Sunday, July 01, 2012
So, I live in Hollywood. There are a lot of crazy people here. A friend of mine came over and we walked over to the theater. On the way back, we met a bouncer and he told my friend, that if she was wearing heels, he would get her in free. Then he looked at me and said, "You have to look like that. Sorry. Don't hate." He pointed to a tall, thin blonde in spandex. I just looked at him at didn't say anything, ignored the comment.
It is said that we should not judge a book by its cover, but in reality, we all do it each and every day. For some reason this time, I was not offended by this comment. If you would have said this to me three months ago, I would have probably been in tears. I think there is something to coming to terms with the person you are on the outside. I realized that I am a really big girl. Now, I know that's not a shocker! LOL!
I guess what I realized is that "I" did this to myself. I ate those calories that made me this weight. My emotional crutch is on my body for everyone to see. It's funny because a lot of times people gain weight to be hidden or unnoticed for various reasons. But when you think about it, it kinda does the opposite. Being heavy most of my life, I know how it feels to walk into a room and see if I am the biggest one there. I know how it feels to feel hot and sweaty when everyone else is fine. I know how it feels to have guys hit on your friends or come over to talk to you so they can get your friends name. I know how it feels to be the fat girl.
Guess what? I don't want to be the fat girl anymore. Been there, done that and its time to be the healthy, fit girl! I don't know what it feels like to walk in a room where I am one of the smaller people. I don't know what it feels like to walk into a regular store and be able to fit into anything I try on. I don't know what it feels like to have a guy talk to my friends to find out about me...well that last part is not entirely true. Let me correct that...I don't know what it feels like to have a handsome, normal guy talk to my friends to find out about me. There is so much in life that I am passing by.
I think the biggest takeaway for me tonight is "I am that which I made." As Nike would say...I want to be proud of myself on the outside, comfortable with my body so I don't feel so self-conscious and confident about my body, not ashamed.
Now, it's time to start "Making myself Proud."
Monday, June 25, 2012
I have been thinking a lot...there is a weird connection between my unhappiness with my job and my overeating. I am not happy in my job, my brain wants to eat. I have let it, then I reign back, then I let it...and it goes on and on. What the real problem is here, is not food. It's that I am in a job I don't like and even though I am very good at it, I don't get anything but criticism from my boss...who also happens to be my godfather. Go figure. So, I think not only am I getting negative feedback from my boss, but also my godfather. It is a double whammy. The problem I think is arising because my godbrother now works with us and I think my boss is (unfairly) comparing the two of us. Because I am receiving kudos and accolades from the companies we work for, he is getting angry because no one is saying good things about his son. But, in all fairness, his son is not really working.
So...what is the solution for me. Regardless of all the details, what it comes down to is that I am not happy in this role. I need to find something new. I am interviewing. But, I had someone say something to me that just smacked me in the face. He said, "Well, it's not a matter of if you can do this [job], its a matter of if you WANT to do this job." I think he is right. It's time for me, for ONCE, to do what I want to do...not what I "should" do or what others want me to do.
I just applied for a job that I really want, the pay may be an issue. But, I think even if I have to apply for a second job as a Target Manager, I will do it. I think in the end, even though it's more work, it will make me so much happier! And guess what? That made me happy! And, I didn't eat!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
According to Merriam Webster, the definition of Addict is "to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively." I have done this all my life. Yesterday, I did so good all day, and got home...and just lost my self-control.
I had an interview in the morning, and I don't think I did as well as I had hoped. I think me thinking about this all day is what built up the anxiety. I ate way too much and most of it in a short time span. I had 2649 calories yesterday, yes I tracked them all! I have used up all of my Weekly Points Allowance last night, so we are talking 49pts here...and I felt horrible after. I think this is only the second time I have ever made myself physically sick from eating.
I woke up feeling horrible, my stomach in knots. It felt like I had to use the bathroom and vomit at the same time. (TMI, I know). But I just want to write this right now, to remember how horrible I made myself feel.
This is not a healthy way to live. I need to learn how to handle my emotions...I feel myself falling back into a little depression again. The two things that were positive from yesterday was 1) I tracked everything 2) I went to Zumba. When I got on the scale this morning, I was up one pound. It's time to get off this roller coaster and stop hurting myself with food. It's not good for me, it's not good for those around me and it's definately not healthy for my poor body that I am forcing to go through all of this self-inflicted pain.
Today, I am promising MYSELF, I will no longer abuse my body. I will no longer eat because I feel bad, good, sad, etc about something. I will use my VOICE to make these feelings heard, by calling friends, blogging, writing in a journal or just writing, even if it is on an App on my phone!
This is the EXACT reason I weigh 220 pounds...I am going to change my life and change my habits. I will always be a food addict, but I will learn to control my addiction one day at a time!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
I have been doing good, then I will have a bad day. Last week was kinda ify, but I lost 2.2. This week is not looking as good. I am frustrated with myself because I know what I need to do, but I am afraid or something....I am not sure what it is.
I am finding myself mentally giving permission, after a 10 minute argument in my head, to eat things I don't even want. I know a lot of it is because I am unhappy with my job. However, I need to find another way to deal with this frustration. I was going to the gym, but my schedule has been so crazy, not getting home until after midnight sometimes.
I think, what it ultimately comes down to is...am I worth this effort? Yes. I know that is the answer, I now need my actions to follow suit. I know what I need to do, but I guess what I am learning is that old habits are hard to break. Change is not easy and I think this might be my brains way of throwing a temper tantrum. Well, it can throw a fit all it wants, but my heart has to live in this body too! I don't feel comfortable anymore, I am embarassed and feel very unattractive.
I am the only one who can change my life. So let's go brain and heart, you need to be friends for once and all! No more fighting!
Suck it up so we don't have to suck it in anymore! Umph!
Friday, June 01, 2012
Last week, I did phenomenally well! I lost 3.6, I was under my 1500 calories (and points) each and every day, except for one (which I used my WPA for). This week, it started out good and this train wreck just came through! I have had such a tough time doing this...but, I do know why.
One, is unfortunately my cravings are out of control...all I want is chocolate. I know this is a monthly occurrence for me if ya know what I mean. The other is, this week has been so stressful and emotional. I really do need to find another job and I had a really great interview, but I was under-qualified in one area and over-qualified in multiple other areas. So the thought of possibly being able to get out of this job was heaven! Then it was crushed a little...I need to learn how to deal with this constant up and down, but it's not easy.
Today...I just need to breathe. I am going to take a slow day today and work from home. I am going to the gym at 9am and then going to go home and start applying to positions like a mad woman. I need some balance in my life and this job is killing my spirit and now my body. On top of it all, I do work for family and it causes additional strains. Its time to move on for my health and my sanity!
I know now, because last week I did it, that I have to really work at this each and every day. AND...I know that I need to find other outlets for my emotional work roller coaster. Food is not the answer. I know I can do this, now...I just need to do it.
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