Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I guess it's not surprise...I am a big girl. I never saw myself like that though, until recently. I still thought that even though I was carrying weight, I was still not "that" big...whatever "that" means. I think it was just a way for me to accept myself. By telling myself this little lie, I somehow made it okay. Not good, just okay.
Anywho...of the men I have dated in my past, ironically, none of them have been overweight nor have they been the type of guys that dated larger women in their past...and yes, maybe this was also feeding into the little lie I have told myself all of these years. So...Saturday comes along. I threw my friend her Bachelorette and through all the hub bub, this guy comes up to me trying to talk to me. Well, I was focused on trying to make sure our 9 girls in our party stayed on the Club Crawl, that was my first priority. I wasn't even thinking of meeting anyone.
This guy seemed nice enough, and he reminded me a lot of Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air! (Yes, at one point he was talking and I wanted him to bust out the dance!) I was nice to him, but just kinda walked away as I had seen him talking to my friend and her sister a few moments before. I just figured he struck out and now he was trying to talk to me. Yes, that has happened to me many times, it's like the guys try first string, second string and I was always third string. Anyways, he tried to find me at the next club, but I was searching for the bride who ran off with some guy and missed the club. He found me again at the third club and I thought, maybe I am just being too judgemental. I gave him my number...and thought I will see where it goes.
I end up talking to him for over an hour on Sunday...come to find out, he attends these BBW events. For those of you who don't know...that stands for Big, Beautiful Women. I have only seen one of these events (from afar) once before and many of the women were on the larger side (300+) and...I think that it's great that they have these events. I also think that's why he was attracted to me. I think that's when my own lie to myself just hit me smack in the face! I am not thin....I am not just carrying an extra 20 or 30 pounds...I am the girl that's made fun of in movies....I am a full-fledged big girl! It hurt me a little to realize and recognize this, it just hurt because I think Truth hurts sometimes.
On the other hand....I also realized something else. Although this guy was overly nice, I knew after talking to him for about 15 minutes, that he is not right for me. And, just because I am a big girl, doesn't mean I have to accept ALL guys that pay a little attention to me. Despite my weight, I am smart, I am kind, I am funny and I love my friends and family deeply. Despite my weight, I still need to be selective in who I let into my heart and not slip into the pitfall thinking that no one better is going to come along.
And...I know, even though it is shallow, I know that men see my weight first when they meet me. It doesn't make it right, but it is how it is. When I start treating MYSELF with more love and respect and start losing this weight....I know that I will have even more opportunity to meet a man that I am attracted to, that I find smart and funny and that will respect and love me as well. And...it won't be because I settled on someone because of my weight. My weight, for once, will have no bearing on who makes my heart smile and that...that is probably the best gift a girl can give to herself.
Sunday, September 02, 2012
I have decided to come back to WW...I have had a lot of stress and unfortunately, I have allowed myself to resort to food. So, I now have a new starting weight. However, I am happy to report that I went to a meeting yesterday (my old meeting, with my old leader) and weighed in. I knew I had gained, but to be honest, the hardest thing was making myself step on that scale in front of someone else.
I understand a little more about myself by taking a break over these past few weeks. I have been under a lot of stress and I have allowed it to affect my life. I was letting life "happen to me" instead of making things happen in my life. Yes, there are some things that are not in our control, but there is a lot of things that are. I was allowing the stress of my life to take rein over everything and its not healthy for me, in both the physical and emotional sense.
I will still be tracking with SP and WW for a while, until I get a handle on what calories and points work for me. With that said, it's time to get back up and start a new!
Friday, August 24, 2012
As you may have seen, I have been MIA for about a month or so. I was still going to Weight Watchers, but was gaining and losing the same three pounds. My stress level has been through the roof because of my job and I just needed a break from tracking calories, tracking points, going to meetings, etc. etc. Also, a friend of mine was going with me to WW and she would tell me what she ate (it was usually bad, burgers, fries, chips, cheetos, etc), and she would weigh in and still she would lose. It was frustrating to me because I would try to hard, then I would have a bad day and I would gain at my weigh in.
So...I decided to stop going. It would be one less stressful thing for me to worry about. Well...I was still tracking here or on MFP and I still was going up and down. This last week, I just stopped dieting and tracking. I lost 3 pounds. However, over these last two days, I have found them, plus about 4 more pounds! I am now at the highest weight I have ever been in my life. I am also feeling terrible about myself and hating the reflection I see looking back at me in the mirror.
What it comes down to is I control what I put in my mouth. Cravings, for me, are just emotions I am trying to not feel or hide from. There is a lot of unhappiness in my life right now, but nothing is going to change unless I do.
Friday, July 27, 2012
So, last Saturday, I went to a Casting Call for Biggest Loser. It took me about a month to even decide to go, but I went. When I got there, there was a line and I had to walk down the line towards the end. While doing so, I was being eyed by everyone in the line and heard whispers here and there. It was the oddest experience. I felt that I was being sized up and judged on my weight, but it was like nothing else I had experienced in my life. I was actually told by a couple of people that I didn't need to be there, that I was too small and that they probably wouldn't pick me. I got the impression some people even thought I was thin! Healthy! At 224 pounds, that was not the case. Well....I have to give it to them. Those folks were right about one thing...Biggest Loser didn't pick me.
