Tuesday, May 21, 2013
I was almost back on track for 3 days in a row...and yesterday just was terrible! I had a very bad binge day, of which I have not binged like that in about a year. I am frustrated with my job, it's not what I want to be doing, but I have bills and student loans to re-pay. My boss is a micromanger and has litterally told me that "micromanaging works." He has never worked for any one else in his life and doesn't understand the problems that mm causes. Anyhow, it was a rough day and after spending 2 hours on L.A.'s finest freeways, I got a call from my boss that I had to go into the office. It was already past 5:30p. We ended up having a conference call meeting while I was still on the freeway. When I got to the office, he wasn't there. I missed my Zumba class, which I really needed yesterday and by the time I got home, there were no more classes of anything for the night.
I ended up eating my gluten free cookies, the entire container. Then decided I should actually eat a normal dinner...so had some turkey black bean soup. I felt horrible. What did I do? I ate more, 4 popsicles (yes they were low-calorie, but still) and then a handful of pistachios. I felt really horrible before going to bed. I need to learn not to do this. It does not help me in anyway...and over the last few months...I have noticed that food doesn't even make me feel better anymore. So why the heck am I still doing it?!
I think there is also one other thing that is put into play here that I didn't realize until this morning. My new insurance has caused an issue with my prescriptions and Target just changed my birth control pills. That isn't the issue...I just realized that I had missed 3 days of my birth control pills and was greeted with that mistake this morning.
This morning, I don't feel like eating anything. I can't even believe that my stomach is growling, how is that even possible?! Anyways....I am going to make a healthy lunch (sandwich, apple, carrots and a banana for a snack) and I think I will just take a banana with me for breakfast. I have to be out in the field today, so I don't want to be left with the easy drive-thru option. I think I will also stop and get some coffee this morning.
I just really want to end this horrible cycle once and for all. I really think that I need to take sugar and sugar substitutes out of my diet. They make me crazy and I think they are contributing to my cravings. I am considering doing a Clean-eating program, since I am already Gluten Free... I was recommended the Eat-Clean Diet Recharged by Tosca Reno.
Has anybody been doing clean eating? Has it helped you? What recommendations or tips do you have? Would love to hear your thoughts and feedback!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I turned 35 on Monday. I was a little worried about it...I never had an issue with 20 or 30, but the years with a "5" in it always seem to wig me out. 25 was tough, now looking back on it...I kinda feel like what was I thinking?!
But...at the same time...25 was hard for the same reasons that 35 was hard this year. I am not where I thought I would be in life. Yes, I did let go of the "planning" ideals when I hit 30 and just let things happen. But the two things that were frustrating at 25, are still frustrating at 35.
For those of you that follow this blog, I'm sure you already know what I am going to say. My weight. I am still struggling with my weight. Even at 15 years old, I wasn't happy with my weight. Yes, I was dancing much more, about 20 hours a week and I was on Cheer. But, I was still carrying weight. I was about 188 in high school, a size 14. I didn't really self-sabotage at 15, but overate often, then diet, then overeat. It was a cycle or pattern. However, I didn't lose the weight at 15, nor at 25 and now I find myself at 35 and still struggling.
I truly believe that weight is a symptom of something else that is going on inside us. I know for me that is 100% true. I have never really been self-confident or had a positive self-image...I tried to fake it and it's a hard thing to fake. Especially being in sales! I think once I have a little faith in myself, I can start turning this around...but I get spooked and self-sabotage. I don't want to, but it happens. I have more or less figured out WHY I am doing this....and it relates to something that happened to me a few years ago. I am choosing to keep that private for the moment because I still haven't figured it out totally in my head and it is still very painful for me.
The other thing I really expected at 25, was to be married or at least in a long-term relationship. That didn't happen at 25 or 35. Again, I think a lot of this is tied into my weight and my self perception. And...the fact that the guys that I have allowed into my life were terrible for me. Looking back, I now realize that a lot of the guys I have dated haven't been right for me because they needed me for something, but there was nothing I needed from them. When I say needed, I am referring to emotional needs, lots of "mother" issues with these guys and I often fall into the mother hen type of girl when people need me. If they tried to use me for money, I immediately dropped that guy. Fortunately, that's only happened once.
Looking at the larger scope, I need to realize that I want to be with someone who "wants" to be with me and not someone who "needs" me for something. I guess it's hard for me to gauge that because my head just keeps thinking, "Well, who would want to be with me? I'm fat." I need to realize and truly understand that I am MORE than my weight. It's not going to be an easy thing to overcome since I have told myself this for so many years. I know it in my head though...now, I just need to teach my heart to learn and accept it too.
Needless to say, this past week has been difficult because it really did get me thinking about these two things. These are my road blocks. I am thinking...the best thing I can give myself this year is to learn how to get over these hurdles, and no matter what, accept and love myself unconditionally.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I thought I would be able to drop about 10 pounds before my birthday....I am about 2 pounds down. I turn 35 in 13 days and that means that I will have been trying to lose weight for 26 years now! Ugh! I really hate that it has been this long and I am still trying to work my way through this.
So, I tried out for Biggest Loser last year and didn't get a call back. I had people staring me down and telling me I wasn't fat enough for the show. Of course, it wasn't the show people, but other people in line.
I am considering trying out again this Saturday since they are holding auditions about an hour from my house. I was also thinking of making a video because the auditions are only about 20 seconds long and I might have a better shot with a video than the audition...I am not sure. Maybe both???
In a way, I am a little uncomfortable about weighing in on a huge scale in front of the nation on TV, but at the same time, I am much more uncomfortable in the body I am in right now. What makes me nuts is I know what to do, but I am not doing it. I can exercise and I enjoy it, but I am not consistent. I eat healthy most of the day, but at night I have my biggest struggles. I even opted to not get cable after I moved so I wouldn't eat in front of the TV...which I have to say has worked. But I am watching a few shows online. However, my TV time has decreased from about 3-4 hours a day to about an hour a day, 3 days a week.
I just really don't want to begin my second half of life in an overweight, unhealthy body.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
A whole lot has been going on...the one consistent thing in my life has been my weight. Although, it ideally would be going down, I have gotten on the up 5, down 5 roller coaster and it's time to get off this thing.
My birthday is in 28 days. I was thinking on the plane today and a little tonight...there are changes I know I can make to get me healthier by my 35th birthday. I would LOVE to be in Onderland, but I know 16 lbs in 28 days is unrealistic. However, about 10 pounds in 28 days is a good goal! I would need to aim for about 2.5lb loss each week. I know if I really try, I can do it.
So what's stopping me?
Nothing! Today I start my challenge...To be a healthier in 28 days, before I become 35! What does that mean? I will get my exercise or 10,000 steps a day and I will eat less than 1600 calories a day. I will make the healthiest decisions I can each day, to care and be kind to myself. I will also refrain from speaking negatively or critically to myself. I will no longer tear myself down with poor self talk, but build myself up with positive, supportive thoughts and actions.
It's time, Kristi. It's time.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Have a great weekend and be sure to eat healthy and work out! ;)
Get An Email Alert Each Time SHELLE13 Posts