Monday, November 21, 2011
One really great thing that has come out of this tough and difficult year is that I have realized that I haven't "dieted" at all in 2011. I am starting to understand that my weight and health is something I have to focus on each and every day. I am beginning to understand the concept of "lifestyle."
At the same time, I realized this year that I have a very strong emotional tie to food which is often triggered by certain emotions, not all emotions. I know that my biggest problem arises when I am anxious about something. Also, until this year...I have never been able to identify my emotions and never allowed them to come to surface. This is something that was frowned upon on by my family...we weren't really allowed to cry when we were kids, especially around one of my close family members (who is now my boss). I am an adult now. I get to choose how my life is going to be, who I am going to be around, where I am going to work, who can be close to me and what I want to do. About 11 months ago, I know I wasn't able to say that.
Growing up and being responsible for everyone else is a really good way to learn to put yourself last because there are so many others to take care of. I know a lot of mothers can identify with that, the funny thing is...I am not a mom. I was raised to take care of my brothers so the grown ups could go out and have fun. I know it wasn't fair, but it is my past. I know that I don't have to do that anymore. It's just hard to put yourself first when you feel selfish or arrogant for caring about yourself. That is something that I am working on, it's not going to change overnight. At least now, I am aware of it.
This past weekend was my 15 year high school reunion. Of course I was anxious about it, especially since I had gained about 30 pounds since hs and was never thin to begin with. The one really nice thing that came out of that night is that I was able to let go of a lot of carp! I got home that night and felt like I was on Cloud 9! It was such a great release of expectations, perceptions, inadequacies, etc. I think I let my old way of thinking go before I got there and just decided I would be open and friendly to everyone. It was a great night and I am so glad that it turned out well (I had planned the event).
2011 is a year that I never want to repeat, but it was also a defining year for me. I am making changes for my future and I am doing what "I" want to do for the very first time in my life! It is scary and exciting all at once and I can't wait for 2012!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
I have been struggling. If you have been reading this blog, you are well aware of that. I hope you don't think I have multiple personalities or anything. I just have two...Me when I am OP (on plan) and me when I am struggling to get back OP! I think we all have those two personalities because weight loss is not easy.
I just got back from a work trip yesterday and had some time to think at the airport. I think... I am battling everything right now because I am not being true to myself and who I am. Over the last two years, I have been trying to figure out who I am and what I want because, despite me being 33, I was still doing everything that everyone else wanted or thought I should do. I was so unhappy with my life and I know it's because it was not my own. To the point that when I made any little mistake, I felt like I was letting myself AND whoever's advice I was following down at that moment.
Good grief Charlie Brown! That is no way to live a life and it was filled with more negativity, shame and potential disappointment than I care to ever live with again. Lesson learned.
I think Clarity can only come in moments. I think if we knew everything we wanted, full picture, we would be overwhelmed, discouraged from doing it or we just might crash and burn immediately. Yesterday I realized a couple of things.
1) I hate my job. After this cadavor course, it was confirmed. I hate my job.
2) I need to find things in life that make me happy and do those things, not what others tell me I should do.
3) My weight is a reflection of my life and my choices.
So now that I know the problems, I can actually find some solutions.
1) I will actively start job hunting this week. There is a job I really want and will apply by tomorrow evening.
2) I love reading, movies, museums, art exhibits, hanging out with my friends, trying new places to eat and spending time with my family. There are a lot of museums in L.A. that I have not been to, or would like to visit again. I think I will start doing that twice a month, even if I have to go on my own.
3) I am going to choose to treat my body with respect by feeding myself in a healthy way and making sure I get exercise each and every day, no excuses. I am going to get my thyroid checked out again (for Hashimoto's as was recommended) and I am going to go to the Chiropractor to have them look at my lower back since it is giving me pain.
2012 can be the best year of my life...if I let it! Have a wonderful weekend everyone!
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
I wasn't supposed to be weighed today, had I known, I would have worn something different. I was in jeans, full jewelry and tennis shoes. Yep....back up again. Ugh! I thought I did fairly well yesterday. Today...I am running out of veggies and I have 5 points left for dinner tonight.
