Wednesday, May 09, 2012
I just don't know what to think or do right now. After all this time talking about, my boyfriend tells me today that he's not ready to have a baby.
It wasn't as though I didn't ask him. I asked him several times. Are you okay with this, I said. Are you sure you want this? Are you sure you want more kids? Every time I asked, he said yes. He has always been the one talking more about it than me. Now he doesn't want to do it. He says he's just not ready right now.
Why couldn't he just be honest with me when I asked? I'm crushed. I mean, all I asked him to do was come to the appointment with me and fill out the paperwork. If he doesn't even want to do that, what makes me think he'll want to have a kid with me? I understand that his kids are grown up and are just graduating college and stuff. He wants a breather. But I'm not saying I want to get pregnant tomorrow! I just started my blood pressure meds and antidepressants like 2 weeks ago! I'm in no condition to get pregnant. I have to lose weight first before I can even consider it because my weight is what's causing my blood pressure to be so high. This is just an evaluation. Even the person I spoke to at the clinic told me that I'd most likely have to spend time getting my other health issues under control before I get pregnant.
What if this is just not meant to be? Maybe I'm wrong about him and our relationship and my desire to have children. Maybe none of it is supposed to work and I'm destined to never be a mom or get married or anything. He's 12 years older than me. How much longer is he realistically going to wait to have another child? What if it takes me 2 years to get to a healthy weight and by then he doesn't want one at all? Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing, trying to have a baby. Perhaps I've never gotten pregnant for a reason.
I need to take charge of this situation but I'm not sure how. I can't make him want babies. I mean, it's not that he says he doesn't want to at all. He just said not right now. But what does that mean? I really want to have children and am willing to do whatever it takes but there's only so much I can do alone. If he's not in this with me, then where does that leave our relationship? Do I have to end things? I don't want to but it's a real possibility that this might be the end.
I just don't know what to do.
Tuesday, May 08, 2012
Well, Spark friends, I have taken another step toward my dream of becoming a mother. I finally called and made an appointment with the fertility specialist. Of course, I was freaking out beforehand, asking myself all sorts of questions. Am I really ready for this? Do I really want to do this? Does my sweetheart really want more kids? On and on the questions went. I imagined my life without children. Carefree, fun, loose. Lots of sleeping late. Nobody to clean up after. Travel. Sex any time we want it. But then I thought about life with children. Loud, choatic, fullfilling, fun, challenging, unique and full of love. Kids won.
This process may be more challenging than I anticipate, but I'm ready for it. I'm willing to do whatever I have to do to have a family. I won't let my weight, my blood pressure or anything else stop me. And even if I can't conceive, there are plenty of children out there who need to be loved and I would be absolutely willing to love them.
I used to get angry with God every time somebody I know got pregnant "accidentally". I used to think, "Well, why not me?" But perhaps this is best. I always said I wanted my kids to know that they were 100% wanted. To go through the tests that I will have to take and all the work I will need to do to lose weight, I have to really want this. Looks like I'll get my wish after all.
This is a serious step and I don't take it lightly. Neither of us do. My sweetheart has wanted us to become a family for years but I was always afraid and hesitant. That's so ironic to me because I never dreamed that my partner would be the one 100% ready and I would be dragging my feet. I can't afford to let any more time get away. Besides that, WHAT am I waiting for? I'm not 19. I'm 31 years old! I've got my act together. I work, I'm smart, I have done some pretty awesome stuff...what else do I need to prove to myself that I can do this?
Please pray for me, Spark friends! Please pray that my lady parts just need a gentle nudge and not a big push toward baby. My appointment is next Friday. I will keep you posted.
Thursday, May 03, 2012
It has been an oddly eventful week for me.
I was so happy to finally go see both my primary care doctor and gynecologist after almost two years of neglecting to go. I am now back on bp meds and taking anti-depressants (woohoo!). I talked to my doctor and gynecologist about having babies and both said that since my periods are regular, I am ovulating as I should be. But my gynecologist said that there may be several reasons why I've never had a pregnancy. I could have a blockage of some kind, I may have a hostile environment or it could just be unexplained infertility. She gave me a number and a name for a doctor to go see who specializes in fertility. I've been holding on to the paper but I've yet to call. Part of me is afraid to know. What if I can't have a baby? I'd be so heartbroken.
Another part of me believes that I am fine. Nothing's wrong and that it just isn't my time yet. I should really concentrate on losing weight first but I know I can't put this off for too much longer. I'm going to be 32 in July and I feel like I'm racing to beat it before my 35th. Too, I really want to be a mother. I've always wanted to be a mother and I've never been more sure of that. I have the perfect partner who I know will be there for me and our kids. I guess I'm just anxious.
In the last week since I've been back on medication, I've noticed a remarkable drop in my weight. Also, I haven't been eating very much. I have been monstrously sick since last week and had virtually no appetite. I'm guessing that most of it was water weight. My face is noticeably thinner as are my legs, chest and arms. My boyfriend did a double-take yesterday when he saw me get out of the car. I have to say that I feel almost a million times better than I did just a week ago. I feel lighter, more clear-minded. If it wasn't for the sickness, I could take much deeper breaths now. And my energy levels seem to be getting better.
Whatever the reason, I won't let myself think too much about it. I'm just going to go with it. Besides, it feels good to say no to things and stop when I feel I've had enough. I haven't had that yucky, stuffed feeling for over a week now and I'm happy about that. As soon as I kick this chest cold to the curb, I'm going to start exercising.
Has the change finally taken root?
Thursday, April 26, 2012
I went to the doctor for the first time in about two years yesterday. I had put it off again and again because I was afraid of what the doctors would tell me, but I made up my mind that if I was serious about losing weight, I needed to get the right kind of help.
