Thursday, January 31, 2013
I had a really strange dream last night. I dreamt that I was at what seemed like a zoo. We were looking through the glass into a animal habitat with lots of water and these wooden structures with four sides and minimal wood. Looking up, I saw that there were people there, hanging on for dear life onto these wooden structures. They looked very frightened. I looked down below the water level, through the glass, to see large alligators! Tons of them! I saw the gators circling the wooden structures. In the blink of an eye, I found myself on one of the structures, fending off an alligators snap of his jaw. I was definately in fear, these gators were not only vicious, but they were huge too! They could overpower me in a moment!
I looked up alligators in my dream dictionary (I have a lot of strange dreams) and it had to do with deception and lies. But, I also looked up fear. Here is what it had to say about that...
This makes total sense to me. Right now in my life, I am struggling in finding a new job. I think part of the reason is that I don't know what I want to do with my life. Since I was young, I have always done things to please other people and "earn" praise, which fed my self-esteem. As you may have figured, my self-esteem became reliant on others words and I am now trying to change that. But, in being a people pleaser, I also surpressed the things I wanted in life. I don't remember ever saying when I was little that "I wanted to be a ___ when I grow up." I don't remember what that was or is. And now, I think my passions have been so far pushed down that I don't know which way is up anymore.
I had a second dream last night too...I went to a bar for a friends birthday. I didn't expect to see anyone else, but I did see someone from grad school and his wife. The two groups didn't know each other, but when I came back from the bar, I saw that they were all hanging out. I just felt really out of place and disconnected from the whole thing. I decided to say my goodbyes and head home.
I walked outside and it was daytime. There was a large, beautiful park to my left and lots of people walking around. The park had tons of cars and people were parallel parked wherever they could find a space. I was walking to may car and I see a red jeep try to pull out of a really tight space. It pushes the car in front of it about a foot, then backs up. Then just starts crashing into the car behind and in front of it to get out. I looked inside the jeep and there was a little boy crying. I felt so bad and saw that they jeep stopped. I helped the little boy out of the car and carried him to the park side of the road. I don't know what happened next, but right before I woke up, I knew I wasn't at the park anymore but heard the word "her" over and over again. It was almost robotic or like one of those pre-recorded messages you get on your home phone.
I am not sure what to make of the second dream, but I felt really out of sorts when I woke up. I realized that it was the same feeling I am having in my waking life as well.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
So...this was me today!
I have been reading this blog by Katie called Runs for Cookies. She was the one who started the 10 person relay with people who have lost 100lbs or more and even included Ada from BL. Today was her birthday. She decided to do a virtual 5k and anyone could have signed up on her website. You would do the 5k on your own, around the neighborhood, at your gym, etc.
Well...I signed up a few days ago and was very excited! Last night, I slept terribly. My Fitbit showed that I really only got about an hour and a half of sleep. Needless to say, I was up most of the night...I think I had insomnia due to stress (my day job is not covering my bills each month and they keep paying us late).
Anywho...so I go to Zumba tonight and figured I would do the 5k afterwards. Well, we had a sub and he was FABULOUS! However, I was dripping at the end of the first song! He beat the heck out of us...I debated not going to do the 5k afterwards...But then...I thought, "Kristi, you always flake out on yourself. Look, you signed up for Katies 5k, you are going to follow through, even if it takes you an hour!"
So guess what? I did! I did it in 45:10, not my best time...but pretty good for being wiped out and not jogging for almost 3 months. My body hurts all over and I have my WI tomorrow morning. I am hoping that I don't gain because of water retention in my muscles. But if I do, oh well. I know I am doing my body good!
Zumba's gonna hurt in tomorrow morning's class before WI! Despite that, I'm going!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Yep...the picture about sums it up. It's exactly how I feel right now.
