Monday, April 07, 2008
I will be THIRTY years old in 36 days! I can't believe it! Even more importantly, I can believe it will mark the 21st year I have been on a diet! That, to me, is even more shocking. Why haven't I got my act together by now? One huge reason is that I was trying to, what is the phrase? Treat the symptoms rather than the disease?! The root of my problem, I believe, is my self esteem and self perception. I have been adjusting this quite a bit over the last year and a half. It has been the most grueling, painful and traumatic year of my life. I feel like I have been through a mid-life crisis.
I do have to admit though, I have realized a lot about myself. I know I am smart. I know I am a beautiful person with a good heart. And, I know that I deserve to be happy and to be loved. (As I am typing this, I feel the lump in my throat and tears welling up in my eyes). Up until this point, I don't think I could ever really say that and truly mean it. It is a big step for me.
I think that this year is going to be a great year for me. I feel it and I know that I will find peace within myself, as well as happiness within my life.
Who said turning 30 is so bad!!!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
I have dropped out of the bloggesphere for sometime now. I have been traveling for work, been working, trying to deal with the situation with my friend and kinda seeing this new guy. I have had a lot on my plate. I also (embarrassed to admit) gave NutriSystem a quick go. Here is where I am at...
Busy, outside sales, due to economy we are taking a little bit of a hit, but I am trying to work through that. I am planning on setting aside at least 2 hours a day to teach myself more about our products, updates in the industry and further my sales skills. It is a hard task to take when all you want to do is watch tv and veg. BUT, watching tv and vegging has gotten my overweight, depressed and unhappy. So, I am going to cut my tv habit to 2-3 shows per week. They are 1) Army Wives (starts tonight at 10 PST!) 2) The Biggest Loser 3) Grey's Anatomy or the Ghost Whisperer, haven't decided yet.
If you looked at my blog, you know that one of my friends recently tried to cut her wrist in front of me. It was traumatic and I was supposed to go on vacation with her out of the country in May. I had the conversation where I had to tell her that I was not comfortable going and I think that we should cancel our trip at this point. I also mentioned that I don't like to see my friends hurt and that I wanted her to talk to someone.
Her response was that there is nothing wrong with her, what she does is normal just like other people use drugs, alcohol, etc., she cuts herself to make herself feel better, she said that I am the one with the problem and that I have to learn how to deal with it and she blamed the whole incident on alcohol and says she no longer drinks. That was a lot for me to take.
I did say that I don't like when my friends hurt themselves like that and I don't think it is normal. That is where she said she disagrees with me and I said then I guess we will have to disagree. I haven't spoken much to her since then. But, I hope that she gets some help soon. You cannot force anyone to do something that they don't want to do. So my hope and prayers are that she someone sees what she is doing and realizes that there is a better life waiting for her once she talks to somone.
I thought he was going to be someone that would last for about a year or so because I thought there was some potential here. I think that I am (unfortunately) disappointed. I have come to the conclusion that this guy is not for me. He can be nice and sometimes affectionate. But I have two major concerns.
One, he believes that he is a great communicator and it is no so. He tells me that he says what he means, but um, no. He dances around everything and I am so not that way. I can be blunt and sometimes confrontational, but I don't necessarily see these as negative things as I would hope that the person I was seeing would be the same way. I think that there is a lot more value in a relationship when you are open, trusting and honest with each other. Not vague or unable to talk to them.
The second concern is that he doesn't really make me laugh. I LOVE funny guys! I would forego looks if he made me laugh. I think it is one of the best feelings in the world to laugh until your eyes start tearing up and you can't breathe anymore. So, I have decided that I am not in this with him anymore. We saw each other about 6 days ago and I haven't heard a peep out of him. (He was a little upset about something I told him about "expecting" certain things in bed). Anyhow, I think he knows that it's done as well.
Yes, I thought I would try to take the easy route and where did it get me? Nowhere! Well, about $60 in the hole! I ate the food for about 4 days and seemed to have a really bad allergic reaction to it. My throat swelled up so bad I could not swallow at all! I was also so thirsty and nothing could quench it, not even 8 bottles of water! The worst thing, it gave me horrible breathe! Never again.
My new plan, since I am short on funds right now is to go to a health plan that is very similar to Core. Core worked for me and it is logical! No funky food, no bad breathe, no swollen throat, but good results. It is also a doable way of life.
