Saturday, February 04, 2012
This week was a tough week for me. I was doing great until Tuesday evening. I had my therapist appointment and thought it went well. I think it brought a few things up, well it must have, because all I wanted was frozen yogurt! So, I had gone to the gym in the morning and still had some dailies let, I indulged. I didn't go overboard, but I enjoyed my little treat. Then, I didn't want to go home...I have a roommate and although she is nice, she is usually on the couch with her new boyfriend and I am subjected to stay in my room. I know I need to address this, but after my appointment, it was not something I was ready to do emotionally. So what did I do? I went to CVS and got my mascara (cause I was out) and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. They were the individual bag, but it still had 3.5 servings. I went home and didn't eat anymore. I did track all of my points, which added up pretty quickly because Doritos are expensive point wise!
The next day didn't go well. I ended up eating 2 more individual bags of Doritos and a couple of pieces of See's Candies. Now, that wouldn't be so bad, but I had also had In-n-out for lunch. It was a protein burger, meaning no bun, and I didn't have the sauce either, but ate the fries. Normally, my 49 would have gotten me through these two crazy days of emotional eating...however, I had used most of my weeklies on Saturday or Sunday.
I think the only saving grace, and the reason I only gained 0.4 was because I have been going to the gym A LOT! Like twice a day. It's not because I am a gym bunny by any means. But I don't like being home right now due to the aforementioned roommate. So, the only place I can really escape to is the gym. And, frankly...my home life is not comfortable right now, I am not happy with my job and my brother is causing major drama in our family life. I think the gym has been a blessing in disguise.
What I think I am finally understanding is that weight loss is not a physical accomplishment. The physical aspect is the result of a mental change in oneself. I think that is something new that has finally sunken in after all of these years. Also, I told myself I would blog about my "controlled binge" because I need to remember this and remember what I was feeling when it happened. It is very difficult to make good decisions in the midst of an emotional whirlwind. It is SO MUCH easier to just give in and eat something your mind is telling you you're craving. What I need to figure out is what can I do when I am in that moment?
I have been thinking about that question over the last few days. The only thing I could really come up with is this...
1) Go and get some hot tea or coffee. The warmth may soothe me.
2) Take a shower and relax, emotions are exhausting!
3) Go to the gym or go for a walk
4) Blog or journal
5) Stop and breathe! Take a moment, even if it means having to stop the car and pull off to the side of the road. This is better than stopping at the store or gas station for a junk food fix.
I wish losing weight wasn't so hard! I wish eating unhealthy food wasn't so easy! But, one thing I do know is that I must find a way to handle my emotions, something that doesn't involve food!
I found the pic above online (couldn't track down from the original site), but I thought it was pretty useful! I have A LOT of SPECIFIC cravings...i.e. Cool Ranch Doritos and See's Candy! I am learning and it's gonna take a lot of time!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Last night...I was out with some friends for another friends birthday. I had finally gotten up the courage to wear my strapless top, even though I am super self-conscious about my arms. The night was going along okay, until we waited in line for the bathroom. A girl, who seemed kinda drunk, brushed her drink against my back, wetting it because of the condensation on the cup. I was a little irked but could tell she was drunk. She looked like she was trying to go to the bathroom, but we had already been waiting for about 15 minutes and there were about 12 people behind us. I looked up at her and said "the line starts back there." She had no problem and started walking back. Her guy friend (who we think might be the brother) looks over at me and calls me FAT because I told her there was a line. How telling someone there is a line and being called fat go together, I don't know. So I tell my friend, "he just called me fat cause..." then he yelled from about 10 feet away, "Yeah I called you fat!"
I was upset and angry, but as many of us girls who have been heavy since we were kids know, we try to brush it off. I tried, but it still bothered me....more than I realized. It is one thing when you are calling yourself names in your head, not that it's okay, but it is a whole other thing when a stranger confirms the negative thinking you have been playing with in your mind. I was angry. On top of that, I felt even more self conscious now that I was publicly called fat, with a bunch of people standing around, for telling someone there was a line. It made no sense. I felt like my arms were growing with every moment. I felt a sense of yuckiness and disgust about myself. About 30 minutes or so later, I decided to leave. It was almost last call anyways and I had to drive home, no point in drinking or hanging out any longer since I felt terrible. In one swoop, this guy brought me down. He probably didn't even think twice about it, but he did hurt someone quite a bit with his careless words.
