Monday, March 18, 2013
So...I really thought that song said "Time may change me, but I can't change time" and "Turn and face the strange." In reality it is "Time may change me, but I can't trace time" and "Turn and face the strain." I'm a dork! I wasn't born in the Google age, so for those of you like me...we improvised to what we thought we heard! I think I like my lyrics better! J/K! LOL!
Anyways...so big, huge changes. I am moving this Thursday. I am going to a neighborhood that I feel a bit more safe in. I was noticing that I was not going to the gym, or anywhere for that matter, after sunset because I had a lot of fear. And, in the past month or so, the petty crime (burglary, assault, break-ins, mugging, etc) in my city have seemed to increase. I just don't feel safe. The new zip code I am moving to is directly giving me a $400 annual decrease in my car insurance. Well, that should tell me something! So, my apartment is torn apart right now, half packed. It is bittersweet. I do love my actual apartment, I just don't like where it is...the neighborhood.
So that is one thing.
The second Ch-Ch-Ch-Change is I got a new J-O-B! Woo hoo! I was a bit of an emotional mess last week because the offer I initially received was not what I had talked to the CFO about. So, I actually declined. Twice. It was a mis-communication and they counter-offered me this past Friday! Of course I told them I wanted to think about it over the weekend. (I knew I would take it). But, if you know me at all, you know I am a bit, spiritual and believe in non-traditional things. This Sunday ended Mercury Retrograde (2/24-3/17), in which you aren't supposed to sign any contracts during. Even people who are non-spiritual believe in this...and if you have had a rough couple of weeks, technology going haywire, people being out of sorts, etc., you can blame it on Mercury Retrograde! LOL! Anyways, I signed my new lease this morning, as well as accepted my job offer. I pick up the keys tomorrow and move on Thursday morning. I start my new job on April Fools Day! Let's hope that's not a sign!
I can tell you the single best thing I did this year was attend a spiritual retreat in Phoenix. It was more on the New Age-y side...but I finally came to terms with the fact that I am a very spiritual person, I do believe in Angels and miracles, I have tons of faith in others but rarely keep any for myself....which led me to exactly where I am today. The "me" a few months ago would have never valued myself enough to decline three various job offers (yes, this last one was the third), much less decline the job I wanted because of the $, or lack thereof. I think I am learning that I am valuable, that I can do great things, that I am an asset to any company I work for. I know I can always be replaced, but I think this was the Universe's way of challenging me to stand up and believe in myself and my abilities.
I gave my notice today...My current boss responded as if I was telling him that I bought a new pair of shoes. It was very nonchalant and seemed to be very unimportant to him. I have been there just under six years. He didn't thank me at all, or tell me really...anything. In fact, he tried to take credit for it by telling me that he had told a manager two years ago that I needed something like this. Bizarre. It also doesn't help that he is family on top of that. This just confirmed that moving on is the right thing for me.
Thank you to all of you that have been supportive over the last two years. Your words of encouragement and kindness have meant a lot to me!
Now, if I can just stop eating my emotions! (Yes, sugar monster happened yesterday. In control today, but doesn't help that all of my kitchen is packed and I can't cook right now!).
All I can tell myself is that I will do the best I can this week. I will also try to live in the present, not the future or the past. =)
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Well...I was flying high on Saturday. For the first time in a really long time, I felt happy. I have a new place to move to next week and although I love my apartment, the safety issue is a bit too much. I am moving to a safer neighborhood. And, I had received a job offer, but declined as the money wasn't very good but more importantly, it wasn't a fit for me. And...I had finished three rounds of interviews for another place and was offered a position (with great growth potential), we had discussed money already and I was just waiting for the offer letter, which was supposed to be emailed yesterday.
Well, yesterday rolled around and bumpkiss. So, without realizing it...what did I do? Eat. I tracked every last bit, but it was not pretty. So this morning, I got up with a renewed sense of self and thought I would do good. Well around 3p today, I got the emailed offer letter and I was offered $10k less than was discussed and no benefits.
