Tuesday, July 17, 2012
I have told myself this time and time again...And, when faced with stress, I just fall back onto old habits. This past week, I was just so tired...Tired of tracking, tired of going up and down the same five to ten pounds, tired of looking for a job and being rejected because I am over/under qualified....just tired.
I let myself go 3, just THREE days, without tracking. You know what? I can do a lot of damage in 3 days, to the tune of 7.1 pounds! And guess what? It didn't make me feel any better. I actually felt worse. Now, for those of you who have been following this blog, you know that I tend to do this from time to time. You may have realized it, but I am just now understanding it.
My coping mechanism is food. I have learned this from childhood. But, duh Kristi! It doesn't work. And, the stupid thing is that I KNOW this already. Yet, I keep doing. What is it that Einstein said..."The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results." Yup, that about sums me up.
I know weight loss is a CHOICE. Weight loss isn't even about your body...it's about your BRAIN! There are a lot of mental records playing in my head and most of them must be sung by Milli Vanilli, because they aren't true! Seriously though, the most challenging thing about weight loss is getting your head straight. It's where everything starts and ends with. It's funny because a lot of so called diet plans don't tell you that. If food is my emotional crutch, I am going to need to find a new crutch because this one is truly harming myself. I know that. The action of changing it is what is challenging me.
I will not let this set back defeat me. I am back on track, in fact I just weighed myself and I have already lost 2.8 of the 7.1 pounds gained. Weight loss truly is a journey...it's about learning about yourself, questioning the "soundtracks" that run through your mind and changing the thinking that is harmful and negative towards yourself. It is definitely not a straight line and I think that anyone that thinks it is, never really had a true weight problem in the first place. I am a lifelong dieter and trying to teach myself a new way of life...I think there are a lot of us out there who have been trying to lose weight for years.
Some conclusions I have come to...
I will always battle with my brain when it comes to food and weight; and will encourage the positive thoughts rather than the negative ones.
I will always want food that's not good for me, but will learn a healthy way to eat that works for me instead.
I will always know how hard it is to be fat, even when I reach my goal; it has become a part of who I am.
I will always relate to people who have struggled with their weight more than those who have not.
I will always TRY...whether it's weight loss or a new job...and will get back up one more time than I fall.
I will always promise to love myself despite negative things others may say, even if it comes from family members.
I will always remember that this is a journey and the only one who can change the direction or destination is ME. I am in control. This is my life. I have the power to change it. I have the power to be the person I had always hoped I would become. It is me and me alone that can change this mediocre life into a FANTASTIC one!
Sunday, July 01, 2012
So, I live in Hollywood. There are a lot of crazy people here. A friend of mine came over and we walked over to the theater. On the way back, we met a bouncer and he told my friend, that if she was wearing heels, he would get her in free. Then he looked at me and said, "You have to look like that. Sorry. Don't hate." He pointed to a tall, thin blonde in spandex. I just looked at him at didn't say anything, ignored the comment.
It is said that we should not judge a book by its cover, but in reality, we all do it each and every day. For some reason this time, I was not offended by this comment. If you would have said this to me three months ago, I would have probably been in tears. I think there is something to coming to terms with the person you are on the outside. I realized that I am a really big girl. Now, I know that's not a shocker! LOL!
I guess what I realized is that "I" did this to myself. I ate those calories that made me this weight. My emotional crutch is on my body for everyone to see. It's funny because a lot of times people gain weight to be hidden or unnoticed for various reasons. But when you think about it, it kinda does the opposite. Being heavy most of my life, I know how it feels to walk into a room and see if I am the biggest one there. I know how it feels to feel hot and sweaty when everyone else is fine. I know how it feels to have guys hit on your friends or come over to talk to you so they can get your friends name. I know how it feels to be the fat girl.
Guess what? I don't want to be the fat girl anymore. Been there, done that and its time to be the healthy, fit girl! I don't know what it feels like to walk in a room where I am one of the smaller people. I don't know what it feels like to walk into a regular store and be able to fit into anything I try on. I don't know what it feels like to have a guy talk to my friends to find out about me...well that last part is not entirely true. Let me correct that...I don't know what it feels like to have a handsome, normal guy talk to my friends to find out about me. There is so much in life that I am passing by.
