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I Stopped Dead in My Tracks!

Sunday, July 05, 2009

I was feeling bored, very anxious and worried. What did I do? I went to the fridge. I was about to eat something and realized what I was doing. I stopped, became very upset with myself. Stuck a piece of gum in my mouth and started some hot water to make tea.

This eating thing...it is more than just liking to eat. For me, it is stopping me from feeling anything and also is stopping me from living the life I have always wanted. This needs to stop...I have the power to change it and for whatever reason, I haven't. I really think counseling is what I need to include in addition to healthy eating and exercise. I have tried every program on the market, but it's not the program that isn't working. It's my mental issues with food that is blocking my success. I don't take care of myself...and it's disheartening to say it, but I don't care about me enough. I always put others first and myself last. Instead of letting myself be angry, upset, bored, procrastinating, anxious or any other feeling, I eat to make myself feel full. Full is not a true emotion, it is not a feeling.

Who am I kidding here but myself? I need to somehow realize that I am important t0o, that I matter, that my thoughts & feelings are valid, that others are not always better than me. Where did I learn this? Why did I learn this? It's ridiculous and I know it is even as I am typing it. But this is what I am feeling right now. If I don't acknowledge it, it will never change.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DELLA63 7/27/2009 1:04PM

    AMEN .... I feel exactly the same way. it sound like you're half way there, you see what you are doing to yourself. like me however, you have trouble with the self control, and when you cave, it just makes you feel even less worthy.

keep up the good work ... you are an inspiration. I may just have to join you at JC !!

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MICHARM 7/6/2009 12:03AM

    I'm hearing you...you are hearing yourself. that is good! Now, you should follow your own advice and seek out someone to listen to you. Admitting you have an issue is the first step! You are doing great because so many people do not realize why they are doing something and they keep repeating the same behaviour over and over again! you can stop this cycle because you realize you are doing it! Maybe you don't know why you do it, but a counsellor may be able to assist you with that part.
I am proud of you!!!!

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No Regret...Yet!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

I started Jenny Craig on Tuesday afternoon. Yesterday was my first full day and I even went to an Angels game. I got on the scale this morning and was down FOUR pounds! I can't believe it! Today has gone well so far. I haven't had a chance to exercise and I have a mid-term at 9am in the morning, then am flying out for a business trip and won't be back until Monday night. Bummer!

I am a little nervous about what to do while I am gone. I was going to try to bring my breakfast and lunches, but I don't have room in my suitcase. Also, it is not going to be too possible for me to be able to eat something other than what they are serving. So, I am going to use my common sense and my knowledge of nutrition and just do the best that I can. That's all I can ask for.

I will avoid the cake that they have and eat only have of what is served. That will keep my portions in control. I am going to try to have as many fruits and veggies as I can. Tuesday is my official weigh-in date. I will let you know how it goes.

  


Okay...I hope I don't regret what I just did!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

So, I was doing great today. Was in my calories range and then...I was sitting in front of the TV and was trying everything I could to not wander in the kitchen. My willpower is not that strong and I ate, just a few at first, sugar wafers. I had one serving. Then...I put them away, then I ate another serving. Then I put them away. Then...I opened the bag of tortilla chips and ate way too many. I don't even know how many serving I had. I can say though, there is still A LOT left in the bag. But, that means that I am at the 2000 calorie range again for like the 4th day in a row. I would do fine, blog and then my need to snack would get the better of me.

So....I was thinking. If I didn't have this food in my house, then I wouldn't eat it. Then, I thought, but how am I going to have food that I should and need to be eating to be healthy without overindulging in things. Now, normally, I don't have tortilla chips or sugar wafers in the house. I am about to start my TOM and I stopped at the store on my way home instead of driving through the fast food joint for lunch. The thing is, I was SO hungry that everything looked good. The weird thing is that when I was paying for it, I felt sad. I think I knew I didn't want or need this, but it is a really hard habit to break.

