Saturday, March 12, 2011
Well, I am exactly the same this week, down to the ounce. I guess I am glad I maintained, but at the same time I am frustrated that I didn't lose. But, it's not a gain. So, overall mixed feelings...
However, MY BIG WIN this week is that I wasn't going to go WI because I thought I would be the same and felt like I was going nowhere. What I realized after attending my meeting is that I need to WI no matter what and stay for the meeting no matter what. It does me a lot of good emotionally and mentally. I am ready for this week, despite all the business travel, and if I wasn't on program I know I would be 10 pounds heavier right now.
Weight loss is entirely a mental issue and doesn't really have much to do with food for most of us. What I am realizing is that it definitely is a coping mechanism. Some people use drugs, some people use alcohol, some people use love, some people use relationships or drama, some people use anger and then...there are some of us that use food to cope with emotions and stress. I know now that what I need to learn is to cope with things in a healthy and less destructive way, the weight loss will follow when I do.
I wish it wasn't so hard to do...but 32 years of learning how to take care of myself through food is going to be difficult to unlearn. I know that now. I also know, my mind is the most powerful took I have and if I believe I can do it, I will.
Sunday, March 06, 2011
Last night I went out with friends. I was late, partly because I didn't want to go and partly because I was letting my food obsession get in my way. I wanted to go for my friends' birthday, but I have been feeling fat (and in my head, I have been trained that when someone calls me fat, it means ugly) and didn't want to go. I procrastinated by eating and we were supposed to go to dinner! But, certain foods have been upsetting my stomach and part of me didn't want to go through that with everyone around.
Anyways...towards the end of the night, I was bored and ready to go. I was actually ready about an hour before, but stayed. I was sitting on the bench and thinking, "I'm done, I don't want to be here." And then, I decided to leave even though it was kind of abrupt. But, this was HUGE for me...I never do anything I want to do, I do what I think everyone else wants me to or what I think I am supposed to do. So, this was a breakthrough for me.
This morning, there were pics on fb and I look HUGE! My arm is bigger than some of their heads! (I will crop everyone out and post it because I need to for me). Sitting at my computer this morning gave me time to think. Also, I didn't have to be anywhere today for the first time in months, so I thought about that picture. I am embarrassed of it, but more importantly, I'm embarrassed of where I allowed myself to go with my weight.
It was me who chose to eat, me who chose to not exercise, me who chose food over dealing with my emotions. I'm not going to beat myself up because I think I have done that enough over the years and my current weight is the result of that. But, I can choose differently today. I can choose to be healthy and treat myself with love and kindness. I can choose to exercise and love myself by taking good care of myself. If I had a pet, I know it would get more love than I give myself and what I need to realize is that I am the only one who can change MY life. There is not someone out there that is going to take care of me but me.
I know I have come to this conclusion many times over the years, but I never followed it up with action. That has been a problem for me. I can talk the talk, but the walk was what ultimately lead me to be over 200 pounds. Also, most of my friends have always been thin, they don't understand how this is a struggle for me. I know it's hard for a thin person to relate to, but I am fortunate and I have a few that, even thought they have never struggled, they are supportive and have an open ear for me. I love that.
I also realized that I have a friend who I am a little mean to at times, but have finally realized why. He is one of those guys that looks at people and if they are heavy, makes assumptions and thinks that they just need to "stop eating", that they are pigs more or less, and that will take care of everything. He can be very shallow and has made comments in the past, but he does try to be mindful of me. I know he just doesn't understand but it pisses me off that people can be that way. Just because you don't understand something, doesn't mean that you write it off as wrong or make fun of it. You should learn more about it, if anything. I do feel bad for being mean to him, but at the same time, I guess he represents that ignorance and hurtful person to me in my mind. It doesn't mean that I should reciprocate his behavior though, I need to rise above. At the same time, there is a guilty part of me that agrees with him because I did put myself here.
My point in writing this is to remember what I was thinking and feeling when I made this conscious decision to change my life. It has to come from me and I have to do the work. I think posting that picture will also give me a sense of vulnerability and exposure I usually shrink away from. Trying to hide a problem won't make my weight go away, denying that I'm fat won't make me thin and being on WW doesn't mean that I am making an honest effort either. The only thing that is going to make a difference is to sit down, deal with my emotions when they come up and to make sure my calories in are less than my calories out.
I don't want this life to be my life anymore. I want something more.
Friday, February 25, 2011
I think I just found another part of the puzzle! I snack way, way, way too much! Today, I am going to have my breakfast, my lunch and my dinner. If I am starving, I will have a banana or an apple. I need to learn how to get through the day, and especially the night, without my hand going to my mouth constantly. It is a very bad habit that needs to break.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Someone on the WW boards asked tonight, What is your biggest hurdle and how are you dealing with it. I was super surprised at my response and wanted it to be on my blog so I can remember where my head was at this time. I'm thoroughly convinced that weight loss is a mental task, not just a diet. I think people who have never been heavy have a very difficult time understanding that, and understanding why some of us are afraid at times.
"I'm struggling right now too...My biggest problem is learning how to deal with stress and eating mindlessly at night.
It's hard, but every morning, regardless of what happened yesterday, I just aim to make that day good.
I think somewhere in there, I'm afraid to succeed. I have never been thin and I'm afraid of it because it's almost as if I will lose my identity. Sounds silly when you say it, but it feels real...."
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Last night, I had dinner with four of my friends. It was our little bookclub. I actually told them that I was on Weight Watchers. That was a big step for me! I don't think I told but 2 friends my entire life that I was dieting. It made things so much easier for me and I felt much more satisfied with my choices because I wasn't coming up with some bum reason why I didn't want to eat more.
They just understood. They asked me if I wanted another glass of wine, I thanked them and said "no. I have had enough points in wine tonight, but thanks!" I got a little laugh from them, but they accepted it and didn't push back. It was so nice to have that and so nice to have the understanding.
I don't know why I didn't do this earlier, my friends are great and super supportive! I think this will help me on my journey.
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