Saturday, October 26, 2013
Once again, it has happened too many times to count, I awoke in the wee morning hours feeling the literal and figurative burden of the me I have become. I'm only writing here now because I need to organize my head. I think that, once I begin making some real progress, somebody might find hope in these words of frustration.
My deadlines are past me and I'm realizing, once again, that I will put any event or obligation before my own health. I think of the things I value most and the answers are obvious. I want to live as long as possible. I have so much more to give to this life. I want to be an energetic participant in the lives of my family. I want to live creatively and surround myself with music. I want to love my husband authentically and beautifully for the rest of my life. I want to walk with God in all that I do.
But, and I believe so many of us do this at certain times in our lives, my day-to-day looks so completely upside down from how I SAY I want my life to be. I react to the things thrown my way and, when I lay my head on my pillow, I find that I've not touched on the things that mean the most to me. I think about God, missing the close communion. I dream about finally making myself fit and the wonderful things I will do along the way. I know how it feels to send a beloved daughter out into the world and I both welcome and dread the moment I do that again less than a year from now. I'm so aware of the time running out for the snuggles and the family dinners and the casual memories that I need to fit in before graduation.
In the midst of all of these things (and so many others), I MUST make the project of my transformation a daily priority. I will dare to say, THE priority, because the time I take exercising and eating well always leads me to spend more time seeking God. Walking is such a good time to dwell. With or without music. Listening to messages or in silence.
The cold is coming and It's dark more quickly now. My husband's schedule and my kids' schedules are staggered. But I MUST make daily time. need to end the starts and stops. They have left me numb. The numbers are in front of me and they are sobering.
Walk, track, walk, track, seven times. Then seven more. Then again. I have every tool that I need. I just need to believe it's important every day.
My first goal is to lose 20 lbs. by Christmas. I intend to make this the first tangible goal that I actually stick with.
Friday, October 18, 2013
I just have time to share this:
I'm a photographer and I love to draw from other photographers who inspire me.
My Senior Season is just about wrapped up- the shooting and editing, anyway, and I hope to be back here next week.
I had just a small moment after hitting send on the last submission to the yearbook and I decided to read an article (I know, right?) from one of my favorite portrait photographers. It served to show me that we assume that people are accurately portrayed by their image, when we really have no idea sometimes what came before the glamor and success that we see.
Please read. And follow all the little rabbit trails, if you have the time. Her work is lovely and the stories are inspiring.
This one sobered me. "Exist in portraits for your children." -Sue Bryce
Saturday, September 28, 2013
One morning I woke up and realized I was way too fat.
That day was 25 years ago. Since then, I have been collecting diet and fitness information in my head the way the modern woman collects boards on Pinterest. I'm noticing lately, since I've been at this for so long, that there are definable cycles to my madness. It occurs to me today that, for all my information hoarding (hoarding because I have yet to effectively put it into practice) and all of my equipment, DVD, and victory clothes gathering, I am stuck at my highest ever weight range and I have been for the last five or so years. Wow. And I woke up this morning amidst the chaos of the blessing/curse of an overbooked Senior season staring at one of the more familiar "places" that has played through my head on a twenty-year loop...
"Now that it's sweater weather, I can work hard and emerge next Spring much more fit and in smaller clothes!"
I imagine the shorter, flirty skirts swinging just above my strong, toned runner's legs. I picture sleeveless tops and adorable workout wear. I picture Summer hikes and the ever-elusive dreamy run on the beach.
And this motivates me for awhile and then I forget and I don't really wake up again to my reality until the next "cycle" stares me down. It's usually, "Wow. I HAVE to do this. Well, the holidays are here, so I'll just maintain and start at the New Year." Then we have, "Spring is coming. Here's your chance to give it a big push!" That one is followed by the promise of better outdoor weather in the Summer, only to realize that Summer exercise is hotter and stickier than the cool autumn air. And so it goes, always with the cycles.
Another cycle I've been recognizing is the one where I find myself way too busy to pay attention to my sorry state and I work so diligently on "other things" that I neglect myself entirely. Of course, there's the nagging voice in the back of my head that tells me to track and walk and stretch every hour, but I push it away for the next deadline and I think that, when I catch up, I will make myself a "thing" again.
The obvious problem is that I don't know anyone who ever feels truly "caught up", and I know that I don't, ever, get to that place where I can breathe and say, "Okay. NOW!" So, I think, this is how someone can wake up fat one morning and, for all the spinning wheels and money-time spent "working on" this, be so much worse off 25 years later.
The reality of this Fall cycle slapped me last night as I fell into bed in sheer exhaustion and woke me up with that familiar twinge of, "How many times are you gonna find yourself in this place, only to go around another year?"
This has to end.
I'm telling myself these things this morning:
Walking every day is ALWAYS good. Don't worry if the burned calories are low compared to other exercise. Start here. Add other things later, but ALWAYS get out and walk. Don't ever think that it won't be worth the time. It is the starting point for everything I want- hiking, biking, swimming. Be intentional. Know that I will walk in the morning. Prepare for that happening. Focus.
Don't get confused by nutrition "facts". In the end, eat things that matter. Don't eat things that don't nourish me. Do vegetables every day, even though they can take more time to prepare. Track diligently and don't "forget" to track because I don't want to own up to the cookie or don't want to be reminded that I forgot vegetables again.
Remember that next Spring will come and that, once again, there's an opportunity before me to finally live what I've been dreaming of. There's a graduation and an epic family photo and college move in day for Grace and an new home for this family. There is a new business launch and new clients and friends. This year, in particular, everything will be new for our family. Who do I want to be when these things roll around?
More than the swishy dresses and visual satisfaction of dropping significant weight, I long for the awareness that I finally jumped out of that nightmare of "cycles" and that I am now on my way to all of the things I've ever wanted.
Streak begins today!
Sunday, August 25, 2013
I'm saddened to realize (but happy at the same time, since truth is power) that the morning walks that I take around our neighborhood loop are registering as "moderate activity" instead of "vigorous activity". It feels pretty vigorous to me.
I'm now aware of just how hard I'm going to have to work to accomplish the new, fit me. My lifestyle was never before so sedentary. I had gained plenty of weight over the years, but had always been very active. I led music at church, kept up with a youth group, and worked an elementary-age after school program. All those jobs are gone from my life now and, in this past year, I've spent countless hours honing my Photoshop/Lightroom skills, post processing sessions, and sewing my daughter's wedding dress. At times, my legs were screaming to move and stretch as I faced deadlines.
I have to walk until I can run. Then I need to run hard and often. I need to Zumba, cycle, yoga, and play until it's like my breath itself.
I'm grateful to this monitor guy on my arm saying, "Nice going, but you're just going to have to try harder." This could really be the helper I've been waiting for.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
I never really "got it" before.
I've wanted and worked to make myself a fit person many, many times. I've had, in the past, limited success. But, as it stands, I'm at the beginning again.
Here I go. Today I will take the first steps toward a better me. This time, however, I'm leaving all of the excuses and sense of futility behind.
I'm just gonna GO!
I'm using my body Media Fit to keep myself accountable. It's been a game-changer for me.
I guess I'm writing this today to put myself "out there" as someone who is setting and reaching goals. My first one will be to meet my numbers every day for a week.
Get An Email Alert Each Time SHAWNGIGI Posts