Monday, June 20, 2011
There is no more weighing in, then going crazy with food the rest of the weekend. This is a journey I need to start every morning I wake up, for the rest of my life. I will always have a complicated relationship with food, but it will be MY choice to control food or let my food control me!
My choice is to control what I eat and why. It is no longer an option for me to just give in or tell myself I am going to start tomorrow. Looking at my past, tomorrow has become last week, last week has become last month, last month has become last year and last year has become decades. It stops now! I cannot ride this roller coaster anymore. It is too hard to start and stop. It is much easier to just keep going once you get going and I am going!
I won't let myself go to that negative place, as nothing good ever becomes of it. I will stop telling myself, "It's not fair," "I'll just have one..." "This happened because of your weight," "I'm not good enough," "I'll always be fat," and every other excuse, put down and bit of criticism I have told myself over the years. It's not productive and only makes me feel horrible about myself.
I will replace that negative talk with "I can do this" "I will do this," "Just focus on today," "You made a good choice," "Good for you for sticking to plan today," "Drink some water," "If hunger isn't the problem, food isn't the answer," and so on.
I know it will not be easy. But, I am ready to claim the life I imagined!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I have been thinking a lot lately...there is a lot in my world that is not what I had intended for my life. I have realized that I have allowed a lot of other people to heavily "influence" decisions in my life. A lot of this has to do with why I am still carrying 80+ pounds of weight with me.
I work for family and have for the past 4 years. I am in sales and I am not happy, even though I do well. It is difficult to work for family, I knew that going in. In fact, the day I accepted the job, I called my best friend and cried. I knew then it wasn't what I wanted, but figured I would need to give it a go and make the best of it. Four years later I am miserable and feel trapped with financial obligations. I have gained (and kept) about 15 pounds in 4 months (Oct-Jan) and my stress level is through the roof. I gave my power away by taking this job I didn't want. I started and ended a relationship the second year of working here..which...I became a victim of sexual violence. I'm glad I was smart enough to tell a white lie and get out of the relationship. I now realize what a traumatic experience that was...and that I had surrendered my power once again. I have learned. But, I also know that I used food to cope.
I feel as though I am at a cross roads. I have been thinking of moving to NYC for years, because it was always something I have wanted to do. since I was in high school. Over the last year, I realized that my home will always be Southern California. However, over the last week or so...I know I have to make a change. I can't go on like this anymore, it's not helping me, I'm not happy and I want control of my life again.
I think it is time to take a Reboot Break.
My lease is up on my apartment in August and I am thinking of going to NYC for a few months to focus on getting healthy, meaning...my weight, my emotional health and finding my passion in life. Financially, I think I can swing it if I can find a roommate or something. It would be a little tight, but I could find a part-time job for spending money and groceries. As much as I don't want to, I can move in with my parents (I am 33) for a month in December, and then take my trip to New Zealand and Australia for about 2 weeks. It would give me a new starting point in January to find a job that I love and open up new possibilities for me.
I think this is the right thing to do for my health and well being, but I will be honest...
Thursday, June 09, 2011
So, was it just ONE week of good OP?
That's what it started to feel like this week...But, I tracked everything and am exercising the extra points off that I took in on Sunday and Monday. I under estimated pizza...a take and bake one from Target. I used the average points in the book, but when I went to throw the box away, realized the NI was on the side in very tiny writing, in very light ink. I thought because it was a deli item that it didn't have the NI, not even looking for it. Well... that pizza ended up being 10pts+ per slice!
I got a little depressed after realizing this, since I had been eating it for 2 days, both lunch and dinner. I was discouraged because I thought I did well...when in actuality, I had gone way over. Plus I had used most of my 49 points on Saturday by rewarding myself with food. Note to self: Old habits die hard. Needless to say...Lesson learned.
So, right now, I am in the clear as long as I go to my Zumba class tonight and my kickboxing class tomorrow, and I stay within daily points for both days. I think I am just a little discouraged too because I got on the scale this morning and it's showing I am up 3lbs! I know weight can fluctuate, but discouraging nonetheless. I need to learn to step on the scale ONCE a week, instead of once a day...
I got to remember not to toss the weekend out the window, it is self sabotage!
Saturday, June 04, 2011
This was a difficult week for me, I really tried extremely hard to be OP. And, I was! And, guess what? I am down 2#'s this week! I am so excited! This is a HUGE deal for me, since I have gained about 17 lbs since October 2010. I still continued going to meetings, but was just discouraged over and over again. It wasn't until last week (see previous post about negative comments) that I took my head out of the sand. I think what was happening was this...
I would start out on Saturday (my WI day) with the best intentions, but somehow, by Monday or Tuesday, I was in the red with my WPA. I spent the rest of the week trying to dig myself out of the hole, but never quit got there. Because I was actively trying, I assumed I was OP. I noticed last Sunday, that, geez, Kristi...you are NOT OP. Yes, you are trying, but you seemed to have made up your own plan where -40 WPA was a good week. That is not WW.
So, this week I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and said, "I am sticking to program." After a few days, I realized I COULD do this, this COULD work for me. By Thursday, I started feeling much better about myself and even got to the gym! On Friday, I was feeling even better and worked my way through my first kickboxing class in 6 months! I died the whole time because I have gotten so out of shape, BUT, I finished! That was what was important.
This morning, our leader had told us about a 5k that a member planned for our center this morning before the meeting. I did it! Even though I have done other 5k's before, I never got a charm. So, today I earned my 5k charm! I'm so excited! Also, my WW friend who I haven't see in a while returned. I was so glad to see her!
I am one happy girl! Here is to another good week to getting myself one step closer to my goal!
Thursday, June 02, 2011
I was talking with a friend last night and she was listening to me about my job. It's been a rough go, but it is not the job I had always wanted, nor is it even in the field I had wanted. She was asking me, "What would you like to do?" That is the hardest question for me to answer because I feel like I don't know. I think I do want to work in TV/Film, which is what one of my degrees is in, I also have a Masters in Business. I think I know, but am afraid to go for it because there are going to be so many hurdles to climb, my weight included. The TV/Film industry is not so accepting, even off camera, I found this out first hand as I have worked in the industry for a bit as an undergrad.
What stuck out to me is this...she said, I think you feel like you have no control. You don't have control over your work, over your free time, over your life or over your weight. She also said that I am trying to fit myself into a category, like a round peg in a square hole. She said things are changing now and jobs are not traditional.
Now, don't get me wrong. She was dead on in every single thing she said. However, here was the zinger..."Don't be afraid to be who you are." Man! I am still blown away by that! I am a roung peg with no control because I gave it away. I need to take it back and be the person I am, with control over my weight, my work, my free time AND my life!
Kristi, this is your life! Don't allow others to chose it for you!
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