Monday, November 17, 2014
I have struggled the last few months with going up two pounds, down two pounds. I know this is because I had three deaths in the family in two months, have had to move back home and am struggling with work. I understand that.
What I don't understand is WHY I don't DO the things I know I need to do. I know what needs to happen to lose weight. I am super uncomfortable in my body right now. I have not been going to the gym as consistently as I used to. But, I am one of those few people that actually like the gym. It's getting there that is the problem.
I don't want to struggle anymore. I don't want to "start over" even one more time. I don't want to be the fat girl anymore. If EVERYTHING I want is right there for the taking, what is stopping me from doing it? Why am I not taking care of me? Why am I going against everything I know and doing things I really don't want to do. I feel myself having this very strange internal fight and it seems to be happening almost daily now. But what is it? I think...well, I think it might be fear.
I have found that I stopped writing over the last few months too. I want to be a writer. How can I do that if I am not writing? It's like I have just frozen everything I wanted. What am I actually fearful of? I think it is a few things...
I am afraid of not knowing who I will be if I am not the fat girl.
I am afraid of losing friends I have had that are also struggling with their weight, if I become successful.
I am afraid of becoming attractive to men again.
I am afraid of the comments and teasing that my family will engage in at my expense.
I am afraid of not knowing how to comfort myself without food and falling back into old habits, regaining the lost weight AGAIN.
I am afraid of regaining it again if I lose it.
I am afraid that I will never lose this weight.
I am afraid that I might get bigger if I don't do something now.
I am afraid that I might not be able to relate to my family even MORE when I no longer have comfort eating in common with them.
I am afraid of the backhanded compliments that arise after losing the weight, like they did last time.
I am afraid that food will rule my life forever and I will never get my eating habits under control.
I am afraid of dating again...if I do lose the weight, will he bother to stay if I possibly gain it back again.
I am afraid of conditional love, as it has been what I have come to know when it comes to men and some friends. (I know it's not the ideal, but it has been what my experience has been made of).
I am afraid of the inability to defend myself against an attacker if I am smaller than I am now. (Unfortunately, I have been attacked in the past and wasn't able to protect myself).
I am afraid of trusting anyone again.
I am afraid of teaching Zumba (even tho I got my certification), because of my size and the ridicule that may ensue, the whispers from those in the class...
I am afraid of becoming the person I am supposed to be...and have chosen in the past to be the person that solely pleases others, ignoring my needs and wants.
I am afraid that I don't deserve to be thin, to fall in love, to be happy, to love my job.
It is the silliest thing though, when you pull back and look at it. I am afraid to change, yet, I am also afraid of NOT changing. How is that even possible? I guess that is exactly what the scales is reflecting too! The forward and back motions of a cha-cha and my weight fluctuating up and down the same five pounds.
I know what I need to do. I know what I want. What I really need to figure out and implement is HOW to start DOING the things I need to do CONSISTENTLY, without feeling a sense of guilt or feeling as if I don't deserve it.
I think I need to start simple. Maybe...just start my day out with either meditation OR a walk in the morning BEFORE my day gets started. I think I have lost touch with my feelings and they really only seem to come forward through silence or writing. I need to do one or the other in some way each day....
Whoever said that weight loss was easy, most likely never dealt with the problems BEHIND the behavior. This is not easy. It's tough to face fears, to understand them and to figure out how to overcome them!
I will! Even if I don't get it till I'm 92! Gosh darn it!!! =)
I will do this.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
My weight has been all over the place. The doctor is doing tests and I find the results on Tuesday. However, I think she has hit on something about the sleeping thing. The week I got sleep, I was down 2 pounds. This past week, my sleep was terrible and I was back up two pounds. So...I need to focus on getting my shut eye this week. (Thx, doc).
On another note...I leave for Thailand in 27 days! I am excited, but I am also a little nervous. I had hoped to lose a bit of weight before this trip, and I still can. However, it won't be as much as I had anticipated. What I am concerned about is the flight over to Thailand. The flight is 17 hours! The plane seats are not that comfortable and I feel too BIG for the chair. I don't need a seat belt extender or anything, but I always feel like my thighs are touching the person next to me and I can't do too much about that at that moment. So, I sit there uncomfortable.
Planes remind me of this...
I feel like I am the man in the pink, I know I am not. But, it just makes me feel huge. Then, I swell on top of that. Has anyone else felt this way on planes? Maybe feeling bigger than you actually are because the seats are smaller and close together? I think that flying will be one of the things to look forward to when this weight is gone. Extra space on each side of me in a plane seat!!! Ultimate NSV! When that happens, I am taking a picture and posting it!!!
