Wednesday, February 08, 2012
I have had a rough go over the last two weeks. This past week, I went to the gym twice a day, stayed OP and gained 0.4. I was frustrated. Since Saturday...I did okay. But was even more frustrated when I got on the scale yesterday and saw that my home scale showed I gained about 4lbs! Last night...I ate M&Ms at the movies. Old habits die hard.
However, when I woke up this morning...I told myself, back OP and today is a new day. I had an okay breakfast, tracked it all. Today at lunch...I was feeling sad because I had to cover the office and was going to have to get a Subway salad, which I am not fond of. IMHO, they are the worst salads out there...As I drove over to Subway...I saw the grocery store and thought, "Duh!" I went to their salad bar and it was a little pricey, $6.99/lb. However, I said I would have paid $7 or $8 at Subway. So, off I went to grab my salad...chicken, three kinds of lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, green onions, carrots, chicken (real chicken), zucchini, bell peppers! I was excited, this looked good! Then...I had to pick dressings. They had no light dressing...I went to go get the little plastic container for the dressing and what was hidden over there? Olive oil and balsamic! Yes! Another GHG crossed off!
I also bought some grapes because I am craving chocolate and that is going to be my dessert. But, I have to say that I am very proud of myself for realizing my downfall mid-week and stopping it from continuing on. This is not going to be easy, but it is going to be the rest of my life. Eventually, it will become habit if I keep at it!
Saturday, February 04, 2012
This week was a tough week for me. I was doing great until Tuesday evening. I had my therapist appointment and thought it went well. I think it brought a few things up, well it must have, because all I wanted was frozen yogurt! So, I had gone to the gym in the morning and still had some dailies let, I indulged. I didn't go overboard, but I enjoyed my little treat. Then, I didn't want to go home...I have a roommate and although she is nice, she is usually on the couch with her new boyfriend and I am subjected to stay in my room. I know I need to address this, but after my appointment, it was not something I was ready to do emotionally. So what did I do? I went to CVS and got my mascara (cause I was out) and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. They were the individual bag, but it still had 3.5 servings. I went home and didn't eat anymore. I did track all of my points, which added up pretty quickly because Doritos are expensive point wise!
The next day didn't go well. I ended up eating 2 more individual bags of Doritos and a couple of pieces of See's Candies. Now, that wouldn't be so bad, but I had also had In-n-out for lunch. It was a protein burger, meaning no bun, and I didn't have the sauce either, but ate the fries. Normally, my 49 would have gotten me through these two crazy days of emotional eating...however, I had used most of my weeklies on Saturday or Sunday.
I think the only saving grace, and the reason I only gained 0.4 was because I have been going to the gym A LOT! Like twice a day. It's not because I am a gym bunny by any means. But I don't like being home right now due to the aforementioned roommate. So, the only place I can really escape to is the gym. And, frankly...my home life is not comfortable right now, I am not happy with my job and my brother is causing major drama in our family life. I think the gym has been a blessing in disguise.
What I think I am finally understanding is that weight loss is not a physical accomplishment. The physical aspect is the result of a mental change in oneself. I think that is something new that has finally sunken in after all of these years. Also, I told myself I would blog about my "controlled binge" because I need to remember this and remember what I was feeling when it happened. It is very difficult to make good decisions in the midst of an emotional whirlwind. It is SO MUCH easier to just give in and eat something your mind is telling you you're craving. What I need to figure out is what can I do when I am in that moment?
I have been thinking about that question over the last few days. The only thing I could really come up with is this...
1) Go and get some hot tea or coffee. The warmth may soothe me.
2) Take a shower and relax, emotions are exhausting!
3) Go to the gym or go for a walk
4) Blog or journal
5) Stop and breathe! Take a moment, even if it means having to stop the car and pull off to the side of the road. This is better than stopping at the store or gas station for a junk food fix.
I wish losing weight wasn't so hard! I wish eating unhealthy food wasn't so easy! But, one thing I do know is that I must find a way to handle my emotions, something that doesn't involve food!
I found the pic above online (couldn't track down from the original site), but I thought it was pretty useful! I have A LOT of SPECIFIC cravings...i.e. Cool Ranch Doritos and See's Candy! I am learning and it's gonna take a lot of time!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Last night...I was out with some friends for another friends birthday. I had finally gotten up the courage to wear my strapless top, even though I am super self-conscious about my arms. The night was going along okay, until we waited in line for the bathroom. A girl, who seemed kinda drunk, brushed her drink against my back, wetting it because of the condensation on the cup. I was a little irked but could tell she was drunk. She looked like she was trying to go to the bathroom, but we had already been waiting for about 15 minutes and there were about 12 people behind us. I looked up at her and said "the line starts back there." She had no problem and started walking back. Her guy friend (who we think might be the brother) looks over at me and calls me FAT because I told her there was a line. How telling someone there is a line and being called fat go together, I don't know. So I tell my friend, "he just called me fat cause..." then he yelled from about 10 feet away, "Yeah I called you fat!"