On the way home last night, I was trying to figure out why this bothered me so much. Hadn't I just called myself fat in NZ when I had to have my weight written on my hand for all to see before bungee jumping? Hadn't I used that word to describe myself over the past years? Why was it that this guy could say it and it could bring up so much hurt in me? How could a ridiculous stranger cause this much upheaval with a dumb three letter word? Why had I given him so much power? It was not calculating correctly in my head...why did it bug me that much?
I think there is a lot more to those questions and I will have to answer them slowly as I move through this journey. But I do think that some of the answers lie in the following...
* Fat is the term I use when I am being mean to myself
* Fat is what I was teased and made fun of with growing up
* Fat is how I always felt around my friends who were all thin
* Fat is the me that has been single because she has been told by other men in the
past that I would be attractive "if only I had lost a ton of weight."
* Fat is what I have been called by a bunch of men, all of whom have told me I am
unattractive because of body, not my face
* Fat is an ugly word and doesn't describe the reasons we overeat, just the result
* Fat has haunted me my whole life
* Fat is what my dance teachers warned me of and what started me dieting when I
was 9 years old and not fat
* Fat is hurtful to someone who has struggled with their weight and has been
making an effort to change the body she has been in for years....and...
* Fat is a term that can send a dieter into a spiral binge at any moment...but I
strong enough not to let it happen to me this time.
I am not going to let FAT win this. I am not going to let FAT had any power over me. I am not going to call myself FAT anymore.
Friday, January 20, 2012
This week...I changed ONE thing initially. I said Tuesday morning..."I'm going to get up and go to the gym. I am going to do just 30 minutes on the bike or treadmill, then I can go home if I want to."
I have done this for 4 days in a row now, and even made it to 2 evening Zumba classes! Wow! I have been getting up between 5:45 and 6:15 and get to the gym a little before 7am. It doesn't seem like much, but I think it is making a big difference. I was always under the impression that I had to do a grueling workout (Bootcamp, Kickboxing, etc.) to count it as exercise. I would be so sore the afterwards that I didn't do anything for the next two days, then another strenuous workout, then down for two days. Guess what? It doesn't work!
I have been more consistent. My outlook seems to be more optimistic. I have to say...I do feel like I have more energy and at night... if I don't get to the gym, I don't feel guilty cause I have already went! Amazing how that works! If I do go, its for fun or stress relief. I feel much better today, than any day of 2011! Exercise really is good for the body, but I am learning it's also good for the mind and the soul. If your head is not on straight, then your body is not going to drop or keep off the weight. It's been a 24year process, but I think I am finally REALLY understanding that weight loss is a mental accomplishment.
I think I am going to try to keep this up and do a little something each morning. I did get on the scale this morning and it looks like I am down a pound or two. We will found out on Saturday during WI.
My lesson learned for the week: You DON'T have to kill yourself when exercising.
Monday, January 16, 2012
So...Looking back on my last post, I need to understand that I can't cut out food groups or items completely, unless there is a medical reason. It just makes me want that particular food more! So, I had a mini Hershey chocolate and a Fanta on Saturday. Yes, eat my words!
But, I tracked everything and used my 49 extras and I still have a lot of points left. I made myself accountable for every bite! And, I know I can live on the WW plan. I can still have my little indulgences here and there, but not every time I feel the urge. That is what makes the difference.
This year, my resolution is to make small changes in my life to be where I want to be. At the end of this year, I would like to be 50 pounds lighter. That would be to be at 166 by New Years. If I lose about a pound a week or 4 lbs in a month, I will get there. It is not an unattainable goal, but it is consistent. This year is about consistency, something I have never been good at when it comes to weight loss.
So tonight, I am going to Zumba. It will be my first trip back to the gym this year, as I was out of the country until last Monday and have been sick since then. I am feeling better and think it will be good for my body to get back into the swing of things. I just need to earn 2 activity points a day and I am good! That is the goal...
To remind myself....Goals for 2012
1) To get to closer to a healthy weight by reaching 166 by NYE (BMI of 28.5) - 2013 is to get to goal of 145 (BMI 24.9)
2) Be consistent in staying within dailies each day
3) Be consistent with exercise by earning 2pts per day (or 30 min of activity a day)
Friday, January 13, 2012
Well...I just got back from New Zealand a few days ago...caught a cold from the flight home, but am finally feeling better. It was a great trip, beautiful country with a ton of friendly people! I met a lot of new friends and have to say it was a life changing trip for me!
I bungee jumped for one!
