SHANNONIGANS   52,570
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2 years later & many lessons learned.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Well, here's the long postponed blog. 2 years ago today, my mother was admitted into the hospital & never came home. I still "Keep on Keepin' On" cuz there's no other option. I wished I could say that I've lost an abundant amount of weight or finally met my goal(s) in the last 2 years but... The truth is; I lost my Mom, learned some lessons & am still in the same boat; pushing, struggling, striving.

2 years ago, I remember extra paramedics being called to my Mom's house because they could not get her out regularly on a stretcher with only a couple responders. They had to call extra forces in to lay her on, well...a tarp, and took 8 paramedics to get her into the ambulance. She was admitted into the hospital & subsequently, the care center...then hospital, then care center & back & forth several times. 7...S-E-V-E-N months (to the day) later, she was gone.

I remember being SO mad. Just now, 2 years later, I'm just finally, truly coming to terms & dealing with it. I'm just NOW missing my 'Mom'. The one who carried me into the house after I fell asleep in the car when getting home from the drive-in movie (the only entertainment she could afford cuz kids were free), the one with the frost blue eye-shadow & afro that took us to Circus-Circus, the one who's smell (stale perfume, cigarette smoke & DoubleMint gum) I longed for to wake me up for school after a night of working the graveyard shift to support my family, the one who tried to rescue my brother & I when we were drowning (& didn't know how to swim herself) in a rip-tide when visiting my Aunt in California, the one who always seemed to make my birthday special even so close to Christmas, the one who wore underwear riddled with holes in order to buy 'name-brand' clothes for my brother & me, the one who worked all day then stayed up all night to be with me when I gave birth to my only child then went right back to work for another shift, the one who translated my Dutch grandma's displeasure with us, the one who loved Halloween, Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, New Year's Eve...ME.

I think of these things & love her, miss her, but still feel so ripped off. She was only 66...Sixty-Six. That's WAY to young to die. I don't want to die in 22 years. I want to see my grandkids get married & have families of their own. That's why I was mad. It was just too soon. She just gave up. I saw a side of my Mom during her time of 'rehabilitation' that I didn't care to see. The human side, I guess. She just didn't TRY. Even the care center told her that she was a very 'self-limiting' patient.
It was so hard during that time. Working 2 jobs, running my house, going to see her 4Xs a week (but it just wasn't go to visit her myself, it was...pick up Aunt Sal [who is fairly immobile herself]) run errands, pay bills, petition the State for benefits, deal with the care center (with a none too pleasant reputation), respond to emergency calls in the middle of the night. I tried to be supportive of her although I felt burnt-out & bitter due to her lack of effort. At times when I saw her she seemed unappreciative of what was involved to get there. And then she would not even talk to Aunt Sal & I and just watch TV.

Once she transitioned from the temporary re-hab unit to the resident type area, things went downhill. When a roommate was moved in with her, things plummeted (Mom was never a social butterfly). I still remember the day of the call. I had just gotten all the rig-a-ma-roll ready for my workout. A CNA was calling to express his condolences... Wha...? "Has the hospital not contacted you?" And that was the beginning of the end of my mother's life.

In the meantime, my drinking increased exponentially. I am now dealing with that and the ups & downs of weight loss and life. I have been able to pin-point some reasons (aka...excuses) why I haven't reached my goal weight (or even gotten close, for that matter) as of yet. Well, 1st off...since my Mom's death, I've really been boozing it up; totally self medicating. 2nd, completely inconsistent. I think the only thing I'm consistent at is being inconsistent. 3; I ain't getting any younger; I never thought it true but losing weight over 40 is a b*tch. 4) My activity level has decreased; I stopped doing paper routes (probably a mile a day), quit Wiseguys (about 5 miles per nite when scheduled) & don't have to tackle a flight of stairs every time I need to pee now that I left Cache Commodities. 5: Lastly, not a lot of support outside of SPARKPeople.

I need to use these learned lessons as motivation to improve. I never want to be there; I never want to just give up. I remember my mother standing up & being SO sore. When I stand up; I'm sore, but I'm sore because I DO activity, not the other way around. I want to be here for by grandkids & THEIR kids.
That's why I "Keep on Keepin' On."

~Martina Alberta Germer*4/11/45 - 8/19/11~

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEAUTIFLDZSTR 1/20/2013 4:53PM

    OMG....tears, thats all I have right now is tears, no thoughts I can even attempt to put into words so HUGS is all I got, I know it isnt much but....

