Monday, January 14, 2013
I recently read a short story about an elephant that wanted to be a butterfly. The basic story was that everyone told the elephant that he could never be a butterfly because he was an elephant. He believed everyone for a while, but one day decided he wasn't going to listen to what everyone else was saying. He decided that he was going to do what he wanted to do...So, he found a way to become a butterfly!
I have been thinking about this story for the last two weeks or so. I think it mirrors my life quite a bit. The little twist in my story is that I listen to what people say I "should" do instead of what I want to do. I think it parallels the elephants story quite a bit and I think I have finally decided that I want to change my life and be a butterfly too! A financially secure butterfly, but a butterfly nonetheless.
I know in my life, I have often trusted the opinions of my close friends and family so much so, that I tend to discount my own thoughts. What I need to realize is, this is MY life and no one else is going to put in the work for the decisions I make but ME. So, it's fine to hear others out, but I need to learn to truly begin trusting my intuition and knowing that its going to be okay, because my intuition IS trustworthy. I know what is best for me more so than anyone else...not only because they haven't walked in my shoes, but they haven't been in my head or loved with my heart. They haven't been hurt by the same words or been taken advantage of by the same people. They may feel that they really know me and they know what's best, but ultimately...the only one who really knows that is me.
I know this is a little off topic for a WL blog, but I think I am finally starting to understand how everything in my life is correlated. I am unhappy in my job, but I stayed because I work for family. The unhappiness made me turn to food to cope, which I felt horrible about myself for and therefore didn't want to go to the gym. Also, because my job is not great and getting paid has been problematic, I have not been able to go out with friends because I don't have the money. So, it is making me feel more isolated, churning the cycle of coping with food and lack of exercise. I get it now, its all intertwined.
These last few weeks, I have not turned to food. This is a huge step for me. But, what needs to happen now, is I need to find a job that will allow me to be financially stable again AND will make me feel good about myself so that I am not falling back into that old pattern.
Sometimes I wish WL wasn't so difficult and so emotional. But I also know that if I don't finally learn how to cope without food, I will never be at a healthy weight or be able to maintain it. It's time for this elephant to grow some wings and become the butterfly she knows she is!
Have a great week, friends!
Monday, January 07, 2013
I am a medical sales rep for an independent company, with no benefits at all. I have had ups and downs with work, especially over the last two years. We lost a major line (due to a buyout) about a year and a half ago, but we were able to still keep a guarantee (minimum amount of pay, due to no benefits) and our gas card. Well, we got our gas card taken away in September last year and in November, they pulled our guarantee. Now I am on commission only. We were supposed to get paid on the 5th, which was this past Saturday. But, no check. I hope we are getting our checks today.
What I am finding is...I really dislike my job. My heart is not in it. It's getting harder and harder to wake up each morning to a job you dislike, and as time passes, that dislike grows and grows. What do I think I want to do? I have started writing, which I do enjoy! But, writing right now is not going to pay my bills.
I am worried if I made enough last month to cover my bills this month and am considering a second job at Starbucks or waitressing. The latter, I really don't want to do. At the same time, I am kinda thinking, maybe I should just find a 9-5p job without stress that will cover my bills and I can write at night and on the weekends?
And...I have looked at other jobs but I have a Masters in Business, which in this job market seems to be the kiss of death. I am "overqualified" for a lot of things, and "underqualified" for others because I don't have a particular, specific experience. I just don't get it....and I used to recruit. We always hired for competency and did well, even if the background of an individual was a bit varied. That apparently is not happening today.
The other glitch...I work for family and have already raided most of my 401k because I was not getting my paychecks on time. Feeling the stress...Am I going to be able to pay bills? Am I going to have to use the last of my 401k? Should I just bail and start looking for a non-stressful job in the mean time? Can I can do a traditional job again since it's been almost 6 years since I reported to an office each day? Not sure what to do, but know it needs to be something.
The one plus here...I haven't eaten my stress this morning! I wanted to, but realized it wasn't food I wanted, it was stress relief. Thanks for listening...
Sunday, December 30, 2012
"The past should be the past. It can destroy the future. Live life for what tomorrow has to offer, not for what yesterday has taken away."
"Every time you subtract NEGATIVE from your life, you make room for more POSITIVE."
"The PAST is where you learned the lesson. The FUTURE is where you apply the lesson."
This year, my New Years Resolution is going to be simple...it's going to be to treat myself with respect, love and care. That's it!
It is simple, but it does encompass a lot...I think that the quotes above have impacted me this year, which is why I wanted to include them in this blog post. I have often lived in the past, which has affected my present and future. It has also dictated how I see myself, how I treat myself and how I think others me. I think it is time to change that. I want to teach myself that my past is not indicative of my present or future, but rather something from which to learn from.
So...some things that I want to accomplish this year is to....
...stop my negative self talk, increase positive self talk
...not speak ill of others, even if they have hurt me, but seek the lesson in the situation and grow from it
...I do not do this often, but I do not want to repeat gossip, as this always seems to cultivate negative talk, even if it is celebrity driven. There are more important things in life...
...allow others to vent without trying to "fix" a situation...sometimes we just need to be heard and I cannot fix everything or everyone, even though my nature is to try to help...I need to learn that listening is helpful too!
