Monday, February 04, 2013
To say this past year has been difficult is an understatement. There are so many moving pieces in my life right now and I guess that is difficult for me, in and of itself. I am usually the one who is stable, knows what she wants and has direction.
As of late...I feel very unstable financially, my job is also unstable which is causing the financial instability, I don't know what I want and I feel for the first time in my life... I don't have any direction. It's a very odd place for a stubborn Taurus like me to be.
As many of you know, I have been struggling to find a job. I have been getting interviews, and they have been going well. I get positive comments, but there is always another candidate with either more years experience than me or they have been doing a particular job for a longer period than me. I'm in L.A. and yes, the job market is doing better, but it is still saturated. I am not able to compete with people 10+ years my senior, when it comes to experience. I lose every single time. I am trying to stay positive and tell myself, it wasn't meant to be.
I think the most problematic thing right now is that the company I work for is unstable. They made some poor financial decisions, and now they are having trouble (again) making payroll. This is affecting me tremendously. I don't know what I make at the end of each month (commission only) and I don't get my paychecks on time. It is wrecking havoc on my bills and causing me stress. I think the emotion I have been trying to stuff down though, is anger. I work for family and it makes everything more complicated and more frustrating. I also think I don't want to say that I am "angry." Anger is a negative emotional and I think I also view it as "mean." I don't want to be mean...but I do need to stick up for myself, realize my worth as an employee and stop just accepting this way of life. It doesn't have to be this way. I can change that.
On another note...I was bit by a spider or something. Last Tuesday, my pointer finger on my left hand went numb. Just the finger tip, it felt like it was asleep. I thought I slept weird or something. Then on Wednesday or Thursday, I noticed I have bite marks on my elbow of the same arm. It looks like two mosquito bites and two spider bites. I went to the CVS clinic and they couldn't help (legally). They referred me to a neurologist because of the numbness, same thing with the pharmacist. So, I bought Benadryl and had that all weekend, I was so sleepy and groggy! But, my fingertips feel like they are starting to wake up. The bites are still there, not as red and they don't itch. But the nurse freaked me out when she said I needed to see a neurologist. I think I might have been allergic to the venom...If it doesn't go away this week, I will make a doctors appt.
One thing I can say I have done about the stress is going to the gym. Last week, I went 6 days out of the week. I did have one bad eating day, which is improving. Yesterday was a bit trying too...I think it all hit me at once. I ate Doritos, but I bought Salsa Verde because they are not my favorite. It did keep me from eating the whole bag, in fact I threw half the bag in the trash. Which, on the other hand I am kicking myself because I didn't have the money to buy them anyways! But, I tracked it too, so I know I will need to kick up my exercise this week.
Yes, my thinking is scattered right now. Can you tell? Anyways, I need to find a job pretty quickly. I have been asking everyone I know. I friend of mine thinks he will be able to help me find something great. However, it will be in San Francisco. I will be away from my family, which will be difficult. But, I emailed him yesterday and said if there is a great opportunity offered, I would consider moving.
Just the thought scared me to death. Who knows? It might be the best thing I can do for myself right now. The girl who is ridiculously afraid of earthquakes may be moving to EQ central!
Thursday, January 31, 2013
I had a really strange dream last night. I dreamt that I was at what seemed like a zoo. We were looking through the glass into a animal habitat with lots of water and these wooden structures with four sides and minimal wood. Looking up, I saw that there were people there, hanging on for dear life onto these wooden structures. They looked very frightened. I looked down below the water level, through the glass, to see large alligators! Tons of them! I saw the gators circling the wooden structures. In the blink of an eye, I found myself on one of the structures, fending off an alligators snap of his jaw. I was definately in fear, these gators were not only vicious, but they were huge too! They could overpower me in a moment!
I looked up alligators in my dream dictionary (I have a lot of strange dreams) and it had to do with deception and lies. But, I also looked up fear. Here is what it had to say about that...
This makes total sense to me. Right now in my life, I am struggling in finding a new job. I think part of the reason is that I don't know what I want to do with my life. Since I was young, I have always done things to please other people and "earn" praise, which fed my self-esteem. As you may have figured, my self-esteem became reliant on others words and I am now trying to change that. But, in being a people pleaser, I also surpressed the things I wanted in life. I don't remember ever saying when I was little that "I wanted to be a ___ when I grow up." I don't remember what that was or is. And now, I think my passions have been so far pushed down that I don't know which way is up anymore.
