Sunday, July 07, 2013
I have been thinking a lot lately about what is propelling my weight. Recently, I have gone up and am now 6 pounds away from my highest weight. Needless to say, it is discouraging. But, rather than throw in the towel, I have been thinking about WHY. Why am I heavy? Why am I eating? Why has it been 26 years and I am still struggling? What is actually going on here?
I was thinking about my past. I have said things I didn't mean, have been very defensive and always putting myself down before others had a chance. Why? I have been struggling with my weight since I was 9. At just 9 years old, I was being called fat, elephant, ugly, etc. I learned to be defensive because I was determined not to let anyone hurt me with their words. I think over time, that shield just got bigger and stronger. Soon, I was just snapping at any little comment people would make to me because I "knew' it was meant to hurt me, which was not the truth. And, by doing that, I subsequently shut most people out and at 35 I am having a hard time letting people in.
The answer? I was angry. Angry that I was made fun of. Angry that I was called ugly. Angry that fat is considered ugly. Angry that my dance instructors pointed me out front of the class telling me to eat "lettuce, lettuce, lettuce." Angry that every food rebellion I had showed up on my body for all to see. Angry that my clothes didn't fit. Angry that I have rolls. Angry that I couldn't buy clothes like other girls. Angry that guys just ignore me when we go out , only talking to my thin friends. Angry that I don't like myself because I'm fat, but even more angry because I am agreeing with everyone else I am angry at. Angry that I have spent so much time, money, effort, deprivation, starting over and over...but still haven't lost the weight.
Angry that I never believe any man could want to be with me because I am heavy. Angry that I may never get married, mostly because I don't accept or love myself. Angry that society champions skinny girls and shuns the fat girl. Angry that people don't see me for me, but see only my weight. Angry that I unkind to myself through food. Angry that I have all these negative records playing in my head. Angry that the "desired" body for women in our ads, movies, etc. are women who often are underweight.
I was really happy when Dove came out with their Real Beauty campaign. It gives me hope for the new generation of girls. I wish Dove had more presence in the media. I saw the pic below and it reinforced the WHY I was angry.
How can it be thought that the VS models are THE body type? I really commend Dove.
Now that I know that there is anger behind my weight, what do I do? I know I have abandoned a bit of that anger over the years, but I am still holding on to some of it. I honestly think there really are only a few options. One, I can choose to do nothing and stay where I am at, possibly gaining more weight. Two, I can accept myself and learn to love myself as I am now. Or three, I can change. I think really it is a combination of the latter two things. I need to learn to "accept and honor" myself AND make lifestyle changes that will get me to a healthy weight. I also need to stop blaming/listening to other people/media about what I should look or be like.
I know this post was a little all over the place, but it is because most of what I wrote is emotion and not fact. Blogging is something that helps me work through these types of struggles and your feedback is always welcomed, whether it is in agreeance or not. I learn from all of you! I hope this helps someone else struggling, or at least makes someone feel like they are not alone. Weight loss is a tough journey and we are all different. But, we do share in a lot of the same feeling, emotions and experiences.
I think my new goal for myself is to be able to say, that I accept myself regardless of my weight. I don't want to be angry or obese anymore.
My goal is to become happy and healthy!
Monday, June 17, 2013
I just finished reading a really good book that deals with the causes of being overweight, and not necessarily food. It was called "You are WHY you eat." If you are struggling, I would highly recommend this book.
One thing I really picked up throughout the book is that often, those of us who are overweight (or obese like me), tend to distrust our intuition, or as the book calls it, our Spidey Senses.
When it comes to decisions about ourselves, not decision about caring for others, we tend to side with our rational mind more. We make decisions based on logic and discount our intuition, even if we feel the decisions we are making are not quite right. This could be related to the decisions we make about the people we date or marry, our jobs, or our self care....in particular what is contributing to our weight.
To me, this was a really interesting point. I have found that over the years, I have made decisions that please others, even though it had to do with MY life. For example, I took a position working with family because I thought it would please them. The night I accepted, I sat in a grocery story parking lot, crying (the ugly cries) to a friend, telling her I think I made a mistake. Did I go back and change my mind? Nope. I stayed there for 6 years and when it got to the point where I couldn't function from day to day because I was so unhappy, I finally listened to myself and found work elsewhere. So...why would I do this? Why would I accept a position I knew in my gut wasn't right for me? Was my need to please others so great that I overlooked the need to take care of myself? Do I think that I don't deserve to be happy? Or is it something else?
