Friday, February 22, 2008
I was on the right track honestly I was, and then sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Last Saturday night, I went out with one of my closest friends. She said she drank too much...I know how much she can drink and this was very minimal to her normal drinking habits. However, she was not feeling well so we left back to my apartment because her car was here. (I am giving the abbreviated version because it's just easier).
She somehow flipped out and was crying, upset, screaming a bit and I thought she was just being dramatic. She vomited in the car (luckily we had a bag) and I was trying to get her into the apartment. I finally did and she continued with the over the top crying. Now, I have been friends with her for about 3 years and I know she has had some emotional/stability issues, but I have never experienced them.
So, after about 45 minutes or so of this, she ends up in my kitchen and I am just watching her not saying anything. She pulls a knife out of my butcher block and puts it to her wrist and tries to cut her self. I jump up and grab the knife out of her hands. I pull her out of the kitchen, in shock and she is screaming at me not to touch her.
I only got about an hour sleep that night as I was afraid she was going to wander back in the kitchen. I am thankful that I have really bad knives from Marshalls because I know she could have done a lot more damage otherwise. I asked her to get help. I told her I would go with her.
She apologized in the morning and was embarassed about the incident. At this point, I am thinking that she wanted me to see that because I am one of the very few people that she trusts and I think it might be a cry for help. I don't know how to help her at this point and we are supposed to go to a Bachlorette party tomorrow. I just got an email from her that she is not going. I have never been in the situation before.
The first thing I did after she left was call a friend and went directly to her house. I know I needed to talk it out because it felt very traumatic to me and I was not even involved. I can't imagine what she is going through and I feel so helpless. If anyone has gone through something like this and has advice, I would be so appreciative for it!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
I think I am finally getting over being sick. Thank you so much to all of you who have been so supportive over the last few weeks. I feel a little like I have been through a train wreck and your encouraging words have meant a lot to me!
I am going to weigh in on Sunday and I think I will be about 210 or so. I have been counting points more than doing Core because I have been out of town traveling. Starting Sunday I will be able to do Core for the week and then will be back on Flex the following week as I will be travelling again.
As for the guy (for those of you that followed), I have gathered that he is just an idiot. I met another person, but I am not going to get so invested so quickly this time. And, actually, that is very uncharacteristic of me. I don't know why I fell for this guy so quickly. Very un-taurus like.
Anyhow, I think I have finally figured out that there are some people in this world that do not view you based on weight, but rather a combination of your inside meshed with your outside. I don't think that it is completely true for everyone, but I decided I am going to give the benefit of the doubt. If you are one of those that only see what is on the outside, then that is too bad for you because you will be missing out on meeting some of the greatest people in the world!
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
So, I think I am almost back to my normal self. If I know what that means anymore. I am leaving again tonight for a business trip and will be back on Monday. I had one heck of a weekend. For those of you kinda following, the guy I was upset with...Well, I was way wrong about that. I think it is the opposite. He actually seems to really like me, but he is (for lack of a better explanation) jealous of my time. He seems to be one of those guys that likes a lot of attention and I am one of those girls who doesn't have a lot of time. I do foresee a bit of a problamatic situation on the forefront.
Anyways, it has been a bumpy couple of days and we will leave it at that. Because I have been sick, I got down to 204 yesterday. I weighed myself this morning and gained 3.5 pounds overnight. I also have not been drinking water. I feel like I lost my way a bit but it has been interesting because this is the first time I have ever continously blogged and it seems to keep me connected.
Sorry for the ADD in these thoughts, I am just kind of typing and writing at the same time. A little perplexed about things, I am sure you can tell. Have you ever felt time stop? That's how I have felt all day today. It wasn't that things were going to slow or anything, it just seems like I am at a huge cross roads with work, this guy, where I want to be, who I want to be, etc. I thought I went through the quarterlife crisis already. But maybe it is not a crisis per say. Maybe, if we pay close enough attention, we can see that sometimes things just collide and cause everything to be complicated even though the day before was so simple. Okay, I need to stop. This is a bit much to be jabbering on about.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Just letting off a little steam. Not only is my nose stuffed, my voice gone and there is no oxygen getting through my nostrils, but on top of that, guys stink!
So, I have been absent here for the last 2 weeks due to travels for work and now have the cold/flu thingy I have. I met someone a few weeks ago and things were going great. I could not believe that I met a nice guy, sweet, attractive and he was treating me so well. Well, he had taken a couple of pics of him and I and recently got them developed. We were supposed to go out on Saturday and I had called him to figure out what time, where, etc. He told me he got the pics back and then didn't say anything. I thought, well, did I look terrible or something? So I asked him if they came out bad and he didn't say anything. So I moved on about Saturday and he was kinda brushing me off. Of course, I got defensive (typical me), and said, "We don't have to go if you don't want to." He stated it was fine and to call him on Saturday.
Now, is it just me or is this weird. He normally sends me a text or calls me everyday. I know, I know. I find it a bit much as well, but this was his pattern. After the above mentioned conversation, he has not contacted me at all. I am a little P.O.'d to say the least. I feel as though he thinks I am just plain ugly and unfortunately, I have self-confidence issues due to my weight. Had he called me names, got mad at me for something I said or did, or didn't like my family, I wouldn't be as upset. I think it just stung more for two simple reasons. First, this is the first guy in about 2 years that I started to let in and trust. Second, he hit on an issue that is very sensitive to me, my looks/weight.
So, I got upset, talked to a friend, shed a tear and I am now done with it. I blocked his email and deleted his number from my phone. If he wants to see me again, he can contact me and we will have to go from there. I know I am probably overreacting, but honestly? Do you not have the guts to tell me what you were really thinking about me? Or, did your friends make comments about my weight and now all of the sudden you can't be seen with me? C'mon! Nothing changed.
When are guys going to grow up?
Okay, I have done my venting. I will shut up now.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Okay, so I think I lost my way the last 5 days. Today was the first day that I have been truly back on track. I wanted to post this because I wanted to be able to look back at this in a few months and realize what the journey has been to me.
Last night, I was a little emotional and I suppose bored. I wandered in the kitchen and was looking around. I really wanted something sweet. I stopped for a moment and realized I wasn't hungry. For whatever reason, I took a pan, heated it up, threw in a couple of handfuls of marshmallows and made a small batch of Rice Krispy's. I then ate the whole thing!
I still don't really know why I did it, but I think I have realized that me, TV and evening don't mix. Today, I did well. I was poking around the kitchen again tonight, but made a different choice. I grabbed a bottle of water, stuck a jolly rancher in my mouth and it has made all the difference!
I thought it was important to capture this and maybe it will help others see that this is totally a learning experience. I guess I just need to understand that it is persistence, not perfection.
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