I had a second dream last night too...I went to a bar for a friends birthday. I didn't expect to see anyone else, but I did see someone from grad school and his wife. The two groups didn't know each other, but when I came back from the bar, I saw that they were all hanging out. I just felt really out of place and disconnected from the whole thing. I decided to say my goodbyes and head home.
I walked outside and it was daytime. There was a large, beautiful park to my left and lots of people walking around. The park had tons of cars and people were parallel parked wherever they could find a space. I was walking to may car and I see a red jeep try to pull out of a really tight space. It pushes the car in front of it about a foot, then backs up. Then just starts crashing into the car behind and in front of it to get out. I looked inside the jeep and there was a little boy crying. I felt so bad and saw that they jeep stopped. I helped the little boy out of the car and carried him to the park side of the road. I don't know what happened next, but right before I woke up, I knew I wasn't at the park anymore but heard the word "her" over and over again. It was almost robotic or like one of those pre-recorded messages you get on your home phone.
I am not sure what to make of the second dream, but I felt really out of sorts when I woke up. I realized that it was the same feeling I am having in my waking life as well.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
So...this was me today!
I have been reading this blog by Katie called Runs for Cookies. She was the one who started the 10 person relay with people who have lost 100lbs or more and even included Ada from BL. Today was her birthday. She decided to do a virtual 5k and anyone could have signed up on her website. You would do the 5k on your own, around the neighborhood, at your gym, etc.
Well...I signed up a few days ago and was very excited! Last night, I slept terribly. My Fitbit showed that I really only got about an hour and a half of sleep. Needless to say, I was up most of the night...I think I had insomnia due to stress (my day job is not covering my bills each month and they keep paying us late).
Anywho...so I go to Zumba tonight and figured I would do the 5k afterwards. Well, we had a sub and he was FABULOUS! However, I was dripping at the end of the first song! He beat the heck out of us...I debated not going to do the 5k afterwards...But then...I thought, "Kristi, you always flake out on yourself. Look, you signed up for Katies 5k, you are going to follow through, even if it takes you an hour!"
So guess what? I did! I did it in 45:10, not my best time...but pretty good for being wiped out and not jogging for almost 3 months. My body hurts all over and I have my WI tomorrow morning. I am hoping that I don't gain because of water retention in my muscles. But if I do, oh well. I know I am doing my body good!
Zumba's gonna hurt in tomorrow morning's class before WI! Despite that, I'm going!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Yep...the picture about sums it up. It's exactly how I feel right now.
Just found out that one of the jobs I interviewed for last week chose to go with another candidate. I get why they did, as they had a specific background that they were searching for. It was not my background. But, it doesn't change the fact that I feel sad about it. And bummed. And...that I have to continue working in my current job, which is just unstable in every possible way.
I know that I shouldn't be discouraged. I know that my friends and family will tell me, "You have great experience and education, don't worry! You will find something." I understand why they say this, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I think by pushing away these feelings, it will ultimately just push me to food. I know I have to feel this, acknowledge it and learn from it. But, it does really suck.
And, I have been looking for about 2 years now, more actively in the last six months, but nonetheless, it's been a long time. It just seems like I might never get out of here unless I agree to much lower pay, which I know financially I cannot do.
Why is looking for a new job so difficult and emotional? Frustrating too. I will get out of this funk, but the wound is only about 15 minutes old...
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
The two words above are always followed by the third word (chocolate) in my brain. It's been my go-to for the last 34 years.
However, I am happy to say, I have not ate these feelings. Though, it has been super trying! Not having that in my house has helped a lot.
I am stressed about my job, not knowing what is happening with the two interviews I had last week, yet still trying to balance the jobs I have now. Overwhelmed by money, or rather lack thereof. I have to say....I really do hate money. It makes people crazy, both when they have it and when they don't. If I ever do become wealthy, I want to still live like a regular person. I think based on my experience, I would be afraid to spend it for fear that I would find myself broke like I am today.
This feeling of overwhelm and stress is horrible. I don't like emotions to begin with, yes, I can be a clam. But, this makes me feel like I don't have control over my own body and I don't like that feeling. When I get out of this next meeting, I am putting on gym clothes and going to the gym. I need to burn off this feeling and if I have to do it through sweat, so be it!
Ahhh! Thanks for the vent! I feel a little better!
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