I think I will incorporate some of the Biggest Loser guidelines in as well. These would include monitoring my calories, combining the right proteins, fruits, veggies and carbs each day to balance my diet and roughly following the exercise routine. I am going to try to stick to the Core food list with the exception of non-fat yogurt. Doctor's orders that I have to have at least one yogurt a day with specific cultures in it and I can only seem to stomach the Yoplait brand. So I guess that is it in a nutshell!
I will make this year the best year ever!
Friday, February 22, 2008
I was on the right track honestly I was, and then sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Last Saturday night, I went out with one of my closest friends. She said she drank too much...I know how much she can drink and this was very minimal to her normal drinking habits. However, she was not feeling well so we left back to my apartment because her car was here. (I am giving the abbreviated version because it's just easier).
She somehow flipped out and was crying, upset, screaming a bit and I thought she was just being dramatic. She vomited in the car (luckily we had a bag) and I was trying to get her into the apartment. I finally did and she continued with the over the top crying. Now, I have been friends with her for about 3 years and I know she has had some emotional/stability issues, but I have never experienced them.
So, after about 45 minutes or so of this, she ends up in my kitchen and I am just watching her not saying anything. She pulls a knife out of my butcher block and puts it to her wrist and tries to cut her self. I jump up and grab the knife out of her hands. I pull her out of the kitchen, in shock and she is screaming at me not to touch her.
I only got about an hour sleep that night as I was afraid she was going to wander back in the kitchen. I am thankful that I have really bad knives from Marshalls because I know she could have done a lot more damage otherwise. I asked her to get help. I told her I would go with her.
She apologized in the morning and was embarassed about the incident. At this point, I am thinking that she wanted me to see that because I am one of the very few people that she trusts and I think it might be a cry for help. I don't know how to help her at this point and we are supposed to go to a Bachlorette party tomorrow. I just got an email from her that she is not going. I have never been in the situation before.
The first thing I did after she left was call a friend and went directly to her house. I know I needed to talk it out because it felt very traumatic to me and I was not even involved. I can't imagine what she is going through and I feel so helpless. If anyone has gone through something like this and has advice, I would be so appreciative for it!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
I think I am finally getting over being sick. Thank you so much to all of you who have been so supportive over the last few weeks. I feel a little like I have been through a train wreck and your encouraging words have meant a lot to me!
I am going to weigh in on Sunday and I think I will be about 210 or so. I have been counting points more than doing Core because I have been out of town traveling. Starting Sunday I will be able to do Core for the week and then will be back on Flex the following week as I will be travelling again.
As for the guy (for those of you that followed), I have gathered that he is just an idiot. I met another person, but I am not going to get so invested so quickly this time. And, actually, that is very uncharacteristic of me. I don't know why I fell for this guy so quickly. Very un-taurus like.
Anyhow, I think I have finally figured out that there are some people in this world that do not view you based on weight, but rather a combination of your inside meshed with your outside. I don't think that it is completely true for everyone, but I decided I am going to give the benefit of the doubt. If you are one of those that only see what is on the outside, then that is too bad for you because you will be missing out on meeting some of the greatest people in the world!
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
So, I think I am almost back to my normal self. If I know what that means anymore. I am leaving again tonight for a business trip and will be back on Monday. I had one heck of a weekend. For those of you kinda following, the guy I was upset with...Well, I was way wrong about that. I think it is the opposite. He actually seems to really like me, but he is (for lack of a better explanation) jealous of my time. He seems to be one of those guys that likes a lot of attention and I am one of those girls who doesn't have a lot of time. I do foresee a bit of a problamatic situation on the forefront.
Anyways, it has been a bumpy couple of days and we will leave it at that. Because I have been sick, I got down to 204 yesterday. I weighed myself this morning and gained 3.5 pounds overnight. I also have not been drinking water. I feel like I lost my way a bit but it has been interesting because this is the first time I have ever continously blogged and it seems to keep me connected.
Sorry for the ADD in these thoughts, I am just kind of typing and writing at the same time. A little perplexed about things, I am sure you can tell. Have you ever felt time stop? That's how I have felt all day today. It wasn't that things were going to slow or anything, it just seems like I am at a huge cross roads with work, this guy, where I want to be, who I want to be, etc. I thought I went through the quarterlife crisis already. But maybe it is not a crisis per say. Maybe, if we pay close enough attention, we can see that sometimes things just collide and cause everything to be complicated even though the day before was so simple. Okay, I need to stop. This is a bit much to be jabbering on about.
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