So, what is dinner going to be???
Spaghetti squash (0)
2tsp Olive Oil (2)
Banana if I am still hungry (0)
Then, I am going to Zumba at 8pm tonight! I am just so mad I had to get on that scale. Then, they gave me a sheet as I left with my BMI on it (Yes, I know it's high...I told ya I am on WW trying to lower it) and a note on how to lose weight.
The crazy thing is I was here to get my birth control prescription renewed. I left feeling even worse about myself. Sitting here being frustrated, I wouldn't let myself eat any more until I figured out why I am frustrated and wanting to eat. It's because I am angry. Do doctors think that we don't know we are obese? Do they think that we don't know what healthy eating is? Why has no doctor ever asked me WHY I might be overweight? Or, WHAT is propelling me to make poor decisions? Nope...it's you're fat, here's a sheet cause you're an idiot and don't know what healthy eating is, and you need to exercise.
Duh! I exercise 3-5 times a week, an hour each time. I eat more fruits and veggies than most of my skinny counterparts. I take a multi-vitmin every morning and I don't drink soda (diet or regular) of any kind, just water. I don't keep unhealthy or processed foods in my house and I haven't had gluten (breads, pasta, processed foods) since July this year! AND...despite all that, I am STILL struggling with my weight!
One bright spot in the visit...a nurse clinician told me I should have my Anti-Thyroid checked. She said she had gained 40 pounds and then she pointed to her neck. She had a large horizontal scar across her neck and said that after she had her thryroid problem fixed, she dropped the weight immediately. I have been tested for thryroid issues because my mom and my grandma both have it. But I was only tested for regular thryrod issues, not the anti-thyroid. Thank goodness for that nurse! If it wasn't for her, I might have stopped for Mexican Food after the appointment since it was lunch time. But....I didn't!
Time to get back in the right frame of mind!
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
I have been struggling...there is a lot of change going on in my life...I am moving again (moved in July) at the end of the month, I am going from a 1BD/1BA apt to sharing a condo, I am trying to find a new job and my group of close friends have recently changed. It's a lot and I think it has been reflecting in my eating.
Yesterday, I did well!
I only went over my dailies by 2 points! And, I got 8 glasses of H2O in, as well as a Zumba class. I got on my scale this morning (I know I wasn't going to do that, but its habit) and yesterday I was 223....this morning I was 219.5! Saturday, I was 220, but did damage on Sunday and was up 3lbs! Goes to show just how important each day is.
So, I am stoked that yesterday went well. I wanted to make sure I wrote about it so I could carry it in today. Here's to another great day!
Monday, November 07, 2011
When I weighed in on Saturday, I had gained 3.4 lbs! I had exercised and had been pretty good during the week. The weekend was another story, not horrible, but not good. It always seems when I start exercising, I gain. I am learning to accept that. However, I also learned that if you screw up the weekend, you can kill your weigh in even if you are good during the week.
So, Saturday, I gained. I did okay Saturday, went over my points by about 9...used my weekly points allowance as I knew I would since I was at a baby shower. Sunday....ugh, Sunday. I was a slug most of the day, did do a 4 mile walk and grocery shopping, but that was it. I had a 79 point day! (I usually get 33). I ate the whole thing of hummus with carrots and the rest of my Gluten Free cookies, which was 5 total. But, those easily put me in my 46 points over.
Have you noticed my pattern? I do eat healthy stuff, but I just can't seem to control the portions. It is frustrating for me to, because I know better! So rather than let this snow ball continue, I have decided that I am going to STOP it today! I had a healthy breakfast scramble with 5 servings of veggies and both of my oils for the day. I will make a healthy lunch and I am going to the gym tonight. I will also get my 8 glasses of water in today. (I haven't gotten my water in for almost a week now).
I need to remind myself that this is something I need to do EVERY DAY! I cannot take a "break" on the weekends and mess myself up for the rest of the week and then again on weigh in day. I need to break this habit that weekends don't need to be as OP as the week because that will keep me where I am at, up and down the same 5lbs.
This week, my commitment is to myself. To make myself important and to take care of me because I deserve it.
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