Now, the thing I might regret. I joined Jenny Craig Direct and cancelled my WW membership. Right now, I am spending about $400 - $500 per month on groceries and another $40 for the WW membership. Jenny Craig will be about $400-$500 per month and I would need to buy my fresh fruits only. It pretty much works out to be the same. And, I don't have to have bad stuff in the house, everything is portioned out so I can keep track of one less thing in my life and I am supposed to have a counselor that I speak to once a week on the phone. This works best for me because my schedule is crazy.

So, I have purchased four weeks of food and it will be delivered to my home on Tuesday. I am still going to use Sparkpeople to blog and track my exercise. I think I might just be having buyers remorse right now, especially since I haven't received an emailed receipt yet and I signed up about 1.5 hours ago. I just need to tell myself, simmer down now!

I will let you know how it goes (even if no one is reading this!).

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DELLA63 7/27/2009 1:00PM

    I'm so glad to have found your blog ... I'm EXACTLY the same as you !!

please keep posting !

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KELLYJOHN03 7/25/2009 12:36PM

  Love your blog!! I was thinking of joining jenny craig too, so please keep your blog going. right now they have a special where you get 1 week of food free. and i'm sure that if i add up my grocery bills, i spend $400 a month also. but i have the same problem, i go to the store and ice cream and cake are on sale-can't pass up a sale on my favs. tried ww and i got bored after a month. love sparkpeople and tracking food has helped...when i was unemployed. now working and get home to cake and ice cream and too tired to exercise.... so regained the 8lbs that i lost while unemployed.
I wish you the best!!

Comment edited on: 7/25/2009 12:39:00 PM

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NIGHTSRAINFALL 6/20/2009 2:16PM

    I was curious about the Jenny Craig diet, but I cannot afford that at this time. I am still curious to how it works / goes. :-)

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WISHER4 6/20/2009 12:59AM

    hi there, just letting u no some1 was reading ur blog,me...
and 2 tell u i think u made a good decision by joining jenny craig, if it stops u buying stuff at the supermarket u will regret buying... so good on u n keep up the good work...

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Not too bad!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

So, I think the last day I tracked food was Friday. It has been a busy weekend...but I was very conscious of what I ate and made the best choices I could for the moment. I don't think I did stellar, but it is also not as bad as it could have been.

But, today...Today was awesome! I just got back from Kickboxing and I feel really good! I ate healthy foods today and when I was exercising, I could totally feel the difference in my body. I didn't feel like it was taking every ounce of effort I could muster, no...instead it felt like I could kick and jab all night! I felt that energy and it was so much better than the way my body feels when I eat poorly or have too many processed foods. Wow, I never thought there would be a difference but there certainly is.

I think that I am going to stick it out one more week with Spark and if I am lose 2 pounds this week, then I will end my WW membership for the time being. Not being a WW, it feels like I am depending on myself more and the expectations are higher. Also, it feels like I am doing it for reasons other than "staying OP." I think I have been a WW for too many years and have developed unhealthy ways to cheat, play games with the scale, etc., etc. Having myself be responsible is something totally new to me. Maybe that's what I need right now...

  


Woohoo! First SUCCESSFUL Day in a Long Time!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

So, yesterday went well! I could have blown it a million times, but I didn't! I stayed under 1550 and I am so proud of myself. Last night I was trying to book a flight online and it took me 5 hours. I was so frustrated because every flight I choose, it would say the fare is no longer available when I choose it. Very frustrating and I wanted to eat. I am an emotional eater and I noticed this last night. I had turned off the light in the kitchen and when I looked over there, I remembered why I had done that. Kitchen is closed. It worked. By midnight though, I can say I was honestly hungry, but I haven't missed a meal in the last year so I figured it wouldn't kill me to not eat for a couple of hours.

I woke up this morning and was a little hungry. That is also a first for me in a long time! I just wanted to share. I am going to make this Day #2 and try to maintain my one-day streak!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NIGHTSRAINFALL 6/11/2009 4:09PM

    Haha, I was going to comment on yesterday's blog saying 'I hope you made it through' but I'm glad to see that you did!

Hopefully you can pull this day through as well! :-)

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