Wednesday, October 15, 2014
You can learn so much from observation. You can also learn a lot from observing your family members. I think I understand now why I have struggled with my weight all my life. My mom is a lifetime dieter, and also had the lap band done a few years ago. My dad is overweight and used to be able to lose it quickly, but now is not able to do that.
I think as women, our mothers are a huge influence on our body self image, our self esteem and...in a lot of cases, we learn our approach to food from our mothers. I grew up dieting at 9 years old. I have said this before. I was put on a diet before I was overweight, the doctor didn't agree, but the dance teachers did. That's actually when I started putting on weight. Through the encouragement of my mom, I tried diet after diet. She often encouraged me to take Dexitrim when I was in junior high and high school. I never wanted to. I tried it once, but the shakes that I got stopped me from ever taking it again.
To this day, my mom is still on the diet train, even after doing lap band. Yes, she did lose weight. Unfortunately, I think she may have become bulimic in the process and tends to force herself to throw up any time she "thinks" she has eaten too much. She will just blame it on the lap band. I am concerned for her because the biggest mistake I saw the doctor make with my mom is that he never directed her to learn (or go some place to learn) what healthy eating and living means. I suspect this happens with a lot of other patients, sadly.
So why am I bringing this up? Well...due to financial issues, I moved home about a year ago. I have been face to face with the foods and situations that helped me to become heavy in the first place. Needless to say, I have gained weight over this last year. (Although, the doctor is going through tests with me right now and a lot of my weight is apparently attributed to my poor sleep). Anyways, I am in the thick of where I put ON my weight. It has made the struggle even more difficult. I never kept junk food in my house, now I am faced with it every day. (Yes, I have tried to persuade, ask my folks not to buy it. After 6 mos of trying, I gave up).
Interestingly, I am seeing my mom STILL on this diet train. She did lose weight, but not all the weight the doc wanted her to. She has gained a little back, and now she in diet mode full force. So what's it to me, you might ask? Well, I found myself WANTING to go on the diet that my mom is trying right now. I won't name the diet, but involves very expensive shakes to drink. Why do I want to do this when I KNOW that healthy eating and exercise are the best way to lose weight and stay healthy?
Let's be honest. It's easy to get lured into a quick fix, to try something new, to feel excited about a new program again...it's that initial "glowy" feeling you have when you first walk through the door at WW. I had it when I started over but after time it fades. When you see someone else have it, you want it too! It's very much "little kid" thinking. I seem to be very susceptible to it! I saw she was starting something new and I wanted to too! Even though I knew it was not the best choice for me. So I stopped and asked myself, "What are you thinking?!"
I do feel myself being sucked back into the diet mentality or dieting vortex. It has taken me 4 years with WW to figure all of this stuff out, but only 1 year back at home to take down that progress. Believe me, I am trying to get to a point financially where I can move out again. But at the moment, here is where I need to stay and I am very grateful I had somewhere to go. I think, even as a full grown adult, we can regress to childhood in an instant. What I am learning is I need to put on my adult pants and tell myself, "You know what you need to do, don't get derailed. Keep on track!" It's hard to do that, but I think what is more difficult is recognizing when it's happening.
So...I guess what I am dancing around is that if I don't keep up my awareness and be cognizant of what I am doing and why, I can fall back into old patterns ridiculously quickly. Weight loss is not something you "finish." Weight loss is totally encompassing and something you have to work at every day, whether you are at goal or just starting out. While I knew this years ago, I think I didn't realize that the dieting mentality has to be fought back daily as well!
Whether that dieting mentality is coming from your mom, sister, friends, TV shows, commercials, media, etc. It doesn't matter. It is a constant in this American culture, despite the fact that very few women in our culture are a size 0 or 2.
So, note to self: Everyday, wake up and remember what "healthy" means, fuel your body and don't trash it, exercise everyday and be grateful that you have a body that is able to do so. Forget what you hear, what people say and what the media thinks, the most important thing is for you to stay on track and not fall into any more quick fixes. Healthy eating and exercise will get you to your goals.
Keep your thoughts positive and grounded and keep away from anything marked "diet."
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
I am feeling SOOOO much better! I feel like I am back in control today and that makes me so very happy. As some of you know, I was struggling. I have finally put my finger on what has happened.
Have you ever been around negative people?
Their energy is very draining and they can totally take a toll on people. What I didn't realize is that there are some energy drainers around me. And, as of these last few weeks, I have had a few doozies that have really just taken me down. Now, if I had been in a better mindset and a little more aware, I might have noticed this. But, I learned after looking back...So here I am.
