Friday, July 17, 2009
Today, I am at about 1900 calories. Yes, it's more than my intended 1600, but less that my norm. I caught myself in the kitchen close to 7 times tonight wandering about, looking for food. It wasn't food I was truly wanting though. Frustration, anger, procrastination and the simple fact that I don't know what to do with myself if I am not munching on something and watching tv. That is terrible, I know.
However, it is how I feel. I need to stick to my plan for the day and when I get to 1500 calories, I need to stop. I need to think about what I am doing and what I am really looking for in the fridge. Chances are, its not edible.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
So, yesterday, I kinda threw in the towel. Because I have been on "diets" for most of my life, I still know I didn't make as poor of choices as I could have. Regardless, it was not the best decisions I could have made. I went out with friends last night for the first time in a long time. I had a great time and I got to dance, something I truly love to do! It was great!
So I woke up this morning and thought to myself, what am I doing? I had just seen a movie with Debra Messing and the quote was something like, "Every girl has the love life she wants." And I thought about it a little more...what if, "Every girl has the body that she wants?" And, as the movie showed, the quote was true. We stray aware from what we are afraid of and continue to lie to ourselves because it is easier to fall into old habits than to venture out and develop new ones.
I think the same may be true when it comes to body image. I have forever avoided many emotions (and tasks, thank you procrastination) by eating. Eating to do something else and avoid my tasks or eating to feel full rather than feel angry, upset, sad, frustrated, you name it. This behavior has resulted in a 200 lb body that I don't feel comfortable in. But, it is what I have taught myself to do and old habits die hard.
I decided this morning that I don't want to do that anymore. I had a great morning food wise and was actually getting some things done at the same time. Then, I got a call from my parents and found out my grandma was in a really bad car accident and was in the hospital. After hanging up, I found myself in the fridge reaching for consolement from a box of Little Debbies. I was just about to open the new box and thought, "What am I doing?" This just goes to show that my habits formed are not good ones and that I have a problem dealing with emotions.
I put the box back (not eating anything) and sat down on the couch. I thought about what I was doing and that my grandma was in the hospital with a broken body. Then, I thought I am sitting here, single-handedly destroy my perfectly good body. I am reinforcing my false belief that I am not important enough, I am not worthy enough of taking care of myself. It is totally ridiculous. When did I start believing I was such a horrible person and not of value? I think a lot of it stems from my dance studio experience and that I have been told my body is wrong from the time I was 2-1/2 years old. Something like that can definately mess up your self being.
Realizing this, I decided to just eat my planned Jenny Craig food for the day. Besides, I am paying them to help teach me what I should be eating. I am not paying this money to cheat and be in the same place I was when I started. What was I thinking? Why am I nice to others but incrediably horrible to myself? I think I justify it by saying I don't "deserve" being happy, being thin, etc...then rectifying it by saying I "deserve" that Little Debbie, that small bag of chips, that piece of chocolate. This makes no sense! I am a smart girl, how am I buying my own cr*p???
Today will be the first day that I follow the Jenny Craig plan correctly. I just need to take it one day at a time and be nice to myself. I am also going to get at least 20-30 minutes of exercise each day. It doesn't have to be at the gym sweating it out heavily or even running 2-3 miles. It can be as simple as walking outside for 30 minutes. I live by the ocean, it can't be that bad! The good thing is that I am realizing this...the better thing is that over the last few weeks I have been making progress. It makes a difference.
This weeks goal is to take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. Don't focus on how far I have to go, but rather what I need to do at this moment to take care of myself and be a healthier person.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
I was feeling bored, very anxious and worried. What did I do? I went to the fridge. I was about to eat something and realized what I was doing. I stopped, became very upset with myself. Stuck a piece of gum in my mouth and started some hot water to make tea.
This eating thing...it is more than just liking to eat. For me, it is stopping me from feeling anything and also is stopping me from living the life I have always wanted. This needs to stop...I have the power to change it and for whatever reason, I haven't. I really think counseling is what I need to include in addition to healthy eating and exercise. I have tried every program on the market, but it's not the program that isn't working. It's my mental issues with food that is blocking my success. I don't take care of myself...and it's disheartening to say it, but I don't care about me enough. I always put others first and myself last. Instead of letting myself be angry, upset, bored, procrastinating, anxious or any other feeling, I eat to make myself feel full. Full is not a true emotion, it is not a feeling.
Who am I kidding here but myself? I need to somehow realize that I am important t0o, that I matter, that my thoughts & feelings are valid, that others are not always better than me. Where did I learn this? Why did I learn this? It's ridiculous and I know it is even as I am typing it. But this is what I am feeling right now. If I don't acknowledge it, it will never change.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I started Jenny Craig on Tuesday afternoon. Yesterday was my first full day and I even went to an Angels game. I got on the scale this morning and was down FOUR pounds! I can't believe it! Today has gone well so far. I haven't had a chance to exercise and I have a mid-term at 9am in the morning, then am flying out for a business trip and won't be back until Monday night. Bummer!
I am a little nervous about what to do while I am gone. I was going to try to bring my breakfast and lunches, but I don't have room in my suitcase. Also, it is not going to be too possible for me to be able to eat something other than what they are serving. So, I am going to use my common sense and my knowledge of nutrition and just do the best that I can. That's all I can ask for.
I will avoid the cake that they have and eat only have of what is served. That will keep my portions in control. I am going to try to have as many fruits and veggies as I can. Tuesday is my official weigh-in date. I will let you know how it goes.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
So, I was doing great today. Was in my calories range and then...I was sitting in front of the TV and was trying everything I could to not wander in the kitchen. My willpower is not that strong and I ate, just a few at first, sugar wafers. I had one serving. Then...I put them away, then I ate another serving. Then I put them away. Then...I opened the bag of tortilla chips and ate way too many. I don't even know how many serving I had. I can say though, there is still A LOT left in the bag. But, that means that I am at the 2000 calorie range again for like the 4th day in a row. I would do fine, blog and then my need to snack would get the better of me.
So....I was thinking. If I didn't have this food in my house, then I wouldn't eat it. Then, I thought, but how am I going to have food that I should and need to be eating to be healthy without overindulging in things. Now, normally, I don't have tortilla chips or sugar wafers in the house. I am about to start my TOM and I stopped at the store on my way home instead of driving through the fast food joint for lunch. The thing is, I was SO hungry that everything looked good. The weird thing is that when I was paying for it, I felt sad. I think I knew I didn't want or need this, but it is a really hard habit to break.
Now, the thing I might regret. I joined Jenny Craig Direct and cancelled my WW membership. Right now, I am spending about $400 - $500 per month on groceries and another $40 for the WW membership. Jenny Craig will be about $400-$500 per month and I would need to buy my fresh fruits only. It pretty much works out to be the same. And, I don't have to have bad stuff in the house, everything is portioned out so I can keep track of one less thing in my life and I am supposed to have a counselor that I speak to once a week on the phone. This works best for me because my schedule is crazy.
So, I have purchased four weeks of food and it will be delivered to my home on Tuesday. I am still going to use Sparkpeople to blog and track my exercise. I think I might just be having buyers remorse right now, especially since I haven't received an emailed receipt yet and I signed up about 1.5 hours ago. I just need to tell myself, simmer down now!
I will let you know how it goes (even if no one is reading this!).
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