Despite the plane feelings...I am so excited for Thailand!!!
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
You can learn so much from observation. You can also learn a lot from observing your family members. I think I understand now why I have struggled with my weight all my life. My mom is a lifetime dieter, and also had the lap band done a few years ago. My dad is overweight and used to be able to lose it quickly, but now is not able to do that.
I think as women, our mothers are a huge influence on our body self image, our self esteem and...in a lot of cases, we learn our approach to food from our mothers. I grew up dieting at 9 years old. I have said this before. I was put on a diet before I was overweight, the doctor didn't agree, but the dance teachers did. That's actually when I started putting on weight. Through the encouragement of my mom, I tried diet after diet. She often encouraged me to take Dexitrim when I was in junior high and high school. I never wanted to. I tried it once, but the shakes that I got stopped me from ever taking it again.
To this day, my mom is still on the diet train, even after doing lap band. Yes, she did lose weight. Unfortunately, I think she may have become bulimic in the process and tends to force herself to throw up any time she "thinks" she has eaten too much. She will just blame it on the lap band. I am concerned for her because the biggest mistake I saw the doctor make with my mom is that he never directed her to learn (or go some place to learn) what healthy eating and living means. I suspect this happens with a lot of other patients, sadly.
So why am I bringing this up? Well...due to financial issues, I moved home about a year ago. I have been face to face with the foods and situations that helped me to become heavy in the first place. Needless to say, I have gained weight over this last year. (Although, the doctor is going through tests with me right now and a lot of my weight is apparently attributed to my poor sleep). Anyways, I am in the thick of where I put ON my weight. It has made the struggle even more difficult. I never kept junk food in my house, now I am faced with it every day. (Yes, I have tried to persuade, ask my folks not to buy it. After 6 mos of trying, I gave up).
Interestingly, I am seeing my mom STILL on this diet train. She did lose weight, but not all the weight the doc wanted her to. She has gained a little back, and now she in diet mode full force. So what's it to me, you might ask? Well, I found myself WANTING to go on the diet that my mom is trying right now. I won't name the diet, but involves very expensive shakes to drink. Why do I want to do this when I KNOW that healthy eating and exercise are the best way to lose weight and stay healthy?
Let's be honest. It's easy to get lured into a quick fix, to try something new, to feel excited about a new program again...it's that initial "glowy" feeling you have when you first walk through the door at WW. I had it when I started over but after time it fades. When you see someone else have it, you want it too! It's very much "little kid" thinking. I seem to be very susceptible to it! I saw she was starting something new and I wanted to too! Even though I knew it was not the best choice for me. So I stopped and asked myself, "What are you thinking?!"
I do feel myself being sucked back into the diet mentality or dieting vortex. It has taken me 4 years with WW to figure all of this stuff out, but only 1 year back at home to take down that progress. Believe me, I am trying to get to a point financially where I can move out again. But at the moment, here is where I need to stay and I am very grateful I had somewhere to go. I think, even as a full grown adult, we can regress to childhood in an instant. What I am learning is I need to put on my adult pants and tell myself, "You know what you need to do, don't get derailed. Keep on track!" It's hard to do that, but I think what is more difficult is recognizing when it's happening.
So...I guess what I am dancing around is that if I don't keep up my awareness and be cognizant of what I am doing and why, I can fall back into old patterns ridiculously quickly. Weight loss is not something you "finish." Weight loss is totally encompassing and something you have to work at every day, whether you are at goal or just starting out. While I knew this years ago, I think I didn't realize that the dieting mentality has to be fought back daily as well!
Whether that dieting mentality is coming from your mom, sister, friends, TV shows, commercials, media, etc. It doesn't matter. It is a constant in this American culture, despite the fact that very few women in our culture are a size 0 or 2.
So, note to self: Everyday, wake up and remember what "healthy" means, fuel your body and don't trash it, exercise everyday and be grateful that you have a body that is able to do so. Forget what you hear, what people say and what the media thinks, the most important thing is for you to stay on track and not fall into any more quick fixes. Healthy eating and exercise will get you to your goals.
Keep your thoughts positive and grounded and keep away from anything marked "diet."
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
I am feeling SOOOO much better! I feel like I am back in control today and that makes me so very happy. As some of you know, I was struggling. I have finally put my finger on what has happened.
Have you ever been around negative people?
Their energy is very draining and they can totally take a toll on people. What I didn't realize is that there are some energy drainers around me. And, as of these last few weeks, I have had a few doozies that have really just taken me down. Now, if I had been in a better mindset and a little more aware, I might have noticed this. But, I learned after looking back...So here I am.
