Monday, July 29, 2013
Well, it's been quite a ride thus far! My biggest stumble has been my frame of mind. You see, I suffer from depression, it's a daily battle for me. And, even though I understand that exercise helps me fight this, there is the physiological aspect of depression that gets me. There is pain at various parts of my body that I cannot ignore. I also don't want to give in to taking that tiny little pill that makes me numb. I have probably always been a little depressed but the loss of my Jordan threw me into an all out downward spiral, one that I still have not found the bottom of. I'm sure, though, I have come close. That's why I haven't posted in a while, I've been battling the dark. But, I am beginning to see light again. Just understanding that I have been here before, convincing myself that I can work my way out of it again, telling myself I am strong enough, has been enough to guide me towards the light.
So, I begin again! I'm starting to get back into the routine of getting up early and that was a big part of my slow down, being tired all the time. I'll start off slow again, walking the dog, elliptical back to 30 minutes, and pressing "PLAY", to listen to the sometimes annoying voices of my exercise tape!
It's all I can do. POSITIVES: still not drinking pop on a regular basis, I had some when we ordered pizza for the first time in 6 months. Still eating light. Still eating right. Still losing. Drinking more water still! These things are now in my lifestyle, and maybe that's why my inevitable journey to the dark was a short one this time. Love and Light! Shar
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Well, I made it to my birthday, indulged, didn't gain any weight but now I'm having trouble getting back on track. Trying to get back on my elliptical is hard, especially when I wake up sore. I've woken up sore and I know that the exercise will only make it better but I need to get to sleep sooner for a longer rest, I know I need at least 7 good hours to function well. I guess I should not have set my 'goal' as my birthday date, I should have set it as a 'check in'. My mind is too weak to know the difference?? I don't know, all I know is that I have to get back on track. How do you get back on track? Thanks, everyone!
Saturday, July 06, 2013
Well, this week has been a bust with only 3 workouts. A lot of eating, and a low energy level. I think that I have lost a little of the wind in my sails but I am not getting down on myself. That is black and white thinking and that is a tough place to try to live, you are either good or bad, no in between. So, the first bit of compassion is going to me. I have worked hard this past month, it doesn't reflect on the scale but I have lost over 10 inches! Six of them around my midsection! I have noticed a huge improvement in my range of mobility, I'm able to twist to reach stuff, when I have to pick something up, I bend my knees and use my muscles to get back up, I'm down two sizes in my pants and all my other pants are fitting loosely - no muffin top or little muffin top. This versus the 2-3 inches falling out of my pants is quite an improvement. So, while I did not work out as much as I wanted to this week, I will make up for it this week. Back on the light eating, more water, and continue my pop ban! 30 days without a coke, who would have thunk? My downfall was my wine and dining. Love to do that. I've upped the ante and will let go of my wine and deal with my depression in other ways - meditation, counselling, and massage. I felt that the depression was coming back and with the loss of a very, sweet, family member on Wednesday, the depression in now layered with yet another death to process. However, my heart is with this family, who have now lost 3 out of 4 of their children. I know how hard it is to have lost 1, my Angel, Jordan, but to lose 3? I cannot even comprehend the pain they must be feeling. So, I go into this week determined to continue this journey, get healthier, physically and mentally, and be thankful for the world around me. Including my family. Focusing on the positive, acknowledging the negative, knowing that I am safe here. Love and Light....JWIL14 (heart)
Wednesday, July 03, 2013
I must say, I've had a rough start to week 4. With the heat, getting blisters on both feet, and sore muscles, it was tough to get going, but I am at it again! I'm older, I get that, I am still closer to 200 pounds, I get that, I'm a big lady, so I have to be patient and keep at it.
What I have noticed it my ability to bend over, twist and reach, and get up and get down a whole lot easier. No more rocking back and forth before I got up, I have more energy and overall, my Spirit is well. I'm looking forward. That's it, looking forward!
Enjoy your week, keep on, you can do this! Best, Shar
Saturday, June 29, 2013
It’s been a few days since my last blog and that’s because the last time I tried to blog I hit the button and the message came back, ‘no html etc’. So, I just forgot about it, then I tried again today and same thing. What is going on? Anyhow, I will try to remember what I wrote earlier and repeat!
I had a day of rest during this blog break, guilt-free. The rest was not planned, I was just super tired, the scale had not moved, I was eating right, and I was frustrated. The next day, same thing, no movement on the scale – to heck with it – I thought. I’ll just have a coffee and be a mouse couch. On the second day, after my coffee, my better senses got a hold of me and I got on the elliptical to complete my daily 30 minute workout. I felt better after that and decided the scale is the scale but my feelings were mine alone and a scale would not dictate how I live my life.
Black and white…this is how I lived and in some respects am still living my life. You see, as a child who was traumatized and an adult who was traumatized, you live your life in black and white, good or bad, one side of the spectrum or the other, no in between. That’s because you learn early to make decisions that will keep you safe, sometimes you make the wrong one, because you are a child and you are not safe. Black and white. This is a hard way to live because you are either right or wrong, no give, just right or wrong. Lots of guilty feelings here, shame at being wrong, or not getting it right. I remember being in college, no ‘A’? Shame. Wow!
Anyhow, my goal this week is to exercise daily, eat healthy, not worry about the number on the scale, and focus inwards on how I feel. I am also going to try to live in the grey area, I don’t know what that looks like, but I hope to find out!
Where ever you are in your journey, do it with compassion for yourself! Love and Light! JWIL14
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