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What to do... Resolutions (?!)

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Thanks everyone for your kind words/thoughts yesterday. I saw a post on Facebook yesterday indicating that Kamel was in the hospital and was being released today (it seems as he had an appendicitis attack). So again - I can give him the benefit of the doubt and say that's why he has not been in contact, but I've decided that if I don't hear from him in the next couple of days, that I am letting go for GOOD.

I can't keep putting myself through this stuff - it's just not healthy. I do believe I deserve good things and I'm not sure why I keep attracting the not so good experiences that I have attracted lately (with all the scammers and game players). I believe I have been tested to the MAX and I'm DONE with all of it.

And so I turn to things I can control and that's trying to get a handle on my health again. I swear I was hit by a truck yesterday as my body ached everywhere... and I'm still feeling it today. I was supposed to go for a walk this morning with CHEFKATLEANER but with the wind chill at -30 Celcius... I don't think I'll be going very far. I'll stay home and nurse myself some more before having to go work my 3 hour shift tonight.

I am looking at the last few days of the year and trying not to get to 'blue' about things - but it's tough right now feeling as I do and dealing with the emotions of being let down. I'm always up for giving people the benefit of the doubt - but I also don't want to be a fool. I guess time will tell (I sometimes just wish I had a crystal ball to see the ending and know that everything is going to be all right).

I hate feeling like this - I just want to hide from the world and let time go by. It doesn't help that I let myself binge eat/drink to try and numb the pain/loneliness... and my weight gain - well makes me feel even worse.

So for 2012 I have to resolve to make further changes - more permanent ones, which I believe need to include some abstinence in the area of alcohol consumption and more willpower in saying 'no' to those guys that are just out for what they can get out of it - and find someone who is willing to give of himself as I am willing to give of myself - EQUALLY.

I am done with the hurting... and if it means staying alone then so be it. I can't do this roller coaster ride anymore. I said I wouldn't blog about the details of my 'love life' but since blogging is my journalling, I need to put it out there... Thanks for listening... and for your support because I know once I get a handle on this part of my life ... the rest will fall into place (which will include reaching my goal weight in 2012).

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SOOKGAL66 12/29/2011 10:34PM

    sounds like you are on the right track of looking after you for the New Year!
Please do not feel discouraged and down, you are heading in the right direction!
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DOOBRIE 12/29/2011 4:55PM

    Good luck with cutting out the alcohol. I'm sure 2012 is going to be a great year for you.

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JSALERNO 12/29/2011 3:29PM

    Take care of yourself and the rest let fall into place.

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LINDSAYANNE0 12/29/2011 1:11PM

    Hi sweetie,

This coming year has already started off better for you as you have already started to realize the positive changes you WANT are achievable. I'm sorry for your recent heartache. Sometimes life can be so hard...sometimes at night, I simply have to "hand my worries over to God, he is going to be up all night anyway". :)

I thought of a quote that I wanted to share with you:
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

And don't forget, there are 3 everlasting things in this life:

Hope - as it is ALWAYS there even when we think all is lost,
Strength - as even when we think we have none, we ALWAYS have the ability to get back up and try again,
Friendship - as there are ALWAYS people around us that truly have us in their hearts.

Lindsay



Comment edited on: 12/29/2011 3:24:34 PM

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WOLFSPIRITMOM 12/29/2011 11:54AM

    I went through all that when I was younger. I look at it as a blessing now because I would never have appreciated the guy I did marry. He is a wonderful man and as of this year we have been together for 26 years. If I didn't have the others to compare him too, I wouldn't have been able to see what a gem he is! It will happen for you too!

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MIMICOTO 12/29/2011 11:49AM

    Oh sweetie....others have made great comments and contributions...love and light to you....more to come when I'm feeling better....

