Sunday, February 24, 2013
It has been a crazy two weeks to say the least!
I am not going to get into details, but I will say that I have felt pretty much every emotion a person can feel. The only thing that is clear in my life as I write this, is that I want to make peace with my body. I want her to be healthy and loved. I don't want to trash her, treat her terribly or feed her crude anymore.
Tomorrow, I want to start to go sugar free (meaning no candy, cookies, ice cream, etc) until my 35th birthday, which is May 13th. I want to do this to see how it changes by body, my mind, my emotions. Today, I saw my Dad smoke cigarettes. He smoked when I was a little girl. I was so upset with him because all I could see was that he was choosing cigarettes over life with us, losing minutes as he puffed away. On my way home...I realized I was doing the same thing. Only, instead of cigarettes, I was opting for food. I have been choosing food over life with my loved ones.
No more. Life is not worth food. Period. I don't want to exchange minutes of my life, or even seconds of my life for food. A cheeseburger is not worth loss of time (in any increment) with my father or my mother or any of my other loved ones. For the last 34 years, I have made that so. No longer. I cannot chose that willingly anymore.
As Steve Jobs once said, "My favorite things in life don't cost any money. It's really clear that the most precious resource we all have is time." I believe he was right and I don't want to throw any more gifts of time in the garbage.
Start living, not existing, today.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
I have been wanting to become a runner since...well, since I can remember. I think it's because it has always been something I have never been able to do, even when I was thinner. I do struggle with my breathing, but there are professional athletes that have the same challenges, but succeed. I have been thinking about this more and more...for too many years, I have listened to people who have discouraged me from even trying. I am not sure why I listen, but I think it has something to do with the part of me that is concerned I may not make it. The part of me that doubts my success...the part of me that has seen me fail before and thinks that I may repeat that failure.
However...that voice has gotten me nowhere. It has gotten me to overweight. I am here because I chose not to try. I am here because its easier to be lazy (when it comes to exercise). I am here because I listened to people about what I should do with my life, instead of paying attention to what I want to do. Now...I can't for the life of me remember what I wanted to be when I was a little girl. I even asked my mom if I ever said anything. She said no. Even from an early age, I was trying to please others. I didn't want to want for myself. I think I considered it selfish....my mom always discouraged that. We were never supposed to say anything good about ourselves because other people would think we were show-offs or self-centered.
It has taken a while, but I am learning there is a difference between being self-centered and having a positive self-confidence. And...I need to start living my life, which includes doing a few things that I want to do. I have worried too long about what other people think or about what they may say. It's time to start doing something that makes me happy, in a healthy way! Training for a half-marathon is a great goal to set...it is something that I can work up to, is good for me and is something I could never see myself doing until now.
Its time to stop worrying and start running! Not only will my heart feel better, it will be happy too!
Saturday, February 09, 2013
Stress is a very strange thing. I don't think our ancestors ever had this amount of stress in their lives because the world has never moved as fast as it does today. We are constantly getting info thrown at us, interrupting us every moment of the day in the overly connected world. We carry this little device around with us that delivers calls, emails, text messages, instant messages, location markers, reminders, calendars and the list goes on. This week, I was on overload. I am a little disappointed to tell you that I gave in to my stress...via Conversation Hearts (yup....those little Valentine's day candies). I really just wanted sugar.
Now, it would have been okay if I could just find a single serving box. However, I went to one store the first day and could only find 12 packs of 2 servings each mini boxes. So, I told myself I don't need it anyways. The second day, more stress, desire for sugar skyrocketed. I happen to stop at a grocery store for dinner...They only had the large conversation hearts, which I don't care for. They taste different to me (I know its in my head, but I wanted the little ones). The third day, I just lost it. I went to the store after the gym (I know!) and decided to just buy the bag, that's all they had. Well...the bag had 15 servings. I ended up eating them all in two days. (the pic is a generic stock photo)
Fast forward to this morning. I gained 2.2 this week. With my body, it doesn't matter that I went to the gym 6 days this week, for a minimum of a hour each day. Nope, my body just always goes up when I eat sugar. Lesson learned.
It got me thinking about decisions. I know the Cornell University study says that on average, we make about 200 decisions each day JUST about food. 200! The brain started turning...with all the stress and info we have today, how many decisions do we make each day? Overall, not just food? It was hard to find an answer online...it seemed to vary from place to place. But, I think the most consistent (albeit vague) answer I got was 100's to up to 5,000. Even if we said it was 1,000 (just picking a # in the range on the low end), that is a ton! Add 200 for food...1200 decisions is a lot. No wonder WL is so difficult. For those of us that learned to cope with food, we have to fight our old habits 200 times a day when we eat and 1000 times a day when we are stressed.
So...my point in looking at this is that I have to view the WHOLE picture here. I am never going to get every decision right ALL the time. But, if I can get even 80% of it right, I will have made a positive change in seriously changing my old habits to new, healthier ones.
While I don't like my 2.2 gain...I need to remind myself that this is a process. It will not happen overnight. And...I need to renew my commitment to getting healthy every single morning for the rest of my life. That is one decision I never have to make again!
Monday, February 04, 2013
To say this past year has been difficult is an understatement. There are so many moving pieces in my life right now and I guess that is difficult for me, in and of itself. I am usually the one who is stable, knows what she wants and has direction.
