Thursday, April 11, 2013
I've been struggling...for about 26 years! I am about to turn 35 next month and I am frustrated that I am STILL dealing with my weight challenges.
You would have thought I would have gotten it by now. Well, unfortunately, weight loss isn't that easy! As many of us find out. It isn't our bellies we need to get right, it's our brains. Our thinking, followed by our actions (or lack thereof) is what our weight is determined by.
Now...I KNOW what healthy eating is. I KNOW how much my body needs to exercise. I KNOW I am addicted to sugar. I have PLANNED to eat healthy, I have PLANNED to exercise, even putting it on my calendar, and I have PLANNED to ease up on the sugar. But guess what?
I DON'T do it! If I did, I would be losing again instead of going up and down the same five pounds again, like I did the last two years.
So what gives? Why the heck am I doing this to myself?
...a long-term habit....
Fear? Fear?! I have been heavy all of my life. I don't know what it is to be not fat. I know it sounds silly, but its fear that is driving that. I don't know HOW to be that healthy person... The person that doesn't make fun of herself first so others can't. The person who CAN go shopping with friends and buy clothes, not just jewelry. That person, that girl! I don't know how to be her. And, I think it scares the crud out of me.
And...I don't know how to be the girl that guys are attracted to...in fact, it makes me feel very uncomfortable to have a guy look at me for my looks. I know this sounds really silly, but it makes me feel very exposed, I might as well be naked. I think growing up, I developed fairly quickly and had attention from men, not the kind that you would really want, and I started gaining more weight. I know my weight is a suit of armor. And...I am afraid to take it off.
After having said all that...I know it's time.
It's time to...
...release this fear...
...accept and love myself...
...become healthy, not necessarily skinny...
...get my mind straight...
I started dieting at 9 years old and wasn't fat. I truly believe I gained weight because I learned how to "diet." I am going to be 35. It's time to get off this roller coaster.
Note to self: It's OKAY to be "Done Being the Fat Girl"! Other Done girls have done it, so can you!
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
I just saw the movie Flight this weekend and thought it was done brilliantly! As I am watching this movie, I am see this character, little by little, give in to his weakness. Over and over again. Even though it is not doing him any good...D'oh! I do that?! But with food! Oi!
I started to think about my life. The one thing I have battled with since I was 9, is my weight. I can't ever seem to get a consistent grasp on it for a long period of time. I have given in to my weakness (food/sugar) over and over again, continuing to destroy my health and my body. The one thing that will keep me here on earth...and I am destroying it. Why? What is causing me to eat, binge, or gorge on sweets? Fast food? What is keeping me from taking care of my body and being kind to myself? It is an interesting question, don't you think?
So, rewind to last week...I ran across something. I texted the photo to myself because I didn't want to forget it. The funny thing is, I have remembered it every day, a couple of times a day, since I first saw it. This is what I have had stuck in my head and barking at me every time I go to eat something...
Ain't that the truth?!
So why do I do it? Why do I eat what I know is not healthy for me? What do I eat things that defy my goals? What is propelling this addiction to food? Why am I not taking care of me? Why am I kind to others even if they are not kind to me, yet so critical of myself? Why do I think that just "one more..." won't show on the scale? Or on my body...in public? What is going on in this brain of mine? Really, as much as I would like to admit it, it's not my stomach, its my brain. Why can't my brain get fat instead of my stomach?! LOL! Anyways...
All very good questions...the only potential answer I have come with thus far is that I am eating to comfort, to soothe and to love myself. I need to find news ways to do this or my weight will never go down....
Hard to admit...
I thought about not posting this...but really, I think it's only going to help me (and hopefully someone else) with this problem.
I know I can overcome this. But, it will take time. It will take 110% effort every week, every day, every hour and sometimes every few seconds. Even when I reach my goal weight, it will still take the same amount of effort (or more) to stay there.
Yes, it will be hard...but I have a feeling, it will be worth it. =)
Friday, March 29, 2013
Today I listened to a webinar about weight loss. The premise was that there are people that feel too much, and without changing their diet, gain weight as a result. Now, I know this sounds so silly to those of us that are lifelong dieters...but, when I stopped to really think about it...there might actually be something to it.
Apparently, there are chemical changes that do happen in the body that cause the it to gain weight during times of heavy emotion. I won't go into too much detail, but the seminar seemed to make sense. I bought the book to learn a little more... I found it interesting, because there have been times when I was on track with food, exercise and water and I gained. It is very discouraging, but it never dawned on me that the body could react to emotion BY gaining weight if your calories in and calories out is on track. But, duh Kristi...look at Biggest Loser. Even those people who are working out like fiends end up gaining sometimes, and it is usually during the weeks of their "emotional breakthroughs". So my rather large bottom could partially be contributed to my emotions and empathy for others. Interesting...
