Sunday, May 29, 2011
Last night, we went out and I live in Southern California. We were in the Hollywood area and had fun, then were walking back to the parking structure. On our way back, I got two comments made to me, well one was directly made to me and the other was aimed at either me or my friend. But, I think it was me since I am bigger than she is.
The first comment was made by a guy walking with another younger guy and he kinda jokingly asked me to sleep with him, although those weren't the exact words. (I'm being mindful here). This bothered me because I think he just saw me as a big girl that would be desperate or willing to be with anyone because of my weight. This I just brushed off and kept going. It's the second comment that made me feel horrible...
I have been struggling with my weight forever and I know I am not thin. I get that. I thought I looked nice, made sure that my outfit was hiding what I thought needed to be hide and it was simple, jeans, heels and a black top. We walked passed these street people, and I hear a comment, "what about that big girl right there..." and they all started to laugh. It was not pleasant moment, I know being in L.A. I am judged more harshly than in other cities, but c'mon! Street people have the right to make comments and others can join in the laughing because of my weight?! Really?!
This made me upset and what did I really want to do? Eat...and something not good for me. But, I stopped and made myself think on the drive home...why am I upset? First, because people are judging me just on how I look. Second, because I am letting these people that don't mean a thing to me affect how I feel about myself. And, third, because my response was to eat initially, perpetuating a cycle that got me here in the first place. It's udder ridiculousness! So...I decided, am I hungry, I was. I came home and had an Earth grains sandwich thin, with 1 tbsp of peanut butter and a banana. I am proud of that moment, but saddened by the fact that I had let those negative comments into my head.
This is so not easy and every day I am struggling with my weight, body image, self confidence and self worth. I think the image above is very reflective of how I think of myself, but put a size 14/16 girl where the thin girl is and the girl in the reflection is a size 26/28. This is going to be a struggle for me each and every day of my life.
I think I now know that I just need to remind myself to get through one day at a time.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
This weekend I attended a leadership training. It ended up being more of a personal growth workshop than anything. One thing that they said, really stuck out to me because it was related to my struggle with weight. They told us that often times we tell ourselves a "story" about ourselves. Often we hear it over and over and believe it. In fact, we recruit others to tell us what we want to hear.
Some of the stories that came out of the group was, "I'm not smart enough," "I'm the only one here that doesn't understand," "I don't know who I am," "I'm not a leader..." and so on. What I thought about myself when hearing this is that I tell myself a story too. My story goes something like this, I'm fat, I will always be overweight, I don't understand why this isn't working (knowing full well I didn't stick to program), I will never get thin so I might as well eat, I'm ugly because I'm fat, I'm not worthy of love because I'm fat, other people should be treated better than me because I'm fat, I don't deserve ____ because I'm fat....and the list goes on.
What I am now realizing is that I have received feedback from society that some of these things could be viewed as true. For instance, I am not worthy of love because I'm fat...Well, I have had many men in this world make negative comments about me because of my weight. These comments confirm this statement. However, I know I AM worthy of love, regardless of my weight. I do not love my heavier friends any less, why would I not have a chance at love too? I know that a lot of these stories I am telling myself are somehow working for me on some level, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this over and over, year after year. What I need to figure out is what need is this feeding? What do I get out of it? How can I change this?
Weight loss is so much more than food. I wish more people in this world understood this.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Yesterday, I had intended to do A LOT of work around the house. Well, I did get to the Farmer's Market for strawberries, but when I got home I started watching a movie. Then, fell asleep. Then, was a couch potato the rest of the day. I didn't do anything and I wanted to, but felt compelled to stay on the couch. What was up?
I realized this morning that I didn't want Monday to come. I really dislike my job and have a terrible manager right now that is just horrible. Not only did he ask me why I wasn't married, but he was upset I didn't hug him. He is super inappropriate and I tried to set that straight when we had an argument, or "conversation." I really don't like this guy, not to mention he is a micromanager. It's very frustrating.
What it comes down to is that I need to find a job that I look forward to, not dread every Sunday...I need to be able to work around this guy and just move on. But, I think everything is magnified right now because I am not happy and I am unhappy with my body. It's crazy how ones body image, confidence and self-worth is so intertwined with everything else in ones life.
I need to lose this weight, I need to find a job that I can be successful with and that I can be happy in. I need to start making decision in my life and not letting other things or people guide my life as I have done in the past. Something needs to change because this is not a life I can live much longer...I will just end up quitting and being without work...That's not an option for me.
Time to take life by the horns!
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Today, I did well! I am at 1650 calories, which is about 100 calories less than where my target it...but it is a lot lower than the last few days. I am excited about that.
I guess I am realizing I need to take this ONE day at a time and recognize or acknowledge the days I do well. Over time, they will become more and more frequent. It will not be easy, it will bore me at times, it will get tough, I will get tired and it will be anything but easy. But, I know that know and just not the kind of know where you nod your head. I KNOW that now!
I think there are many of us that need to realize that the weight loss will take time, it won't be consistent drop over time and we will have setbacks. It's what we learn from all of this and how we teach ourselves to do differently by practicing new habits consistently.
Easy, no. Rewarding, yes.
Today is the first GOOD Day I have had...
Thursday, May 12, 2011
On Monday, I was ready to start again....Tuesday, I started to slip and yesterday was terrible! Today, so far so good...But, what happened between Monday and today?!
I have been thinking about this because things are just not working out how I planned them. What I think I am noticing is that anxiety (or worrying) is a huge problem for me and my automatic response is to eat. It is the soothing thing for me. Also, I have been reading a Geneen Roth book and something she said made total sense. She said if you are distracted while eating, you can finish something without even tasting it. I do that! I noticed the TV has this effect on me. If I am eating in front of the TV or computer, I finish and it's like I didn't even have something to eat.
How is this possible? It's a really strange phenomenon to me because I was there, but it is almost like I wasn't. How can that be?! This is something totally new to me because I don't think I have ever thought about it. After doing this for a couple of days, I see (because I tracked every last bit of it) what a negative impact it has on my diet. I am also seeing what a negative impact it has on my life and my attitude. It makes me want to just give up...but I can't. I want to deal with this once and for all. So, discovering things like this is important. Now, to figure out how to recognize when I do this BEFORE I do it and to learn other coping mechanisms to anxiety and stress.
Why does losing weight have to be so hard?!
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