Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Thank you so much to everyone who left me kind comments about my slip-up. When it first happened, I was thinking that the last thing I would want to do would be to get on SparkPeople, enter my new weight into my ticker (a weight I'd last seen in September), and share the story of my gluttony with everyone who would read my blog. But then I realized that I depend on this website, and the sooner I came clean, the sooner I would be back on track. It was actually a feeling of relief to type the title of my last blog entry, "FULL DISCLOSURE."
And I hope that everyone who was kind to me would totally kick me in the behind if I ever do that again!! Ha.
I really am back on track, and I know it. Yesterday I got to the gym a little early for my classes, so I walked/ran on the treadmill for about 6 and a half minutes, which got my heart rate up for classes. I did Ab Clinic (15 minutes), Body Pump (60 minutes), and Cardio Kickboxing (60 minutes). Each of those classes involved some ab work! I was considering staying after that and using the elliptical, but I decided against it. Whether or not I have thousands of excess calories to burn off, sleep remains a priority. (OK, and watching the season finale of the Biggest Loser is another priority, haha.)
I weighed in at 141.4 today. For those who haven't been keeping track, my weight pre-binge was 134.6 on Sunday. The binge went Sunday-Monday. Monday I weighed 138.6 and Tuesday I weighed 144.4. I'd do really well if competitive weight gaining was a professional sport! So this means that in all, I gained 9.8 pounds in two days of bingeing, and so far I've lost 3.0 of those pounds. A couple people have told me they think I'll take it all back off quickly just by being back on track, but I bet it's going to take weeks. I'm sure I'll be back to the higher 130s soon, but to get back to 134......I'd be shocked if I see that number again before mid-January at least. And that's assuming I can get through my birthday and the xmas-New Years break without slipping up again.
But like people have said, a break is a great time to rededicate yourself to your goals and follow your ideal schedule. For me that'll mean plenty of sleep, plenty of exercise, and plenty of downtime. Hopefully we'll get to go skiing - it finally snowed here last night, but it's been raining all day so far today...
And then New Years of course is when EVERYONE is dedicating themselves to healthy goals, so I will be in plenty of company then.
And yeah, I feel like I have a split personality too sometimes. I was on track for over five months and I was really starting to feel like I'd put that other side of me to rest - the side that eats crazy and doesn't exercise and is fat and unhealthy. Maybe that part of me will never die, but will always remain dormant within me, and I will need to manipulate my circumstances at all times to keep that binge monster from raging out. Then again, I don't want this to be yet another example of self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't want to be telling myself that I have a binge side of me and then allow a binge and have my reaction to be, "Well, that's just a part of who I am." I always have the choice of what to put into my mouth, and I refuse to be someone who engages in binge behavior!
I'm kind of just babbling on about this now and it's really in my best interests to just stop analyzing it and rather to move forward, making the right choices at every moment now and in my future. I do just want to add though that I can see the extra pounds on my body - mostly in my stomach and thighs. Thighs?? Yeah, aren't I lucky. I'm so glad at least I still fit into my pants - I've been afraid to try on my size 2s though.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I did it - I fell off the wagon for the first time in over five months. Goodbye, longest streak ever.
A few days ago I predicted that two parties in one weekend would press my trigger button. Was I setting myself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy? This question is asked so often on SparkPeople that it's a cliche, but WHY DO I SABOTAGE MYSELF? With everything I have learned, I should have known better and could have avoided this happening. But it happened, and it's over, and I'm moving forward!
It started with the overeating at Sunday's lunchtime party. Sunday evening I blogged, and then, for the first time since early July, I started sneaking around my kitchen for a binge. I had peanut butter, nuts, and orange juice.
Sunday night I got up twice in the middle of the night because I was sick to my stomach. Monday morning I weighed 138.6, exactly 4 pounds more than I had on Sunday morning. I wanted to blog about the pros and cons of the binge, to show myself that the negatives outweighed the positives. I was going to be back on track.
But it's the end of the term. Progress reports were due today, and that meant I had to finish them all yesterday. Every spare moment I had went to progress reports.....................and EATING. I ate everything from my cooler by pretty early in the day. Then I poked around the teachers room and found a Hoodsie cup plus several bags of popcorn. I must have eaten four bags? Then after school I packed up my work to take home, and stopped for ice cream on the way home. WHY??? TWO KINDS of Ben and Jerry's. At home I ate the ice cream, more nuts, some apple sauce, orange juice and cranberry juice. I finished my progress reports, and of course I did not make it to the gym or even consider going.
In the middle of the night I woke up and my shoulders (?????) were so sore that I couldn't sleep. It was odd. So I was up for an hour - I took a shower, checked my email, and went back to sleep. This morning I weighed 144.4.
But then it stopped. I felt better. I've eaten on plan and I've planned out what I'll eat tomorrow. I'm in my gym clothes and about to head to the gym for what I hope will be an incredibly good workout. I am fully back on track, and that is a promise to myself.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Ohhhh, so full still! Jess' coworker has an annual xmas brunch party and he always has the BEST food (and drinks)! I had a bloody mary and thre mimosas, BBQ-Jack Daniels meatballs, cheese fondue, other fancy breads with cheese and spinach-artichoke dip, smoked salmon, two mini blueberry muffins, a little ham, a few shrimp with cocktail sauce, and a skewer of fruit...am I forgetting anything?! I knew I was eating too much when Jess gave me his LOOK.... but oh well. I'm gonna just move on from this. And yes, my tummy hurts now.