Just found out that one of the jobs I interviewed for last week chose to go with another candidate. I get why they did, as they had a specific background that they were searching for. It was not my background. But, it doesn't change the fact that I feel sad about it. And bummed. And...that I have to continue working in my current job, which is just unstable in every possible way.
I know that I shouldn't be discouraged. I know that my friends and family will tell me, "You have great experience and education, don't worry! You will find something." I understand why they say this, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I think by pushing away these feelings, it will ultimately just push me to food. I know I have to feel this, acknowledge it and learn from it. But, it does really suck.
And, I have been looking for about 2 years now, more actively in the last six months, but nonetheless, it's been a long time. It just seems like I might never get out of here unless I agree to much lower pay, which I know financially I cannot do.
Why is looking for a new job so difficult and emotional? Frustrating too. I will get out of this funk, but the wound is only about 15 minutes old...
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
The two words above are always followed by the third word (chocolate) in my brain. It's been my go-to for the last 34 years.
However, I am happy to say, I have not ate these feelings. Though, it has been super trying! Not having that in my house has helped a lot.
I am stressed about my job, not knowing what is happening with the two interviews I had last week, yet still trying to balance the jobs I have now. Overwhelmed by money, or rather lack thereof. I have to say....I really do hate money. It makes people crazy, both when they have it and when they don't. If I ever do become wealthy, I want to still live like a regular person. I think based on my experience, I would be afraid to spend it for fear that I would find myself broke like I am today.
This feeling of overwhelm and stress is horrible. I don't like emotions to begin with, yes, I can be a clam. But, this makes me feel like I don't have control over my own body and I don't like that feeling. When I get out of this next meeting, I am putting on gym clothes and going to the gym. I need to burn off this feeling and if I have to do it through sweat, so be it!
Ahhh! Thanks for the vent! I feel a little better!
Monday, January 14, 2013
I recently read a short story about an elephant that wanted to be a butterfly. The basic story was that everyone told the elephant that he could never be a butterfly because he was an elephant. He believed everyone for a while, but one day decided he wasn't going to listen to what everyone else was saying. He decided that he was going to do what he wanted to do...So, he found a way to become a butterfly!
I have been thinking about this story for the last two weeks or so. I think it mirrors my life quite a bit. The little twist in my story is that I listen to what people say I "should" do instead of what I want to do. I think it parallels the elephants story quite a bit and I think I have finally decided that I want to change my life and be a butterfly too! A financially secure butterfly, but a butterfly nonetheless.
I know in my life, I have often trusted the opinions of my close friends and family so much so, that I tend to discount my own thoughts. What I need to realize is, this is MY life and no one else is going to put in the work for the decisions I make but ME. So, it's fine to hear others out, but I need to learn to truly begin trusting my intuition and knowing that its going to be okay, because my intuition IS trustworthy. I know what is best for me more so than anyone else...not only because they haven't walked in my shoes, but they haven't been in my head or loved with my heart. They haven't been hurt by the same words or been taken advantage of by the same people. They may feel that they really know me and they know what's best, but ultimately...the only one who really knows that is me.
I know this is a little off topic for a WL blog, but I think I am finally starting to understand how everything in my life is correlated. I am unhappy in my job, but I stayed because I work for family. The unhappiness made me turn to food to cope, which I felt horrible about myself for and therefore didn't want to go to the gym. Also, because my job is not great and getting paid has been problematic, I have not been able to go out with friends because I don't have the money. So, it is making me feel more isolated, churning the cycle of coping with food and lack of exercise. I get it now, its all intertwined.
These last few weeks, I have not turned to food. This is a huge step for me. But, what needs to happen now, is I need to find a job that will allow me to be financially stable again AND will make me feel good about myself so that I am not falling back into that old pattern.
Sometimes I wish WL wasn't so difficult and so emotional. But I also know that if I don't finally learn how to cope without food, I will never be at a healthy weight or be able to maintain it. It's time for this elephant to grow some wings and become the butterfly she knows she is!
Have a great week, friends!
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