Thursday, June 12, 2014
I look at my Start Page every day, but I'm shocked that I haven't really BEEN here for three months! It should be no surprise that I'm still waking up every morning, wondering what it will take for me to put myself first every day. I've spent so much time wanting that the motivation feelings have become too familiar and less burning. I'm searching for that "spark". But I'm also aware of the fact that I need to do what's good, even if I'm not feeling it. So, here I am today, determined to do the hard stuff anyway.
Since I've been here, I've been through my second daughter's high school graduation. Those who've gone before me may understand me when I say that they don't quite do it alone, do they? My daughter was also the editor of the yearbook, which meant... too soon. I'm feeling the pressure as I write, so I'll leave it to you to imagine the frenzy that has surrounded our home these past few weeks. My son, who began the year in a dramatic way, has found his place. We're excited for a more positive experience in eighth grade.
The reason I'm thinking about these things now is that my daily landscape is close to changing once again. I'll go, in September, to having the last one of my three babies in our home with us. And I am, once again, adjusting to a life that I may or may not be ready for. I know many of you have walked here before me. I have to find the strength to do this well. This time, I know what it feels like to miss someone every day. I wonder how my son will deal with missing both of his sisters. I hope I will do a good job helping him fill the void.
Anyway, today is about me. It's about connecting the reality of my state of health with the part of myself that will finally choose to nurture and work my way to fitness. I'm here today to remind myself, once again, that there's a different life that waits for me on the other side of good decisions. Here I go. I'm hoping and praying that, when I'm back here in three months (and some in-between), I will have used them well. I want to be encouraged by my own successes and hopeful for all that is to come.
Monday, March 17, 2014
I have the LINK armband. I've been (mostly) wearing it since last Summer. There have been a couple of glitches but, since spending all of this time with it, I pretty much understand how it works and what it wants from me.
But now, all of the sudden, it isn't recording my activity. It records my sleep and my steps. It even shows peaks (on my iPhone display) when I have been active, but they are blue instead of the regular yellow or orange. I would love it if someone reading has an answer for me. Maybe there's a setting that I need to change (I did adjust my METS) last week. But I don't see it anywhere. I do NOT want to have to go back to customer service. It's Monday and I already have several techy issues to handle today. Techy things are not my favorite and they can give me a headache.
So I show 0 fitness minutes this week when, in fact, I have made a point to be off of my tush and moving around all week. I'd record the numbers myself, but none of it was a formal workout. It was more like a hike, a very active photo session with my daughter, parking far away when I would stop to shop... I'll just have to find my validation elsewhere this morning.
Seriously, thank you for any insight you might be able to offer me concerning this issue.
Friday, March 07, 2014
This, again, is for me.
I say this because I'm amazing at starting things, but I've been quite the disaster at any follow-through. I'd have given up on myself by now, but this is the only me I have and I'm just stubborn enough to truly believe that failure is not an option.
I remembered a talk I heard once about truly prioritizing your life, about sorting your true passions from the distractions around you. I listen to these things because I am always swirling among so many thoughts and projects, always competing for my time and attention. She challenged me at the end by asking the question, "If you had to give up everything else for ONE THING, which ONE THING would you choose?" As this question landed in my mind again yesterday, I wasn't struggling with God vs. Family. They are solidly in their places. But I have been working thoughts of time spent pursuing the two things I desire most outside of the other two (God and Family). I am in a place where I realize that real change concerning my weight will require serious project status. I need to lose over HALF of myself. It means devoting planned hours and attention to changing habits, tracking every single thing, and exercise. Lots of exercise. I'm also working furiously (have been for a couple of years, now) to expand my photography business. I am in a place of discovering that this IS who I am and time is badly needed to learn, work, and perfect the 20-year vision I've nurtured. If left to myself, I could easily and happily work ten to twelve-hour days on this alone. The dream is THIS CLOSE. I feel that my age is intensifying the urgency I feel. The thing is, I know that my physical self is not working at all toward my professional dream. Two immediate needs are constantly battling for 100% of my attention.
So the question appears again in my consciousness and asks, again, then again, becoming somewhat relentless: "If you could only have one of these things, if you were to wake one morning five years from now to find that you were able to accomplish ONE of these goals, which one?" Would I rather be an accomplished, known photographer, making a living doing what I love (but still rather unfit and still unhealthy)? Or would I be more fulfilled if I were to wake that same morning as a smaller, definitely fit (if somewhat saggy) version of who I am now, and all that would include, but working as a teacher's aide or something similar and having a fun photography hobby? Which one thing would I sacrifice for the other?
