other side of the world and even if they want to make up I am now not in any state to forgive them. They never once made a decent attempt to contact my two sons whom needed their accept.... My boys ask me whom are these people you swear and curse about? It seems funny that your brother got engaged around your birthday, did his girlfriend accidently figure out the date to tell the family?
Do exactly what feels right for you and plan your own birthday arrangements as you want it and not your families wishes... Your a adult now, so tell your mother what she wants is not in your best interests and they have let you down before..
kind regards Rena

Comment edited on: 4/26/2008 2:01:49 AM

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Oh the PAIN!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Last night, we took a group of clients to a very she-she restaurant (that they chose) for dinner. It was uber expensive and the food was supposed to be phenomenal. Ummm...yeah. It was okay, I ate less than a bird and guess what? I have food poisoning!

I have been miserable all night! I can't believe it because I didn't eat that much. I calculated my calories and it was less than 300. I will NEVER go to that restaurant again. My stomach is tied up in knots and is cramping. I didn't sleep the whole night because of the pain in my stomach. I don't think I have had food poisoning in about 2 years and I forgot just how horrible it is.

On the plus side, I lost a pound overnight. Sorry if this is TMI...just needed to share!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOT121 4/25/2008 1:17PM




DOT emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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UP4MORE 4/25/2008 12:11PM

    Aw feel better! emoticon

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Sore Muscles Make it Difficult to...

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I took my mom's personal training session yesterday because she couldn't go. Wow! I guess I never imagined that strength training can be so brutal! It wasn't too bad going through the exercises, but today it was hard to even wash my hair in the shower this morning! It's a good sore though, I know.

I am glad that I did it though. It makes a huge difference I know! I want to start up again with this and will have to do it on alternating days. It even hurts to sit to tinkle! TMI, I know!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*WISTE* 4/23/2008 2:28PM

    When I first started doing strength training I had to take the wheelchair ramp up to my office because I couldn't even lift my legs to get up the stairs. Don't get discourage! What I do is to try to stretch really well, but gently, for 10-15 min after the workout while the muscles are still warmed up. Then I eat a protein snack. Walnuts are great, but even a spoon full of peanut butter will help give your muscles what they need to rebuild. Also, staying hydrated throught the workout is important. If I know I'm going to be sore the next day I take ibuprofen or aleve before I go to bed. It also helps to sleep with socks on because if your feet are cold your legs are more likely to cramp which can be really painful.

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5K on Saturday!

Monday, April 21, 2008

My New Year's Resolution this year was not what it has been for the last 21 years, which was to lose weight. This year, I made my resolution to complete 12 5K's in 2008. I have done one so far, but I have been slacking. So, I am going to register for Saturday's 5K and the money is going to a organ donor support fund. I am excited because I think I will end up doing it all by myself. I don't have any friends or family going with me, but I think it will be more of an accomplishment for me when I complete it.

I don't usually run, I do walk them. Hopefully by the end of the year I will be able to run or jog the entire thing. This has been an interesting resolution and I want to make it one that I will stick to. I have the rest all planned out for the year. Plus, I will have extra t-shirts for the gym. It's kind of a win-win situation. If your in the Sourthern CA area and want to join me, shoot me a quick email. I would love to have a buddy with me!

I am going to the gym tonight for my Zumba class, but I am going to get there a little earlier so I can walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes to see if I hit that 3.5 mile mark. I think I will also do a little on the stationary bike as well.

Here is to a more fit 2008!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LHEMPEN 4/23/2008 1:39PM

    Enjoy your 5k I sure did what an event for me it was this past sunday I really enjoyed it..Good luck to you!

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DIVALINDA 4/21/2008 7:13PM

    What an impressive goal 12 5K's in 2008! I'll be here on the East Coast but I'll be doing some Spark cheering for you!

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Tommorrow is a New Day!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

So I did great on exercise today. I din't want to go to the gym, but I went anyways and my class was one of the best workouts I have had in a long time! It was fun AND super challenging! I loved it and I think the endorphins kicked in because I was even in a better mood afterwards.

Eating...I didn't do so well on. I had a plan yesterday, but I had to go into the office at 645a this morning and it just threw a kink into my day. I ate the right things, just too much of it. My total cal intake today was at 2200. I should be below 1500 or so.

I am going for it again tomorrow. All I can do is take one day at a time and if I goof, get right back in the game. I cannot beat myself up anymore because it has taken a negative toll on my self esteem and that needs to change.

Here is to a healthier tomorrow!

(Let's hope the neighbors upstairs will stop moving furniture at 1051p on a Wednesday night so I can get some beauty sleep! (Who does that? Really? They have lived there for almost 2 years...can you rearrange another time? Seriously?!)

Good Night!


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