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DANNILYNN1 1/20/2013 10:31AM

    I can't even imagine what you had to deal with during those 7 months and the loss of your mother. I understand you don't want to put your children/grandchildren through the same. I keep thinking how selfish it is of me that by not taking care of myself I could die young, leaving my niece and nephews. I could probably even die before my siblings, even though I am the youngest.
Keep in touch.

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MISSM0929 1/20/2013 8:43AM

    WOW Shannonigans! This is very heart-breaking and thought-provoking, while at the same time, it is inspirational. I hope that it was healing for your heart and soul to get this out because I can tell you, it is eye-opening for those of us reading it. I pray that you continue to heal and that the pain becomes less each day.
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LISAW/3 1/20/2013 1:05AM

    I am sorry for the loss of your mother and the struggles you've had, but I am so happy that you are able to express those feelings and now begin to deal with them. You've made such emotional progress that hopefully that will translate to physical progress, too. Thank you for sharing what you have been going through and I'm sorry if you haven't received enough support. Please remember your Spark friends are here to lend a listening ear whenever needed!
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A reminder of why I keep on keepin' on.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Well...as positive & upbeat as yesterday's status was, the day quickly turned to sh*t. As some know, my Mom fell about midnight on Mon & Shayne & I went & got her up & in bed. As I was starting my workout Tue morn, I get a call from my Aunt (they live together) saying Mom feels she needs to go to the hospital which pretty much tells me she's in pain bad if she WANTS to go. She can't walk let alone get down the 5 porch steps so they call in like 4 add'l fire fighters & get her on this tarp thing with handles to carry her out (yep, Mom's a big lady but the crazy/scary thing is she's only 15#s more than me). She's crying out in pain (even the morphine in the hospital didn't take it all away), peeing everywhere (fairly incontinent at this time) & apologizing repeatedly. And that was just at the house. Needless to say, the day did not improve much.
She IS okay. They took X-rays & no broken bones. It's always amusing to see how amazed the Dr.s & techs are when they do see her X-rays. It's pretty much bone on bone @ the knee. BUT, she can't get knee surgery cuz of her heart & can't risk the heart until she loses weight & she does not care to lose weight...and there is my Mom's viscous cycle & my motivation. The whole time I was at the hospital I was thinking, 'This is why I keep on keepin' on. I may not lose weight but I never want to be to that point.' My mom didn't make it better by saying I have bad knees like her. When I disagreed she said hers weren't bad in her 40s either. But I am WAY more active than she EVER was. I do TurboFire & Zumba for crap's sake! (But it still scared me.)
And the worst thing is, I'm finding it hard to be sympathetic. Due to the regularity of her problems & the fact that she does nothing about it, I'm starting to become apathetic. And I don't like the way that makes me feel. I think the 1st step there is try to get a little more of God in my life because I'm just becoming too self-concerned & negative.
Well, didn't really intend to write a 'blog' but thanks for being there & listening & understanding when no one else does.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANGIEF09 1/19/2011 12:21PM

    I am so sorry you had such a rough day yesterday. I know it's hard to see our Mom's in pain especially when they don't want to do anything about getting healthy. You are lucky tho, your Mom is still with you mabye this will have scared her into getting healthy. My Mom waited too long and I lost her 7 months ago because she didn't look after herself.

On another note, you are not being selfish saying you don't want to be like her. I said the same thing over and over and I now am doing something about that.
My daughter and I both use that same quote "Keep on keeping on". Stick by that and you will succeed we are all here to help and support you.

When I lost my Mom last June I went thru a couple month depression where I stopped working out and watching what I was eating, and luckily (not sure if it's cause my metablolism changed) but I only gaine a few pounds back that I had already lost. Well now I am back on track and more determined to do it the "right" way.

Good luck to you and I do hope your Mom gets healthy. Here for you anytime
Angie emoticon

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LISAW/3 1/19/2011 11:47AM

    I'm sorry to hear about your mom's struggles, but I understand everything you're saying, from the motivation to the apathy.
You are doing great by being there with her and helping her the best you can, but you are right that you can't make her take better care of herself. But you can take better care of yourself and that's exactly what you have been doing!
Keep up the Zumba and Turbo Jam. Even if the pounds aren't leaving, you are still making yourself healthier!

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JOYMEDSALE 1/19/2011 8:35AM

    Wow! What a tough day! I do know it is hard to be sympathetic, when it appears that the person does not care about themselves. I have a similar situation in my life. But -- we all know it is not easy, and unfortunately, some folks seem to just give up.

