Monday, May 09, 2011
My birthday is coming up this Friday. I keep thinking about it as I am another year older, yet dealing with the same issue (my weight) for what will now be 24 years! This is ridiculous. I have been asked several times over the last few days..."What do you want for your birthday?" I was thinking about this question while sitting in traffic on the way home...
In thinking about this...a couple of things have come to mind.
1) What do I (ME) want for my birthday? Not what would be something easy to say, or what would make my family happy to buy...or not answering "Nothing." What do I actually want?
2) I want to be thin. I want to be healthy. I want to walk into any clothing store and have whatever I bring into the fitting room actually FIT! I want to leaving the fitting room without feeling horrible and depressed about my body.
3) I want to learn how to be healthy and work that into my life. I want to change my life completely because I am not happy right now. This is definitely a reason contributing to my weight issue. It's a vicious cycle that I want out of. Eat, depressed, not happy in job, eat, depressed, not happy with love life, eat, depressed, depressed even more about weight. I need off that train!
What I want to give to myself as a gift this year is to start taking care of myself and making me important. I want to put myself on the top of my list, not at the bottom where I have been for the last 24 years. Everybody is not MORE important than me...where did I get that from?
I have noticed over these last four months that even though my weight has been stagnant or upward...I have been noticing more and more when I eat and why I eat. I have also been noticing that my body has problems that I never realized because I would just keep working around them, bypassing the pain and uncomforableness with pills and pepto. It's ridiculous. I just went to the dentist, made an eye appt (which I haven't had in 3 years) and a doctors appt to figure out what is wrong with my digestive system.
In the mean time, what am I going to do everyday to give myself this new gift of care? Each day I will...
1) Stay within my points/calories
2) Drink 6-8 glasses of water
3) Exercise, even if it's only 10 minutes
4) Learn how to manage my stress
5) Learn to say No to more people
6) Do things I want to do in life, not what everyone expects of me
7) Learn balance work, so that I have SOME free time every day and on the weekends
8) Learn how to integrate dining out into my healthy lifestyle
9) Prepare for the next day, the night before, lowering my stress level
10) Sleep! Get at least 7 hours of sleep each night
This list may seem really short to some people and seem pretty obvious, but these are the things I am having trouble doing often and consistently in my life. Overall, I think I am healthy, but what I am realizing is that I put off things that have to do with taking care of me, to do other things for work, family members or customers. I am never the center of any attention. And ironically, I am learning that my weight helps me stay invisible, but my personality is not as such. It's a constant contradiction.
This year, I will take care of me and get one step closer to happiness and living the life I have always wanted.
Sunday, May 01, 2011
I truly believe right now, the universe is trying to tell me something. I keep falling into these situations where I am allowing others, or the world, to tell me about me....as opposed to being confident and knowing who I am. There is a really great quote I heard once, "The world will tell you who you are until YOU tell the world."
I am haunted by this quote because it is so true for me. Growing up and into adulthood, I have allowed others to tell me who I am and I have built my confidence on the comments of others. It's a very delicate confidence to have, that can break with any toss of a stone. I am learning this over and over. I know it also connects to my weight. Because I am heavy, I somehow assume that others (especially thinner others) have more of a right to make a judgement call about me because I am not thin, because I am not the "normal" sized girl, I am more of an outsider because of my weight, I am not attractive because of my weight, I can not be as successful at my job because of my weight...and unfortunately, society has confirmed this to me over and over. It's a hard cycle to break. I know it's not right, but it's is difficult to think otherwise and I have to retrain myself to do so. I'm not at the point that I can do that really quickly, it's still taking me a while to recognize this thought pattern when it's happening.
On the other hand...life is not just chance. I can no longer sit here and let things happen "to" me. I need to make the things I want in life happen for myself. I think because I am not making these decisions, I am living a life that I have allowed to be chosen for me, rather than living the life I have dreamed of. I think I have finally realized, actually realized, that this life, this weight, can be figured out and resolved if I want it to. I have to make a mental decision to do that and it has to be something I renew in myself every morning to fight that old pattern of thinking that has gotten me to where I am in the first place.
This time around with my weight, I am battling these mental demons head on. It's freaking hard and I hate it! But, I also know, it is the one thing that will get me to the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I can lose this weight and the mental baggage that goes with it, and I also know that I will be much happier because of it. I am just in the thicke of it right now and it's hard. Whoever says losing weight is easy is wrong! It's one of the hardest things in the world to do!
But...I will do it and live the life I had imagined!
"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives."
~Henry David Thoreau
Saturday, April 23, 2011
It has been a rough go for me these last few months. I felt as though I was eating the right things, but my body wasn't responding. Today I WI and she told me I gained 0.2. I was so disappointed as two days ago I even started a somewhat gluten free diet. Well, I was entering my weight in my tracker and it told me I lost 1 pound...I thought, this can't be right?! Well, duh! Last week I had to WI as a visitor for the WW systems and I DID lose a pound this week! One pound is equal to one package of butter! Yay!
I am so excited because this is the first loss I have had in months! I think I am going to try keeping a somewhat gluten free diet and keep up with WW. I am so excited beyond belief! I am going to make a healthy breakfast and then go for a walk since it's a beautiful day!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I have been pondering this for quite some time. My digestive system has been going haywire, I think due to stress and I haven't changed my eating habits (except for cutting out cheese and most dairy), but I have been gaining. I think there is something going on here.
Today, looking at my tracker, it's crazy filled with carbs. Its not the best for me, I know this. It's also really hard for me to eat protein as I am not that crazy about it. I was a vegetarian for 7 years, till I got sick...So...maybe this is something I can do. I just need to learn the ropes a little more. My greatest faults are carbs and if eating this way makes me feel a little better, it's so worth it!
If you have any suggestions for Gluten Free products, I would love to hear them!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
I had my WI yesterday and I had gained 1.2...This was not a surprise since I was in a hotel 3 nights out of the week and had to have business breakfasts, lunches and dinners. It was tough! I know I am super dehydrated too...But I realized that life is what you make of it. I am losing a lot of my life to TV shows, tiredness from overworking and feeling carppy about myself because of my weight and lack of physical ability.
I know it's all within my power to change it. I know, for me, this is a mental change that has to happen, followed by learning new skills to cope with emotions and understanding that food will not make everything better. It really is a matter of attitude and right now I am not living the life I had imagined. It's time to change that. I am living life in fear...Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of being made fun of by a certain family member, fear of being thin, fear of getting heavier...there are all these things swimming around in my hear.
I saw Black Swan recently...it's somewhat disturbing. But, I was able to connect with one theme that ran through the film, the desire to be perfect. I grew up dancing and was always told to lose weight. I was thin and at a healthy weight, but they (dance teachers) thought I should lose weight. At 9, I went on my first diet and started to GAIN weight each year after that. What had happened was I was trying to be perfect everywhere else because I thought that would please people, but the only thing I had control (really) over was food. I would eat to make myself feel better, I would eat in anger every time someone called me a name or my dance teacher told me to eat "lettuce." It was a horrible cycle.
Somehow in adult life, I have carried this with me. I am an adult now, and I have the power to chose what food I eat and what I don't eat. What I need to get rid of is the diet mentality I have developed over the last 24 years! It won't be easy, but I am ready.
I am ready to live the life I imagined!
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