I have been looking for almost 2 years now and this seems to keep happening. I was disappointed. I came home. I wasn't really hungry...but I made dinner. I had gluten free Quinoa pasta, sauce with zucchini. Well, I ended up eating 6oz of the Quinoa pasta, which is 3 servings! For those of you not familiar, 2 oz of Quinoa past is 210 calories, so in 6 oz I ate over 600 calories! Needless to say, I blew my day. However, I stopped right after that even though there was more. I realized what I was doing and made myself go and take a hot shower.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will start the process all over again. I am still feeling a little defeated today. It has been a rough go. Saturday seemed like there was so much potential and it all just seemed to come crashing down at once. But, I am not going to let myself dwell on the negative.
I will find another job at a place that is right for me, that will pay me at least what I am making now or more. I will have a new place where I feel safe walking from my car to my apartment and I will find peace and happens.
As for tonight, it is Day 2 of the Deepak Chopra & Oprah 21-Day Meditation Challenge. So, I will read and meditate before bed to CTRL+Alt+Delete myself for a fresh start in the morning.
Sunday, March 03, 2013
I am finally feeling better! We hiked Griffith Park this morning and had a lovely view from the top. It was difficult today...I can tell I haven't been to the gym in a week. It's amazing how much harder things are when you stop exercising! Now that I got rid of that crazy cold, I am back on track to going to the gym and getting exercise!
There is a lot of change in motion in my life right now. I need to just let it unfold and embrace it! What is meant to happen, will.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
It has been a crazy two weeks to say the least!
I am not going to get into details, but I will say that I have felt pretty much every emotion a person can feel. The only thing that is clear in my life as I write this, is that I want to make peace with my body. I want her to be healthy and loved. I don't want to trash her, treat her terribly or feed her crude anymore.
Tomorrow, I want to start to go sugar free (meaning no candy, cookies, ice cream, etc) until my 35th birthday, which is May 13th. I want to do this to see how it changes by body, my mind, my emotions. Today, I saw my Dad smoke cigarettes. He smoked when I was a little girl. I was so upset with him because all I could see was that he was choosing cigarettes over life with us, losing minutes as he puffed away. On my way home...I realized I was doing the same thing. Only, instead of cigarettes, I was opting for food. I have been choosing food over life with my loved ones.
No more. Life is not worth food. Period. I don't want to exchange minutes of my life, or even seconds of my life for food. A cheeseburger is not worth loss of time (in any increment) with my father or my mother or any of my other loved ones. For the last 34 years, I have made that so. No longer. I cannot chose that willingly anymore.
As Steve Jobs once said, "My favorite things in life don't cost any money. It's really clear that the most precious resource we all have is time." I believe he was right and I don't want to throw any more gifts of time in the garbage.
Start living, not existing, today.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
I have been wanting to become a runner since...well, since I can remember. I think it's because it has always been something I have never been able to do, even when I was thinner. I do struggle with my breathing, but there are professional athletes that have the same challenges, but succeed. I have been thinking about this more and more...for too many years, I have listened to people who have discouraged me from even trying. I am not sure why I listen, but I think it has something to do with the part of me that is concerned I may not make it. The part of me that doubts my success...the part of me that has seen me fail before and thinks that I may repeat that failure.
However...that voice has gotten me nowhere. It has gotten me to overweight. I am here because I chose not to try. I am here because its easier to be lazy (when it comes to exercise). I am here because I listened to people about what I should do with my life, instead of paying attention to what I want to do. Now...I can't for the life of me remember what I wanted to be when I was a little girl. I even asked my mom if I ever said anything. She said no. Even from an early age, I was trying to please others. I didn't want to want for myself. I think I considered it selfish....my mom always discouraged that. We were never supposed to say anything good about ourselves because other people would think we were show-offs or self-centered.
It has taken a while, but I am learning there is a difference between being self-centered and having a positive self-confidence. And...I need to start living my life, which includes doing a few things that I want to do. I have worried too long about what other people think or about what they may say. It's time to start doing something that makes me happy, in a healthy way! Training for a half-marathon is a great goal to set...it is something that I can work up to, is good for me and is something I could never see myself doing until now.
Its time to stop worrying and start running! Not only will my heart feel better, it will be happy too!
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