Friday, August 01, 2014
I sometimes wonder if I'm just not the size I'm supposed to be. No matter what, I go back to this. Life is stressful, and I'm busy with my kids, and finding time for exercise and "eating right" just isn't on the agenda.
I don't believe I eat wrong. For the most part, I eat well. I have weeks like this one, with my mom in the hospital and my stress levels are through the roof, where I'm eating out more than I want to, but it's that or go 12+ hours without eating.
Exercise? What is that?? Rushing from shower to get dressed to the long drive to the hospital? Pacing a hospital room? Coming home and just collapsing?
Yeah...things just feel so bad right now.
And yet I know I can't stay this size. It's not healthy. I just can't find balance.
Monday, February 11, 2013
I'm now 6 weeks post partum, and about 30 lbs lighter than where I was 10 months ago. Life is crazy difficult- life with a newborn tends to be. I'm trying hard to not constantly stress eat, as I do not want to gain any of that weight back. It's really hard though.
Since I'm breastfeeding, I'm not trying to lose weight at the moment, just maintain. Even that seems hard, which why I figured I could at least try to track. I have to admit though, I'm looking at the number of calories recommended to maintain and shaking my head. It's a lot of calories.
I feel great. I feel sexy. I cried when I saw the scale go under 200. It was really hard to believe, but even my size 18 jeans feel loose. I haven't tried any size 16's, but maybe this summer when I shop for shorts...
I know it won't be easy. Life, like I said, is really chaotic at the moment. Three kids, one of which is a newborn can be very stressful. Last week, we dealt with RSV, and that was one of the scariest moments in my life to be honest. I never had a sick infant before, and when we thought she'd be hospitalized, I thought I'd go crazy with worry. Friday night, I'm going to admit that the only thing that made me feel better was a bag of Haribo Gummy Bears.
But now it's time to start, or else I will be back to 225 in no time. I can't wait for the spring, and warmer weather. The baby is still too small to take out for walks in this cold weather. And I don't feel comfortable bringing her to the college gym to walk the track- not with the flu and germs going around. Not yet, when she's so little and vulnerable. :(
So, tracking is my goal, at least for a few week. If I lose, that's fine, but I have to aim to not gain.
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
Things have been kind of crazy. I had been working on my gardens as much as I could, although the weather didn't want to cooperate a whole lot. I had made the decision to talk to my physician at my next appointment about my options...
My BMR was around 2700. I was eating around 1500, with the occasional Saturday as a date night/drink night with friends. Even then, I wasn't going over 2700. I wasn't working out as much as I would've liked, but my legs have been in bad shape- very restless and sore at night, mostly on the days I worked out. For awhile I was taking either aspirin/tylenol every night, just to be able to fall asleep. So I wanted to talk to her, and discuss how things weren't working out, etc etc.
Well, it seems I'll be talking to her about something else. Last week, I got a positive pregnancy test. I'm really surprised. While we weren't doing anything to prevent pregnancy, I haven't had my period in over a year. And I really thought my PCOS had taken a turn for the worse- I was getting cyst pains, and it seemed to me the darker areas of my skin were getting darker. I was finding a few more hairs in places there shouldn't be hair...
I'm very happy to be pregnant, but very scared too. I'm a natural child birth advocate and believer, with my last birth being at home with a wonderful midwife. There was no fear, and no anxiety. With my first, I would describe the hospital and everything as traumatic and frightening. So here I am, in a different town, with no access to a trusted (and understanding) midwife. I have a diagnosis of Diabetes, Type II, and every OB in the neighborhood wants to cut me open rather than let me do what I KNOW my body can do. I face the next 9 months fighting for my right to give birth without unnecessary intervention, fighting the stigma of being fat and pregnant and diabetic.
I truly believe that as long as my Blood Sugars are controlled, things will be fine. According to the NIDDK, "research has shown that when women with diabetes keep blood glucose levels under control before and during pregnancy, the risk of birth defects is about the same as in babies born to women who don't have diabetes." This is key.
Of course, as of right now, I'm fighting to keep those sugar levels in check. My fasting has been high, though it seems to be going down as I force myself to eliminate simple carbs and anything that raises my blood sugar. I've also forced myself to work out each day, no matter how tired and sick I feel. I can't give in, and hopefully I'll be rewarded with a doctor/midwife who understands this, and understands how important an intervention free birth is to me.
So we're taking it one day at a time. My first appointment is Thursday (which is another reason I'm stressed- not knowing how this appointment is going to go. That and not having any idea how far along I am...) and I should know if we'll need insulin or not. Luckily I have a great supportive husband, and morning sickness has been minimal. I'm keeping the news on the down-low until hopefully after the end of the first trimester.