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LVMAMAW 12/29/2011 11:29AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PHOENIX40S 12/29/2011 11:13AM

    Helene, I try to avoid giving relationship advice, but it breaks my heart to see you expend so much of your wonderful energy on this: to hear that this focus is causing you to neglect yourself. You deserve better. Look inside, not out for your happiness. I think it is when we are truly comfortable, happy with ourselves, and content to be alone that we attract the best kind of life partners. emoticon

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HEALTHY4ME 12/29/2011 9:49AM

    OH HElene I hate seeing you so blue and sad. Concentrate on you and how you can improve your self love without the needing... and how about if you don't bring any alcohol in the house, you won't drink it. I have stopped bringing in 2 types of candy I love and actually even when at the mall, decided I can get it later, and never did.
If it isn't around you can't drink it.
HUGS and hope you feel better soon. I spent an hr last night with a bucket and feel better today. First time in forever that I was vomiting no idea why but lol I lost 2 lbs.
HUGS


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CHICAT63 12/29/2011 8:45AM

    Helen, I have been where you are. Here is my story: I divorced from my girls Father in 1998, met someone in 1999 dated him until 2003. I left him for an another I had met (and no never cheated on the boyfriend) thinking he would be better that was in Jan.03, threw him out of my place that December. In the beginning of 03 I had started my health journey (working out, losing weight, running and not drinking). After that disatrious relationship I spent most of 04 focusing more on myself, my girls and my overall wellness. Oh, I did meet several guys on-line and off-line they all wanted something but not commitment. Finally, in the fall of 04 I had enough of the lies, the deceit and all the other "merde" that came with it.

That New Year's Eve I made a promise to myself, not to settle, I wrote down a Pro and Con list what I wanted in a man. And yes, open myself to new opportunities and try new things because I had been told I could be quite condescending and beotchy at times *lol*. Anyway, in Feb. 05 I met the man who would become my 2nd husband.

I am wishing you all the best for 2012 Helen, especially a relationship that you deserve. Do not settle, affirm yourself and demand the best. Hugs, Josée

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BALDWINJ_03 12/29/2011 8:29AM

    Love your blog. You and I seem to be in similiar situations with the "dumb ole boys". We do deserve better than what we have been shown and do not need to settle until you find exactly what you're looking for. (Trust me, even as I write that, I'm saying "so much easier said than done", but let's make 2012 OUR year to take care of US!) emoticon

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MSLZZY 12/29/2011 7:39AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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THE Date...

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Today marks a 'date' I've been waiting for - for a long time... it's the date that Kamel's contract was to end ... when I'd hope to hear from him once his contract for work in an isolated area was over - or was it simply another failed wish of mine.

I don't want to give up hope/faith... having experienced more dissappointment from many 'scammers' seeking monetary benefits, one thing Kamel has never ever done with me...

We have not had any contact in a while and my hope is that by some miracle I will hear from him ... and if I don't - then I have to resolve to let go of the dream/fantasy. But ladies... our messages, exchanges, skype conversations - I just have a hard time believing it was all for not and have a vision of a dream come true so praying that for this ONE time... HE will prove me wrong and show me that there is in fact TRUE love in the world...


At the end of January - it will be almost one year since we first connected and I hope that perhaps we'll finally get to "BE" in person as he has told me he plans on coming ... If there is any truth in the word of Karma - then I do have to believe that there is in fact a happy ending in all of this for me...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TENACIOUSTRISH 12/29/2011 4:45AM

    emoticonIt it happens, it happens...if it doesn't, keep your chin up...because he missed out.

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MIMICOTO 12/28/2011 8:39PM

    What to say? May what needs to happen, happen....

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QBURT71 12/28/2011 3:58PM

  “The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.” Leo F. Buscaglia


All my love Helene

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LUCYVT 12/28/2011 1:39PM

    emoticon emoticon

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SEAWAVE 12/28/2011 10:27AM

    I've been married a long time, but I remember the days (and the hurt) of waiting by the phone hoping for a call. Believing is important regardless of how this particular relationship goes -- don't give up on your happiness! emoticon

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AFRESHSTART2 12/28/2011 9:16AM

    I am hoping that things work out for the best for you.

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WOLFSPIRITMOM 12/28/2011 8:59AM

    I hope everything works out for the best!

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MEADSBAY 12/28/2011 8:56AM

    Maybe he's traveling.
Or the job ran a few days over.
Hard to believe he couldn't get some kind of msg to you somehow.
My best to you, Helene.
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MSLZZY 12/28/2011 8:22AM

    Keep the faith! HUGS!

