Saturday, November 12, 2011
I have been struggling. If you have been reading this blog, you are well aware of that. I hope you don't think I have multiple personalities or anything. I just have two...Me when I am OP (on plan) and me when I am struggling to get back OP! I think we all have those two personalities because weight loss is not easy.
I just got back from a work trip yesterday and had some time to think at the airport. I think... I am battling everything right now because I am not being true to myself and who I am. Over the last two years, I have been trying to figure out who I am and what I want because, despite me being 33, I was still doing everything that everyone else wanted or thought I should do. I was so unhappy with my life and I know it's because it was not my own. To the point that when I made any little mistake, I felt like I was letting myself AND whoever's advice I was following down at that moment.
Good grief Charlie Brown! That is no way to live a life and it was filled with more negativity, shame and potential disappointment than I care to ever live with again. Lesson learned.
I think Clarity can only come in moments. I think if we knew everything we wanted, full picture, we would be overwhelmed, discouraged from doing it or we just might crash and burn immediately. Yesterday I realized a couple of things.
1) I hate my job. After this cadavor course, it was confirmed. I hate my job.
2) I need to find things in life that make me happy and do those things, not what others tell me I should do.
3) My weight is a reflection of my life and my choices.
So now that I know the problems, I can actually find some solutions.
1) I will actively start job hunting this week. There is a job I really want and will apply by tomorrow evening.
2) I love reading, movies, museums, art exhibits, hanging out with my friends, trying new places to eat and spending time with my family. There are a lot of museums in L.A. that I have not been to, or would like to visit again. I think I will start doing that twice a month, even if I have to go on my own.
3) I am going to choose to treat my body with respect by feeding myself in a healthy way and making sure I get exercise each and every day, no excuses. I am going to get my thyroid checked out again (for Hashimoto's as was recommended) and I am going to go to the Chiropractor to have them look at my lower back since it is giving me pain.
2012 can be the best year of my life...if I let it! Have a wonderful weekend everyone!
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
I wasn't supposed to be weighed today, had I known, I would have worn something different. I was in jeans, full jewelry and tennis shoes. Yep....back up again. Ugh! I thought I did fairly well yesterday. Today...I am running out of veggies and I have 5 points left for dinner tonight.
So, what is dinner going to be???
Spaghetti squash (0)
2tsp Olive Oil (2)
Banana if I am still hungry (0)
Then, I am going to Zumba at 8pm tonight! I am just so mad I had to get on that scale. Then, they gave me a sheet as I left with my BMI on it (Yes, I know it's high...I told ya I am on WW trying to lower it) and a note on how to lose weight.
The crazy thing is I was here to get my birth control prescription renewed. I left feeling even worse about myself. Sitting here being frustrated, I wouldn't let myself eat any more until I figured out why I am frustrated and wanting to eat. It's because I am angry. Do doctors think that we don't know we are obese? Do they think that we don't know what healthy eating is? Why has no doctor ever asked me WHY I might be overweight? Or, WHAT is propelling me to make poor decisions? Nope...it's you're fat, here's a sheet cause you're an idiot and don't know what healthy eating is, and you need to exercise.
Duh! I exercise 3-5 times a week, an hour each time. I eat more fruits and veggies than most of my skinny counterparts. I take a multi-vitmin every morning and I don't drink soda (diet or regular) of any kind, just water. I don't keep unhealthy or processed foods in my house and I haven't had gluten (breads, pasta, processed foods) since July this year! AND...despite all that, I am STILL struggling with my weight!
One bright spot in the visit...a nurse clinician told me I should have my Anti-Thyroid checked. She said she had gained 40 pounds and then she pointed to her neck. She had a large horizontal scar across her neck and said that after she had her thryroid problem fixed, she dropped the weight immediately. I have been tested for thryroid issues because my mom and my grandma both have it. But I was only tested for regular thryrod issues, not the anti-thyroid. Thank goodness for that nurse! If it wasn't for her, I might have stopped for Mexican Food after the appointment since it was lunch time. But....I didn't!