It is a very odd thing...as I have realized that three of my somewhat close friends can turn into these negative energy drainers. One, in particular, I thought had changed...however, I was wrong. I went to a numerologist about 2 years ago...something he said to me really stuck and I am seeing it now in my life. He said, "When people tell you stuff, it's THEIR stuff, not yours." I need to learn not to absorb this negativity and to not seek understanding or advice from those who have such a drastically different outlook on life than I do. Their understanding will not be there and their advice is not coming from a place of positivity.
With all that being said...I need to make sure that I don't fall for this again. Yes, they are good friends now, but something is telling me that as I lose this weight, our friendship may not survive. The negative outlook from these three either needs to change to support or we may have to part ways. And, although this may seem drastic, I know it is true...I have lost weight before and there were friendship casualties then too. Isn't that the strangest thing? Friends should support, encourage and love one another, regardless of their size or choice of eating habits. When they don't, people end up parting ways.
Well, at least I am understanding now what it going on. I will not let other peoples advice, lack of understanding or opinions affect my weight again. I will not let other peoples words drive me to food. I will not use food for comfort or consolation....If I slip up, I will forgive myself and move on.
I am DONE attempting. Now, I will DO!
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
I really wish that weight loss wasn't so difficult. I hope that a year from now, I look back at this post and say, "I really said that?!"
I have tried over and over and WW works. The problem is that I am not doing it. I am not sticking to what I need to. Also, I have medical issues that are interferring and I wish that my body would just work like everyone else's. I wish my metabolish worked, my digestitve system too...but they are "special" shall we say? I am Celiac and I have Hashimoto's. I also have to get tested for PCOS in a few weeks.
But, regardless of that....If I was eating less, I would be losing. But I am not. I am resorting to old behaviors. And, I am talking OLD! I recently moved back home and am in the same environment where I started gaining weight at 9 yrs old. Now, at almost 230 lbs and 36 yrs old, I am not losing but seem to be gaining. I am not used to this food at my family's home. When I lived on my own, I didn't keep chips, cereal, etc. in my house because I would eat it.
But, why don't I change this behavior? I know what to do. I know what and how much to eat. But, I am not doing it. I want to be thin. Yet, I am fearful of it. I know my life will fit together when I lose this weight...as I have come to the realization that I think I am supposed to help other people with their weight issues, once I resolve mine. Having danced all my life...I am realizing that there are so many fitness "gurus" and trainers out there that are trying to help obese people like me lose weight. The problem is...they have never been heavy in their lives. Or, they have lost about 30 pounds or so. While that is wonderful, walking around in society at 30 pounds overweight is VERY different than walking around at 90+ pounds overweight. I think that is where I can help others. I can relate to being this size, most of my life, and to how hard it is to be big. I think it's what I really want to do too...which also scares me.
What if I never lose this weight? I think about me being 16 and wanting to lose weight. Being 18, 21, 26, 29, 32...& now 36. I'm still fighting this issue within myself. I know a lot of it stems from being a heavy girl in dance. Being teased about my weight in dance class, school, from my brothers, my family, strangers, etc. It's hard to let all of that go and move on. I hang on to those terrible comments that hurt me all of those years ago...A lady saying that "those rings are for women with tree stumps for fingers" to her daughter while I was looking at rings at a flea market, being called an elephant in 6th grade, being told by my dance teacher that I looked horrible in a purple ballet costume and she was glad I had lost some weight, being called the Michelin (tires) woman by my mom, having a friend start to say the word FAT and stop midway as I walked up, being called fat/heifer by men and...the WW leader who told me, "Wow! You really packed it on!" after returning from a month hiatus from WW and gaining.
All of those things have shaped my life. They have made me untrusting of others, they have made me angry, but most of all, they have fueled me to build the walls I have up around me. They are also the reason I haven't been in a relationship for longer than a few months. (Always fearful that a guy will leave me for a skinny girl). I have talked myself out of a lot of things in life and have changed how I live because of these fears. The stupidest thing is...
It makes no SENSE!
If any of my friends were to share this with me, my advice would be totally different to them. But when it's me, the problem is that I somehow believe that I don't deserve anything. That I am not worthy of it. I am not worthy of love, to fall in love and have someone love me back, to have a successful career that I love, to have friends who want nothing of me but to spend time with me and....to lose this weight.
I have no idea where in this life I learned that I am not deserving of health.
All of this....all of this has to change.
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