Saturday, July 05, 2014
My firstborn came home from Pensacola, FL for the weekend. He went to You Tube to show me this squat challenge. Not only was the music kicking, but he, his brother and I did this. I petered out after a minute. Fascinated, I am determined to do this three times a week.
After my thirty-minute walk, I made it two minutes. (I was sore from that minutes I did yesterday!) There are many variations I can do--squats, crunches, push ups--so much so I can mix it up and vary it.
Eventually I hope to build up to weighed squats.
Sure pays to have a Marine Corps son!
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
This morning I woke up in a funk. Teary. Sad. Depressed. After watching some TV I rose up and made myself some breakfast and wandered into my den. My eyes dropped to the corner of my screen.
June 18, 2014.
Today is what would've been my dad's 86th birthday.
When you're still in a grieving process, it's easy to tell yourself to "stop it" or "cut it out" or so many other cutting comments to make yourself braver. Truth be known, if you have loved anyone a colossal length of time, periods of sorrow will creep upon you at any given moment. Along with tears are those periods of laughter and happy remembrance.
My dad was wise, spiritual, and comical. One of my sisters told me I had him the longest and this is why I get like this.
I've been weaning off my meds for about a month now and I'd been doing fairly well. As much as I want to blame it on the lack of pharmaceuticals, it would not be true.
I simply miss my dad.
Tears do take a lot out of me, but I do well if I let the grief run its course. Then I can continue with life.
Heading to the Y is jus the thing I need.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Oh, I know I shouldn't be scared of anything, but I am now. I need help and I am asking the spirit of SP for it.
My 190 has went to 200 lbs. I know I'm not eating correctly and I am telling myself to be 'happy' in this body.
But I'm not.
I have backaches. My feet are swollen. My face if much fuller than it's ever been. I am fighting not to buy larger clothes.
I have gorgeous eyes and a bright smile. I am artistic, free-spirited, spiritual, outgoing, and adventurous.
I see the positive in myself at some point in my day.
But when I wake up, I feel the stomach in which, on my 5'2 frame, is totally out of proportion.
I just reset my readings. I wrote down my new weight and just stared at it in denial.
Only four years ago, I was kicking it!
Recently my brother-in-law rudely asked me "what happened"? I don't speak to him unless totally necessary.
What if I can't lose it? What if I gain more?
Friday, April 25, 2014
It stands to reason while I have rededicated myself to become healthier, it has dawned on me that it’s not just the fact I don’t want to be overweight, it’s the fact of my closest friends and families’ judgment because I did. And it is not the whole of the group, but a few who take it upon themselves to tell me --- as if I wasn’t aware of it --- that because I was not as small as I used to be it became a personal slight against them. It’s like I stepped upon some of their toes and regrettably have forgotten to say “I’m sorry”.
I have always placed others’ needs ahead of myself. There was a time I felt I had it all together. I made the time for myself and felt darned good about it. I balanced school, work, home life and my passions.
But then my parents became ill and I became a caretaker.
In 2009, I began putting on weight. This was the year my mom died. A few years later, my dad developed bone cancer and I completely placed myself on the back burner. Three weeks before Daddy died, I lost a sister to suicide. This was 2012.
With counseling, psychotropic meds, and lack of interest of life in general, the pounds steadily increased. I wasn’t myself after the loss of my parents and my sister. It took every ounce of faith to heal.
What I’d discovered along the way wasn’t the loving, caring people in which sustained me, but the people who believed they were telling me about my loss of self for my own good. It wasn’t enough I was a thoughtful, loving woman, but the physical changes in which took precedence over the kindness of my heart.
A former friend tried to force me on a scale to “show me” just how much I let myself go, how awful I looked. “You used to look so much better” he chastised me. (It was sufficed to say I used some of my mother’s language after this conversation. I am no longer in contact with this person.)
Now I am more than determined to regain my health and strength back. I am encouraged to begin this journey towards the woman I am meant to be.
I had believed I had this fitness under control, but life occasionally does interrupt the best laid plans. I am trying not to feed myself a lot of negative, stinkin’ thinkin’. I am aligning myself with positive people, those who see beyond the outside of me.
I want to conquer the world …. Again!
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Today was the first day I had done yoga in four years. I am a major procrastinator, and I know change cannot happen unless I am proactive about it. After sitting in front of my computer playing games, I logged onto SparkPeople. Now don't get me wrong .. I love spinning the wheel and getting my Sparkpoints, but I'd joined Sparks many years ago at the time to keep a handle on my stress. Now, I have to get a handle of the weight gain the psychotropic meds had impaled upon me. At the time, they (all) had helped me deal with the sadness, angst, and anxiety over my dad's passing. Now, I am ready to get back to what I used to do best .. stay on a path of health and wellness.
I was rusty during my movements and I tried my best to ignore my lack of flexibility, but in the end I felt as light as a feather. Even the rubbing of my thighs didn't hamper the positive vibes yoga brought to my mind and spirit.
Now to access my teams. I want to become challenged and encouraged.
I 'm on my way.
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