I was upset and angry, but as many of us girls who have been heavy since we were kids know, we try to brush it off. I tried, but it still bothered me....more than I realized. It is one thing when you are calling yourself names in your head, not that it's okay, but it is a whole other thing when a stranger confirms the negative thinking you have been playing with in your mind. I was angry. On top of that, I felt even more self conscious now that I was publicly called fat, with a bunch of people standing around, for telling someone there was a line. It made no sense. I felt like my arms were growing with every moment. I felt a sense of yuckiness and disgust about myself. About 30 minutes or so later, I decided to leave. It was almost last call anyways and I had to drive home, no point in drinking or hanging out any longer since I felt terrible. In one swoop, this guy brought me down. He probably didn't even think twice about it, but he did hurt someone quite a bit with his careless words.
On the way home last night, I was trying to figure out why this bothered me so much. Hadn't I just called myself fat in NZ when I had to have my weight written on my hand for all to see before bungee jumping? Hadn't I used that word to describe myself over the past years? Why was it that this guy could say it and it could bring up so much hurt in me? How could a ridiculous stranger cause this much upheaval with a dumb three letter word? Why had I given him so much power? It was not calculating correctly in my head...why did it bug me that much?
I think there is a lot more to those questions and I will have to answer them slowly as I move through this journey. But I do think that some of the answers lie in the following...
* Fat is the term I use when I am being mean to myself
* Fat is what I was teased and made fun of with growing up
* Fat is how I always felt around my friends who were all thin
* Fat is the me that has been single because she has been told by other men in the
past that I would be attractive "if only I had lost a ton of weight."
* Fat is what I have been called by a bunch of men, all of whom have told me I am
unattractive because of body, not my face
* Fat is an ugly word and doesn't describe the reasons we overeat, just the result
* Fat has haunted me my whole life
* Fat is what my dance teachers warned me of and what started me dieting when I
was 9 years old and not fat
* Fat is hurtful to someone who has struggled with their weight and has been
making an effort to change the body she has been in for years....and...
* Fat is a term that can send a dieter into a spiral binge at any moment...but I
strong enough not to let it happen to me this time.
I am not going to let FAT win this. I am not going to let FAT had any power over me. I am not going to call myself FAT anymore.
Friday, January 20, 2012
This week...I changed ONE thing initially. I said Tuesday morning..."I'm going to get up and go to the gym. I am going to do just 30 minutes on the bike or treadmill, then I can go home if I want to."
I have done this for 4 days in a row now, and even made it to 2 evening Zumba classes! Wow! I have been getting up between 5:45 and 6:15 and get to the gym a little before 7am. It doesn't seem like much, but I think it is making a big difference. I was always under the impression that I had to do a grueling workout (Bootcamp, Kickboxing, etc.) to count it as exercise. I would be so sore the afterwards that I didn't do anything for the next two days, then another strenuous workout, then down for two days. Guess what? It doesn't work!
I have been more consistent. My outlook seems to be more optimistic. I have to say...I do feel like I have more energy and at night... if I don't get to the gym, I don't feel guilty cause I have already went! Amazing how that works! If I do go, its for fun or stress relief. I feel much better today, than any day of 2011! Exercise really is good for the body, but I am learning it's also good for the mind and the soul. If your head is not on straight, then your body is not going to drop or keep off the weight. It's been a 24year process, but I think I am finally REALLY understanding that weight loss is a mental accomplishment.
I think I am going to try to keep this up and do a little something each morning. I did get on the scale this morning and it looks like I am down a pound or two. We will found out on Saturday during WI.
My lesson learned for the week: You DON'T have to kill yourself when exercising.
Monday, January 16, 2012
So...Looking back on my last post, I need to understand that I can't cut out food groups or items completely, unless there is a medical reason. It just makes me want that particular food more! So, I had a mini Hershey chocolate and a Fanta on Saturday. Yes, eat my words!
But, I tracked everything and used my 49 extras and I still have a lot of points left. I made myself accountable for every bite! And, I know I can live on the WW plan. I can still have my little indulgences here and there, but not every time I feel the urge. That is what makes the difference.
This year, my resolution is to make small changes in my life to be where I want to be. At the end of this year, I would like to be 50 pounds lighter. That would be to be at 166 by New Years. If I lose about a pound a week or 4 lbs in a month, I will get there. It is not an unattainable goal, but it is consistent. This year is about consistency, something I have never been good at when it comes to weight loss.
So tonight, I am going to Zumba. It will be my first trip back to the gym this year, as I was out of the country until last Monday and have been sick since then. I am feeling better and think it will be good for my body to get back into the swing of things. I just need to earn 2 activity points a day and I am good! That is the goal...
To remind myself....Goals for 2012
1) To get to closer to a healthy weight by reaching 166 by NYE (BMI of 28.5) - 2013 is to get to goal of 145 (BMI 24.9)
2) Be consistent in staying within dailies each day
3) Be consistent with exercise by earning 2pts per day (or 30 min of activity a day)
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