Friday, May 18, 2012
I have been struggling. I know its no secret at this point. And...after some really hard and stressful, emotional days and weeks, I know exactly why I am not losing. I am simply eating too much. Yes, it's healthy foods. Yes, I am avoiding fast food. Yes, I am exercising. But, none of this does any good with weight loss if you are still overeating. I am overeating.
I took every WW weight record I could find, and believe me, I found a lot! I have some dating back to 2003. I threw the weights, losses and/or gains that were in my weight trackers. Since January 5, 2003, I have lost over 131 pounds and gained over 95 pounds (on record).
Now, you might be thinking, why are you doing this? Why are you going back to this and dwelling on the past? Easy. I am trying to figure out why the heck I am still trying to lose weight!
I have noticed a few patterns...
1) If I know I am going to gain, I didn't WI. Or, I missed 2-3 weeks of meetings, then WI and gain 2-10 pounds!
2) If I lost consecutively, I would stop going to meetings and start over a few months later.
3) I don't think it was really sinking in that this is something I have to do each and every day, even AFTER I lose the weight. Losing a pound or two doesn't mean that I get to "treat" myself to food after my meeting.
I can't believe it's been that much since 2003! The funny thing is there are a lot of 0.2 or 0.8 losses, they really do add up! If I was 131 pounds lighter now, I'd weigh less than 90lbs and be anorexic! What I really need to do is get on track and try my best to stay on track. If I lose, I need to stay on-board and not go crazy with food. If I gain, I need to get back on track immediately and also figure out what I did that week that derailed my progress.
Wow! Still in shock...131! Since I started dieting in 1989, it probably means that if I lost an average of 14.5lbs a year, I have lost over 334lbs since 1989. It's time to end this roller coaster.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
As I was driving today...something hit me smack in the face. "Why don't I just do what's good for ME?!" Now...I know I have said this before, that I need to take care of me and not be worried about everyone else.
But...today, it seemed like an epiphany. It literally slapped me across the face. Why am I re-arranging my life to make everyone ELSE'S life easier? Why am I not doing what is GOOD or BEST for me? As those of you who have been following my craziness know, my job is causing me a lot of stress, problems and unhappiness. I need to move on, but I don't know where to go. I thought I should open my own business, but am having second thoughts about it now.
What is best for me? Maybe it is just to take one thing at a time and do what's best for me in the moment. I started doing that today. I went to the gym, now I am home and what I needed was to post this and get it in ink so it can soak in my brain for a little bit.
Why is it that many, many of us are overweight because we put OTHERS first and ourselves last? And...why is it so hard to change that train of thought?
I WILL get there!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
I had a rough week last week, good, but rough. Well, eating wise. I have a lot of stress on me and I guess it was more than I had anticipated. Yesterday, for the first time in a very long time, I got to the true starving point, but didn't want to eat because I knew I was going to a work lunch and would be spending calories there. Well, I now know that I should have brought an apple or something because I ate my entire plate at lunch, with the exception of a few beans, and it was Mexican food! Yes, spent a lot of calories there.
The rest of the day, I was super full. But had to stop at the Gluten Free store to pick up a few things. Well, got a free cookie and yes, ate it. My stomach wasn't feeling great. I wasn't going to eat dinner, but I have this dumb mentality that I have to eat something for dinner. Mind you, I was still full from lunch. So, I ate a small frozen gf pasta side dish. Later into the night...I started picking at an apple crisp I had bought for the rest of the week. Why? I wasn't hungry. I think I am finally realizing that this is my stress pattern. If I am stressed, I want to zone out and watch TV. Watching TV is my trigger to start eating. It's a horrible cycle, but I have realized just how tied into it I am. I need to re-train myself and unlearn this.
Last night around 1:30a, I woke up feeling miserable. I was still stuffed, and I haven't been stuffed in about 3 years. It felt horrible. Then...my brain started to register that horrible feeling, my tongue wouldn't sit down like normal and my stomach started to gurggle. A few moments later, I was on my knees with my head in the toilet, praying I hadn't ate the cookie, pasta or apple crisp. I spent the rest of the night running to and from the bathroom.
Now, I am not posting this to gross anyone out...but more for myself. I wanted to write this this morning to remember how HORRIBLE I am feeling even right now. How I don't want to eat anything. How I am afraid to eat right now because I don't want to vomit again. How this could have all been prevented. How I didn't listen to my body, but let the child in me have what she wanted. How I never want this to happen again. I'm sorry body.
My Apology to my Body
Body, I apologize for not giving you the things you really need sometimes.
I apologize for not exercising you daily.
I know we have some medical issues, but I am sorry for not making proper use of the things we have going for use. Strong legs, healthy heart and a good head on our shoulders.
I am sorry that I put you through this pain last night. I won't let it happen ever again.
I am sorry that I try and fail and try and fail, but please know I will always get back up and try again.
I am sorry that you have had to carry around an extra 80lbs when you didn't have to. I promise you that weight will come off and we will be lighter than ever!
I apologize mostly for not treating you with the respect and honor that you deserve. I promise that from today on, that will change.
Thank you for sticking with me through all these rough times, I vow to make the future much lighter and brighter!
Friday, April 13, 2012
This week, I have done better than I have in months, food wise. I had a lot of challenges, but have done well. I need to get back into the gym, but am finding that my 1/2 mile walk to my car with weirdos walking around is intimidating me...especially if the classes are late. But...I need to find a way that will work for me. I am going to look at foldable bikes this weekend! Might solve the problem easily!
The biggest realization for me is that weight loss is nothing more than a CHOICE! Yes, I know, sounds terrible. But, when I eat more than my dailies, I am CHOOSING to keep this weight. When I have double servings, I am CHOOSING to stay a size 16. Is that what I want? The answer is NO. So, I need to start making difference decisions with my eating and exercise. Yes, I have a thyroid problem we just found out about, but I can still lose some of this weight regardless of that.
Choice is wonderful and terrible at the same time. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just do a pre-packaged diet, but I have done that before and I remember the feeling of being limited, deprived and embarrassed when I couldn't eat regular food. I am not a child anymore, so I need to take responsibility for my choices and start making ones that will make me proud and show a loss on the scale!
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