...treat my body with respect by giving her the things she needs like nutritious food, water and plenty of exercise
...refer to my body as "she" because "she" is a living thing that needs to be cared for and not ignored...ignoring or overlooking myself for others is what got me here to begin with
...do not put everyone else first and myself last...realize my importance as a person, soul and body...I need attention and love too and that needs to come from me first
....surround myself with people who are positive influences and begin to move away from those who tend to tear me down, even if that means family
... meditate and take time out each day to reflect and maintain peace within myself
...be gracious for that which I do have and not focus on my struggles, as my struggles will be conquered much easier with a positive, optimistic attitude and appreciation for the things which I do have, rather than the things I lack
...increase my spirituality to become more in-tune with my mind, body and soul
...do what I can to help others, as long as it is not at the expense of me
I think this is going to be one of the most difficult New Years Resolutions I have taken on....but it will also be the most rewarding for the rest of my life!
Happy New Years, friends!
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Well...it has been an interesting week to say the least. I have to go to WW to weigh in tomorrow, as I missed last week. My friend who is British, but has been living in Australia has come to visit. She asked if she could stay with me while here and I said yes. Again, still learning how to say No.
We have gone all over since Friday...Solvang, Hearst Castle, San Francisco, Alcatraz, Hollywood, Disneyland (I opted out here due to work, but drove her to and fro), San Diego yesterday, Warner Bros Tour this morning and dropped her at Universal Studios this afternoon. I am working still too, and am beat!
However, I think I was able to maintain and even lose during all of this! A victory in an of itself! I got on the scale this morning and it was showing I was about a pound down. We will see tomorrow or Saturday! Something interesting happened though...
As she was ordering all of this decadent, fat full food...I was watching and was somewhat turned off by it. Also, I have noticed that she has slept in the car, pretty much every trip and is always tired. I think it is a direct link to the foods she is fueling her body with and the exercise we are doing. It is just wiping her out. Now, I am not saying anything at all to her, it is her body, her money and her choices. But, in her, I have seen myself.
She lives a lot via computer and mobile phone, watches TV quite a bit and even though she has traveled the world, she seems to care more about the lives of celebrities than her own life, which I have learned is somewhat mundane. The reason I am mentioning this is not to throw her under the bus, but because I can see it is what I am doing (in a way) with my life.
That is NOT the life I want.
I don't want the highlight of my day to be found at the end of a fork. I don't want my life to be exciting because of pictures I post on FB. I don't want to be laid out for a nap because I cannot make good healthy decisions on what to fuel my body with. This trip has been very interesting and eye opening for me. There is still so much more I want to do with my life and that cannot be accomplished without a healthy body, healthy mind and positive attitude. I will not find any of these in a bowl of ice cream or a jar of cookies. It just isn't there.
Sunday, December 09, 2012
If you have been following me, you know that I tend to "forget" to blog when I am not doing something I should be doing. It is a silly pattern of mine, and yes, it is childish. I don't mean to, but I am trying to work on it. Which...is why I am posting today.
Day 4 was Thursday....Thursday I was emotional. Unhappy again back at my old job and on commission only now, so stressed about finances. What did I do? I had good intentions and put gym clothes on in the morning...Well, I ended up buying Creme Wafers (they are those wafer cookies that come in strawberry, vanilla and chocolate - yup, pure sugar) and eating 5.5 servings of the 9 servings in the package. Believe me, I was sad to do it, but I tracked every crumb/point that went into my mouth that day. After I did this, I didn't feel great and then had a waxy feeling on the roof of my mouth. Thank you creme filling. I tried to get back on track immediately, but because I had already spent 32 points on cookies, my day was shot. I did have a salad with lite dressing for dinner, so I didn't go totally crazy.
Enter Friday morning. Yup, the rest of the cookies were my breakfast. And, I was kind of a bum the rest of the day and did nothing (no activity). If you looked at my ActiveLink, you would have thought I was dead or sleeping. Total flat lined. But, I did count all my points and because of the cookies, I was at -24 for the week with my WPA. I really don't like seeing red in my tracker. It was inevitable that I would gain Saturday morning, not only because of the overage in points and the sedentary week (really, ActiveLink puts this right out there for you to see! It is quite fascinating since I thought I was a lot more active than I actually am. Chalk that up to "Duh," Kristi) but also because those cookies had a ton of SODIUM! I'm a bloater! I usually don't eat a lot of sodium (like popcorn, etc) two days before my WI's cause I know my body. Bloat.
Saturday...I went to my meeting and made myself get on that scale. "I" put those cookies in my mouth...time to step on that scale and acknowledge the results of my actions. Yup, up 1.6lbs. In looking at my WI's for 2012, I have been up and down the same 10 pounds since January! It's time to get off this roller coaster.
I did buy the new package of WW 360 items for two reasons.
1) The Success Book - 'cause it's obvious I need to have a little help since my success is not consistent nor truly success if I keep gaining it back within the month
2) The New Tracker - I do track on my phone, but I noticed when I track on paper, I almost always lose. This is not always true of my online/phone tracker. There is something about writing down your points physically that makes a difference for me. Yes, I know people are different and what I am learning is we all need to do what works for US, not others. So, I realized this is what works for me.
Now...the reason I am posting this is not to publicly shame myself, but to understand for me, that this is not going to be a straight line. I made some mistakes, now I need to learn from the mistakes and work on a few things...
1) Not turning to food when I am frustrated, stressed and trying to figure out how to not go broke...in other words, emotional.
2) Not allowing myself to be a bump on a log and being a couch potato
3) Writing down my food choices on a physical tracker rather than the online tracker
It is also important to recognize the things I did well, or better than before...
1) Tracker, even if the points went over, I tracked
2) WI - even though I know the scale was going to go up, I got on it
3) Got back on track right after my slip-ups, rather than taking it to binge-town
My New Years Resolution for 2013 is to learn from my mistakes and better myself by making small changes everyday.
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