Wednesday, July 22, 2009
So, I did well yesterday. I had a salad with dinner and went to kickboxing. Whoa! I think that might have been a mistake. I think the tomatoes I ate last night in my salad were not good. Needless to say, I spent the night feeling miserable and unfortunatley threw up a lot. I don't know how bulimic people do that! That is one of the worst things in the world and it feels horrible!
I feel much better this morning, thank goodness! And, I am actually down 2.5. I am taking with a grain of salt thought because I think it had more to do with the food poisoning than anything else. Although, I was at 1457 calories yesterday and did make it through a 50 minutes kickboxing class. We were supposed to stay the last 10 minutes for strectching and abs, but there was no way I could have stayed because of the way I was feeling. Also, it was like 200 degrees in there and that didn't help any! I could have passed out from the heat!
Today is going to be a good day I think and I am learning more and more about myself as each day passes. I need to find a strategy for evening because that's when I tend to eat and I think it is because I start feeling a little sense of anxiety about work and the things I need to do, about homework I haven't started and don't feel like doing and a feeling that I don't do anything for me, that it's all for everyone else.
The one thing I need to realize is that healthy eating and exercise is doing something for me! It is the best thing I can do to improve my health and well-being.
Monday, July 20, 2009
I am starting a new today. Yesterday, I had a huge emotional breakdown. What I have realized is that no weight loss program (WW, Jenny Craig, etc) is going to solve my issues with food. I am having these problems because of underlying emotional problems. Unfortunately, a lot of it stems from my childhood and has been cultivated even more in my adult life.
Yesterday, I realized that I have been living my life for others. I do things to please others, totally ignoring the things that I want to do. I guess it just hit me like a dump truck yesterday because I have been doing this for 31 years! I am using food to avoid, postpone or drown out my feelings. Which, is stupid. But, it is a habit I have learned and reinforced my entire life. Now, its time to figure out what is it that I want...what is it that I enjoy....what is it that makes me happy?
I seem to have lost myself somewhere along the way and I am a kind of a shell of my former self. It is not good. So, I really need to take it one day at at time. I am going to finish my next two weeks of Jenny Craig and then I am going to use Sparkpeople exclusively. If I pay for anything else that has to do with my weight, it is going to be therapy!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Today, I am at about 1900 calories. Yes, it's more than my intended 1600, but less that my norm. I caught myself in the kitchen close to 7 times tonight wandering about, looking for food. It wasn't food I was truly wanting though. Frustration, anger, procrastination and the simple fact that I don't know what to do with myself if I am not munching on something and watching tv. That is terrible, I know.
However, it is how I feel. I need to stick to my plan for the day and when I get to 1500 calories, I need to stop. I need to think about what I am doing and what I am really looking for in the fridge. Chances are, its not edible.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
So, yesterday, I kinda threw in the towel. Because I have been on "diets" for most of my life, I still know I didn't make as poor of choices as I could have. Regardless, it was not the best decisions I could have made. I went out with friends last night for the first time in a long time. I had a great time and I got to dance, something I truly love to do! It was great!
So I woke up this morning and thought to myself, what am I doing? I had just seen a movie with Debra Messing and the quote was something like, "Every girl has the love life she wants." And I thought about it a little more...what if, "Every girl has the body that she wants?" And, as the movie showed, the quote was true. We stray aware from what we are afraid of and continue to lie to ourselves because it is easier to fall into old habits than to venture out and develop new ones.
I think the same may be true when it comes to body image. I have forever avoided many emotions (and tasks, thank you procrastination) by eating. Eating to do something else and avoid my tasks or eating to feel full rather than feel angry, upset, sad, frustrated, you name it. This behavior has resulted in a 200 lb body that I don't feel comfortable in. But, it is what I have taught myself to do and old habits die hard.
I decided this morning that I don't want to do that anymore. I had a great morning food wise and was actually getting some things done at the same time. Then, I got a call from my parents and found out my grandma was in a really bad car accident and was in the hospital. After hanging up, I found myself in the fridge reaching for consolement from a box of Little Debbies. I was just about to open the new box and thought, "What am I doing?" This just goes to show that my habits formed are not good ones and that I have a problem dealing with emotions.
I put the box back (not eating anything) and sat down on the couch. I thought about what I was doing and that my grandma was in the hospital with a broken body. Then, I thought I am sitting here, single-handedly destroy my perfectly good body. I am reinforcing my false belief that I am not important enough, I am not worthy enough of taking care of myself. It is totally ridiculous. When did I start believing I was such a horrible person and not of value? I think a lot of it stems from my dance studio experience and that I have been told my body is wrong from the time I was 2-1/2 years old. Something like that can definately mess up your self being.
Realizing this, I decided to just eat my planned Jenny Craig food for the day. Besides, I am paying them to help teach me what I should be eating. I am not paying this money to cheat and be in the same place I was when I started. What was I thinking? Why am I nice to others but incrediably horrible to myself? I think I justify it by saying I don't "deserve" being happy, being thin, etc...then rectifying it by saying I "deserve" that Little Debbie, that small bag of chips, that piece of chocolate. This makes no sense! I am a smart girl, how am I buying my own cr*p???
Today will be the first day that I follow the Jenny Craig plan correctly. I just need to take it one day at a time and be nice to myself. I am also going to get at least 20-30 minutes of exercise each day. It doesn't have to be at the gym sweating it out heavily or even running 2-3 miles. It can be as simple as walking outside for 30 minutes. I live by the ocean, it can't be that bad! The good thing is that I am realizing this...the better thing is that over the last few weeks I have been making progress. It makes a difference.
This weeks goal is to take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. Don't focus on how far I have to go, but rather what I need to do at this moment to take care of myself and be a healthier person.
Get An Email Alert Each Time SHELLE13 Posts