It is a very odd thing...as I have realized that three of my somewhat close friends can turn into these negative energy drainers. One, in particular, I thought had changed...however, I was wrong. I went to a numerologist about 2 years ago...something he said to me really stuck and I am seeing it now in my life. He said, "When people tell you stuff, it's THEIR stuff, not yours." I need to learn not to absorb this negativity and to not seek understanding or advice from those who have such a drastically different outlook on life than I do. Their understanding will not be there and their advice is not coming from a place of positivity.
With all that being said...I need to make sure that I don't fall for this again. Yes, they are good friends now, but something is telling me that as I lose this weight, our friendship may not survive. The negative outlook from these three either needs to change to support or we may have to part ways. And, although this may seem drastic, I know it is true...I have lost weight before and there were friendship casualties then too. Isn't that the strangest thing? Friends should support, encourage and love one another, regardless of their size or choice of eating habits. When they don't, people end up parting ways.
Well, at least I am understanding now what it going on. I will not let other peoples advice, lack of understanding or opinions affect my weight again. I will not let other peoples words drive me to food. I will not use food for comfort or consolation....If I slip up, I will forgive myself and move on.
I am DONE attempting. Now, I will DO!
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
I really wish that weight loss wasn't so difficult. I hope that a year from now, I look back at this post and say, "I really said that?!"
I have tried over and over and WW works. The problem is that I am not doing it. I am not sticking to what I need to. Also, I have medical issues that are interferring and I wish that my body would just work like everyone else's. I wish my metabolish worked, my digestitve system too...but they are "special" shall we say? I am Celiac and I have Hashimoto's. I also have to get tested for PCOS in a few weeks.
But, regardless of that....If I was eating less, I would be losing. But I am not. I am resorting to old behaviors. And, I am talking OLD! I recently moved back home and am in the same environment where I started gaining weight at 9 yrs old. Now, at almost 230 lbs and 36 yrs old, I am not losing but seem to be gaining. I am not used to this food at my family's home. When I lived on my own, I didn't keep chips, cereal, etc. in my house because I would eat it.
But, why don't I change this behavior? I know what to do. I know what and how much to eat. But, I am not doing it. I want to be thin. Yet, I am fearful of it. I know my life will fit together when I lose this weight...as I have come to the realization that I think I am supposed to help other people with their weight issues, once I resolve mine. Having danced all my life...I am realizing that there are so many fitness "gurus" and trainers out there that are trying to help obese people like me lose weight. The problem is...they have never been heavy in their lives. Or, they have lost about 30 pounds or so. While that is wonderful, walking around in society at 30 pounds overweight is VERY different than walking around at 90+ pounds overweight. I think that is where I can help others. I can relate to being this size, most of my life, and to how hard it is to be big. I think it's what I really want to do too...which also scares me.
What if I never lose this weight? I think about me being 16 and wanting to lose weight. Being 18, 21, 26, 29, 32...& now 36. I'm still fighting this issue within myself. I know a lot of it stems from being a heavy girl in dance. Being teased about my weight in dance class, school, from my brothers, my family, strangers, etc. It's hard to let all of that go and move on. I hang on to those terrible comments that hurt me all of those years ago...A lady saying that "those rings are for women with tree stumps for fingers" to her daughter while I was looking at rings at a flea market, being called an elephant in 6th grade, being told by my dance teacher that I looked horrible in a purple ballet costume and she was glad I had lost some weight, being called the Michelin (tires) woman by my mom, having a friend start to say the word FAT and stop midway as I walked up, being called fat/heifer by men and...the WW leader who told me, "Wow! You really packed it on!" after returning from a month hiatus from WW and gaining.
All of those things have shaped my life. They have made me untrusting of others, they have made me angry, but most of all, they have fueled me to build the walls I have up around me. They are also the reason I haven't been in a relationship for longer than a few months. (Always fearful that a guy will leave me for a skinny girl). I have talked myself out of a lot of things in life and have changed how I live because of these fears. The stupidest thing is...
It makes no SENSE!
If any of my friends were to share this with me, my advice would be totally different to them. But when it's me, the problem is that I somehow believe that I don't deserve anything. That I am not worthy of it. I am not worthy of love, to fall in love and have someone love me back, to have a successful career that I love, to have friends who want nothing of me but to spend time with me and....to lose this weight.
I have no idea where in this life I learned that I am not deserving of health.
All of this....all of this has to change.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
I had the most difficult yet interesting thing happen to me today. I admit, I let it get the best of my attitude...initially.
Last week, I interviewed for a position and it was only because I knew the person and had worked with them before. They knew of my proven success and we had a great phone conversation. I haven't seen him in about 3 years...and I am about 20 pounds heavier now.
