Sunday, October 30, 2011
I'm down 80lbs plus now. A feat I never imagined would happen, but has. I've just kept plugging along, not being to hard-lined about my "diet" and here I find myself, at a weight I could never have imagined. For thirty years (I'm forty) I've been trying to lose weight, have gained weight, dieted to drop pounds only to stop at still a fairly high number and started the climb back up. I'd mentally beaten myself all through-out that time. Not fun.
And here, thrilled with my new body and most importantly my state-of-mind (no more mental lashings), I realized today that I am scared of what comes next. In all my years of playing this weight game I have never been on this side of it. Many people are now asking me if I am done losing weight. My response is always "Yes?" Why can't I have a definitive answer? Why don't I have a "goal-weight"? I am physically strong and looking good, wearing sizes I didn't know I could count down to. I have no doubt that I can keep this weight off. I love my new life-style which includes lots of sweat, good food choices (most of the time) and being happy with myself. But what happens when I stop at the game I've been winning for the last year and a half? Where do I go from here?
Monday, June 13, 2011
You know, since January I've really lost my focus a bit. Yes, I've continued to lose weight but perhaps not as quickly as possible because I fall off a bit on the weekends. I'd really like to lose another 20 or so but I need to get my weekends in check to get it done." I say.
"When do you want to have this done by?" my friend asks.
"Well, I'd like to be down 15 by mid-August, when we go on vacation."
"Do-able. What was your original goal when you first started this weight loss? Was it 20 pounds? 30?"
I thought for a moment and then replied "My original goal was to stick-with-it."
"Then you've already succeeded. Whether you lose more or not. Look how far you have come."
"Yes. You are right. And if we were leaving on vacation tomorrow I'd still be happy with myself. And if in August we leave and I still weigh the same as now, I will be happy with myself"
This is coming from a girl who's been over-weight her entire life, never ever happy with herself. I've managed to lose 70 pounds so far and have never felt better. I have done this by eating well and exercising but also by never restricting myself to the point of ever feeling deprived or over-pushed with physical activity. I've stuck-with-it because I like how I feel about myself. I'm asked all the time "Don't you feel better now that you've lost all this weight?" and my response is to point to my head. I feel better upstairs more than anywhere else. Sure it's a ton of fun to feel STRONG, to look good and to wear clothes I've never been able to wear, but most important to me is that I like me. I like not berating myself constantly. I like not thinking about food constantly. I like not worrying all the time about how I look. I LOVE knowing that I am being a good example to my two young children, knowing that they will have an active, healthy mommy who will teach them the best way to take care of their bodies; by eating well, exercising and loving themselves.
My goal when I started this time around was to stick-with-it. And that I've done. And it's what I'll continue to do.
Friday, November 05, 2010
Ten months ago I sat on the table, naked aside from the lovely paper outfit, talking to my doc. I was in tears. I was miserable with myself both physically and mentally. I explained that I felt hopeless and completely out of control with my eating. I couldn't get a handle on it and was continuing to eat more than I should, continuing to gain weight. I couldn't stop the ball rolling down the hill and even if I could it would only last two months and then I would fall off the wagon again, getting lost in the endless mental self-admonishment that would invariably last much longer than my health-kick had. And the weight would come back.
Today I am nearly 40 pounds lighter. By the time my annual appointment rolls around I hope to be 55 pounds lighter. Most importantly though is my state of mind. I am in the groove. I feel in control. I don't understand the person I was on that table. But, I am also a little scared. What happens if for some unknown reason I slip off the path? Lose the control? This has been a life-long struggle for me.
The answer, that I will keep repeating to myself, is that I am in control of my mind and body. I can choose to be happy by making good choices. By selecting foods the help me. By exercising. By pushing myself to become the athlete I've always imagined I would love to be.
So, when my next appointment rolls around I will happily step on the scale. And when asked how I've done it? I will say with determination, the desire to control my own destiny & happiness and with a great deal of help from Sparkpeople.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Another week, another pound. Great, right? Just feel so extremely frustrated that at my 202.4 lbs, eating within the calorie range (lower end) and exercising at least 4 days a week that I should be good for at least 2 lbs loss. If things are going this slow what is it going to be like when I get to 165 in what feels like 3.5 years? Arghhhhhh!
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