Do not let that get in your way. Use it to give you the strength to pursue your goals. Take a look, as you did, and remember how much happier you are active and healthy and hang it there. (I know, talk is cheap and it really is harder to do than to say it!!) But SP is here to help you up when you fall down. We all want a healthier life and we all are learning, together, how to get there.

Hang in there!!

Joy emoticon

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Man, FINALLY!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

emoticonGeez! I did it! I'm under 250 pounds & consistently enough that I feel I can claim it. And I didn't even have to hack off an appendage!
I just have to say, this is taking a lot longer than I thought it would. I had lost some weight a few years back (only to gain it all back) and, although that was only 7 years ago, it was easier & faster. Granted, I wasn't working as much & had more time to devote to the cause.
As frustrated as I can get about the time factor, I have to ask myself where I would be if I didn't just keep going? I may still be 'clinically obese', but I have an excellent/athletic heart-rate for one my age & weight. My thighs may still be the size of some people's waists, but I can BRING IT (for a phat gurl) during my workouts! One of my favorite self-quotes is 'Where skill fails, stubbornness prevails.' I may not be great at this or doing it 'right' (with my love for food and, dare I say, drink), but I just keep going. I can't even imagine NOT.
Thanks to all my SPARK friends for your encouragement & support. You help me when I struggle & I really don't think I'd even be here without you.
I'd really like to reach my goal weight by spring of 2011. Who knows? But, until then, I'll just Keep on Keepin' On.

Ain't nuttin' to it but to do it! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WANAKA 8/20/2010 11:48AM

    Keep on keeping on! You'll get there...slow and steady wins the race (yea, I know it's a bit too slow for you, but still!) emoticon

*huggzz*

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MCMOMMAOF3 8/20/2010 3:31AM

    Don't worry about the past. Take pride in where you are now. You are doing a great job. keep pushing forward and you will hit that goal sooner than you know. emoticon

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ALLISAMAZING 8/19/2010 11:03PM

    emoticon

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LISAW/3 8/19/2010 10:28PM

    Congratulations! You've been working hard and all those fitness minutes are finaly showing results!
Keep it going!

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SUSANS111 8/19/2010 10:15PM

    Congratulations!!!
You've got a great attitude. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Frakkin'...ARGH!!!

Sunday, May 09, 2010

I have GOT to vent because, if not, my head is gonna pop right off my shoulders! I have to say that I am getting beyond frustrated! I just CANNOT get under 250 pounds. I have been bouncing between 255 & 265 for a damn YEAR! When I 1st became truly active on SPARKPeople a year ago March, I lost 30 pounds in 3 months! Than...nothing, nada, zip, zilcho! Admittedly, I was a bit of a slacker the back 1/2 of last year & can't complain too much about not losing weight when I wasn't working out regularly & the eating was sub-par. But, having learned some lessons, I recommitted at the beginning of the year & have been working out & tracking consistency since then. Albeit, my diet still isn't perfect but it IS a helluva lot better than it once was.
It's been 2 months since my self-designated 1 Year SPARKversary. At that time, I was convinced my body was about to ignite & start burning off some of this weight. But.....no. I've gone thru all the reasons/excuses...muscle weighs more than fat, losing inches not weight (this is true but only slightly), being over 40 it's much harder, could I possibly be pre-diabetic or have thyroid problems, yada...yada...yada. In the end, no matter WHAT it is...it's DAMN FRUSTRATING!
These last 3 weeks, I have exercised 17 days out of 21. And when I workout, especially Zumba, I hit it hard! After Zumba, I am LITERALLY pouring sweat. The calorie burn during those workouts are usually 550 - 650. Between that & eating in range most of the days, that's has GOT to burn a pound or 2.
During May, I am going to dig my heels in (even deeper) & put my stubborn streak to work...living out a favorite quote, "Stubbornness is also determination. It's simply a matter of shifting from WON'T power to WILL power." (Peter Williams).
I plan on doing 10 'doubles' (1 is already under my belt) this month. I'll do Hip Hop ABS in the morning with my honey & hit Zumba & Pump FX in the evening Tue-Thu. If THAT doesn't get me out of the 250s, I'm hacking off an appendage!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WANAKA 5/13/2010 9:38AM

    I feel your pain and will email you. It sounds like you have the equation (diet and exercise) right, but there are little tweaks that might help. Have you read the articles on breaking plateaus?

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CARRAND 5/9/2010 8:03PM

    Hang in there. You're doing the right things. Keep up the exercise and stay in your calorie range. Don't eat too little or you will slow you metabolism. I'm assuming you've had a medical check up and there is nothing serious wrong. You lost 30 pounds and that's a good thing. You will get there.

