Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Yep...the picture about sums it up. It's exactly how I feel right now.
Just found out that one of the jobs I interviewed for last week chose to go with another candidate. I get why they did, as they had a specific background that they were searching for. It was not my background. But, it doesn't change the fact that I feel sad about it. And bummed. And...that I have to continue working in my current job, which is just unstable in every possible way.
I know that I shouldn't be discouraged. I know that my friends and family will tell me, "You have great experience and education, don't worry! You will find something." I understand why they say this, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I think by pushing away these feelings, it will ultimately just push me to food. I know I have to feel this, acknowledge it and learn from it. But, it does really suck.
And, I have been looking for about 2 years now, more actively in the last six months, but nonetheless, it's been a long time. It just seems like I might never get out of here unless I agree to much lower pay, which I know financially I cannot do.
Why is looking for a new job so difficult and emotional? Frustrating too. I will get out of this funk, but the wound is only about 15 minutes old...
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
The two words above are always followed by the third word (chocolate) in my brain. It's been my go-to for the last 34 years.
However, I am happy to say, I have not ate these feelings. Though, it has been super trying! Not having that in my house has helped a lot.
I am stressed about my job, not knowing what is happening with the two interviews I had last week, yet still trying to balance the jobs I have now. Overwhelmed by money, or rather lack thereof. I have to say....I really do hate money. It makes people crazy, both when they have it and when they don't. If I ever do become wealthy, I want to still live like a regular person. I think based on my experience, I would be afraid to spend it for fear that I would find myself broke like I am today.
This feeling of overwhelm and stress is horrible. I don't like emotions to begin with, yes, I can be a clam. But, this makes me feel like I don't have control over my own body and I don't like that feeling. When I get out of this next meeting, I am putting on gym clothes and going to the gym. I need to burn off this feeling and if I have to do it through sweat, so be it!
Ahhh! Thanks for the vent! I feel a little better!
Monday, January 14, 2013
I recently read a short story about an elephant that wanted to be a butterfly. The basic story was that everyone told the elephant that he could never be a butterfly because he was an elephant. He believed everyone for a while, but one day decided he wasn't going to listen to what everyone else was saying. He decided that he was going to do what he wanted to do...So, he found a way to become a butterfly!
I have been thinking about this story for the last two weeks or so. I think it mirrors my life quite a bit. The little twist in my story is that I listen to what people say I "should" do instead of what I want to do. I think it parallels the elephants story quite a bit and I think I have finally decided that I want to change my life and be a butterfly too! A financially secure butterfly, but a butterfly nonetheless.
I know in my life, I have often trusted the opinions of my close friends and family so much so, that I tend to discount my own thoughts. What I need to realize is, this is MY life and no one else is going to put in the work for the decisions I make but ME. So, it's fine to hear others out, but I need to learn to truly begin trusting my intuition and knowing that its going to be okay, because my intuition IS trustworthy. I know what is best for me more so than anyone else...not only because they haven't walked in my shoes, but they haven't been in my head or loved with my heart. They haven't been hurt by the same words or been taken advantage of by the same people. They may feel that they really know me and they know what's best, but ultimately...the only one who really knows that is me.
I know this is a little off topic for a WL blog, but I think I am finally starting to understand how everything in my life is correlated. I am unhappy in my job, but I stayed because I work for family. The unhappiness made me turn to food to cope, which I felt horrible about myself for and therefore didn't want to go to the gym. Also, because my job is not great and getting paid has been problematic, I have not been able to go out with friends because I don't have the money. So, it is making me feel more isolated, churning the cycle of coping with food and lack of exercise. I get it now, its all intertwined.
These last few weeks, I have not turned to food. This is a huge step for me. But, what needs to happen now, is I need to find a job that will allow me to be financially stable again AND will make me feel good about myself so that I am not falling back into that old pattern.
Sometimes I wish WL wasn't so difficult and so emotional. But I also know that if I don't finally learn how to cope without food, I will never be at a healthy weight or be able to maintain it. It's time for this elephant to grow some wings and become the butterfly she knows she is!
