Friday, March 02, 2012
I have been struggling. I gained 2lbs last week and I didn't think I did that bad. However, I have had stress higher than I have had in a long time and no sleep. Bad combination for weight loss.
I haven't been posting much, I have just been trying to figure out what is going on with me. Work is still ho hum. I got my check, deposited, paid bills and have about $300 for the next two weeks. That has to pay for groceries too! The living situation is still uncomfortable. My roommate is gone this weekend, thank goodness. I was in the livingroom watching TV, but noticed that I still feel so uncomfortable there. I am back in my room. I have been trying to eat as healthy as possible, but don't really have much of a kitchen to work with when the roommate is here.
What I know is that there is a lot of unsettled, transitional feelings going on here. Money is no help and I am convinced it is the root of all evil whether you are poor or rich. I have been trying to eat my feelings, yes, I know it's bad. But guess what? It doesn't really work anymore. I feel like I am constantly having to re-start my engine and try to get back on track again. The one thing that is standing out more and more as each day passes is that there really is no track for me to put myself on. I don't want to go in the direction that I was going, so I need to build new tracks. I think I know the destination, I am just not sure how to get there. I am trying to figure out how to build that track, but it's not very easy.
Everything seems so difficult right now. I think that's how I know its not right for me. Life is tough to figure out sometimes and I feel so lost. I know I will come out of this, but it is not going to be easy. A year from now, I know that my life will be completely different. I can feel it in my bones. This is a major transition time for me and I know that I have the opportunity to make changes in my life for the better. One day, I will wake up in a beautiful home, be able to buy something without balancing my checkbook first and will be excited to wake up every morning to go to work! I know it will happen and I will look back on this time and be so grateful I made it through this difficult time in my life.
Thank you all for your support throughout the last year...it has helped me so much more than you can imagine and I appreciate every word!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
This past week has been terribly difficult for me. One of my family members is causing havoc on our entire family. I think a lot of it is stemming from that family member's significant other. I haven't been able to sleep well, my hair is falling out by the gobs (so much so I had to put Drano in the shower) and staying OP has been a challenge each and every day. I find myself in tears pretty easily when anyone asks what's wrong...I used to be able to avoid crying, now I can't. I have always been a very strong, independent woman, but this has just tore me apart like nothing else in my life has.
My leader noticed that something was wrong today and she asked me if I was okay. I tried to keep myself together, but my eyes welled up and tears came down my face. My entire life I have take responsibility for things that I didn't do, because I was brought up that way. I was the oldest and always "should have known better." I have unfortunately brought that into my adult life and now I am understanding that you can't take responsibility for other peoples actions just to make everything okay. It's not right and it doesn't resolve anything.
I know there is nothing I did wrong here, even though I am being blamed for a lot I have never done. I know that the things that are happening right now are things that I have nothing to do with and they make absolutely no sense. I know that I am being used as a scapegoat here and I now know that it is easier for some people to blame others for their own problems in life, rather than taking responsibility and being accountable for their own choices in life.
I know now that when I am stretched beyond the stressed point, I want to eat. I am slowly learning to re-train that response. It is not easy. I need to remind myself that the only thing I can fix is myself. I only have choice in the way I choose to handle myself, how I respond to things and what I choose to do with my life. I can't change situations, I can't fix problems...all I can do is do the best I can with what I have.
Wednesday, February 08, 2012
I have had a rough go over the last two weeks. This past week, I went to the gym twice a day, stayed OP and gained 0.4. I was frustrated. Since Saturday...I did okay. But was even more frustrated when I got on the scale yesterday and saw that my home scale showed I gained about 4lbs! Last night...I ate M&Ms at the movies. Old habits die hard.
However, when I woke up this morning...I told myself, back OP and today is a new day. I had an okay breakfast, tracked it all. Today at lunch...I was feeling sad because I had to cover the office and was going to have to get a Subway salad, which I am not fond of. IMHO, they are the worst salads out there...As I drove over to Subway...I saw the grocery store and thought, "Duh!" I went to their salad bar and it was a little pricey, $6.99/lb. However, I said I would have paid $7 or $8 at Subway. So, off I went to grab my salad...chicken, three kinds of lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, green onions, carrots, chicken (real chicken), zucchini, bell peppers! I was excited, this looked good! Then...I had to pick dressings. They had no light dressing...I went to go get the little plastic container for the dressing and what was hidden over there? Olive oil and balsamic! Yes! Another GHG crossed off!
I also bought some grapes because I am craving chocolate and that is going to be my dessert. But, I have to say that I am very proud of myself for realizing my downfall mid-week and stopping it from continuing on. This is not going to be easy, but it is going to be the rest of my life. Eventually, it will become habit if I keep at it!
Saturday, February 04, 2012
This week was a tough week for me. I was doing great until Tuesday evening. I had my therapist appointment and thought it went well. I think it brought a few things up, well it must have, because all I wanted was frozen yogurt! So, I had gone to the gym in the morning and still had some dailies let, I indulged. I didn't go overboard, but I enjoyed my little treat. Then, I didn't want to go home...I have a roommate and although she is nice, she is usually on the couch with her new boyfriend and I am subjected to stay in my room. I know I need to address this, but after my appointment, it was not something I was ready to do emotionally. So what did I do? I went to CVS and got my mascara (cause I was out) and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. They were the individual bag, but it still had 3.5 servings. I went home and didn't eat anymore. I did track all of my points, which added up pretty quickly because Doritos are expensive point wise!