I think it comes down to this...I have always taken care of other people. My family is heavily a part of that. But, I have also taken care of friends, men I have dated and to some extent colleagues. I am that mother hen type, because I was raised that way. The problem I see is that being the mother hen, no one takes care of her. I knew this, but it didn't sink in until sometime last year. I have slowly changed a lot of my relationships over that time and have gotten to a point where I am (finally) not really taking care of anyone else. What ends up happening? I gain weight.
All I could think is what the heck?! The truth is that I never learned to take care of me. Everyone was always okay with me treating myself without much thought because THEY were getting what they needed from me. I think that's why it really bothers me (and has all my life) when people use others for things. I have allowed others to use me. And I get nothing out of it. Man, was that hard to admit!
So here I am, with this broken down, mistreated body that is desperately calling out for love, proper nutrition and exercise. No one can do that for me but me. I need to realize that I am worth that care. I need to be able to trust my intuition when it comes to my life. I need to start listening to my "Spidey Senses" and not discounting them with logic. Not to say that I shouldn't have common sense, but if something doesn't feel right, its okay to walk away. I need to give myself that permission.
This book had great advice..."Give yourself room to try new things and to walk away from things that no longer feel right. Who do you want to be? Become it."
I recently saw a tattoo on a well known personal trainer. Across his back is, "In Me I Trust." I think that speaks volumes...Are we trusting ourselves? Are we letting our rational mind get the best of us? Do we listen to our intuition? Our Spidey Senses? Are we caring for ourselves like we would care for others? Do we put logic over intuition? How is all of these affecting our weight loss?
All really great questions...My goal by the end of the year is to be able to say, Yes. Yes, I trust myself. Yes, I listen to my intuition. Yes, I am taking great care of myself. And Yes, I love my myself, I am worth all this effort and I am finally happy in my own skin.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
My leader made a really good connection this week...about brain wiring.
We have this old wiring that has patterns that helped us get to the weight we are at. This wiring is our old patterns, the unhealthy patterns that may cause us to overeat, to say we will start tomorrow, to throw in the towel because we already screwed up.
Then, we have this other wiring. This new wiring that we are trying to learn. Healthy wiring that includes tracking our food, making nutritious choices, exercising, using positive self talk and eating mindfully. This new wiring is new, so it hasn't quite become a pattern or habit yet. Because of that, this new wiring is very fragile, at any moment it can be overcome by our old wiring, the wiring that is easy to fall back into, our old habits.
What was interesting is that if you do not stay aware, even if you lost your weight 10 years ago, that old wiring can easily take over the newer wiring, cause you to go back up again. This is why so many of us have lost, then we think we got it and a few years (or a few months) later, the weight is back. Being mindful and aware of how we are wired, what our old wiring is and what we are working on for new wiring is important. It is also crucial that we wake up every morning and renew this commitment to new wiring.
Out of curiosity...can you relate to this? What causes your wiring to move from new to old? How do you get back on track? I think it would be interesting to see others responses because I really believe that there any many things that can affect this and that it often happens when we aren't paying attention...thoughts?
Sunday, June 09, 2013
I have spent the last week in Vegas for work. I am super tired, just drove home and got here about 8pm. I need to put myself to bed shortly.
Well...lastSunday, I went and got my food to eat clean all week and forgot I had to go to Vegas! Argh! Well, I packed a cooler with chicken, veggies and fruit before I left for Vegas. I have to say, overall I thought I did pretty well. Unofficially, my scale showed 223.5 before I left. Tomorrow I have my official WW weigh in so you will know soon how it went. Anyhow, I ate very healthy all week, even to my own surprise! I had a fridge and a microwave in my hotel room so that made things really easy and convenient. But, Thursday night, I did order a gluten free pizza from Dominos. I counted every last calorie that day and ended with 1849, not too bad!
On another note...today was a major struggle. I avoided food a gazillion times on the way home. If any of you have ever driven from Vegas to LA, you know there are billboards and fast food joints lining the 4.5 hour drive! And, because I drank a ton of water (it was 113 degrees today!), I had to keep pulling over to use the ladies room. I avoided all temptations, but did stop for lunch/dinner and got a naked burrito bowl (brown rice, black beans, grilled chicken, pico de gallo, lettuce and a little guacamole).
