Saturday, January 19, 2013
Well, here's the long postponed blog. 2 years ago today, my mother was admitted into the hospital & never came home. I still "Keep on Keepin' On" cuz there's no other option. I wished I could say that I've lost an abundant amount of weight or finally met my goal(s) in the last 2 years but... The truth is; I lost my Mom, learned some lessons & am still in the same boat; pushing, struggling, striving.
2 years ago, I remember extra paramedics being called to my Mom's house because they could not get her out regularly on a stretcher with only a couple responders. They had to call extra forces in to lay her on, well...a tarp, and took 8 paramedics to get her into the ambulance. She was admitted into the hospital & subsequently, the care center...then hospital, then care center & back & forth several times. 7...S-E-V-E-N months (to the day) later, she was gone.
I remember being SO mad. Just now, 2 years later, I'm just finally, truly coming to terms & dealing with it. I'm just NOW missing my 'Mom'. The one who carried me into the house after I fell asleep in the car when getting home from the drive-in movie (the only entertainment she could afford cuz kids were free), the one with the frost blue eye-shadow & afro that took us to Circus-Circus, the one who's smell (stale perfume, cigarette smoke & DoubleMint gum) I longed for to wake me up for school after a night of working the graveyard shift to support my family, the one who tried to rescue my brother & I when we were drowning (& didn't know how to swim herself) in a rip-tide when visiting my Aunt in California, the one who always seemed to make my birthday special even so close to Christmas, the one who wore underwear riddled with holes in order to buy 'name-brand' clothes for my brother & me, the one who worked all day then stayed up all night to be with me when I gave birth to my only child then went right back to work for another shift, the one who translated my Dutch grandma's displeasure with us, the one who loved Halloween, Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, New Year's Eve...ME.
I think of these things & love her, miss her, but still feel so ripped off. She was only 66...Sixty-Six. That's WAY to young to die. I don't want to die in 22 years. I want to see my grandkids get married & have families of their own. That's why I was mad. It was just too soon. She just gave up. I saw a side of my Mom during her time of 'rehabilitation' that I didn't care to see. The human side, I guess. She just didn't TRY. Even the care center told her that she was a very 'self-limiting' patient.
It was so hard during that time. Working 2 jobs, running my house, going to see her 4Xs a week (but it just wasn't go to visit her myself, it was...pick up Aunt Sal [who is fairly immobile herself]) run errands, pay bills, petition the State for benefits, deal with the care center (with a none too pleasant reputation), respond to emergency calls in the middle of the night. I tried to be supportive of her although I felt burnt-out & bitter due to her lack of effort. At times when I saw her she seemed unappreciative of what was involved to get there. And then she would not even talk to Aunt Sal & I and just watch TV.
Once she transitioned from the temporary re-hab unit to the resident type area, things went downhill. When a roommate was moved in with her, things plummeted (Mom was never a social butterfly). I still remember the day of the call. I had just gotten all the rig-a-ma-roll ready for my workout. A CNA was calling to express his condolences... Wha...? "Has the hospital not contacted you?" And that was the beginning of the end of my mother's life.
In the meantime, my drinking increased exponentially. I am now dealing with that and the ups & downs of weight loss and life. I have been able to pin-point some reasons (aka...excuses) why I haven't reached my goal weight (or even gotten close, for that matter) as of yet. Well, 1st off...since my Mom's death, I've really been boozing it up; totally self medicating. 2nd, completely inconsistent. I think the only thing I'm consistent at is being inconsistent. 3; I ain't getting any younger; I never thought it true but losing weight over 40 is a b*tch. 4) My activity level has decreased; I stopped doing paper routes (probably a mile a day), quit Wiseguys (about 5 miles per nite when scheduled) & don't have to tackle a flight of stairs every time I need to pee now that I left Cache Commodities. 5: Lastly, not a lot of support outside of SPARKPeople.
I need to use these learned lessons as motivation to improve. I never want to be there; I never want to just give up. I remember my mother standing up & being SO sore. When I stand up; I'm sore, but I'm sore because I DO activity, not the other way around. I want to be here for by grandkids & THEIR kids.
That's why I "Keep on Keepin' On."
~Martina Alberta Germer*4/11/45 - 8/19/11~
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Well...as positive & upbeat as yesterday's status was, the day quickly turned to sh*t. As some know, my Mom fell about midnight on Mon & Shayne & I went & got her up & in bed. As I was starting my workout Tue morn, I get a call from my Aunt (they live together) saying Mom feels she needs to go to the hospital which pretty much tells me she's in pain bad if she WANTS to go. She can't walk let alone get down the 5 porch steps so they call in like 4 add'l fire fighters & get her on this tarp thing with handles to carry her out (yep, Mom's a big lady but the crazy/scary thing is she's only 15#s more than me). She's crying out in pain (even the morphine in the hospital didn't take it all away), peeing everywhere (fairly incontinent at this time) & apologizing repeatedly. And that was just at the house. Needless to say, the day did not improve much.