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LISAW/3 5/9/2010 5:57PM

    Hang in there! The only thing I can think of is that maybe your calories in/calories out ratio is off. If you eat too many calories you won't lose weight, but we know if you don't eat enough calories you won't lose weight either.
Your frustration is valid and understandable, but I am glad you are not letting it take over!

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BEAUTIFLDZSTR 5/9/2010 3:12PM

    Girl I so understand, I was there. You will cross that danged barrier I know you will.

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MARLADIA 5/9/2010 2:29PM

  KEEP TRYING. IT WILL HAPPEN. I HAVE TO ASK THOUGH SINCE YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT. ARE YOU GETTING YOUR WATER IN?? I KNOW IF I DON'T DRINK MY WATER I HAVE WATER WEIGHT GAIN. IT DOESN'T REALLY COME OFF EITHER UNTIL YOU START GETTING THE 8 GLASSES A DAY EVERY DAY. JUST A THOUGHT. HOPE THIS HELPS. HAVE A HAPPY MOTHERS DAY. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KANSASLAKERFAN 5/9/2010 2:25PM

    I think lobbing off an appendage might be a bit drastic emoticon, but I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind a time or two .. lol. I commend you on your choice here. Think about how many people would have just given up in your situation. It takes a lot of courage and self-discipline to keep doing what you know you are supposed to do, even when the promised reward seems to be missing at the moment. You chose to dig you heels in, and that is a very strong decision to make. One thing to consider: Ask youself about the other markers of becoming healthier, not just the weight. Do you feel better? More energy? Less stress? Clothes fit better? Less soreness after a workout? These are also big measures of success! Try not to spend all your time focusing on the number, and enjoy the healthier person you are becoming. Will think good thoughs for you! Keep up the great work emoticon

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My SPARKPage is TIGHT! So...here's a blog instead.

Friday, March 12, 2010

The weekend stretch from my SPARKTeam, Just do it!, is to update our SPARKPage to reflect who we are & how far we've come. I do so pretty regular so here's a blog to commemorate my 1-year (well, sorta) SPARKversary. emoticon

I joined SPARK in fall of '07 & was active for awhile then not. About a year later I injured my knee & gained (on top of being clinically 'obese' already) 30 pounds in about 4 months! In the meantime, I turned 40 & was not very happy about feeling old between the weight gain (290#s at this point), gimpiness & turning The Big 4-OH!
Finally, March 1, 2009, I got back on SPARK & haven't looked back. While I haven't reached my goal weight (actually far from it), I've learned a lot & have no doubts that I will eventually.
I think the biggest & most important change I've made (thanks to The SPARK) is the belief that this is for life & for a lifetime. Also, it doesn't have to be black & white. I didn't realize how legalistic my thinking was concerning my weight-loss efforts.
I can't tell you how much the support, accountability and encouragement from my SPARK friends is appreciated. I truly believe this is the reason I'm still here & gotten this far. THANKS GALS! emoticonI LOVE YA!

This is the season of change. This is the time that it all comes together. I'm glad you're here with me. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WANAKA 3/17/2010 9:03AM

    Congratulations on your Sparkversary! :D Thankx for being here for me.

I know you can do it - just keep learning and applying, be consistent and don't quit!!

I luv ya too :)

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XRSIZE4 3/16/2010 5:10PM

    Great Blog Shannon! You got me started on this and I can't thank you enough. I know that you will reach your goal when it is your time. So you keep meeting those challenges and when you have a bad day just push past it. One day is nothing in a lifetime commitment that you have made to yourself. I am so PROUD of you girlfriend

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donna

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LISAW/3 3/13/2010 10:46AM

    Congratulations on your Spark-iversary! You've made so much progress- above and beyond just the number on the scale. Not to mention that you have been an awesome source of support for SO many of us here on Spark. You were the first one to reach out to me when I joined and you were my first Spark Friend.
Thank you and good luck with your next year!
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FITKAT2010 3/12/2010 10:26PM

    You are a terrific part of this Spark experience. Thank YOU!

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BEAUTIFLDZSTR 3/12/2010 9:52PM

    wow your even getting smarter lol, just kidding, well not really you are smarter but.... okay i am shutting up now. Glad your learning as you go

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LINIS_THIN 3/12/2010 9:38PM

    looks like a lightbulb emoticon moment!!

Keep up the good work!
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DEBBIE1414 3/12/2010 9:37PM

    Great blog! Keep up the good work. Have a great weekend!

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