I've felt this before - but perhaps this time it's even scarier as I swore I'd never be back here again. This weekend was truly heart wrenching with a major blow out on Saturday with my 13 year old - and I'm still recovering emotionally.
I was ready to throw in the towel with regards to caring for my daughter. She called her dad. I called the step-daughter and basically told everyone I was DONE and I couldn't take it anymore.
This daily struggle and worry about my daughter and her constant pushing of my limits has broken me down and I'm feeling so shaky inside. I also know that I have delved into unhealthy coping mechanisms which have not helped. And so here I find myself again trying to re-build my strength and recharge a bit.
I have to take this one day at a time. I felt awful yesterday - my nerves were simply terrible and I'm still feeling somewhat shaky inside today. I have to stay focused on the things I can do to build myself back up and tend to my self-care more than ever.
Thankfully work is quiet as my focus and concentration is obviously not where it should be. I simply need to take it one hour at a time right now and continue praying that things will change for the better...
I made a few calls today - first to the Children's Aid Society to clarify what had been said to me with respect to giving up my daughter to temporary care - which in my case, since she's not at risk of harm by me, would mean basically that I would be abandoning her because I couldn't handle it anymore (something that just breaks my heart to even think about).
I also spoke to the counselor at the crisis unit earlier today and at that point my daughter was refusing to cooperate and wasn't even doing her part in the 'client' reflections about why she was there. She refused to talk to me as well. I said to the counselor if this was where she was at that I could not see her coming home. Then I called again after work - and spoke to her. She did a 360 - and was calmer, did the paperwork and when I went to visit we had a good talk. I had faxed over my expectations and boundaries - she agreed to follow them. We'll see how that will go ... but she's back home after a three day stay there (the longest stay yet).
Now she's gone out with my oldest - and they are talking/bonding I guess or de-briefing - which is good. At least I know she's with her sister.
And me - well I'm sitting here feeling very tired. I am not sure what tomorrow will bring - but I'll take it one day at a time and do some more reading and figure out next steps to stay on track with my daughter.
I'm grateful for this parents lifeline service - it's a Godsend. I was a bit sad that I had to forego the workplace activity because I was dealing with this - but my spirit was not up for celebrations and so - I'm having a peaceful night at home and hoping for a great night's rest.
Life and every NEW day is definitely a blessing to be appreciated!
It was back to work today and it felt good - especially since things cooled off and I managed to sleep a solid 5 hours - I know not a lot but in comparison to the previous 3 nights a blessing.
The day flew by as it was my first day back since last Thursday. I am forever grateful for my workplace and amazing colleagues!
I had an intense night last night with my oldest as we got into some heavy discussions about her life path now that she has graduated. We also talked about some hurts about her dad not being present in her life and I offered her outlets or suggestions to deal with it - like handwriting him a letter to express her feelings as she feels when she calls she is never able to get what she wants to say out without being interrupted or yelled at
So tonight I am looking forward to a quiet night alone. My youngest called me and is asking to come home but I don't feel she's ready. She does not see that she's done anything wrong and is copping an attitude with me. When I talked to the counselor he agreed so he was going to let her know that she was not coming home but I have to go visit at 7:30. I told him I know it's going to be her begging me to come home and I'm not going there. He said there would be support for me and if she gets rude or the visit goes negatively - I can leave - I have a feeling it won't be a long visit.
I had hoped to see my guy tonight - but it won't work out so I'll make the most of an alone night and enjoy. I'm still feeling very tired and drained with the past few days.
TGIF tomorrow! A real short work week... gotta love that! And so now - I take a few hours to be calm before the visit... I'll check back in tomorrow.
It's very heart wrenching that my 13 year old daughter is going through so much. Today was another day off for me - and I hoped to rest but spent it mostly still wound up about the event and talking with my oldest as we kind of debriefed together as she too is going through all of this. It's stressful for her too to hear and witness all of it. She often feels caught in the middle as my 13 year old will confide certain things to her and ask her not to tell me.... and when she does her sister gets mad at her.
So I spent time with my oldest - talked with her, drove her to her interview, she bought me lunch (very sweet - she said heck mom you've been feeding me all my life - it's the least I can do).
I tried to rest but haven't been able to. And again today - at 1:11pm believe it or not I got a call from the crisis unit. My daughter revealed that she had been involved in risky behavior involving drug use. Because of the confidentiality - they couldn't say more but they said that as she was brought in under the influence - the proper procedure would have been to have her checked out so I had to go pick her up, bring her to the doctor's and then bring her back.
Thankfully the office was not busy and they took us right away. I'm so grateful that we were able to see the intern that has been working with my doctor as she knows the history and was so compassionate... My daughter didn't want to divulge what she had done in front of me so they spoke alone and then the actual doctor took me in and talked to me. He asked 'so tell me what's going on'... and it goes back to April 2013 - and he even said the writing was on the wall then - and he recognizes how she has escalated.