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MISSLISA1973 12/28/2011 8:02AM

    emoticon

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JSALERNO 12/28/2011 5:59AM

    I hope it works out but be careful!

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AMANDASHRINKING 12/28/2011 1:13AM

    be carefull or smart and I wish you luck lady

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VICIOUS421 12/28/2011 1:13AM

    I hope it works out for the best!!!!!
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Stalled...

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

It seems I'm a bit stalled in holiday mode and while I had good intentions... simply not back 'with it' just yet.

A combination of many 'feelings'... and acknowledging the sad/lonely feelings I do have and allowing them to be. Will shake it off I know but seriously need to just "BE" for now. I am grateful for the love of my children but lacking that special connection (and YES I KNOW ... I don't need to be with someone to be happy, I know it will happen when it's meant to... blah blah blah... - but dang it - holidays are a time when I do miss that special closeness and connection).

See you back in a bit... Reading my romantic novel and dreaming of my own happy ending...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIVEGODDESS 12/28/2011 12:31AM

    Totally understand. I'm feeling the same way but distracting myself flirting with guys half my age, lol.

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HOPEFULHIPPO 12/27/2011 11:43PM

    now I have the song "let it be" stuck in my head.

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46SHADOW 12/27/2011 9:34PM

    just being is good.

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LVMAMAW 12/27/2011 6:23PM

    Just "BE"!! It's okay, we love you!! emoticon

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MIMICOTO 12/27/2011 5:49PM

    emoticon

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LUCYVT 12/27/2011 4:28PM

    emoticon

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JSALERNO 12/27/2011 4:06PM

    emoticon

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 12/27/2011 2:38PM

    emoticon

We will be here when you get back!!

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CHEFKATLEANER 12/27/2011 2:35PM

    oh how I understand.

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MEADSBAY 12/27/2011 2:27PM

    The end is in sight, Helene- just ride it out.
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WOLFSPIRITMOM 12/27/2011 2:22PM

    Enjoy! We'll all be back at it next week!

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Boxing Day in Canada

Monday, December 26, 2011

I'm told they don't call it that in the states... but rather the day after Christmas. For us, Boxing Day is the BIG sale day and also used to be a party day at my girlfriend's traditionally (back home). Today however, it's my going out with a bang or punch if you will... the last day of indulgences before I got back to program. Today is the 'adult' day as xmas eve and day is more for the kids - where for me it was the day where the adults got to have their 'hoorah' lol...

So my last day of drinks before going AF for the rest of the year.

I'm going to clean house starting tomorrow and get a jump on those projects, but today is my DOWN time day. I have my novels to read, and going to enjoy the coziness of having the xmas tree lights on (love the ambiance of those lights). My girlfriend bought me some to put up around the living room - which I may leave up all year - as I love the look (I know I'm a redneck - but at least they are plain white lights).

Come the new year when I have my income tax return, I'll be shopping for a new TV, couch and dining room set.. that will be my belated gift for 'us' ... and the 'instead' of a trip this year.

No news yet from my special friend - his contract is up in a couple of days so I'm hoping that then I will hear something... and if I don't, then I'm resolved to letting go and moving into 2012 without any holds or expectations. As I said - I did experience some blues yesterday - while I always have my girls - I still do miss the 'couple' stuff. I do know in 2012 - things will change some more so for today - going to make the most of what I do have, appreciate the good and enjoy the PRESENT!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LUCYVT 12/27/2011 10:47AM

    Happy Boxing Day

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BLVINBUTTERFLYS 12/26/2011 6:25PM

    Happy Boxing Day... enjoy!

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Kat

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JSALERNO 12/26/2011 3:38PM

    Happy Boxing Day! I'm in the states so we just have after Christmas sales so I had to work most of the day.

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WOLFSPIRITMOM 12/26/2011 1:26PM

    emoticon I am relaxing on Boxing Day too. I work in retail so last thing I want to do is shop! Enjoy the leftovers!

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MSLZZY 12/26/2011 7:54AM

    Sounds like you have a great plan for the day and the New Year! HUGS!

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MARKSTIPANOVSKY 12/26/2011 7:48AM

    Thanks for the support and encouragement... +Mark

Have a wonderful day...

