Tuesday, September 24, 2013
I announced in my last blog that my sweetheart and I were having a baby. Unfortunately, I suffered a miscarriage the day before my first prenatal appointment.
It was heartbreaking and disappointing and I think I got through the stages of grief pretty quickly. It's been a little over a week and I have stopped crying, although sometimes during the day the sadness crops up again. I had more people supporting me through this than I expected I would. Maybe that's why I feel okay.
I didn't get a chance to see it or hear its heart beat, but it was my baby and I loved it and we were excited for it. Please don't take offense to the word "it." I didn't know what sex it was because it was way too early so I'd rather not assign it one.
I had one doctor in the ER who was so lovely to me. I was lying there alone in my room and the second she came in, I burst into tears. I had just learned that I did indeed lose the baby. She was so kind! She gave me the silver lining I needed at that point, which is that if my body did it once, it can do it again. She assured me that I could have other pregnancies and that the best thing was to make sure I was as healthy as possible next time. After all these years of fearing that I was infertile, to find out I'm not was probably the best news ever. I'm grateful for that.
I hear that you never get over losing a baby at any stage. I'm sure I'll move past this but I'll certainly never forget my very first baby. It was a blessing I didn't expect at the time. The loss did more than just break my heart though. It cemented my love for my sweetheart, it showed me that the people I love most love me right back and that everybody doesn't handle things in the same way and that's okay. Everything will be all right.
I'm just sharing this because I'd already told you guys and, truthfully, I was dreading having to say again that I'd lost my baby. But I'd rather just make it known than having someone ask me how my pregnancy was coming along and having to reopen the wound. This way, it closes on my terms.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
People say this all the time, but I'm only now finding it to be helpful: "You're not the only one."
Seriously, how many times have you heard that when you spilled your heart out to someone and then just wanted to slap them afterward for saying that?
When I allowed myself to get past that sharp pang of annoyance (more at the dismissive tone than the actual words) I found that I could take something from it. In particular, it helps when it comes to those poor habits of mine which I've been able to rationalize. Foremost on my list is smoking. Smoking sucks. My mouth tastes terrible and is always dry, my clothes, car and bedroom (where I primarily smoke) smell like smoke, I can't breathe and feel fatigued every time I smoke. Yet, I keep right on sucking on those cancer sticks, tricking myself into thinking it's helping me instead of damaging me.
When I think about my pathology--family history of addiction, depression--it makes since that I would turn to smoking or eating. It's how I've been taught to deal with my emotional turmoil. In my heart, I know that my coping mechanisms are a bunch of bulls@$# but I keep going back to them for the same reason people seek comfort in a person's arms. No, not to feel loved. To feel...alive, vital, present. HERE.
I can't be the only one who feels disconnected from my body. I think if I were more connected, I wouldn't have gained so much weight. When it comes to my body, my mind has become very adept at turning itself off. Herein lies my second worst habit. Disconnecting from my body.
We all have reasons to disconnect. Maybe we were raised to be critical of our bodies and therefore never learned how to see it for anything but a disappointment. Maybe we came up short in trying to meet someone else's expectations of what our bodies should be, so we stopped trying. Maybe our bodies experienced a trauma that we never learned to heal from. Or maybe, in an effort to learn to appreciate our bodies, we perked up our ears to the messages about body image floating in the atmosphere that turned out to be not so realistic for us. Whatever the reason, we ended up here for the purpose of healing.
If you've read a blog of mine before, I've been open about sexual abuse and how it affected my relationship with my body. The only reason I know that this is what's happened to me is because of the brief period of time I spent 70lbs lighter than I am today. In that year and some months, my body felt some truly amazing things. When I started gaining weight again, I realized too that the fat was just the symptom and losing it was part of the therapy--not the cure. The cure was healing my mind, allowing myself to feel all the things I didn't when the abuse first happened. After years of that, I've arrived at a place where I can accept that this is something that happened that I cannot undo. But the happening doesn't have to undo me. My body was not to blame then or now. I still struggle with my mind when it wants to automatically shut down my body (especially in intimate relations), but I am closer to reconnecting with my body than I was a year ago. So that's something to smile about.
What habits do you find yourself working through on this journey? When you're through with all this, where do you see yourself?
I know that I'll always have to fight back against those bad memories, those bad lessons I've been taught. Even after years and years of success, there's always the possibility that something will trigger it all again. This time I'm arming myself with knowledge and faith. I simply don't know anything else that will keep pulling me through the rough times without resorting to the habits that have threatened to break me since they started.
Friday, August 16, 2013
So have I made any positive steps toward my weight loss goals?
Well, the most noticeable change in my behavior is that I eat way less. Somehow, someway, all those messages about slowing down while you eat, chewing more, breathing, drinking and putting less on a smaller plate have sunk in. I've learned to stop eating when I'm full or just about and to not treat food as my delicious anti-depressant (doesn't work). I have my off days where I will avoid food for most of the day and then eat a lot later, but those days are few and far between now.
Mostly, I'm starting to really love myself and appreciate who I am. Ironically enough, I've learned this through my mother. It makes me truly appreciate the impact a mother's love or non-love can have on a person. Since I stopped living there, my mother and I have become closer than ever. I visit her at least three or four times a week and we talk on the phone. Mostly I just listen to her talk. That frustrates me sometimes but when I began to understand that my mother is a hurting person in need of healing, I learned to get rid of the anger and open myself up to be her support system. I figured she needed somebody to listen to her feelings. And I think she needs for me to understand where she came from, how she grew up, to understand why she behaves the way she does toward me and others. I can even understand her relationship with my brother better because I can see that her own brothers became father figures for her when her own father abandoned her. Makes since that she would be closer to men than women.
