Monday, July 20, 2009
I am starting a new today. Yesterday, I had a huge emotional breakdown. What I have realized is that no weight loss program (WW, Jenny Craig, etc) is going to solve my issues with food. I am having these problems because of underlying emotional problems. Unfortunately, a lot of it stems from my childhood and has been cultivated even more in my adult life.
Yesterday, I realized that I have been living my life for others. I do things to please others, totally ignoring the things that I want to do. I guess it just hit me like a dump truck yesterday because I have been doing this for 31 years! I am using food to avoid, postpone or drown out my feelings. Which, is stupid. But, it is a habit I have learned and reinforced my entire life. Now, its time to figure out what is it that I want...what is it that I enjoy....what is it that makes me happy?
I seem to have lost myself somewhere along the way and I am a kind of a shell of my former self. It is not good. So, I really need to take it one day at at time. I am going to finish my next two weeks of Jenny Craig and then I am going to use Sparkpeople exclusively. If I pay for anything else that has to do with my weight, it is going to be therapy!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Today, I am at about 1900 calories. Yes, it's more than my intended 1600, but less that my norm. I caught myself in the kitchen close to 7 times tonight wandering about, looking for food. It wasn't food I was truly wanting though. Frustration, anger, procrastination and the simple fact that I don't know what to do with myself if I am not munching on something and watching tv. That is terrible, I know.
However, it is how I feel. I need to stick to my plan for the day and when I get to 1500 calories, I need to stop. I need to think about what I am doing and what I am really looking for in the fridge. Chances are, its not edible.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
So, yesterday, I kinda threw in the towel. Because I have been on "diets" for most of my life, I still know I didn't make as poor of choices as I could have. Regardless, it was not the best decisions I could have made. I went out with friends last night for the first time in a long time. I had a great time and I got to dance, something I truly love to do! It was great!
So I woke up this morning and thought to myself, what am I doing? I had just seen a movie with Debra Messing and the quote was something like, "Every girl has the love life she wants." And I thought about it a little more...what if, "Every girl has the body that she wants?" And, as the movie showed, the quote was true. We stray aware from what we are afraid of and continue to lie to ourselves because it is easier to fall into old habits than to venture out and develop new ones.
I think the same may be true when it comes to body image. I have forever avoided many emotions (and tasks, thank you procrastination) by eating. Eating to do something else and avoid my tasks or eating to feel full rather than feel angry, upset, sad, frustrated, you name it. This behavior has resulted in a 200 lb body that I don't feel comfortable in. But, it is what I have taught myself to do and old habits die hard.
I decided this morning that I don't want to do that anymore. I had a great morning food wise and was actually getting some things done at the same time. Then, I got a call from my parents and found out my grandma was in a really bad car accident and was in the hospital. After hanging up, I found myself in the fridge reaching for consolement from a box of Little Debbies. I was just about to open the new box and thought, "What am I doing?" This just goes to show that my habits formed are not good ones and that I have a problem dealing with emotions.
I put the box back (not eating anything) and sat down on the couch. I thought about what I was doing and that my grandma was in the hospital with a broken body. Then, I thought I am sitting here, single-handedly destroy my perfectly good body. I am reinforcing my false belief that I am not important enough, I am not worthy enough of taking care of myself. It is totally ridiculous. When did I start believing I was such a horrible person and not of value? I think a lot of it stems from my dance studio experience and that I have been told my body is wrong from the time I was 2-1/2 years old. Something like that can definately mess up your self being.
Realizing this, I decided to just eat my planned Jenny Craig food for the day. Besides, I am paying them to help teach me what I should be eating. I am not paying this money to cheat and be in the same place I was when I started. What was I thinking? Why am I nice to others but incrediably horrible to myself? I think I justify it by saying I don't "deserve" being happy, being thin, etc...then rectifying it by saying I "deserve" that Little Debbie, that small bag of chips, that piece of chocolate. This makes no sense! I am a smart girl, how am I buying my own cr*p???
Today will be the first day that I follow the Jenny Craig plan correctly. I just need to take it one day at a time and be nice to myself. I am also going to get at least 20-30 minutes of exercise each day. It doesn't have to be at the gym sweating it out heavily or even running 2-3 miles. It can be as simple as walking outside for 30 minutes. I live by the ocean, it can't be that bad! The good thing is that I am realizing this...the better thing is that over the last few weeks I have been making progress. It makes a difference.
This weeks goal is to take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. Don't focus on how far I have to go, but rather what I need to do at this moment to take care of myself and be a healthier person.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
I was feeling bored, very anxious and worried. What did I do? I went to the fridge. I was about to eat something and realized what I was doing. I stopped, became very upset with myself. Stuck a piece of gum in my mouth and started some hot water to make tea.
This eating thing...it is more than just liking to eat. For me, it is stopping me from feeling anything and also is stopping me from living the life I have always wanted. This needs to stop...I have the power to change it and for whatever reason, I haven't. I really think counseling is what I need to include in addition to healthy eating and exercise. I have tried every program on the market, but it's not the program that isn't working. It's my mental issues with food that is blocking my success. I don't take care of myself...and it's disheartening to say it, but I don't care about me enough. I always put others first and myself last. Instead of letting myself be angry, upset, bored, procrastinating, anxious or any other feeling, I eat to make myself feel full. Full is not a true emotion, it is not a feeling.
Who am I kidding here but myself? I need to somehow realize that I am important t0o, that I matter, that my thoughts & feelings are valid, that others are not always better than me. Where did I learn this? Why did I learn this? It's ridiculous and I know it is even as I am typing it. But this is what I am feeling right now. If I don't acknowledge it, it will never change.
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