It became so clear. SO, so clear.
I will defend my passion for photography to the end. So many creatives seem to measure their devotion by how obsessively they shoot, work, present. I will NEVER give it up.
But I choose me. I choose a shot at a longer life. I choose to spend my extra efforts, at this time, making myself fit and healthy.
Because I will never be fulfilled in the one without the other. And how long would I live, anyway, to enjoy the beautiful things like God, my family, or a lovely portrait?
It is not the fun choice. Or the dreamy one. It is definitely the least comfortable choice. Facing myself and fully absorbing what I've allowed myself to become has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I started a video project yesterday based on one I completed last year called 1 Second Every Day. This time, I'm using it to document myself over this next year. I feel something I've never felt before. It's not a giddy flighty motivation, but a mission, a resolve.
I will still work toward the other dream. I know that life doesn't always demand one thing at the expense of all others. But I will no longer skip my fitness/health plan to attend a class or to pull an all-night edit session or to knock out a deadline. I will order my life to accommodate my first priority ahead of the other.
I'm not even kidding, guys. I mean to do this. This place where I am today? The one that has been a prison for WAY too long? It's going to be left far behind me.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
I found a quote from a book that I read a couple of years ago. The book, itself wrecked me. But these words, read yesterday in a moment of... deep realizations, touched me where I am at this moment in my story.
"Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives Iím not living."
~ Jonathan Safran Foer
Not to be depressing, just trying to hold on to these moments of "revelation". I may need to revisit this later when I find myself wondering why I should bother. There is so much I want, deeply desire, to do. I have limited myself. Fighting for these things to be possible for me is the "Why".
Saturday, February 15, 2014
It's the up and down of my flickering resolve that confuses me the most.
I'm saying, as a simple matter of fact and without the least bit of drama, that I feel that I'm somewhat missing from myself. It's the only thing I can come up with to describe how, day in and day out, I am still flopping around on the shore when I have every intention to jump in and SWIM! The journey, the hard work, the victories and the tears are all still ahead of me. I wake up every morning like the movie "Groundhog Day", only to live that same day (as it applies to my health and fitness choices) over yet again.
So, I've been noticing this and wondering to myself about who it is I used to be and where in the world have I gone and just when will I show up and rescue my own self.
But there are glimpses...
I seem to remember that I am notoriously stubborn when I am convinced. This has been the case since birth, I was told this by my Mother on many occasions when our ideas wouldn't quite match up. Liver for dinner? I could stay at the table all night. And I mean, I was never the one to fold. Not once. I have my own sense of style, which usually rebels against whatever trends are the most mainstream. Of course, I've shut style out of my life for the past 20 years due to my "situation". And, as a (gulp) plus-sized woman on a budget who is not given to graphic prints and polyester, my size requirements have all but swallowed my style whole. And the freedom I relinquished, though I'm not sure when, of my outgoing, loving personality. It was what made me ME. It's what attracted my husband and made every stranger my potential friend. These things are missing at the moment.
And I mean to find where I left them.
I have a memory from when I was around six or seven. I looked down at my thighs and they were wider than those of my little friend, who was sitting next to me. That's when I first felt that I was not "as good" as those around me. I didn't know to consider that she was a year younger than me and that I have a muscly German background. I just felt wrong. My biggest underlying fear became, in every situation, that I would be that one in the room who was the biggest. Today, I live that nightmare. And I'm the ONLY ONE who can fix it.
So this morning, waking with the re-realization that I need to MEAN to, in every moment, fight for the girl I left behind , I returned to my Pinterest vision board. It's not very literal. Where you see a stick thin model, I'm seeing the dress or the expression. I have no fantasy of becoming bony and suddenly tall. But I do enjoy remembering the swish of a flouncy skirt on the back of my knees. The quotes aren't hard-core "Fitspiration", but things that speak to me. And watches! I truly loved wearing watches. Some images are simply about the mood of the moment that is portrayed.
I just want to soak in some inspiration and use that to fuel this thing, which I am determined to accomplish. I'll spend some time remembering my stubborn inner child and see if I can't remember what it was like to stand, fully, in my own space and feel my own power.
My Board: www.pinterest.com/shawneej/there-you
Anyway, HAPPY SATURDAY, all.
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