But mostly I see so much of her in myself...and I'm okay with that. I think I didn't like it before (therefore not liking myself) because I never really understood her. She just seemed mean, bossy and self-centered. She is those things, but it's for a reason. It's always for a reason. Accepting her for who she is has opened the door for me to accept who I am.
I cherish the differences now. I appreciate my finer qualities. I've wanted to love myself so badly for so long and could never do it. It just goes to show how amazing God is that he would orchestrate things to bring me closer to her, something I thought would never happen.
So, with that said, I have a new image of myself. I've decided that being skinny just isn't for me. The doctor at the weight loss clinic said I needed to lose 200 lbs. I'll be okay if I don't make that goal. If I get three-quarters of the way, I'd be overjoyed. See, now I understand that the decisions I make for my body should come from me. I've always wanted to do this my own way, and so that's what I've done.
I'm still writing, for those of you who know this about me. I'm still working on my novel while going to school. It's challenging to find time but things get done eventually. I use the energy I get from being happy and I go for walks around the building I work in (it's a huge warehouse) and I spend a lot of time stretching. Sometimes I'll ride my stationary bike.
Mostly I'm trying not to make this a THING. I'm not going to be coming here every day to post my minutes or track my food or anything. I'm not going to talk about it the way I have in the past and I'm not going to follow anybody's diet rules. I'm just going to live with these new feelings and doings. I'm going to let the process be organic.
When I start tracking and explaining and apologizing...well, I'm not living organically then. I'm still DIETING. I don't want to diet. I'm just going to live for my physical happiness and my emotional happiness. I'll come around because you guys are a wonderful support team. I'll let you know what I'm up to. This isn't a goodbye. I guess it's my final explanation regarding my weight. I just can't explain myself anymore and I don't want to. There's no prize to be won here, no monster to fight. It's just me working through my issues and coming out better on the other side.
So with that, I leave you for a while. I'll be back soon.
Monday, May 20, 2013
I left Sparkpeople eight months ago, not sure I'd ever come back. Nothing personal against the Sparkiverse, but I just needed to clear my head and start over from scratch.
I've developed this crush on a guy who works at my job. I find him to be incredibly cute and nice. I blush whenever I talk about him. I'm still with my boyfriend of 8 years, but things have been rocky, which is why this other guy has managed to get my attention. Though I have no intention to pursue a relationship with my crush, I am in no hurry to get over it or put it behind me.
Having this crush has opened my eyes to life again. It's reminded me that I'm a person with feelings and thoughts that mean something. The possibility of somebody liking me or wanting to get to know me has been exciting. It makes me feel less invisible and has reminded me that I am a beautiful woman. Being fat hasn't taken that away from me. It's also made me want to take better care of myself, to value my appearance. Not purely for vanity's sake, but as an appreciation of the physical beauty that God has given me. But mostly it's vanity. I always thought vanity was a bad thing and I couldn't associate looking good with feeling good, but they really do go together.
I'm surrounded by negative people. These people aren't bad; they're just unhappy and don't want to acknowledge it. I get a headache listening to them and then when I hear myself saying those things, it gets worse. Who teaches us to loathe life so much? Why do we think there's so much wisdom in dissecting the negativity? It's such a waste! It's a waste of brain power, of words and of energy to be so immersed in bad thinking. The worst is doing it and not knowing you're doing it. Then you're powerless. You're a slave to it. Some people think they're so tough and so secure, but then when you really listen to them talk, you hear the self-doubt, the insecurity, the anger, the fear. You ever see those people who just frown all the time for no apparent reason? Well, you're seeing their innermost thoughts. Whenever I'm frowning, it's always because I'm thinking something bad. Nobody frowns for the hell of it.
I just got finished taking a critical thinking class in school and I learned so much about fallacious thinking, but I learned a great deal about the resistance most people put up when it comes to delving deeper into their thoughts. You won't find much so close to the surface. The real stuff is further down. I just wanted to see them all happy because every woman I know is deeply unhappy in some way. When I ask myself why I've been unhappy, it has little to do with things that have happened. It's mostly about how I've reacted to those things, the stories I've told myself. People in school and at home picked on me for being fat. So I told myself I was ugly, undesirable and that my best bet would be to fade into the background so people would stop saying mean things and so I wouldn't have to hear them anymore. Why did I do that to myself? I put myself on the sidelines of my own life! I reacted to the ignorance of others by punishing myself when I should have been putting them in their place and keeping my head up. I understand now that I felt like I didn't have a friend in the world back then. I can understand how easy it was to withdraw in order to protect myself. But I was only hiding. I wasn't drawing out the poison so the wounds never healed.
I don't know how I'm going to do this. My plan was just to push myself out of the corner, to just keep taking risks with all the things I taught myself to be afraid of. I figured that somewhere in there, I'd decide to take the risk and give myself the sexy body I've always envied on other women. As a matter of fact, I know that's what I'll do. Just don't know when it'll kick in.
In a few weeks, I'll be moving out of my mother's house and back into my own apartment. I can't wait. I was given the opportunity to resolve a lot of issues, particularly with my mother, and the rest with myself. The bottom line is that I'm amazing. I want to look better so I can feel better. It's time for my fresh start.
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