She IS okay. They took X-rays & no broken bones. It's always amusing to see how amazed the Dr.s & techs are when they do see her X-rays. It's pretty much bone on bone @ the knee. BUT, she can't get knee surgery cuz of her heart & can't risk the heart until she loses weight & she does not care to lose weight...and there is my Mom's viscous cycle & my motivation. The whole time I was at the hospital I was thinking, 'This is why I keep on keepin' on. I may not lose weight but I never want to be to that point.' My mom didn't make it better by saying I have bad knees like her. When I disagreed she said hers weren't bad in her 40s either. But I am WAY more active than she EVER was. I do TurboFire & Zumba for crap's sake! (But it still scared me.)
And the worst thing is, I'm finding it hard to be sympathetic. Due to the regularity of her problems & the fact that she does nothing about it, I'm starting to become apathetic. And I don't like the way that makes me feel. I think the 1st step there is try to get a little more of God in my life because I'm just becoming too self-concerned & negative.
Well, didn't really intend to write a 'blog' but thanks for being there & listening & understanding when no one else does.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Geez! I did it! I'm under 250 pounds & consistently enough that I feel I can claim it. And I didn't even have to hack off an appendage!
I just have to say, this is taking a lot longer than I thought it would. I had lost some weight a few years back (only to gain it all back) and, although that was only 7 years ago, it was easier & faster. Granted, I wasn't working as much & had more time to devote to the cause.
As frustrated as I can get about the time factor, I have to ask myself where I would be if I didn't just keep going? I may still be 'clinically obese', but I have an excellent/athletic heart-rate for one my age & weight. My thighs may still be the size of some people's waists, but I can BRING IT (for a phat gurl) during my workouts! One of my favorite self-quotes is 'Where skill fails, stubbornness prevails.' I may not be great at this or doing it 'right' (with my love for food and, dare I say, drink), but I just keep going. I can't even imagine NOT.
Thanks to all my SPARK friends for your encouragement & support. You help me when I struggle & I really don't think I'd even be here without you.
I'd really like to reach my goal weight by spring of 2011. Who knows? But, until then, I'll just Keep on Keepin' On.
Ain't nuttin' to it but to do it!
Sunday, May 09, 2010
I have GOT to vent because, if not, my head is gonna pop right off my shoulders! I have to say that I am getting beyond frustrated! I just CANNOT get under 250 pounds. I have been bouncing between 255 & 265 for a damn YEAR! When I 1st became truly active on SPARKPeople a year ago March, I lost 30 pounds in 3 months! Than...nothing, nada, zip, zilcho! Admittedly, I was a bit of a slacker the back 1/2 of last year & can't complain too much about not losing weight when I wasn't working out regularly & the eating was sub-par. But, having learned some lessons, I recommitted at the beginning of the year & have been working out & tracking consistency since then. Albeit, my diet still isn't perfect but it IS a helluva lot better than it once was.
It's been 2 months since my self-designated 1 Year SPARKversary. At that time, I was convinced my body was about to ignite & start burning off some of this weight. But.....no. I've gone thru all the reasons/excuses...muscle weighs more than fat, losing inches not weight (this is true but only slightly), being over 40 it's much harder, could I possibly be pre-diabetic or have thyroid problems, yada...yada...yada. In the end, no matter WHAT it is...it's DAMN FRUSTRATING!
These last 3 weeks, I have exercised 17 days out of 21. And when I workout, especially Zumba, I hit it hard! After Zumba, I am LITERALLY pouring sweat. The calorie burn during those workouts are usually 550 - 650. Between that & eating in range most of the days, that's has GOT to burn a pound or 2.
During May, I am going to dig my heels in (even deeper) & put my stubborn streak to work...living out a favorite quote, "Stubbornness is also determination. It's simply a matter of shifting from WON'T power to WILL power." (Peter Williams).
I plan on doing 10 'doubles' (1 is already under my belt) this month. I'll do Hip Hop ABS in the morning with my honey & hit Zumba & Pump FX in the evening Tue-Thu. If THAT doesn't get me out of the 250s, I'm hacking off an appendage!
Friday, March 12, 2010
The weekend stretch from my SPARKTeam, Just do it!, is to update our SPARKPage to reflect who we are & how far we've come. I do so pretty regular so here's a blog to commemorate my 1-year (well, sorta) SPARKversary.
I joined SPARK in fall of '07 & was active for awhile then not. About a year later I injured my knee & gained (on top of being clinically 'obese' already) 30 pounds in about 4 months! In the meantime, I turned 40 & was not very happy about feeling old between the weight gain (290#s at this point), gimpiness & turning The Big 4-OH!
Finally, March 1, 2009, I got back on SPARK & haven't looked back. While I haven't reached my goal weight (actually far from it), I've learned a lot & have no doubts that I will eventually.
I think the biggest & most important change I've made (thanks to The SPARK) is the belief that this is for life & for a lifetime. Also, it doesn't have to be black & white. I didn't realize how legalistic my thinking was concerning my weight-loss efforts.
I can't tell you how much the support, accountability and encouragement from my SPARK friends is appreciated. I truly believe this is the reason I'm still here & gotten this far. THANKS GALS! I LOVE YA!
This is the season of change. This is the time that it all comes together. I'm glad you're here with me.
Get An Email Alert Each Time SHANNONIGANS Posts