As of late...I feel very unstable financially, my job is also unstable which is causing the financial instability, I don't know what I want and I feel for the first time in my life... I don't have any direction. It's a very odd place for a stubborn Taurus like me to be.
As many of you know, I have been struggling to find a job. I have been getting interviews, and they have been going well. I get positive comments, but there is always another candidate with either more years experience than me or they have been doing a particular job for a longer period than me. I'm in L.A. and yes, the job market is doing better, but it is still saturated. I am not able to compete with people 10+ years my senior, when it comes to experience. I lose every single time. I am trying to stay positive and tell myself, it wasn't meant to be.
I think the most problematic thing right now is that the company I work for is unstable. They made some poor financial decisions, and now they are having trouble (again) making payroll. This is affecting me tremendously. I don't know what I make at the end of each month (commission only) and I don't get my paychecks on time. It is wrecking havoc on my bills and causing me stress. I think the emotion I have been trying to stuff down though, is anger. I work for family and it makes everything more complicated and more frustrating. I also think I don't want to say that I am "angry." Anger is a negative emotional and I think I also view it as "mean." I don't want to be mean...but I do need to stick up for myself, realize my worth as an employee and stop just accepting this way of life. It doesn't have to be this way. I can change that.
On another note...I was bit by a spider or something. Last Tuesday, my pointer finger on my left hand went numb. Just the finger tip, it felt like it was asleep. I thought I slept weird or something. Then on Wednesday or Thursday, I noticed I have bite marks on my elbow of the same arm. It looks like two mosquito bites and two spider bites. I went to the CVS clinic and they couldn't help (legally). They referred me to a neurologist because of the numbness, same thing with the pharmacist. So, I bought Benadryl and had that all weekend, I was so sleepy and groggy! But, my fingertips feel like they are starting to wake up. The bites are still there, not as red and they don't itch. But the nurse freaked me out when she said I needed to see a neurologist. I think I might have been allergic to the venom...If it doesn't go away this week, I will make a doctors appt.
One thing I can say I have done about the stress is going to the gym. Last week, I went 6 days out of the week. I did have one bad eating day, which is improving. Yesterday was a bit trying too...I think it all hit me at once. I ate Doritos, but I bought Salsa Verde because they are not my favorite. It did keep me from eating the whole bag, in fact I threw half the bag in the trash. Which, on the other hand I am kicking myself because I didn't have the money to buy them anyways! But, I tracked it too, so I know I will need to kick up my exercise this week.
Yes, my thinking is scattered right now. Can you tell? Anyways, I need to find a job pretty quickly. I have been asking everyone I know. I friend of mine thinks he will be able to help me find something great. However, it will be in San Francisco. I will be away from my family, which will be difficult. But, I emailed him yesterday and said if there is a great opportunity offered, I would consider moving.
Just the thought scared me to death. Who knows? It might be the best thing I can do for myself right now. The girl who is ridiculously afraid of earthquakes may be moving to EQ central!
Thursday, January 31, 2013
I had a really strange dream last night. I dreamt that I was at what seemed like a zoo. We were looking through the glass into a animal habitat with lots of water and these wooden structures with four sides and minimal wood. Looking up, I saw that there were people there, hanging on for dear life onto these wooden structures. They looked very frightened. I looked down below the water level, through the glass, to see large alligators! Tons of them! I saw the gators circling the wooden structures. In the blink of an eye, I found myself on one of the structures, fending off an alligators snap of his jaw. I was definately in fear, these gators were not only vicious, but they were huge too! They could overpower me in a moment!
I looked up alligators in my dream dictionary (I have a lot of strange dreams) and it had to do with deception and lies. But, I also looked up fear. Here is what it had to say about that...
This makes total sense to me. Right now in my life, I am struggling in finding a new job. I think part of the reason is that I don't know what I want to do with my life. Since I was young, I have always done things to please other people and "earn" praise, which fed my self-esteem. As you may have figured, my self-esteem became reliant on others words and I am now trying to change that. But, in being a people pleaser, I also surpressed the things I wanted in life. I don't remember ever saying when I was little that "I wanted to be a ___ when I grow up." I don't remember what that was or is. And now, I think my passions have been so far pushed down that I don't know which way is up anymore.
I had a second dream last night too...I went to a bar for a friends birthday. I didn't expect to see anyone else, but I did see someone from grad school and his wife. The two groups didn't know each other, but when I came back from the bar, I saw that they were all hanging out. I just felt really out of place and disconnected from the whole thing. I decided to say my goodbyes and head home.
I walked outside and it was daytime. There was a large, beautiful park to my left and lots of people walking around. The park had tons of cars and people were parallel parked wherever they could find a space. I was walking to may car and I see a red jeep try to pull out of a really tight space. It pushes the car in front of it about a foot, then backs up. Then just starts crashing into the car behind and in front of it to get out. I looked inside the jeep and there was a little boy crying. I felt so bad and saw that they jeep stopped. I helped the little boy out of the car and carried him to the park side of the road. I don't know what happened next, but right before I woke up, I knew I wasn't at the park anymore but heard the word "her" over and over again. It was almost robotic or like one of those pre-recorded messages you get on your home phone.
I am not sure what to make of the second dream, but I felt really out of sorts when I woke up. I realized that it was the same feeling I am having in my waking life as well.
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