Friday, January 13, 2012
Well...I just got back from New Zealand a few days ago...caught a cold from the flight home, but am finally feeling better. It was a great trip, beautiful country with a ton of friendly people! I met a lot of new friends and have to say it was a life changing trip for me!
I bungee jumped for one!
I was excited, nervous and happy all at the same time. Although, my weight came into play. They wrote a gigantic 100 on my hand. Everyone knew I weighed 100 kilos (translated 220lbs), which ironically was the weight limit for sky diving! Yes, every person, 53 to be exact, knew what my weight was. I weighed more than all of the men...in fact, the professional Rugby player in front of me weighed 77 kilos....I was 23 MORE kilos than him! That's like almost 50lbs!
Part of my nervousness was that I was also embarrassed about my weight. I had to walk around with it on my hand and when I got to the bridge...I had a skinny kid who was about 18 tell me I probably had to go to the other line (he had seen my hand). The "other" line was for heavier people...it is a bungee after all. Now, had you not know I had my own issues with my weight, you wouldn't have thought anything about this. But, I was embarrassed, nervous and freaking out a little that everyone knew my weight! I have tried for years to hide it and have gone to great lengths to make sure my clothes made me look as un-pudgy as possible. I tried to make sure all the pics that were out there were from the neck up. All of my years of hiding were exposed in a single moment, with red ink on my left hand...This made my jump much more important.
The next day, we did a canyon swing, which was also fun. They wrote our weight by drawing pictures. Man, I could kiss this guy who was drawing a palm tree on my hand! I was so glad that it wasn't 100 kilos! But, again, my weight was an issue. On top of all of these WI activities, I had cameras clicking left and right and my bulge and double chin was in every single one. This trip I realized....I am fat. I am unfit. I am unhealthy. I think somehow over the years I have convinced myself that because I was trying to lose weight, I wasn't fat. Because I do go to the gym, I was fit. What I realized is that I think I am fit, but carrying around an extra 80lbs would be difficult even for a fit person. That is what I am doing each and every day. No wonder I was a sweaty Betty half the time! Yes, dripping sweat while my skinny friend was dry as can be. She never sweats, she says only her back does. I think she might be from another planet. But, I still love her! LOL!
The other thing I realized is...I don't like myself very much. My friend that went with me, the non-sweater, asked me, "What's wrong with this picture? Why don't you ever like them?" At first, my brain shouted out, "Duh! Because I look fat!" But, my mouth was silent. I think she could see I was thinking about the question. I wanted to say "because I don't like myself"...but, then I thought about it and it really is because I don't like the package I am in. I hate my body. I know hate is a strong word, but I have spent the last 33 years telling myself what is wrong with this body. I have allowed others to critique my body and tell me that it was bad. I have allowed others to confirm my negative thoughts. That has to change.
In addition to averaging about 14miles of walking a day, we also did a 4hour ocean kayak trip and a 4hour glacier hike. The hike about killed me. I kept up, but needed to stop a couple of times to catch my breath. It didn't help that my sinuses and allergies were giving me problems too. The one guy that was a personal trainer decided to stop and wait with me, which made me feel even worse about myself. He just stared at me and said, "it's okay." All that kept going through my head is he is thinking, great, here's another fat a** that doesn't take care of herself. Then I stopped myself and realized, he is probably not thinking that, that thought is all me!
I had a lot of time to think on this trip. I realized a few things...
1) I am fat. I am not fluffy or pudgy or any other cutsy name. I am fat.
2) Being fat is not healthy.
3) I am not fit...carrying around 80 extra pounds is not fit.
4) My weight is a result of my actions.
5) It's time to get down to why I am eating and change the unhealthy reasons.
I had also decided to make a few changes to my diet, starting right now.
1) No more french fries or soda (including diet soda). I don't need this. If I really want fries, I can have them on my birthday for my lunch or dinner.
2) No more sweets. Sweets (candy and chocolate) are treats. They are not part of a healthy diet and shouldn't be consumed on a daily basis. This include 100 calorie snack packs. If I want these, I can have them once a week when I have my ONE freebie for the week.
3) No more unhealthy snacks. Snacks should be fruit or veggies, or at least something with nutritional value. Not candy bars, baked goods or 100 calorie packs. That is not food.
My body will do well for me when I give it the proper food it needs. If I had a child, would I be feeding it soda and french fries? No. I would want my child to have the best food he/she can have. I wouldn't feed my newborn Cheetos, why am I feeding myself that? The other thing that I now know is that I am capable of so much more! Physically, mentally and emotionally. I faced a lot of fear standing on the bridge, I was scared when I jumped but felt free when I did. It's the same in life. I think I have been afraid of a lot and now it's time to face those fears and go after what I want in life, including a healthy weight.
This negative thinking, this thought that I can't "do it" that I can't lose this weight...It ends now.
Monday, November 21, 2011
One really great thing that has come out of this tough and difficult year is that I have realized that I haven't "dieted" at all in 2011. I am starting to understand that my weight and health is something I have to focus on each and every day. I am beginning to understand the concept of "lifestyle."
At the same time, I realized this year that I have a very strong emotional tie to food which is often triggered by certain emotions, not all emotions. I know that my biggest problem arises when I am anxious about something. Also, until this year...I have never been able to identify my emotions and never allowed them to come to surface. This is something that was frowned upon on by my family...we weren't really allowed to cry when we were kids, especially around one of my close family members (who is now my boss). I am an adult now. I get to choose how my life is going to be, who I am going to be around, where I am going to work, who can be close to me and what I want to do. About 11 months ago, I know I wasn't able to say that.