I know this personally, this week has been a lot of ups and downs. I am starting to get myself back on track. I think tomorrow I will be there 100%. The one thing I think I really need to finally give up, without relapsing, is sugar. Even the fake stuff puts me into a craving tizzy!
I need to learn to "Just Say No...to Sugar...and Fake Sugar!"
ps - Please forgive my jumping around in this post. Its been a long day and I am beat!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Yesterday, my eating wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible. Today...today was another story. I took in over 3,000 calories! That is an all-time high for me. Most of it was in Doritos and a personal size gluten free pizza. Yes, those people that think gluten free will help them lose weight are soooo on the wrong path. My little (yes, it was little) pizza cost me 800 calories after I figured out how to calculate since it was from a mom and pop place.
Anyways...correlation to the food? Worry, stress and lots of change, minus my exercise and lack of water. Not a good equation for me. The day started out good, but the minute my co-worker started talking about my soon-to-be old boss...I wanted food. Had I realized this when it was happening, I don't think I would have made the choices I made. But, I did not realize this until this evening after eating half the bag of Doritos.
Now, I usually do not buy them, but I had to stop at the store on the way home and they were on sale for $1.50. I let my stupid logic rectify the purchase without considering the cost to my hips and thighs.
All I can say is I made some bad choices today. I am learning. Tomorrow is a new day and I want to stay within my calorie/points+ allotment. I also need to go to the gym too to get some of this stress off of me.
I need to stop with the processed foods, as that is what was key for me about a month ago when I started losing. My body doesn't like it, I feel more sluggish when I eat them and I am never full. It does me no good. I am almost done unpacking and I know that will help me tremendously! No more death by Doritos! My buns can't take it anymore! =)
Monday, March 18, 2013
So...I really thought that song said "Time may change me, but I can't change time" and "Turn and face the strange." In reality it is "Time may change me, but I can't trace time" and "Turn and face the strain." I'm a dork! I wasn't born in the Google age, so for those of you like me...we improvised to what we thought we heard! I think I like my lyrics better! J/K! LOL!
Anyways...so big, huge changes. I am moving this Thursday. I am going to a neighborhood that I feel a bit more safe in. I was noticing that I was not going to the gym, or anywhere for that matter, after sunset because I had a lot of fear. And, in the past month or so, the petty crime (burglary, assault, break-ins, mugging, etc) in my city have seemed to increase. I just don't feel safe. The new zip code I am moving to is directly giving me a $400 annual decrease in my car insurance. Well, that should tell me something! So, my apartment is torn apart right now, half packed. It is bittersweet. I do love my actual apartment, I just don't like where it is...the neighborhood.
So that is one thing.
The second Ch-Ch-Ch-Change is I got a new J-O-B! Woo hoo! I was a bit of an emotional mess last week because the offer I initially received was not what I had talked to the CFO about. So, I actually declined. Twice. It was a mis-communication and they counter-offered me this past Friday! Of course I told them I wanted to think about it over the weekend. (I knew I would take it). But, if you know me at all, you know I am a bit, spiritual and believe in non-traditional things. This Sunday ended Mercury Retrograde (2/24-3/17), in which you aren't supposed to sign any contracts during. Even people who are non-spiritual believe in this...and if you have had a rough couple of weeks, technology going haywire, people being out of sorts, etc., you can blame it on Mercury Retrograde! LOL! Anyways, I signed my new lease this morning, as well as accepted my job offer. I pick up the keys tomorrow and move on Thursday morning. I start my new job on April Fools Day! Let's hope that's not a sign!
I can tell you the single best thing I did this year was attend a spiritual retreat in Phoenix. It was more on the New Age-y side...but I finally came to terms with the fact that I am a very spiritual person, I do believe in Angels and miracles, I have tons of faith in others but rarely keep any for myself....which led me to exactly where I am today. The "me" a few months ago would have never valued myself enough to decline three various job offers (yes, this last one was the third), much less decline the job I wanted because of the $, or lack thereof. I think I am learning that I am valuable, that I can do great things, that I am an asset to any company I work for. I know I can always be replaced, but I think this was the Universe's way of challenging me to stand up and believe in myself and my abilities.
I gave my notice today...My current boss responded as if I was telling him that I bought a new pair of shoes. It was very nonchalant and seemed to be very unimportant to him. I have been there just under six years. He didn't thank me at all, or tell me really...anything. In fact, he tried to take credit for it by telling me that he had told a manager two years ago that I needed something like this. Bizarre. It also doesn't help that he is family on top of that. This just confirmed that moving on is the right thing for me.
Thank you to all of you that have been supportive over the last two years. Your words of encouragement and kindness have meant a lot to me!
Now, if I can just stop eating my emotions! (Yes, sugar monster happened yesterday. In control today, but doesn't help that all of my kitchen is packed and I can't cook right now!).
All I can tell myself is that I will do the best I can this week. I will also try to live in the present, not the future or the past. =)
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