I think the biggest takeaway for me tonight is "I am that which I made." As Nike would say...I want to be proud of myself on the outside, comfortable with my body so I don't feel so self-conscious and confident about my body, not ashamed.
Now, it's time to start "Making myself Proud."
Monday, June 25, 2012
I have been thinking a lot...there is a weird connection between my unhappiness with my job and my overeating. I am not happy in my job, my brain wants to eat. I have let it, then I reign back, then I let it...and it goes on and on. What the real problem is here, is not food. It's that I am in a job I don't like and even though I am very good at it, I don't get anything but criticism from my boss...who also happens to be my godfather. Go figure. So, I think not only am I getting negative feedback from my boss, but also my godfather. It is a double whammy. The problem I think is arising because my godbrother now works with us and I think my boss is (unfairly) comparing the two of us. Because I am receiving kudos and accolades from the companies we work for, he is getting angry because no one is saying good things about his son. But, in all fairness, his son is not really working.
So...what is the solution for me. Regardless of all the details, what it comes down to is that I am not happy in this role. I need to find something new. I am interviewing. But, I had someone say something to me that just smacked me in the face. He said, "Well, it's not a matter of if you can do this [job], its a matter of if you WANT to do this job." I think he is right. It's time for me, for ONCE, to do what I want to do...not what I "should" do or what others want me to do.
I just applied for a job that I really want, the pay may be an issue. But, I think even if I have to apply for a second job as a Target Manager, I will do it. I think in the end, even though it's more work, it will make me so much happier! And guess what? That made me happy! And, I didn't eat!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
According to Merriam Webster, the definition of Addict is "to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively." I have done this all my life. Yesterday, I did so good all day, and got home...and just lost my self-control.
I had an interview in the morning, and I don't think I did as well as I had hoped. I think me thinking about this all day is what built up the anxiety. I ate way too much and most of it in a short time span. I had 2649 calories yesterday, yes I tracked them all! I have used up all of my Weekly Points Allowance last night, so we are talking 49pts here...and I felt horrible after. I think this is only the second time I have ever made myself physically sick from eating.
I woke up feeling horrible, my stomach in knots. It felt like I had to use the bathroom and vomit at the same time. (TMI, I know). But I just want to write this right now, to remember how horrible I made myself feel.
This is not a healthy way to live. I need to learn how to handle my emotions...I feel myself falling back into a little depression again. The two things that were positive from yesterday was 1) I tracked everything 2) I went to Zumba. When I got on the scale this morning, I was up one pound. It's time to get off this roller coaster and stop hurting myself with food. It's not good for me, it's not good for those around me and it's definately not healthy for my poor body that I am forcing to go through all of this self-inflicted pain.
Today, I am promising MYSELF, I will no longer abuse my body. I will no longer eat because I feel bad, good, sad, etc about something. I will use my VOICE to make these feelings heard, by calling friends, blogging, writing in a journal or just writing, even if it is on an App on my phone!
This is the EXACT reason I weigh 220 pounds...I am going to change my life and change my habits. I will always be a food addict, but I will learn to control my addiction one day at a time!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
I have been doing good, then I will have a bad day. Last week was kinda ify, but I lost 2.2. This week is not looking as good. I am frustrated with myself because I know what I need to do, but I am afraid or something....I am not sure what it is.
I am finding myself mentally giving permission, after a 10 minute argument in my head, to eat things I don't even want. I know a lot of it is because I am unhappy with my job. However, I need to find another way to deal with this frustration. I was going to the gym, but my schedule has been so crazy, not getting home until after midnight sometimes.
I think, what it ultimately comes down to is...am I worth this effort? Yes. I know that is the answer, I now need my actions to follow suit. I know what I need to do, but I guess what I am learning is that old habits are hard to break. Change is not easy and I think this might be my brains way of throwing a temper tantrum. Well, it can throw a fit all it wants, but my heart has to live in this body too! I don't feel comfortable anymore, I am embarassed and feel very unattractive.
I am the only one who can change my life. So let's go brain and heart, you need to be friends for once and all! No more fighting!
Suck it up so we don't have to suck it in anymore! Umph!
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