When I got home, all I wanted was sweets! Or, salt! I realized that its almost that TOM and that was probably the reason. I gave myself permission to get what I wanted...I am trying to stop the good/bad food categories in my brain. I ended up with some gf donuts and Cheetos. Yes, I know it's horrible. Its not real food. Believe me I beat myself up already. I got home, I ate a few servings of the Cheetos and then put them aside. I grabbed one of the donuts and ate it , quickly reaching for a second. Normally, this would continue until the box was gone. Of note, gf items are NEVER low calorie! The two donuts I had set me back over 500 calories.
I am happy to report that I stopped there, at two. I didn't allow myself to eat anymore donuts or Cheetos. I know I am going to feel like crud tomorrow because of eating that after doing a week of 85% clean foods. But, I think it will be good to remind my brain, how my body feels when I choose anti-foods.
Before I left Vegas tpday, I went to see the Bodies exhibit at the Luxor (http://www.luxor.com/entertainment/bodies
.aspx). It was really amazing. If you get a chance (and you're not grossed out by anatomy stuff), it is really worthwhile. The exhibit explained all of our bones, systems, muscles, blood, etc. within the body by preserving donated bodies in an innovative way I have never seen before, even as a medical sales rep! Interesting that I just saw this exhibit hours before my mini binge, physically seeing how hard I am making my body work. Yet, I still decided to put (essentially) poison, donuts/Cheetos, into my body.
When I think I have a handle on this, it goes haywire. Why is losing weight tied into the brain, making it so difficult and complicated?!
The positive of today is that I am making progress.
Great things I did today:
1) Drank 2+ liters of water today
2) Had a healthy breakfast and somewhat healthy lunch/dinner
3) I tracked every bit of food that went into my mouth
4) I got just under 8,000 steps without an exercise session. Just doing a little extra here and there.
5) I stopped a binge before it became a massive binge.
Things to work on:
1) Remember that you are what you eat. What you put in your mouth will show on your body, one way or another.
2) Continue positive self talk and try to avoid labeling food good/bad
3) Get more steps in tomorrow, daily goal of 10,000 steps
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
I was almost back on track for 3 days in a row...and yesterday just was terrible! I had a very bad binge day, of which I have not binged like that in about a year. I am frustrated with my job, it's not what I want to be doing, but I have bills and student loans to re-pay. My boss is a micromanger and has litterally told me that "micromanaging works." He has never worked for any one else in his life and doesn't understand the problems that mm causes. Anyhow, it was a rough day and after spending 2 hours on L.A.'s finest freeways, I got a call from my boss that I had to go into the office. It was already past 5:30p. We ended up having a conference call meeting while I was still on the freeway. When I got to the office, he wasn't there. I missed my Zumba class, which I really needed yesterday and by the time I got home, there were no more classes of anything for the night.
I ended up eating my gluten free cookies, the entire container. Then decided I should actually eat a normal dinner...so had some turkey black bean soup. I felt horrible. What did I do? I ate more, 4 popsicles (yes they were low-calorie, but still) and then a handful of pistachios. I felt really horrible before going to bed. I need to learn not to do this. It does not help me in anyway...and over the last few months...I have noticed that food doesn't even make me feel better anymore. So why the heck am I still doing it?!
I think there is also one other thing that is put into play here that I didn't realize until this morning. My new insurance has caused an issue with my prescriptions and Target just changed my birth control pills. That isn't the issue...I just realized that I had missed 3 days of my birth control pills and was greeted with that mistake this morning.
This morning, I don't feel like eating anything. I can't even believe that my stomach is growling, how is that even possible?! Anyways....I am going to make a healthy lunch (sandwich, apple, carrots and a banana for a snack) and I think I will just take a banana with me for breakfast. I have to be out in the field today, so I don't want to be left with the easy drive-thru option. I think I will also stop and get some coffee this morning.
I just really want to end this horrible cycle once and for all. I really think that I need to take sugar and sugar substitutes out of my diet. They make me crazy and I think they are contributing to my cravings. I am considering doing a Clean-eating program, since I am already Gluten Free... I was recommended the Eat-Clean Diet Recharged by Tosca Reno.
Has anybody been doing clean eating? Has it helped you? What recommendations or tips do you have? Would love to hear your thoughts and feedback!
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