When I got to the interview, it seemed he just wanted to catch up as opposed to actually interviewing me. We talked and about 45 minutes into the conversation, I asked if he had any questions he would like to ask me. He said no, because he "already knows me." He did look at my resume once and I mentioned that since we last saw each other, I had also completed my MBA (Masters in Business).
Well, something felt a little off. He was talking as if I had the position, yet I still asked about other candidates. There were 4 other candidates he interviewed before me. I did offer to give him a ride to the airport as well, which he accepted. Early this morning, he emailed me saying I was not selected to move forward, but thank you for meeting with me. He did state that the other candidates were more qualified than me, which is a phrase I used to use when I was a recruiter.
Yes, I was upset about the decision. But, in my heart of hearts, I know it was due to my weight. This guy, who used to be a colleague/peer of mine, has said things before about other people's weight (at old sales meetings). I know it may seem as if I may be jumping to a conclusion here, but I know my intuition is right. What made me so upset this morning, was not that I didn't get the position...that was probably a blessing in disguise. But what really upset me was that someone I know, that has seen my success, could still make a decision about me based on how I look and not the content within.
I have always strived to avoid allowing my weight to be a barrier. Whether it was growing up heavy and dancing (leotards and all), becoming a cheer leader in high school or becoming a sales rep and selling successfully to plastic surgeons. I have always done well and gone above and beyond. I think it was just a blow to my ego and a bit to my heart because I knew this person.
But, going back to this morning...I stayed in bed, confused, sad, wounded a bit...but then was angry. I was really mad. How could this be? It's so stupid and he KNOWS me. It's not like I had applied off of a website or something. I just could not compute this equation. The strange thing is what I did next. I put on gym clothes and laced up my sneakers and walked. I did 2.77 miles this morning and thought that would help. It did a bit. But my bad day came roaring back. After an hours drive, the office I was going to was closed. I decided to grab lunch and this lady with two other women in her car, drove around me to take the parking space I was waiting for. I couldn't believe it! I pulled up close to her, rolled down my window and said, "That is so rude." I guess they got embarrassed and drove off.
I sat in that parking space feeling like crud. I didn't want to eat anything now. I checked emails and left 20 minutes later, heading to another city about 30 minutes away. When I got there, the building I was supposed to go to had major construction and I couldn't get through. I called it a day and figured I will have to work on Friday. (I am PT at the moment). Well, when I got home, I had a letter from my uncle who I was helping with his property taxes. I had to call the county and 1.5 hours later, found that they decreased the value of the home, but the taxes went up. (I know, it doesn't make sense). The day just kinda sucked.
Here is the FABULOUS thing about today....I DIDN'T TURN TO FOOD! Not once!
I have had 1,356 calories for the day and I am satisfied at the moment. I still can't believe the day I had, but am grateful that I have my head on straight and I don't judge others on their weight because I know how it feels to have that happen.
Change will come. I can feel it. But, I have to be patient and let the process unfold. It will not happen overnight and certainly not without bumps in the road.
I am thankful that even at my angriest, I remembered, he doesn't live in this body. He hasn't walked in my shoes. He doesn't understand what it is to be a heavy person in this society. Nor, does he know what it takes to be successful when you have to overcome a physical barrier such as weight. But...I do. I know what it feels like. I know what it means to endure, to keep getting up each time I fall. Me and me alone.
I need to remind myself that I am stronger than I know AND no one's opinion can define me except my own.
Wednesday, July 02, 2014
Universe...I am listening. I have heard you. I am trusting my instincts and intuition. I hear you.
Weight is such a weird thing. I think as women, we think about it more than we should. On Saturday, I went to a Manifestation Vision Board class. As silly as it might sound, it was pretty life changing. We had to write down what we believe is holding us back.
Of course, I said fear. But, we had to break that down. So, I wrote...fear of not being enough. Fear of being unworthy or undeserving. And responsibility to care for others, but fear that I will never care for myself that way. Then we had to voice this to the person next to us.
Then we took the paper and tore it up. It nearly brought me to tears. Life changing. We threw the torn pieces in the trash. I feel like a rid myself of something that day. Of my doubt. Of my reluctancy. Of my fears.
Since Saturday...I have been seeing things so differentlly. It seems I have allowed myself permission to take control of my life. It didn't come all at once. But, in pieces. Today, I did some writing. I have been putting it off for a week. Then I went back to the gym. I have been putting that off for a week. Then I gave myself permission to eat like a human being, not a dieter. I of course tracked it. But, I gave myself space. I didn't beat myself up in my head, or call myself names. It was very empowering.
And...what I am realizing is that I have had the power to change my life all this time. There was no special food or program I needed to buy. No special workout DVD or equipment I needed to have. Everything I needed, I have.
It was just a matter of me. Believing it.
So yes. I had my Dorothy moment! It's time to get the life I want!
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