Growing up and being responsible for everyone else is a really good way to learn to put yourself last because there are so many others to take care of. I know a lot of mothers can identify with that, the funny thing is...I am not a mom. I was raised to take care of my brothers so the grown ups could go out and have fun. I know it wasn't fair, but it is my past. I know that I don't have to do that anymore. It's just hard to put yourself first when you feel selfish or arrogant for caring about yourself. That is something that I am working on, it's not going to change overnight. At least now, I am aware of it.
This past weekend was my 15 year high school reunion. Of course I was anxious about it, especially since I had gained about 30 pounds since hs and was never thin to begin with. The one really nice thing that came out of that night is that I was able to let go of a lot of carp! I got home that night and felt like I was on Cloud 9! It was such a great release of expectations, perceptions, inadequacies, etc. I think I let my old way of thinking go before I got there and just decided I would be open and friendly to everyone. It was a great night and I am so glad that it turned out well (I had planned the event).
2011 is a year that I never want to repeat, but it was also a defining year for me. I am making changes for my future and I am doing what "I" want to do for the very first time in my life! It is scary and exciting all at once and I can't wait for 2012!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
I have been struggling. If you have been reading this blog, you are well aware of that. I hope you don't think I have multiple personalities or anything. I just have two...Me when I am OP (on plan) and me when I am struggling to get back OP! I think we all have those two personalities because weight loss is not easy.
I just got back from a work trip yesterday and had some time to think at the airport. I think... I am battling everything right now because I am not being true to myself and who I am. Over the last two years, I have been trying to figure out who I am and what I want because, despite me being 33, I was still doing everything that everyone else wanted or thought I should do. I was so unhappy with my life and I know it's because it was not my own. To the point that when I made any little mistake, I felt like I was letting myself AND whoever's advice I was following down at that moment.
Good grief Charlie Brown! That is no way to live a life and it was filled with more negativity, shame and potential disappointment than I care to ever live with again. Lesson learned.
I think Clarity can only come in moments. I think if we knew everything we wanted, full picture, we would be overwhelmed, discouraged from doing it or we just might crash and burn immediately. Yesterday I realized a couple of things.
1) I hate my job. After this cadavor course, it was confirmed. I hate my job.
2) I need to find things in life that make me happy and do those things, not what others tell me I should do.
3) My weight is a reflection of my life and my choices.
So now that I know the problems, I can actually find some solutions.
1) I will actively start job hunting this week. There is a job I really want and will apply by tomorrow evening.
2) I love reading, movies, museums, art exhibits, hanging out with my friends, trying new places to eat and spending time with my family. There are a lot of museums in L.A. that I have not been to, or would like to visit again. I think I will start doing that twice a month, even if I have to go on my own.
3) I am going to choose to treat my body with respect by feeding myself in a healthy way and making sure I get exercise each and every day, no excuses. I am going to get my thyroid checked out again (for Hashimoto's as was recommended) and I am going to go to the Chiropractor to have them look at my lower back since it is giving me pain.
2012 can be the best year of my life...if I let it! Have a wonderful weekend everyone!
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
I wasn't supposed to be weighed today, had I known, I would have worn something different. I was in jeans, full jewelry and tennis shoes. Yep....back up again. Ugh! I thought I did fairly well yesterday. Today...I am running out of veggies and I have 5 points left for dinner tonight.
So, what is dinner going to be???
Spaghetti squash (0)
2tsp Olive Oil (2)
Banana if I am still hungry (0)
Then, I am going to Zumba at 8pm tonight! I am just so mad I had to get on that scale. Then, they gave me a sheet as I left with my BMI on it (Yes, I know it's high...I told ya I am on WW trying to lower it) and a note on how to lose weight.
The crazy thing is I was here to get my birth control prescription renewed. I left feeling even worse about myself. Sitting here being frustrated, I wouldn't let myself eat any more until I figured out why I am frustrated and wanting to eat. It's because I am angry. Do doctors think that we don't know we are obese? Do they think that we don't know what healthy eating is? Why has no doctor ever asked me WHY I might be overweight? Or, WHAT is propelling me to make poor decisions? Nope...it's you're fat, here's a sheet cause you're an idiot and don't know what healthy eating is, and you need to exercise.
Duh! I exercise 3-5 times a week, an hour each time. I eat more fruits and veggies than most of my skinny counterparts. I take a multi-vitmin every morning and I don't drink soda (diet or regular) of any kind, just water. I don't keep unhealthy or processed foods in my house and I haven't had gluten (breads, pasta, processed foods) since July this year! AND...despite all that, I am STILL struggling with my weight!
One bright spot in the visit...a nurse clinician told me I should have my Anti-Thyroid checked. She said she had gained 40 pounds and then she pointed to her neck. She had a large horizontal scar across her neck and said that after she had her thryroid problem fixed, she dropped the weight immediately. I have been tested for thryroid issues because my mom and my grandma both have it. But I was only tested for regular thryrod issues, not the anti-thyroid. Thank goodness for that nurse! If it wasn't for her, I might have stopped for Mexican Food after the appointment since it was lunch time. But....I didn't!
Time to get back in the right frame of mind!
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
I have been struggling...there is a lot of change going on in my life...I am moving again (moved in July) at the end of the month, I am going from a 1BD/1BA apt to sharing a condo, I am trying to find a new job and my group of close friends have recently changed. It's a lot and I think it has been reflecting in my eating.
Yesterday, I did well!
I only went over my dailies by 2 points! And, I got 8 glasses of H2O in, as well as a Zumba class. I got on my scale this morning (I know I wasn't going to do that, but its habit) and yesterday I was 223....this morning I was 219.5! Saturday, I was 220, but did damage on Sunday and was up 3lbs! Goes to show just how important each day is.
So, I am stoked that yesterday went well. I wanted to make sure I wrote about it so I could carry it in today. Here's to another great day!
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