Some things I'm keeping in mind:
"High risk doesn't mean you'll have problems. Instead, high risk means you need to pay special attention to your health"
"Millions of high-risk pregnancies produce perfectly healthy babies without the mom's health being affected. Special care and attention are the keys."
I just need to take care of myself, sacrifice a little comfort, and chances are, we'll be fine.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
I had such a great week last week- I was out in the sun, sweating and enjoying the fresh air while I struggled with my huge garden. I got the entire bed in front of my house cleaned, but still have 2 more sides, the small gardens by the chicken coop and my veggie garden beds to work on. Of course, this week is cold and raining. It's sort of depressing.
Oddly enough, I was sore last week, but it was the sort of good sore, where you know you've worked your body. I could feel it in my clothes that I probably lost a half an inch or so, no joke. This week I'm sore, but in a bad way. Ugh!
I've been doing good on everything but the exercise, for the above reason. I've been trying to move around more, at the very least, even though it hasn't been easy. At some point I might have to break out the back support. I think it's just a residual effect from a few days in the hospital with my mom. Too much stress. I should've eaten more dark chocolate. (Ha.)
Still, fingers crossed that I've done enough to be down a little next week. I really don't want to face another HLC with only losing 2-3 lbs. I moved my living room around last week, to our summer arrangement, but that meant moving the treadmill. I need to figure something out, so I can get back on that on these days I can't get outside. I'd kill for a slimmer, more up to date treadmill.
Despite feeling a little blah, which I think is normal after this weekend, I think I'm doing well. I feel like I'm more resilient these days, able to cheer myself up, and not beat myself up. Even allowing myself a few days of "lazy" if I need it. Right now, I really want the pain to go away though. That would make things much easier.
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
BLC #20 is over, and I'm not to happy with how I did. I really struggled this challenge. I just had such a bad bout of depression, which is unsurprising for February, honestly. It's still frustrating. It's so hard to try and deal with that and trying to make healthy changes in my life. But I did end up around 3 lbs lighter, and a few inches thinner, so it's not a loss at all. Just...disappointing I couldn't do better.
I'm hoping the warm weather comes soon. Even mid 50's and sunshine is better than what we've had. Even with a mild winter, SAD hit. (For those of you that asked last entry, SAD is Seasonal Affective Disorder.) I tried making the house lighter, but I guess I really am going to have to invest in a special light next year.
So what's next? Well, I went back to South Beach Phase 1 last week...and I think I'm gonna stick with it for a bit. Now that I'm through the hardest part (those first few days of carb craving hard core) I feel good. There's very little I miss, and given time, some of the stuff I crave most can come back (greek yogurt, fruit, granola)
In the meantime, the things I need to work on most are:
Continuing with water...I was doing really well, and then I got watered out. It's not that I'm drinking anything else (coffee in the morning...), I'm just not one to go and drink aimlessly. I can literally go a whole day with just sipping one 16 oz cup of water, and not once feel thirsty.
Vegetables...I try my best to add them to every meal, but particularly in the morning, I frequently shrug them off. It's not even that I don't like them...I just can't be bothered with the prep, LOL. So more veggies, in each meal, and turning to them for a snack.
Exercise...still a big problem. I don't mind working out, but it's like a fight to get me to do it. Finding a time where I'm alone (the only time I'm comfortable) and distracting me from everything else...that's the issue right now. With the warmer weather coming, I plan on dragging the family out in the evening for family walks, and my garden is screaming for me to get out there and clean the beds and start this years crop.
So those are the big things to work on this month (umm geee...they all seem such basic key items, lol.)
My biggest problem to face is Saturdays. That's when i get the chance to leave the house (the ONLY time, mind you.) and relax with friends. And we drink, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Last week, we went bowling which was pretty cool- I felt like we didn't just sit around drinking with food right there. I avoided eating chips all night (not an easy task when I drink) and when everyone made a fast food run, I did not. But it's hard, and I have openly discussed it with the husband- it's not something I want, or even willing, to give up. So I just have to be careful these days. Last week I banked calories (almost 600 of them), knowing I'd be drinking. It seems it was enough since it was the first Monday that I was the same weight I was before drinking in a long time. Finding some low calorie options would probably be a good idea too. And try as I might, "nursing" a drink for the entire night isn't an option either. At least not an option for me. Kudos to those who can sit with one drink from 9pm to 2 am.
So that's it for now. Plans made, the path has been laid for a few weeks...it's all a matter of doing it, and getting this flaky resolve of mine to turn to steel. I know I can do this. It may be the hardest thing in my life ever, but I am made of strong stuff.
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