Saturday, October 01, 2011
With every success story in weight loss, one has a turning point. There is usually something that happens, such as a doctor writing the word "obese" on a chart, being made fun of, ending a relationship, etc. I don't feel like that is my story, it is not incident driven for me, but emotionally driven.
Today, while sitting in my meeting, I realized I genuinely DO want to lose weight. I know I want to do it for health reasons, for my family, etc. But, we talked about the path to success. What motivates you to lose? Why are you doing this? And, I went a step further and thought about why I haven't been successful and why my weight has been so stagnant. Well, here are the reasons I want to lose this weight and some are very shallow, I know. Regardless, I think they are all motivating for me.
* I don't want to be the fattest person in the room
* I don't want to be a size 18 ever again, I don't want to be a size 16 (where I am at right now) ever again...I don't want to be 220 every again!
* I want to feel comfortable in my clothes
* I want to be attractive to nice guys, not idiots that treat me like crude
* I want to be successful at weight loss and get to a healthy BMI, I don't want to get on the scale every Saturday morning and see a gain
* I want to put my weight issues behind me because I feel that it is a burden to me in other areas of my life.
* I want to prove to myself that I can do this and I can change my life
* I want to be a role model for others who have tried and tried to lose weight and for whatever reason weren't successful. Helping others is very important to me, but how can I say anything when I am consistently unsuccessful?
Why haven't I been successful?
* I haven't followed the WW plan the way I know I can. I have a lot of room for improvement.
* I am not consistent with my eating or my exercise.
* I know my body. My body requires exercise EVERY day. That is the only way I have been successful in the past.
* I allow myself an inch when I do something good, but actually take a yard instead. I cannot do this, it doesn't give me the results I want.
* My brain, intent and actions are misaligned. I need to have all three things in check to be successful.
* I have to remember that intent is not the same thing as actually doing something. You have to be a do-er!
What can I do TODAY to be on track?
1) Stay within my daily points
2) Drink my water
4) Plan out my dinner/evening since we are going out to eat and to the movies, then drinks after
5) Keep my reasons for losing weight in my purse so that when I am not feeling strong, I can make the best decision in that moment.
My goal for this week is to lose 2 pounds. That is very doable, given my weight.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
EAT LESS, MOVE MORE!
Ha! So...in speaking with a friend last night, I have really been spinning my wheels I have finally realized. I have been trying to figure out this body and things are just not clicking. I am glad I know that I have Celiac's, but the weight should be coming off and its not. So, there is something I am not doing.
Now, I don't have unhealthy food in my house. One, because I know I will eat it and two, if it has wheat in it, it will make me sick. But, I have just been maintaining this weight within a few pounds for the last three months. It is frustrated. I really sat and discussed this with my friend last night and I have been writing in a journal. I am stressed out about my job, not knowing if I am going to make my commissions each month to pay my bills, plus worried that the owner is trying to sell the business and I might end up out on my bum. Each time I have to deal with this stress, I have anxiety, anxiety and worry drive me to food.
Over the last three months it has been pretty intense and that, combined with really poor sleep probably has a little to do with this stagnation. However, I am not going to let this defeat my ability to lose weight. I have been heavy all my life and have been on and off diets for 24 years, I am 33. It's time to get off this roller coaster and just simply learn how to eat properly, not some crazy diet.
So...for the next 94 days (that's how many are left in the year), I am going to follow my WW plan. I will still have to avoid wheat, barley and rye due to my Celiacs, but I am also going to ease up on corn products (I don't need them) and dairy. I will still have my 2 dairy servings, but don't need the extra dairy beyond that, plus it's really hard on my tummy.
So, goals for the next 94 days...
1) Stay within my points for the day
2) Exercise 30 minutes 5-6 times per week, walking preferably
3) 8 glasses of water
4) Do my best each day and recognize emotional vs. physical hunger
5) Make myself important in my own life
Of all the things above, I think #5 is going to be the toughest!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I have been struggling. I have had better days than bad, done more exercise than I have in a long time and have just been going up and down the same few pounds. I found out in early August that I have Celiacs. I have changed my eating dramatically, but still no weight loss.
I picked up a copy of this month's First Magazine, Doctor Oz was on the cover, and they had featured the Blood Type Diet. I have had a few people tell me about this. Well, I bought the book and based on my Celiac's, as well as my likes and dislikes, I had guessed I was blood type O. I did a blood type test last night and guess what? I am O+. Isn't that strange?! I despise coconut (I know people love it, but I can't stand it) and that is one of the things to avoid.
So...I decided that I am going to follow the WW plan with these food modifications as the Blood Type diet helps with what your body can naturally digest and what foods cause you problems with digestions, low or high acid in the stomach, etc. Today will be my first day and I have to clean out the fridge. I am going to miss cantaloupe and cucumbers, but if this helps me budge my weight, I can do without. On another note, I was traumatized by fish as I was forced to eat it...but, I am going to have to give it a go and see what happens. Maybe my adult taste buds will have a different opinion of seafood.