Time to get back in the right frame of mind!
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
I have been struggling...there is a lot of change going on in my life...I am moving again (moved in July) at the end of the month, I am going from a 1BD/1BA apt to sharing a condo, I am trying to find a new job and my group of close friends have recently changed. It's a lot and I think it has been reflecting in my eating.
Yesterday, I did well!
I only went over my dailies by 2 points! And, I got 8 glasses of H2O in, as well as a Zumba class. I got on my scale this morning (I know I wasn't going to do that, but its habit) and yesterday I was 223....this morning I was 219.5! Saturday, I was 220, but did damage on Sunday and was up 3lbs! Goes to show just how important each day is.
So, I am stoked that yesterday went well. I wanted to make sure I wrote about it so I could carry it in today. Here's to another great day!
Monday, November 07, 2011
When I weighed in on Saturday, I had gained 3.4 lbs! I had exercised and had been pretty good during the week. The weekend was another story, not horrible, but not good. It always seems when I start exercising, I gain. I am learning to accept that. However, I also learned that if you screw up the weekend, you can kill your weigh in even if you are good during the week.
So, Saturday, I gained. I did okay Saturday, went over my points by about 9...used my weekly points allowance as I knew I would since I was at a baby shower. Sunday....ugh, Sunday. I was a slug most of the day, did do a 4 mile walk and grocery shopping, but that was it. I had a 79 point day! (I usually get 33). I ate the whole thing of hummus with carrots and the rest of my Gluten Free cookies, which was 5 total. But, those easily put me in my 46 points over.
Have you noticed my pattern? I do eat healthy stuff, but I just can't seem to control the portions. It is frustrating for me to, because I know better! So rather than let this snow ball continue, I have decided that I am going to STOP it today! I had a healthy breakfast scramble with 5 servings of veggies and both of my oils for the day. I will make a healthy lunch and I am going to the gym tonight. I will also get my 8 glasses of water in today. (I haven't gotten my water in for almost a week now).
I need to remind myself that this is something I need to do EVERY DAY! I cannot take a "break" on the weekends and mess myself up for the rest of the week and then again on weigh in day. I need to break this habit that weekends don't need to be as OP as the week because that will keep me where I am at, up and down the same 5lbs.
This week, my commitment is to myself. To make myself important and to take care of me because I deserve it.
Thursday, November 03, 2011
Yesterday was really tough for me. I ate more than I wanted, I wasn't hungry, but stress is there and this really lazy girl feeling. I am not a lazy person, but lately, I just don't feel motivated to do much. I think it's because I dislike my job and I would rather stay in bed than get up in the morning and go to another day of blah.
I know eating is not going to make it better. I know this! But, for some reason, last night, I ate instead of going to Zumba. And, I love Zumba! I was sitting on the couch watching Top Chef and just felt like I had my feet stuck in cement. I was paralyzed....and it wasn't cause Top Chef was on. I have it on my DVR. But, the crazy thing is I was sitting there knowing I would feel better if I went to Zumba, but I didn't move. It is craziness!
On a positive note, I tracked everything I ate last night. I when I said I ate...it wasn't like ice cream and candy. I have Progresso Light Soup for dinner, 94% Fat Free Popcorn, Broccoli (I know!) and carrots with Hummus. It wasn't like it was a full fledged binge, but I felt myself not being in control and it feels like a runaway freight train when it happens.
I did get on the scale this morning and I am up 4lbs! However, I didn't drink much water yesterday and I had both soup and popcorn. There could be some salt issues playing here.
What it comes down to is this. Why won't I do the things I need/want to do to lose this weight? Why does it always seem that I am purposely doing things to sabotage myself or keep myself at this weight? I think a lot of it stems from my lack of self-worth and self-confidence. In some weird way, I think I believe I don't deserve to be thin and healthy. The stupid thing about that is I know that it's crazy and absurd to believe that...this seems to be a constant struggle with me.
C'mon Kristi, get it right girl!
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