Have a great week, friends!
Monday, January 07, 2013
I am a medical sales rep for an independent company, with no benefits at all. I have had ups and downs with work, especially over the last two years. We lost a major line (due to a buyout) about a year and a half ago, but we were able to still keep a guarantee (minimum amount of pay, due to no benefits) and our gas card. Well, we got our gas card taken away in September last year and in November, they pulled our guarantee. Now I am on commission only. We were supposed to get paid on the 5th, which was this past Saturday. But, no check. I hope we are getting our checks today.
What I am finding is...I really dislike my job. My heart is not in it. It's getting harder and harder to wake up each morning to a job you dislike, and as time passes, that dislike grows and grows. What do I think I want to do? I have started writing, which I do enjoy! But, writing right now is not going to pay my bills.
I am worried if I made enough last month to cover my bills this month and am considering a second job at Starbucks or waitressing. The latter, I really don't want to do. At the same time, I am kinda thinking, maybe I should just find a 9-5p job without stress that will cover my bills and I can write at night and on the weekends?
And...I have looked at other jobs but I have a Masters in Business, which in this job market seems to be the kiss of death. I am "overqualified" for a lot of things, and "underqualified" for others because I don't have a particular, specific experience. I just don't get it....and I used to recruit. We always hired for competency and did well, even if the background of an individual was a bit varied. That apparently is not happening today.
The other glitch...I work for family and have already raided most of my 401k because I was not getting my paychecks on time. Feeling the stress...Am I going to be able to pay bills? Am I going to have to use the last of my 401k? Should I just bail and start looking for a non-stressful job in the mean time? Can I can do a traditional job again since it's been almost 6 years since I reported to an office each day? Not sure what to do, but know it needs to be something.
The one plus here...I haven't eaten my stress this morning! I wanted to, but realized it wasn't food I wanted, it was stress relief. Thanks for listening...
Sunday, December 30, 2012
"The past should be the past. It can destroy the future. Live life for what tomorrow has to offer, not for what yesterday has taken away."
"Every time you subtract NEGATIVE from your life, you make room for more POSITIVE."
"The PAST is where you learned the lesson. The FUTURE is where you apply the lesson."
This year, my New Years Resolution is going to be simple...it's going to be to treat myself with respect, love and care. That's it!
It is simple, but it does encompass a lot...I think that the quotes above have impacted me this year, which is why I wanted to include them in this blog post. I have often lived in the past, which has affected my present and future. It has also dictated how I see myself, how I treat myself and how I think others me. I think it is time to change that. I want to teach myself that my past is not indicative of my present or future, but rather something from which to learn from.
So...some things that I want to accomplish this year is to....
...stop my negative self talk, increase positive self talk
...not speak ill of others, even if they have hurt me, but seek the lesson in the situation and grow from it
...I do not do this often, but I do not want to repeat gossip, as this always seems to cultivate negative talk, even if it is celebrity driven. There are more important things in life...
...allow others to vent without trying to "fix" a situation...sometimes we just need to be heard and I cannot fix everything or everyone, even though my nature is to try to help...I need to learn that listening is helpful too!
...treat my body with respect by giving her the things she needs like nutritious food, water and plenty of exercise
...refer to my body as "she" because "she" is a living thing that needs to be cared for and not ignored...ignoring or overlooking myself for others is what got me here to begin with
...do not put everyone else first and myself last...realize my importance as a person, soul and body...I need attention and love too and that needs to come from me first
....surround myself with people who are positive influences and begin to move away from those who tend to tear me down, even if that means family
... meditate and take time out each day to reflect and maintain peace within myself
...be gracious for that which I do have and not focus on my struggles, as my struggles will be conquered much easier with a positive, optimistic attitude and appreciation for the things which I do have, rather than the things I lack
...increase my spirituality to become more in-tune with my mind, body and soul
...do what I can to help others, as long as it is not at the expense of me
I think this is going to be one of the most difficult New Years Resolutions I have taken on....but it will also be the most rewarding for the rest of my life!
Happy New Years, friends!
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