She was fine physically but he gave her something for her stomach as she has been getting sick in the middle of the night and today hasn't eaten. When I got back to the crisis unit I had to fill out the paperwork for the medication and spoke with the counselor a bit. He said unfortunately she's a teenager and she won't recognize the severity or danger of her actions until she hits rock bottom which scares me - I honestly hope that something SERIOUS doesn't have to happen before she turns things around.
And so now I'm home... and I am allowing myself a few drinks - mainly because I know she's safe and no issues will arise... and because I honestly feel better already after one.
I hope to get at LEAST 6 hours sleep tonight. I think I have had 10 hours in the past 3 nights and maybe just 2 or 3 last night.
I'm exhausted - physically and emotionally. I am also sore from my one hour workout yesterday - but that's a good feeling. I will take it easy tonight though. Tomorrow is a new day and I can't wait to get back to work and focus on that.
Thank you SP friends for your prayers and positive thoughts - I don't know how I could stay so strong without all of you... my solace comes from letting it out in writing... and your feedback nourishes my spirit.
Yesterday was quite a day for me. It started with my motivation on a high because of the new month but as the day progressed things became more challenging.
More conflict and arguing with my kids. My own cravings to cave in on my resolve to abstain from alcohol for a while and then caving in - but to fast foods instead. I managed to turn that part around in that I watched a documentary (Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead) and I found it motivating and inspiring. While I watched it I worked out doing strength training - for just over an hour.
In the mean time - my youngest was out (she is 13). I had dropped her off at a friend's. I asked her to promise me that she wouldn't go downtown to the Canada Day festivities alone as I think she's too young. She promised she wouldn't - she said she would hang out with her friend (where I dropped her off). So by 4pm I was checking in to see how she was doing. No answers to my texts. The night progressed and then I figured her phone was dead again so I texted the friend where I dropped her off. I am like an investigator when it comes to having to track my daughter down - but last night was different. Where I dropped her off - that friend - well my daughter dumped her to go hop a bus and meet 'downtown' friends.
I was livid - but had no way to get in touch with her. So I waited... and waited... and finally went on the computer to see who she was messaging with and tried contacting them. I managed to reach some of them but they all said she was no longer with them. 10:30pm came and went - the later curfew we had agreed upon following a counselling session. Then came 11, 11:30. I called the crisis line to ask what I should do. They said if she wasn't home by 11:30 or 12 to call the police and report her missing and so I did at midnight.
About 20mins later she walked in. I immediately demanded that she return her phone to me and she refused. As soon as she walked in she wanted to go to the bathroom. I followed her and saw she was trying to plug it in to obviously delete or hide something from me. I physically pushed my way into the bathroom and it was very intense - but she refused to give it to me so I gave her 5 mins. It was very heated. I talked to her after and she said it was things she was looking up to lose weight because she's fat. Whether or not that's true I have my doubts (although I know that's an issue for her). Our discussion escalated and I decided to call the crisis unit back - well it turns out she is back at the residential crisis unit. I told her I couldn't put up with her behaviour and disrespect anymore and she didn't want to stay here so I brought her in at 1:11 am (there's my number...). I filled out all the paperwork and wasn't back until after 2 and maybe slept a couple of hours so needless to say I'm at home today.
The police showed up just before I was bringing her in and I explained I tried to cancel the call - they talked to me a bit. I expressed my concerns about her escalating behavior and fear for her safety. They said 'yes we saw a few things come up in the system - her shoplifting, the incident where she sent the threatening text to someone, school issues. I told them I just don't know what to do with her anymore.
She says she doesn't like her new counsellor and that it's not helping. I can't just NOT get her help because it is so obvious that she needs it. So she's at the crisis center because she refused to stay here and also to give me a bit of respite. This is the third time I bring her there - but the first time in about a year. I feel like something's gotta give here.
I have to visit her every night but I do hope she will be there until Friday. Her 2 stays before were 2 days and 24 hours - I feel I need the 3 days minimum (they keep them up to a max of 5 days).
And so in all of this I read this affirmation to start my day... "No matter what happens to you in life, you alone have the capacity to choose your response to it. When you form the habit of searching for the positive in every circumstance, your life will move into its highest dimensions. This is one of the greatest of all the natural laws of success and happiness."
And so in all of this - I'm grateful that my daughter did make it home because I worried something really bad happened to her. I'm grateful that in a way she did not fight me to go to the crisis unit as she usually does. I'm grateful that she will be there receiving a structured program including some life skills and perhaps a bit of a break between us - time for both of us to reflect and re-group. I'm grateful that I was able to again take an extra day off work and for my boss' understanding. I will take the day to hopefully rest a bit more and I will go visit my daughter tonight during visiting hours.
Life will continue to bring us challenges but I will continue to choose to push forward despite the difficulties and seek the positive and never miss an opportunity to see the good in even the toughest days.