The next day didn't go well. I ended up eating 2 more individual bags of Doritos and a couple of pieces of See's Candies. Now, that wouldn't be so bad, but I had also had In-n-out for lunch. It was a protein burger, meaning no bun, and I didn't have the sauce either, but ate the fries. Normally, my 49 would have gotten me through these two crazy days of emotional eating...however, I had used most of my weeklies on Saturday or Sunday.
I think the only saving grace, and the reason I only gained 0.4 was because I have been going to the gym A LOT! Like twice a day. It's not because I am a gym bunny by any means. But I don't like being home right now due to the aforementioned roommate. So, the only place I can really escape to is the gym. And, frankly...my home life is not comfortable right now, I am not happy with my job and my brother is causing major drama in our family life. I think the gym has been a blessing in disguise.
What I think I am finally understanding is that weight loss is not a physical accomplishment. The physical aspect is the result of a mental change in oneself. I think that is something new that has finally sunken in after all of these years. Also, I told myself I would blog about my "controlled binge" because I need to remember this and remember what I was feeling when it happened. It is very difficult to make good decisions in the midst of an emotional whirlwind. It is SO MUCH easier to just give in and eat something your mind is telling you you're craving. What I need to figure out is what can I do when I am in that moment?
I have been thinking about that question over the last few days. The only thing I could really come up with is this...
1) Go and get some hot tea or coffee. The warmth may soothe me.
2) Take a shower and relax, emotions are exhausting!
3) Go to the gym or go for a walk
4) Blog or journal
5) Stop and breathe! Take a moment, even if it means having to stop the car and pull off to the side of the road. This is better than stopping at the store or gas station for a junk food fix.
I wish losing weight wasn't so hard! I wish eating unhealthy food wasn't so easy! But, one thing I do know is that I must find a way to handle my emotions, something that doesn't involve food!
I found the pic above online (couldn't track down from the original site), but I thought it was pretty useful! I have A LOT of SPECIFIC cravings...i.e. Cool Ranch Doritos and See's Candy! I am learning and it's gonna take a lot of time!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Last night...I was out with some friends for another friends birthday. I had finally gotten up the courage to wear my strapless top, even though I am super self-conscious about my arms. The night was going along okay, until we waited in line for the bathroom. A girl, who seemed kinda drunk, brushed her drink against my back, wetting it because of the condensation on the cup. I was a little irked but could tell she was drunk. She looked like she was trying to go to the bathroom, but we had already been waiting for about 15 minutes and there were about 12 people behind us. I looked up at her and said "the line starts back there." She had no problem and started walking back. Her guy friend (who we think might be the brother) looks over at me and calls me FAT because I told her there was a line. How telling someone there is a line and being called fat go together, I don't know. So I tell my friend, "he just called me fat cause..." then he yelled from about 10 feet away, "Yeah I called you fat!"
I was upset and angry, but as many of us girls who have been heavy since we were kids know, we try to brush it off. I tried, but it still bothered me....more than I realized. It is one thing when you are calling yourself names in your head, not that it's okay, but it is a whole other thing when a stranger confirms the negative thinking you have been playing with in your mind. I was angry. On top of that, I felt even more self conscious now that I was publicly called fat, with a bunch of people standing around, for telling someone there was a line. It made no sense. I felt like my arms were growing with every moment. I felt a sense of yuckiness and disgust about myself. About 30 minutes or so later, I decided to leave. It was almost last call anyways and I had to drive home, no point in drinking or hanging out any longer since I felt terrible. In one swoop, this guy brought me down. He probably didn't even think twice about it, but he did hurt someone quite a bit with his careless words.
On the way home last night, I was trying to figure out why this bothered me so much. Hadn't I just called myself fat in NZ when I had to have my weight written on my hand for all to see before bungee jumping? Hadn't I used that word to describe myself over the past years? Why was it that this guy could say it and it could bring up so much hurt in me? How could a ridiculous stranger cause this much upheaval with a dumb three letter word? Why had I given him so much power? It was not calculating correctly in my head...why did it bug me that much?
I think there is a lot more to those questions and I will have to answer them slowly as I move through this journey. But I do think that some of the answers lie in the following...
* Fat is the term I use when I am being mean to myself
* Fat is what I was teased and made fun of with growing up
* Fat is how I always felt around my friends who were all thin
* Fat is the me that has been single because she has been told by other men in the
past that I would be attractive "if only I had lost a ton of weight."
* Fat is what I have been called by a bunch of men, all of whom have told me I am
unattractive because of body, not my face
* Fat is an ugly word and doesn't describe the reasons we overeat, just the result
* Fat has haunted me my whole life
* Fat is what my dance teachers warned me of and what started me dieting when I
was 9 years old and not fat
* Fat is hurtful to someone who has struggled with their weight and has been
making an effort to change the body she has been in for years....and...
* Fat is a term that can send a dieter into a spiral binge at any moment...but I
strong enough not to let it happen to me this time.
I am not going to let FAT win this. I am not going to let FAT had any power over me. I am not going to call myself FAT anymore.
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