I missed my last two WW meetings, one due to a family thing and the other due to work on a Saturday, and I missed them tremendously! I am excited to go back on Saturday. I have been weighing myself at home and am within my same weight from two weeks again by 2 ounces. So, not too bad. Let's hope the budges...
Oh...and one last thing. This week, I am going to get rid of my scale at the house and rely solely on the WW scale. I am deathly afraid of this, but feel it might be something I can do to help me succeed!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
My friend has been with me for years. At times, she is very helpful. Other times, she is there purely to block me from what I actually need to do. She is a peculiar friend who can often overstay her welcome. I do get frustrated with her from time to time, but have noticed something lately that I never realized before.
She, Procrastination, has been a really close friend of my other friend Diet. Diet and I go way back! We have been best buds since I was 9 years old. I'm not sure why Diet wanted to befriend a 9-year old, but she did. Because my mom was good friends with Diet, I thought, "Well, this Diet must be something good!" Little did I know that Diet would argue constantly with my other friend Self-Esteem. Self-Esteem fought with Diet a lot and it seemed they could never get on the same page. If Diet had won the last argument, Self-Esteem wouldn't show his face. When Self-Esteem won, Diet was out the door. It's so crazy to me why these two couldn't ever be friends. It was really hard for me since I was the one they had in common.
When Diet decided to creep back in again...Procrastination followed. But, I am now seeing with my clear eyes that Procrastination works in two ways. Yes, you know the typical Procrastination and how she can be. But I also noticed that Procrastination had also been secretly blocking me from other things I want in life. She encouraged me when I said things like, "When I am thin, I will be more successful," "When I am skinny, I will find love," "When I can fit into a size 7, I will become a runner," "When I lose this weight, my life will fall into place." Procrastination is a little devil in disguise. Why haven't I noticed this before? Why didn't Diet tell me? They are in cahoots! I just know it!
So, with Diet at bay, Self-Esteem in the wings and Procrastination in full pursuit, I watched the Biggest Loser last night. Yes, I know the show is unrealistic and it's getting repetitive, yada, yada, yada. I like the show, especially in the beginning because those contestants are where I am right now. Somewhere between Week 1 and Week 3, a lightbulb turns on and they seem to kick Procrastination and Diet out the window, welcoming back Self-Esteem. That is what always intrigues me. How did they "get it" all of the sudden and I have been going at this with Diet and Procrastination for like 24 years! And, still haven't gotten it right? What am I doing wrong? How did they make the break and become bff's with Self-Esteem?!
Ding! Lightbulb! I have friends Procrastination and Diet on my shoulder preaching the "shoulds" and I left my friend Self-Esteem about 5 miles behind me on the side of the road. This is the difference. The contestants left Diet and Procrastination down the road and are jogging along with Self-Esteem. What am I thinking?! I picked the wrong friends!
I need to stop allowing myself to believe that everything will be better in life as a thin person. This is not the truth. What is the truth is I will have my health in check, I will have my Self-Esteem in check and my fear about doing a lot of things I want in life will be a little bit less because I won't have to worry about how my weight factors into it. That's it! I am not going to automatically become independently wealthy, fall in love with the perfect man and travel the world just because I lost 80 pounds. That is just ridiculous....
C'mon Self-Esteem, we are leaving these two nut cakes, Diet and Procrastination, behind!
Monday, September 19, 2011
This weekend was jam packed. Friday night had a wedding, then a birthday on Saturday morning then one of my close friends had her baby. Yesterday, I did absolutely nothing. I had a great weekend, except for yesterday.
I am frustrated with my weight and frustrated with my life right now. I am not happy in my job, but the economy does not make it very easy to just move on to something else, especially since I live in L.A. and our unemployment rate just went up to 12.1%. Also, I have been struggling financially. It stinks.
I will say this...I have seen a pattern here. When I struggle financially, my weight goes up. Can we say stress eater?
Last night though...I had a little come to Jesus talk with myself. Basically it came down to this...No one can make my life better but me. No one can change anything in my life or with my body but me. I don't have a fabulous fairy godmother who can wave her wand and make everything okay. It's time for me to step up and face a lot of fears that I have that I have run away from over the years.
The main fears I have...
...Fear of success and fear of failure - Which will get me ONLY stagnation
...Fear of being thin....I don't know any other identity but to be the fat girl
...Fear of making a mess of my life - But, that is better than not living it
...Fear of financial failure - I need to be more frugal with my money and start saving so this fear is not so strong
Life is not easy and weight loss, well in my case, seems to be about everything but weight! I suppose this is why there is no easy cure and no easy way to lose it but to deal with the emotions, triggers, drive, impulses and re-learn how to deal with things in life other than turning to food.
On another note...today is Day 103 - I got up this morning, albeit a little late, but got out and walked for 30 minutes. I do feel better about today.
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