I was excited, nervous and happy all at the same time. Although, my weight came into play. They wrote a gigantic 100 on my hand. Everyone knew I weighed 100 kilos (translated 220lbs), which ironically was the weight limit for sky diving! Yes, every person, 53 to be exact, knew what my weight was. I weighed more than all of the men...in fact, the professional Rugby player in front of me weighed 77 kilos....I was 23 MORE kilos than him! That's like almost 50lbs!
Part of my nervousness was that I was also embarrassed about my weight. I had to walk around with it on my hand and when I got to the bridge...I had a skinny kid who was about 18 tell me I probably had to go to the other line (he had seen my hand). The "other" line was for heavier people...it is a bungee after all. Now, had you not know I had my own issues with my weight, you wouldn't have thought anything about this. But, I was embarrassed, nervous and freaking out a little that everyone knew my weight! I have tried for years to hide it and have gone to great lengths to make sure my clothes made me look as un-pudgy as possible. I tried to make sure all the pics that were out there were from the neck up. All of my years of hiding were exposed in a single moment, with red ink on my left hand...This made my jump much more important.
The next day, we did a canyon swing, which was also fun. They wrote our weight by drawing pictures. Man, I could kiss this guy who was drawing a palm tree on my hand! I was so glad that it wasn't 100 kilos! But, again, my weight was an issue. On top of all of these WI activities, I had cameras clicking left and right and my bulge and double chin was in every single one. This trip I realized....I am fat. I am unfit. I am unhealthy. I think somehow over the years I have convinced myself that because I was trying to lose weight, I wasn't fat. Because I do go to the gym, I was fit. What I realized is that I think I am fit, but carrying around an extra 80lbs would be difficult even for a fit person. That is what I am doing each and every day. No wonder I was a sweaty Betty half the time! Yes, dripping sweat while my skinny friend was dry as can be. She never sweats, she says only her back does. I think she might be from another planet. But, I still love her! LOL!
The other thing I realized is...I don't like myself very much. My friend that went with me, the non-sweater, asked me, "What's wrong with this picture? Why don't you ever like them?" At first, my brain shouted out, "Duh! Because I look fat!" But, my mouth was silent. I think she could see I was thinking about the question. I wanted to say "because I don't like myself"...but, then I thought about it and it really is because I don't like the package I am in. I hate my body. I know hate is a strong word, but I have spent the last 33 years telling myself what is wrong with this body. I have allowed others to critique my body and tell me that it was bad. I have allowed others to confirm my negative thoughts. That has to change.
In addition to averaging about 14miles of walking a day, we also did a 4hour ocean kayak trip and a 4hour glacier hike. The hike about killed me. I kept up, but needed to stop a couple of times to catch my breath. It didn't help that my sinuses and allergies were giving me problems too. The one guy that was a personal trainer decided to stop and wait with me, which made me feel even worse about myself. He just stared at me and said, "it's okay." All that kept going through my head is he is thinking, great, here's another fat a** that doesn't take care of herself. Then I stopped myself and realized, he is probably not thinking that, that thought is all me!
I had a lot of time to think on this trip. I realized a few things...
1) I am fat. I am not fluffy or pudgy or any other cutsy name. I am fat.
2) Being fat is not healthy.
3) I am not fit...carrying around 80 extra pounds is not fit.
4) My weight is a result of my actions.
5) It's time to get down to why I am eating and change the unhealthy reasons.
I had also decided to make a few changes to my diet, starting right now.
1) No more french fries or soda (including diet soda). I don't need this. If I really want fries, I can have them on my birthday for my lunch or dinner.
2) No more sweets. Sweets (candy and chocolate) are treats. They are not part of a healthy diet and shouldn't be consumed on a daily basis. This include 100 calorie snack packs. If I want these, I can have them once a week when I have my ONE freebie for the week.
3) No more unhealthy snacks. Snacks should be fruit or veggies, or at least something with nutritional value. Not candy bars, baked goods or 100 calorie packs. That is not food.
My body will do well for me when I give it the proper food it needs. If I had a child, would I be feeding it soda and french fries? No. I would want my child to have the best food he/she can have. I wouldn't feed my newborn Cheetos, why am I feeding myself that? The other thing that I now know is that I am capable of so much more! Physically, mentally and emotionally. I faced a lot of fear standing on the bridge, I was scared when I jumped but felt free when I did. It's the same in life. I think I have been afraid of a lot and now it's time to face those fears and go after what I want in life, including a healthy weight.
This negative thinking, this thought that I can't "do it" that I can't lose this weight...It ends now.
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