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AMARILYNH 12/26/2011 7:39AM

    emoticon Here's to a lovely, lazy Boxing Day, Helene. And to a wonderful, prosperous, fulfilled 2012!!

Tomorrow is my 'back on track' day as well - my sister-in-law Pat leaves in the morning to return to Texas and THAT IS IT for my off plan eating!! I'm not pleased with myself - I indulged way more than necessary in the last few days.

But that is the past - on to the future!! emoticon

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DOOBRIE 12/26/2011 7:08AM

    Happy Boxing Day, Helene. Our Boxing Day in the UK is just the same as Christmas Day - but without the presents. We are even having the same lunch again - but we won't have to cook so much as there's lots of food left from yesterday. Also, all the family are here and the children are quietly playing with their new toys. A nice relaxing day - hope yours will be too.

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Merry Christmas Everyone!!

Sunday, December 25, 2011

I'm up alone - while everyone said they wanted me to wake them at the insanely early hours I wake - I fear they have changed their minds.... The tree is lit, and I'm enjoying the quietness of the morning.

We had a wonderful day/evening yesterday. I had my friend from my hometown visiting and she left her dog with us overnight. Then Kathleen joined us... She showed Trista how to make her delicious pot stickers... YUMMM!!! Can't wait to get the recipe.

Megan performed ... new people in the house so she was acting goofy and all. We were in bed fairly early and now I'm waiting for the gang to wake up so we can open gifts.

What a wonderful day too - as the snow has fallen so we have a White Christmas morning... Here's a few pics from yesterday : )
My hometown friend...

Megan's funky hat (she LOVES it) - I let them open 1 gift each yesterday




This Morning


Feeling so very blessed and looking forward to the day ahead! May all of you have the wonderful blessings of the Spirit of Christmas bestowed upon you!

SparkCheers!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLVINBUTTERFLYS 12/26/2011 6:24PM

    Wonderful pics!

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Kat

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LNSYLVSDOGS 12/26/2011 5:21AM

    My family had asked me to wake them up at 6am Christmas morning! I had NO idea why they wanted to be up so very early! I decided to let them sleep a little bit and got them up at 7:30 instead. I LOVE the peace & quiet of an early morning! Here is another one....as it is 5:20something. Merry Christmas!

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MIMICOTO 12/25/2011 10:05PM

    Great pics - and your girls are growing up so quickly....they are beautiful!!!!

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DIVEGODDESS 12/25/2011 8:28PM

    You have beautiful daughters! Nice doggie too! Merry Christmas. BTW I met 2 guys that look like your Santa at the beach on Christmas, lol I ended up having fun being flattered by 2 guys half my age flirting with me!

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DOOBRIE 12/25/2011 7:22PM

    Hope you had a wonderful Christmas day, Helene! We had a very mild Christmas day and had to open the back door at one point to cool the house down.

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DBELLE39 12/25/2011 2:41PM

    Merry Christmas!

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DIDI_60LBS_BY60 12/25/2011 11:59AM

    Merry Christmas Helene, Megan, Trista......gorgeous pictures!!
Have an awesome day emoticon emoticon



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Diane

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JSALERNO 12/25/2011 11:29AM

    MERRY CHRISTMAS! I MADE BREAKFAST FOR NICK AND MYSELF AND AM WAITING FOR ROBIN TO BRING THE BOYS OVER TO OPEN THEIR PRESENTS. emoticon

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PHOENIX40S 12/25/2011 9:46AM

    Merry Christmas!

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MEADSBAY 12/25/2011 8:32AM

    Wonderful pictures, Helene.
Merry Christmas!
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WESTCOASTKID 12/25/2011 8:20AM

    Great pics!! Hope you day is wonderful, Helene!!

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CHEFKATLEANER 12/25/2011 8:01AM

    Merry Christmas to you too! Thanks again for letting me join your family last night. It sure beat sitting at home by myself! :D

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MSLZZY 12/25/2011 7:28AM

    We had our Christmas dinner yesterday and opened the windows to let the cool air in. No snow and the kids played outside. Today it will be a very quiet day, just time to relax. Do
enjoy your day and have a very Merry Christmas! Pics are so cute-love that hat!

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CANDOK1260 12/25/2011 7:16AM

    wonderful blog i am waiting for people to wake here to

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