Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Well...I was flying high on Saturday. For the first time in a really long time, I felt happy. I have a new place to move to next week and although I love my apartment, the safety issue is a bit too much. I am moving to a safer neighborhood. And, I had received a job offer, but declined as the money wasn't very good but more importantly, it wasn't a fit for me. And...I had finished three rounds of interviews for another place and was offered a position (with great growth potential), we had discussed money already and I was just waiting for the offer letter, which was supposed to be emailed yesterday.
Well, yesterday rolled around and bumpkiss. So, without realizing it...what did I do? Eat. I tracked every last bit, but it was not pretty. So this morning, I got up with a renewed sense of self and thought I would do good. Well around 3p today, I got the emailed offer letter and I was offered $10k less than was discussed and no benefits.
I have been looking for almost 2 years now and this seems to keep happening. I was disappointed. I came home. I wasn't really hungry...but I made dinner. I had gluten free Quinoa pasta, sauce with zucchini. Well, I ended up eating 6oz of the Quinoa pasta, which is 3 servings! For those of you not familiar, 2 oz of Quinoa past is 210 calories, so in 6 oz I ate over 600 calories! Needless to say, I blew my day. However, I stopped right after that even though there was more. I realized what I was doing and made myself go and take a hot shower.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will start the process all over again. I am still feeling a little defeated today. It has been a rough go. Saturday seemed like there was so much potential and it all just seemed to come crashing down at once. But, I am not going to let myself dwell on the negative.
I will find another job at a place that is right for me, that will pay me at least what I am making now or more. I will have a new place where I feel safe walking from my car to my apartment and I will find peace and happens.
As for tonight, it is Day 2 of the Deepak Chopra & Oprah 21-Day Meditation Challenge. So, I will read and meditate before bed to CTRL+Alt+Delete myself for a fresh start in the morning.
Sunday, March 03, 2013
I am finally feeling better! We hiked Griffith Park this morning and had a lovely view from the top. It was difficult today...I can tell I haven't been to the gym in a week. It's amazing how much harder things are when you stop exercising! Now that I got rid of that crazy cold, I am back on track to going to the gym and getting exercise!
There is a lot of change in motion in my life right now. I need to just let it unfold and embrace it! What is meant to happen, will.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
It has been a crazy two weeks to say the least!
I am not going to get into details, but I will say that I have felt pretty much every emotion a person can feel. The only thing that is clear in my life as I write this, is that I want to make peace with my body. I want her to be healthy and loved. I don't want to trash her, treat her terribly or feed her crude anymore.
Tomorrow, I want to start to go sugar free (meaning no candy, cookies, ice cream, etc) until my 35th birthday, which is May 13th. I want to do this to see how it changes by body, my mind, my emotions. Today, I saw my Dad smoke cigarettes. He smoked when I was a little girl. I was so upset with him because all I could see was that he was choosing cigarettes over life with us, losing minutes as he puffed away. On my way home...I realized I was doing the same thing. Only, instead of cigarettes, I was opting for food. I have been choosing food over life with my loved ones.
No more. Life is not worth food. Period. I don't want to exchange minutes of my life, or even seconds of my life for food. A cheeseburger is not worth loss of time (in any increment) with my father or my mother or any of my other loved ones. For the last 34 years, I have made that so. No longer. I cannot chose that willingly anymore.
As Steve Jobs once said, "My favorite things in life don't cost any money. It's really clear that the most precious resource we all have is time." I believe he was right and I don't want to throw any more gifts of time in the garbage.
Start living, not existing, today.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
I have been wanting to become a runner since...well, since I can remember. I think it's because it has always been something I have never been able to do, even when I was thinner. I do struggle with my breathing, but there are professional athletes that have the same challenges, but succeed. I have been thinking about this more and more...for too many years, I have listened to people who have discouraged me from even trying. I am not sure why I listen, but I think it has something to do with the part of me that is concerned I may not make it. The part of me that doubts my success...the part of me that has seen me fail before and thinks that I may repeat that failure.
However...that voice has gotten me nowhere. It has gotten me to overweight. I am here because I chose not to try. I am here because its easier to be lazy (when it comes to exercise). I am here because I listened to people about what I should do with my life, instead of paying attention to what I want to do. Now...I can't for the life of me remember what I wanted to be when I was a little girl. I even asked my mom if I ever said anything. She said no. Even from an early age, I was trying to please others. I didn't want to want for myself. I think I considered it selfish....my mom always discouraged that. We were never supposed to say anything good about ourselves because other people would think we were show-offs or self-centered.
It has taken a while, but I am learning there is a difference between being self-centered and having a positive self-confidence. And...I need to start living my life, which includes doing a few things that I want to do. I have worried too long about what other people think or about what they may say. It's time to start doing something that makes me happy, in a healthy way! Training for a half-marathon is a great goal to set...it is something that I can work up to, is good for me and is something I could never see myself doing until now.
Its time to stop worrying and start running! Not only will my heart feel better, it will be happy too!
Saturday, February 09, 2013
Stress is a very strange thing. I don't think our ancestors ever had this amount of stress in their lives because the world has never moved as fast as it does today. We are constantly getting info thrown at us, interrupting us every moment of the day in the overly connected world. We carry this little device around with us that delivers calls, emails, text messages, instant messages, location markers, reminders, calendars and the list goes on. This week, I was on overload. I am a little disappointed to tell you that I gave in to my stress...via Conversation Hearts (yup....those little Valentine's day candies). I really just wanted sugar.
Now, it would have been okay if I could just find a single serving box. However, I went to one store the first day and could only find 12 packs of 2 servings each mini boxes. So, I told myself I don't need it anyways. The second day, more stress, desire for sugar skyrocketed. I happen to stop at a grocery store for dinner...They only had the large conversation hearts, which I don't care for. They taste different to me (I know its in my head, but I wanted the little ones). The third day, I just lost it. I went to the store after the gym (I know!) and decided to just buy the bag, that's all they had. Well...the bag had 15 servings. I ended up eating them all in two days. (the pic is a generic stock photo)
Fast forward to this morning. I gained 2.2 this week. With my body, it doesn't matter that I went to the gym 6 days this week, for a minimum of a hour each day. Nope, my body just always goes up when I eat sugar. Lesson learned.
It got me thinking about decisions. I know the Cornell University study says that on average, we make about 200 decisions each day JUST about food. 200! The brain started turning...with all the stress and info we have today, how many decisions do we make each day? Overall, not just food? It was hard to find an answer online...it seemed to vary from place to place. But, I think the most consistent (albeit vague) answer I got was 100's to up to 5,000. Even if we said it was 1,000 (just picking a # in the range on the low end), that is a ton! Add 200 for food...1200 decisions is a lot. No wonder WL is so difficult. For those of us that learned to cope with food, we have to fight our old habits 200 times a day when we eat and 1000 times a day when we are stressed.
So...my point in looking at this is that I have to view the WHOLE picture here. I am never going to get every decision right ALL the time. But, if I can get even 80% of it right, I will have made a positive change in seriously changing my old habits to new, healthier ones.
While I don't like my 2.2 gain...I need to remind myself that this is a process. It will not happen overnight. And...I need to renew my commitment to getting healthy every single morning for the rest of my life. That is one decision I never have to make again!
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