The whole process seemed odd to me. For the actual interview...we were brought into a room with 9 other applicants asked one question, then we answered one by one down the line. Then asked a second question, answering down the line. Then, asked to leave. I am not sure how they would honestly pick the best contestant by doing that. It's so basic and I understand that they have a lot of people to go though, but our location only had about 400 applicants. I really think they should have had a camera on us as we were answering and should have had multiple camera booths set up with questions we have to answer so they could pick the right contestants.
Beyond not being choosen and told that I am not fat "enough," I did get something valuable from this experience. Our little group we formed in the line (all of which were much nicer) was able to speak with Mike from last season who won the at-home prize. He lost 160 pounds, he was also voted off the 2nd week of the show. He did most of this on his own. He said a couple of things that really reasonated with me...
* Someone asked him if he was "getting used to the food." - He said that he would usually eat pretty healthy food before, but would binge on burgers, pizza, burritos, etc. (Yup,that's me).
* He also mentioned that TV was a big contributor to his weight (this is my story too! You all have read about my posts with the TV/eating trouble).
* He also said he does go to the gym, but that its better to exercise outside in the elements. He said that we are from nature so we should be exercising out in nature. This seems to make a huge amount of sense to me, just on a personal level. Plus, I would much rather be outside than in a stuffy gym...but I have some weird thing that I don't think I worked out unless I went to a gym. I need to change that thinking.
I am really glad that I went to the casting call. Not because of the show at all...I think the insights that Mike was able to communicate to us were invaluable. I have been thinking about it all week. I appreciated his honesty and sincerity.
Now...here is the weird thing. While in line, I also heard some amazing things. When Mike was telling people about his success and struggles, there were some people who were actually giving him excuses on why that didn't work for them. Then I continued to hear these irrational explanations (really excuses again) as to why they were as heavy as they were. It was the strangest thing. At the same time, I think I heard myself in some of those excuses and just realized how utterly ridiculous it sounds! Wow, isn't amazing when the universe holds a mirror to your face and calls the kettle black? I get it now.
We are the only ones that can change our lives. Not a show. Not a famous trainer. Not special food. Not surgery. Not a wish. And certainly not excuses. We are the only ones in control of our destiny, of our lives and of our bodies. If we want to be thin, we can be. We just have to make different choices.
That is not always easy, but guess what?
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
I have told myself this time and time again...And, when faced with stress, I just fall back onto old habits. This past week, I was just so tired...Tired of tracking, tired of going up and down the same five to ten pounds, tired of looking for a job and being rejected because I am over/under qualified....just tired.
I let myself go 3, just THREE days, without tracking. You know what? I can do a lot of damage in 3 days, to the tune of 7.1 pounds! And guess what? It didn't make me feel any better. I actually felt worse. Now, for those of you who have been following this blog, you know that I tend to do this from time to time. You may have realized it, but I am just now understanding it.
My coping mechanism is food. I have learned this from childhood. But, duh Kristi! It doesn't work. And, the stupid thing is that I KNOW this already. Yet, I keep doing. What is it that Einstein said..."The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results." Yup, that about sums me up.
I know weight loss is a CHOICE. Weight loss isn't even about your body...it's about your BRAIN! There are a lot of mental records playing in my head and most of them must be sung by Milli Vanilli, because they aren't true! Seriously though, the most challenging thing about weight loss is getting your head straight. It's where everything starts and ends with. It's funny because a lot of so called diet plans don't tell you that. If food is my emotional crutch, I am going to need to find a new crutch because this one is truly harming myself. I know that. The action of changing it is what is challenging me.
I will not let this set back defeat me. I am back on track, in fact I just weighed myself and I have already lost 2.8 of the 7.1 pounds gained. Weight loss truly is a journey...it's about learning about yourself, questioning the "soundtracks" that run through your mind and changing the thinking that is harmful and negative towards yourself. It is definitely not a straight line and I think that anyone that thinks it is, never really had a true weight problem in the first place. I am a lifelong dieter and trying to teach myself a new way of life...I think there are a lot of us out there who have been trying to lose weight for years.
Some conclusions I have come to...
I will always battle with my brain when it comes to food and weight; and will encourage the positive thoughts rather than the negative ones.
I will always want food that's not good for me, but will learn a healthy way to eat that works for me instead.
I will always know how hard it is to be fat, even when I reach my goal; it has become a part of who I am.
I will always relate to people who have struggled with their weight more than those who have not.
I will always TRY...whether it's weight loss or a new job...and will get back up one more time than I fall.
I will always promise to love myself despite negative things others may say, even if it comes from family members.
I will always remember that this is a journey and the only one who can change the direction or destination is ME. I am in control. This is my life. I have the power to change it. I have the power to be the person I had always hoped I would become. It is me and me alone that can change this mediocre life into a FANTASTIC one!
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