Thursday, November 12, 2009
Yesterday was great! Then, I came back from my therapy session and ended up binging. I don't know what was happening, but I did have a rough session. I'm thinking that maybe all of the emotion was a bit much and I turned to food to console myself. A better choice would have been to go to the gym or take a walk. I know that, but didn't do it. In the moment I knew it was not a good decision, I tried to stop myself three times, but gave myself permission to return to bad habits. This is a learning experience and today is another chance to make a better choice when that feeling comes up again.
So far today, I have done well. Although, I did eat some cookie dough (2 servings) but tracked it into my day. Eventually, I would like to get through the day without sweets and it will happen, but will take time. I need to pay attention to what is going on emotionally, so I can change those physical habits that have contributed to my weight. It is so hard and tiring and draining! I feel like I am displaced in my own body and each day is a struggle. It will get easier, I know. I just have to work through this right now. It feels like I am walking through knee deep mud. I am not used to emotions, pretty much at all. That is sad to say about myself, but I am trying to change.
I think that if I start to wander into the kitchen tonight (yes, it's mostly at night), then I will do one of three things:
2) Blog/Boards at Sparkpeople
3) If all else fails, take a shower because food never goes into the bathroom!
I wish this were easier and I wish I didn't have so much of my self worth tied into my weight. It is more exhausting than any exercise I have ever done!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
So far, breakfast was a success. I leave for Europe in 44 days! I would love to go and be about 20 pounds lighter. I am not sure how doable that is, but I can try! I just need to remember to work out each day for at least 30 minutes and do make sure I stay under 1500 calories. Sounds simple, but there are challenges around me all the time. I need to make sure that I am making the best choice for me. What is going to make me successful? What is going to make me happy?
Friday, November 06, 2009
Yesterday, I was doing so well and I was within my calorie range. I wanted to eat something and I knew I wasn't hungry. I avoided it for about an hour...then I ate like a whole bag of Pirate Booty. Yes, caloric air! I was disappointed and was thinking about why I did this. Was it procrastination, boredom....what was it? I did eat it while in front of the TV which is bad. Mindless eating is not a good thing.
I was thinking about someone I know that has really bad teeth this morning. Then came to the conclusion that this person doesn't really take care of themselves. A light bulb went on in my head! When healthy people meet me, they probably think the same thing! So, is being overweight because you're not taking care of yourself similar to having bad teeth because you're not taking care of your teeth? I think there is a parallel here. Both results are visual that other people can see and both can be prevented. Also, both can have potential genetic or medical reasons for a portion of the problem, but prevention and good health will make the result less prominent. When I thought about this, I was just shocked at myself. What have I been doing to me all of these years? Why did I think it would be okay? Was it okay because I don't care or value myself? Why didn't I realize this before?
This morning, after having this epiphany, I decided I am not going to treat myself poorly anymore. I am going to take care of myself and do the things I need to do to make myself a better, more healthy person. That includes putting good food into my body and exercises my body to keep things running at their best.
If I have issues tonight, I will turn to alternatives such as blogging, reading, walking, cleaning, laundry, anything but the TV. That seems to trigger old behaviors. In fact, I think I should limit my TV time each week. There are only a few shows that I like to watch anyhow.
Considering limiting TV time to:
Monday - None
Tuesday - Biggest Loser (1 hour)
Wednesday - Top Chef (1 hour)
Thursday - None
Friday - Diet Tribe (1 hour) & Ghost Whisperer (1 hour)
Saturday - None
Sunday - Watch my Netflix movies (2) for the week (3-4 hours)
Total TV Time: 7-8 hours per week
P.S. I bet you I will have new found time on my hands to do other things!
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Looking back over the past year, I have not really dropped any weight. Although, I feel I have been on a diet like never before. What gives? I decided to keep my WW account and weigh in each week. However, I am going to stick to my Sparkpeople calories and stay below the recommended 1560 each day. I am also going to get 30 minutes of exercise each day, no matter what.
Why I have to state this over and over is irritating. I know I am saying it so I will believe it. I am not taking care of myself because I don't feel I am worth it. It is this stupid cycle I have myself in and I need to get out of it. As I would tell anyone of my friends, you are beautiful, you deserve every happiness and you will figure a way to make it all happen. Now if I could only follow my own advice! Easier said than done, but I will take it one day at a time. One moment at a time!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I restarted WW about 4 weeks ago. I started again at 208.8! I am now down to 201. That is great but I have been having issues the last few days. Anxiety and procrastination are my driving forces to eating bad foods. I need to deal with the emotional issues attached to my weight for once and for all.
I researched counselors and found one. I sent an email last night and am supposed to have a phone consultation today. I am a little nervous and scared, but know that this is probably the best thing for me. I am not sure how I am going to pay for it, but I will work it out. I think this is the component of the plan that I never planned for. I truly don't think weight is strictly a matter of just eating too much. I think the overeating is definately linked to emotions and how we deal with those emotions. It also seems pretty evident even when it is played out on television, i.e. Biggest Loser.
I hope this goes well and I hope that I am making the right decision. Will keep you posted.
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