Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I turned 35 on Monday. I was a little worried about it...I never had an issue with 20 or 30, but the years with a "5" in it always seem to wig me out. 25 was tough, now looking back on it...I kinda feel like what was I thinking?!
But...at the same time...25 was hard for the same reasons that 35 was hard this year. I am not where I thought I would be in life. Yes, I did let go of the "planning" ideals when I hit 30 and just let things happen. But the two things that were frustrating at 25, are still frustrating at 35.
For those of you that follow this blog, I'm sure you already know what I am going to say. My weight. I am still struggling with my weight. Even at 15 years old, I wasn't happy with my weight. Yes, I was dancing much more, about 20 hours a week and I was on Cheer. But, I was still carrying weight. I was about 188 in high school, a size 14. I didn't really self-sabotage at 15, but overate often, then diet, then overeat. It was a cycle or pattern. However, I didn't lose the weight at 15, nor at 25 and now I find myself at 35 and still struggling.
I truly believe that weight is a symptom of something else that is going on inside us. I know for me that is 100% true. I have never really been self-confident or had a positive self-image...I tried to fake it and it's a hard thing to fake. Especially being in sales! I think once I have a little faith in myself, I can start turning this around...but I get spooked and self-sabotage. I don't want to, but it happens. I have more or less figured out WHY I am doing this....and it relates to something that happened to me a few years ago. I am choosing to keep that private for the moment because I still haven't figured it out totally in my head and it is still very painful for me.
The other thing I really expected at 25, was to be married or at least in a long-term relationship. That didn't happen at 25 or 35. Again, I think a lot of this is tied into my weight and my self perception. And...the fact that the guys that I have allowed into my life were terrible for me. Looking back, I now realize that a lot of the guys I have dated haven't been right for me because they needed me for something, but there was nothing I needed from them. When I say needed, I am referring to emotional needs, lots of "mother" issues with these guys and I often fall into the mother hen type of girl when people need me. If they tried to use me for money, I immediately dropped that guy. Fortunately, that's only happened once.
Looking at the larger scope, I need to realize that I want to be with someone who "wants" to be with me and not someone who "needs" me for something. I guess it's hard for me to gauge that because my head just keeps thinking, "Well, who would want to be with me? I'm fat." I need to realize and truly understand that I am MORE than my weight. It's not going to be an easy thing to overcome since I have told myself this for so many years. I know it in my head though...now, I just need to teach my heart to learn and accept it too.
Needless to say, this past week has been difficult because it really did get me thinking about these two things. These are my road blocks. I am thinking...the best thing I can give myself this year is to learn how to get over these hurdles, and no matter what, accept and love myself unconditionally.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I thought I would be able to drop about 10 pounds before my birthday....I am about 2 pounds down. I turn 35 in 13 days and that means that I will have been trying to lose weight for 26 years now! Ugh! I really hate that it has been this long and I am still trying to work my way through this.
So, I tried out for Biggest Loser last year and didn't get a call back. I had people staring me down and telling me I wasn't fat enough for the show. Of course, it wasn't the show people, but other people in line.
I am considering trying out again this Saturday since they are holding auditions about an hour from my house. I was also thinking of making a video because the auditions are only about 20 seconds long and I might have a better shot with a video than the audition...I am not sure. Maybe both???
In a way, I am a little uncomfortable about weighing in on a huge scale in front of the nation on TV, but at the same time, I am much more uncomfortable in the body I am in right now. What makes me nuts is I know what to do, but I am not doing it. I can exercise and I enjoy it, but I am not consistent. I eat healthy most of the day, but at night I have my biggest struggles. I even opted to not get cable after I moved so I wouldn't eat in front of the TV...which I have to say has worked. But I am watching a few shows online. However, my TV time has decreased from about 3-4 hours a day to about an hour a day, 3 days a week.
I just really don't want to begin my second half of life in an overweight, unhealthy body.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
A whole lot has been going on...the one consistent thing in my life has been my weight. Although, it ideally would be going down, I have gotten on the up 5, down 5 roller coaster and it's time to get off this thing.
My birthday is in 28 days. I was thinking on the plane today and a little tonight...there are changes I know I can make to get me healthier by my 35th birthday. I would LOVE to be in Onderland, but I know 16 lbs in 28 days is unrealistic. However, about 10 pounds in 28 days is a good goal! I would need to aim for about 2.5lb loss each week. I know if I really try, I can do it.
So what's stopping me?
Nothing! Today I start my challenge...To be a healthier in 28 days, before I become 35! What does that mean? I will get my exercise or 10,000 steps a day and I will eat less than 1600 calories a day. I will make the healthiest decisions I can each day, to care and be kind to myself. I will also refrain from speaking negatively or critically to myself. I will no longer tear myself down with poor self talk, but build myself up with positive, supportive thoughts and actions.
It's time, Kristi. It's time.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Have a great weekend and be sure to eat healthy and work out! ;)
Thursday, April 11, 2013
I've been struggling...for about 26 years! I am about to turn 35 next month and I am frustrated that I am STILL dealing with my weight challenges.
You would have thought I would have gotten it by now. Well, unfortunately, weight loss isn't that easy! As many of us find out. It isn't our bellies we need to get right, it's our brains. Our thinking, followed by our actions (or lack thereof) is what our weight is determined by.
Now...I KNOW what healthy eating is. I KNOW how much my body needs to exercise. I KNOW I am addicted to sugar. I have PLANNED to eat healthy, I have PLANNED to exercise, even putting it on my calendar, and I have PLANNED to ease up on the sugar. But guess what?
I DON'T do it! If I did, I would be losing again instead of going up and down the same five pounds again, like I did the last two years.
So what gives? Why the heck am I doing this to myself?
...a long-term habit....
Fear? Fear?! I have been heavy all of my life. I don't know what it is to be not fat. I know it sounds silly, but its fear that is driving that. I don't know HOW to be that healthy person... The person that doesn't make fun of herself first so others can't. The person who CAN go shopping with friends and buy clothes, not just jewelry. That person, that girl! I don't know how to be her. And, I think it scares the crud out of me.
And...I don't know how to be the girl that guys are attracted to...in fact, it makes me feel very uncomfortable to have a guy look at me for my looks. I know this sounds really silly, but it makes me feel very exposed, I might as well be naked. I think growing up, I developed fairly quickly and had attention from men, not the kind that you would really want, and I started gaining more weight. I know my weight is a suit of armor. And...I am afraid to take it off.
After having said all that...I know it's time.
It's time to...
...release this fear...
...accept and love myself...
...become healthy, not necessarily skinny...
...get my mind straight...
I started dieting at 9 years old and wasn't fat. I truly believe I gained weight because I learned how to "diet." I am going to be 35. It's time to get off this roller coaster.
Note to self: It's OKAY to be "Done Being the Fat Girl"! Other Done girls have done it, so can you!
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