My new doctor is nice. He greeted me with a handshake, sat down and let me talk. This was quite a new experience for me since I was used to having doctors who make you sit and wait for hours and then rush you out of their offices before you even know what's happened to you.
I talked about my weight mostly and how I really want to get it under control. I talked a lot about my anxiety issues, stress and just my general feelings of blah. He asked me if I ever had any feelings of depression and I said yes. He gave me an evaluation and after tallying the results, he told me that I was severely depressed. Which I knew.
We talked about my blood pressure too, which was insanely high. Then we came back around to my weight. He said that most people who weigh as much as I do (I did not look at the scale when I weighed in, nor did he tell me the number), generally don't have a high success rate with reaching their goals. But, he added on a more optimistic note, it's not impossible and because I had worked so hard and lost weight before it was entirely possible.
He prescribed me blood pressure medicine (a combination water pill and potassium pill) and anti-depressants, which I knew I needed. He said that the anti-depressants will help get me motivated to do more things, participate more in life and improve my energy levels.
I felt so relieved when I left him. FINALLY, somebody on this earth doesn't think I'm just making excuses! Finally somebody understands that there is something holding me back from doing what I know I can do. I told my boyfriend about it but I could still hear in his voice that he wasn't convinced. But this morning I had a thought about that and he confirmed it yesterday. I have thought my boyfriend was depressed for a long time. I think he has been somewhat in denial about it too. He would often tell me things and when I suggest that he get help, he clams up and says he's fine.
When I described to him how I was feeling (hopelessness, low energy, not wanting to do anything but stay inside, lack of focus) and what the medicine would do, he quickly said, "I think that's what I need. I feel like that too." But as soon as I suggested he go talk to his doctor, he said, "No, no. It's ok. I'm all right."
My boyfriend and my mother are the only two people who strenuously insist that I'm just being lazy when it comes to losing weight. Neither would accept it when I told them that I felt like something was wrong with me, that I wasn't myself and I felt like something was blocking me from doing it on my own. They got ANGRY with me. Now I'm beginning to think that me admitting my problem might be forcing them to look more closely at themselves and things they may not want to face.
But the most important thing right now is getting my weight under control. I have to give the antidepressants time to work, of course. I can already feel the BP medicine at work. The tightness in my chest has alleviated greatly since I took my first dose yesterday afternoon. I'm excited just thinking about returning to my old, normal self. I bet if I go back and read my blogs, I can pinpoint the depression signs in each one of them. I try to stay as optimistic as possible, but saying and doing are two different things. I'm doing a lot of saying and not a whole helluva lot of doing.
I'm finally getting the help I needed for so long but it's frightening to me how many people don't acknowledge and treat their depression. I am one of those people. I knew I was depressed but I thought I could slog through it on my own. I didn't need pills to make me better. A lot remains to be seen, but I feel more hopeful today than I did yesterday about my success.
I'm not looking to slim down to 125lbs. I'd be happy at 230lbs. I know in my heart that I was not designed to be that slim and I'm tired of forcing myself to think I can be. It hurts to give up that dream. It really does. But it is just a dream and my body will find its place. Now I start the work of accepting that I will never be Beyonce.
Monday, April 23, 2012
I don't mean to sound bitter grapes, but I can't stand those Jennifer Hudson Weight Watchers commercials. Every time I hear her sing, "If you want it, you got it" I want to dive through the television and choke her to silence.
It's not just her. I hate all those weight loss commercials, especially the ones that push diet products. There's one where an overweight woman's body is described as disgusting and unsightly while she walks. I don't believe in shaming people to get them to change.
I spent all day Saturday in the house. I had planned it that way since I had been out every weekend and just wanted time alone to get myself together. I spent the better part of Saturday pysching myself up to exercise. Get up and get on the bike, I'd say. Turn on the Wii and do the EA Sports Active. I didn't do any of it. I paced around. I slept. I ate. I watched television and I crocheted. Mostly I talked to God and tried harder to listen to what he was saying to me.
I believe that God sends us messages all the time. Always things for our benefit. I don't believe God wants any of us to fail. I could hear God telling me to get up, get moving. This is the thing that will truly CHANGE YOUR LIFE. But all I was listening to was my fear of that change. It seems illogical to be afraid of something that you know will bring you joy, but I'm learning to accept that I am not always a logical person. As much sense as I do make, I am 10x more illogical.
I slept on the couch Saturday night with the television on. I awake early Sunday morning when my cat jumped down from his resting place on my back. A paid advertisement was on. It was for a diet product. I awoke hearing the words: WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE! THIS IS YOUR TIME!
Without a second thought, I said, "You're right." I immediately got up, splashed water on my face, dressed and walked out the door. I drove to the nearest park, got out and walked. The park was not very large and was mostly even plane, so I decided to take the streets, which had more inclines. I walked for 45 minutes, stretched afterward and returned to my car to have a convo with God.
I offered my gratitude for being able to do that and just spent some time recognizing my gifts. After spending so many years ignoring or hiding what was special about me--all the wonderful things that God filled me up with--it seems only right to stop and appreciate myself more. And it feels good. I'm not comparing myself to anyone or anything like that. I'm just saying stuff like, "Wow, I can't believe I did that. I'm stronger than I thought I was. I'm a determined young woman." It restores me.
So this morning I'm thinking that I should be grateful for those stupid diet commercials. If it wasn't for that one yesterday, I would have laid around all day, emotionally beating myself up for not exercising yet again.
And God must have been busy this weekend because my sweetheart told me this morning that he joined a gym over the weekend! I felt so proud of him and it gave my determination to stay with it a boost. I don't want to work out with him because we would kill each other (lol) but knowing that he's getting more active too is an extra push for me to keep it up.
God is working in our lives and I'm going the distance!
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