Tuesday, April 24, 2012
I had a rough week last week, good, but rough. Well, eating wise. I have a lot of stress on me and I guess it was more than I had anticipated. Yesterday, for the first time in a very long time, I got to the true starving point, but didn't want to eat because I knew I was going to a work lunch and would be spending calories there. Well, I now know that I should have brought an apple or something because I ate my entire plate at lunch, with the exception of a few beans, and it was Mexican food! Yes, spent a lot of calories there.
The rest of the day, I was super full. But had to stop at the Gluten Free store to pick up a few things. Well, got a free cookie and yes, ate it. My stomach wasn't feeling great. I wasn't going to eat dinner, but I have this dumb mentality that I have to eat something for dinner. Mind you, I was still full from lunch. So, I ate a small frozen gf pasta side dish. Later into the night...I started picking at an apple crisp I had bought for the rest of the week. Why? I wasn't hungry. I think I am finally realizing that this is my stress pattern. If I am stressed, I want to zone out and watch TV. Watching TV is my trigger to start eating. It's a horrible cycle, but I have realized just how tied into it I am. I need to re-train myself and unlearn this.
Last night around 1:30a, I woke up feeling miserable. I was still stuffed, and I haven't been stuffed in about 3 years. It felt horrible. Then...my brain started to register that horrible feeling, my tongue wouldn't sit down like normal and my stomach started to gurggle. A few moments later, I was on my knees with my head in the toilet, praying I hadn't ate the cookie, pasta or apple crisp. I spent the rest of the night running to and from the bathroom.
Now, I am not posting this to gross anyone out...but more for myself. I wanted to write this this morning to remember how HORRIBLE I am feeling even right now. How I don't want to eat anything. How I am afraid to eat right now because I don't want to vomit again. How this could have all been prevented. How I didn't listen to my body, but let the child in me have what she wanted. How I never want this to happen again. I'm sorry body.
My Apology to my Body
Body, I apologize for not giving you the things you really need sometimes.
I apologize for not exercising you daily.
I know we have some medical issues, but I am sorry for not making proper use of the things we have going for use. Strong legs, healthy heart and a good head on our shoulders.
I am sorry that I put you through this pain last night. I won't let it happen ever again.
I am sorry that I try and fail and try and fail, but please know I will always get back up and try again.
I am sorry that you have had to carry around an extra 80lbs when you didn't have to. I promise you that weight will come off and we will be lighter than ever!
I apologize mostly for not treating you with the respect and honor that you deserve. I promise that from today on, that will change.
Thank you for sticking with me through all these rough times, I vow to make the future much lighter and brighter!
Friday, April 13, 2012
This week, I have done better than I have in months, food wise. I had a lot of challenges, but have done well. I need to get back into the gym, but am finding that my 1/2 mile walk to my car with weirdos walking around is intimidating me...especially if the classes are late. But...I need to find a way that will work for me. I am going to look at foldable bikes this weekend! Might solve the problem easily!
The biggest realization for me is that weight loss is nothing more than a CHOICE! Yes, I know, sounds terrible. But, when I eat more than my dailies, I am CHOOSING to keep this weight. When I have double servings, I am CHOOSING to stay a size 16. Is that what I want? The answer is NO. So, I need to start making difference decisions with my eating and exercise. Yes, I have a thyroid problem we just found out about, but I can still lose some of this weight regardless of that.
Choice is wonderful and terrible at the same time. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just do a pre-packaged diet, but I have done that before and I remember the feeling of being limited, deprived and embarrassed when I couldn't eat regular food. I am not a child anymore, so I need to take responsibility for my choices and start making ones that will make me proud and show a loss on the scale!
Thursday, April 05, 2012
I have been thinking a lot this week about my ups and downs with weight. I have also been thinking about what I DO know about health, nutrition and the WW program. I came to two conclusions.
1) I know a WHOLE LOT about health, nutrition and the WW program. I can be a leader when it comes to knowledge. LOL!
2) I am being LAZY. I know what to do, I am just not doing it. And, this time around I am not allowing myself excuses. So there is no reason why I can't. I am just not.
That only leaves one possible path for me. To just DO THIS already! I know exactly what to do. And, I know my body better than any leader, friend, family member or even doctor for that matter.
I did find out yesterday, that I have a thyroid issues. My anti-bodies are supposed to be under 35 and they are at 105! So, I am being put on a new prescription and that should help balance me out a little since my hormones are going crazy and causing hair loss, brittle nails, achy joints and weight gain.
Despite all that, I can control some of this weight gain. I know it in my heart. I just need to get off my duff and do what I need to do. I read a great quote this morning....
"You might well remember that nothing can bring you success but yourself." ~Napoleon Hill
I was starving today! I didn't plan very well. I had to go to Target on my way home to pick up a prescription and I so wanted Robin Eggs! Then I got the shakes...I needed to eat. Felt like I was going to pass out. Considered chips, then a bag of M&M's...but guess what? I bought two low fat string cheese's and ate them in the car, with a bottle of water. When I got home, was still starved. I think I just let myself get too hungry. But, instead of eating a yogurt, then an apple, then almonds, you get the picture. I actually MADE a real dinner! Check out my pic!
Very proud of myself today. I could have trashed the day so easily with the 30+ ppts bag of Robin Eggs, but I didn't! One win for the brain! Woot woot!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
This past week has been a week of massive change for me. I moved and no longer have a roommate, my mom had a tummy tuck and today I am back on track.
I was a little mad at my mom for getting the tummy tuck. She had lap band surgery about 4years ago, but has gained back 20-30 pounds. I am not sure the exact amount gained back because she keeps fudging the numbers. But, she tried to convince me that she had loose skin...when in fact, her stomach looked like mine, no loose skin just tissue.
She had gotten down to a size 10, but is now a size 14. Now, the reason I was upset with her is that my mom lost this weight by eating less yes, but she does not eat healthy foods at all. She lives on processed foods and fast food. She was still eating Fritos before the surgery and said they were made from "corn" so it's healthy. It's kinda ridiculous. My mom was the one to get me dieting at 9 (when I wasn't fat) and to this day, even after the tummy tuck...she was talking about doing another fad diet. I went to visit her on Monday to see how she was doing and she was eating ice cream. First she tried to hide it, then she tried to convince me that it was healthy for her because it was gelato. Gelato is healthy she told me because it's not real ice cream.
Anyways...my reason in posting this is not to harp on my mom. She will always be this way, it just makes me upset, concerned and frustrated when she opts to go under the knife instead of learning healthy eating. But...what I have realized is that although I do eat healthy 90% of the time, I also have binge moments and have a really bad addiction to sugar.
I want to lose this weight without surgery or pills...and this was re-confirmed after taking my mom to her surgery and seeing her after the surgery. I know I need to get my thyroid checked again too..and I just made a doctors appt for this Friday. But what I really want is to be a healthy example for my mom. I want her to understand that if you eat healthy, you can lose weight without going to drastic measures, putting yourself at risk by undergoing surgery and scaring the heck out of your family. I also want to win this addiction to sugar. One good thing is that, unlike food, I don't need to eat sugar. Sugar is not required for healthy living and I know once I break my bad habit, I will probably lose weight a little faster.
So today is day 1! I have tracked my food (both points and calories). I am going to my new gym to upgrade my membership and will go to the gym tonight and I will take control of my life and make it everything I wanted it to be in the first place!
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