I've done a little extra exercise lately to hopefully balance out the extra eating.
Thursday: 65 minutes on the elliptical. It was OK enough, but I was tired. It was late evening after a nap, and Jess had bailed on me in favor of staying home and relaxing.
Friday: Awesome Body Pump class with the instructor who always makes me sweat.
Saturday: Zumba, Body Pump, 56 minutes on elliptical, 5 minutes stretching
Sunday: We belong to Gold's and one awesome thing is that we can go to other Gold's locations a few times a week with our membership. The one near me is SO close to my condo that I almost always go there, but we've been to the South Boston one a few times because it's somewhat near to Jess' place...but not really...it turns out that there's another one that's closer. I love going to other Gold's locations because of the change of pace, the different machines, and a lot of the other ones seem to have some cooler stuff, like the Southie one has individual TVs on most of the cardio machines which I'm really jealous about - wish my own gym had that! Once I even went to the Fenway location one afternoon between work and a Red Sox game!
Anyway, we went to a Gold's we'd never been to today. Before we went I looked up their class schedule and saw that they had Zumba at 10:30. I was hesitant because you never know with Zumba...depending on the instructor, the class can be GREAT or HORRIBLE. Well, thanks to going to bed REALLY early last night, we were up, well-rested, and unrushed this morning and got to the new gym around 10:00. I ran at 7.5 mph for 15 minutes, with some walking and stretching before and after, and then went to Zumba. It's good to run before Zumba if you can, because that way your heart rate is already up and you can keep it up in the class (otherwise, it might not get up as high as it would with other cardio or classes...). So I notice right away that the instructor looks like HE will be a lot of fun - yes, can you imagine, a MALE Zumba teacher? I have to admit I love having male fitness instructors. They seem to reliably give good workouts, and I also just happen to be boy crazy. :) Hahaha. Anyway, he just had that really tall, muscular, athletic, and I'm sorry but GAY look that made him look like he'd be a fantastic dancer and instructor. Well then he says we're in for a real treat - half of the class is going to be taught by little miss so-and-so, who is going to be subbing for him while he's on vacation, and she's going to try teaching today for the first time ever!
OMG she was AWFUL. I mean, worse dancer than ME awful. She might have been one of the worst dancers in the room, and she was leading the group! She had no idea what move she was going to do until a few beats after she should have already started doing it, and she seemed to know about three moves that she kept doing over and over, one of them being just standing and bouncing at the knee.
Finally she was done and the big gay black man took over and I was right. He was a fantastic Zumba teacher. So it went from awful to great, so that averages out to...average!, I guess! He was funny, one of the last songs was Beyonce and afterwards he said something like, "I wanted to make the moves even sexier, but I didn't want to offend anyone...otherwise I would have pressed a button to bring the stripper pole down!" I wish I could move like he could!
There is a big discount department store about 3.6 miles from my condo (I know it's 3.6 miles because of mapmyrun.com). Jess went shopping there on the way home from the party today, and I walked, because I felt like I needed to burn a few more calories. On the way I stopped at Blockbuster and got Step Brothers and the new two-hour 24 movie that aired recently...we love 24, but we only watch it on DVD.
Recipes for next week - I knew I was going to have a busy weekend, so Friday just before I left school I went online and searched for "crock pot recipes." I ended up making a vegetarian barley-pesto recipe in one crock pot, and a chicken caccitore recipe in another. Thanks to Tracy for reminding me how quick and easy it is to cook with a crock pot - ironic that a SLOW cooker is QUICK to use! I just threw in the ingredients Friday night and had recipes ready on Saturday morning!
Quick vent - Jess is watching Sixty Minutes right now and I CANNOT STAND Barney Frank's voice. OK, I feel better now.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
I have definitely broken through a mini-plateau to a new level. All of a sudden I've been noticing even more changes - my abs keep looking better (even though my butt's still flabby!) and other people have been noticing too. I had a conversation at the gym with a woman who herself lost 100 pounds on Weight Watchers. She told me I was looking too thin and am I eating enough? I shouldn't have gotten upset because how would she know that I eat SO MUCH and that I am so careful about providing my body with the healthiest, most balanced food possible, and that I am very careful to never eat too little? But I did get upset, because I was thinking to myself that nobody would ever go up to someone who's GAINED weight and say to them, "You look like you're getting too fat. I'm worried about you. Are you eating too much?" It's EXACTLY the same thing. If it's rude to say when someone's gained, it's also rude to say when someone's lost.
Anyway, I am definitely not too thin - I am just getting to the point where I am living like a thin person. Yesterday evening I went to a birthday party where dinner was served. Everyone at the party was thin and I noticed everyone ate basically like me. Everyone took one fairly small serving of the chicken, the rice, the green beans with almond slivers, and the bread, and nobody had seconds. Everyone had all the desserts - there was a chocolate birthday cake, apple cobbler with walnuts, vanilla ice cream, and fresh pineapple. In the past when I was on the weight loss "wagon," parties would annoy me terribly. They didn't fit into my plan so I'd have to avoid all the food, or I'd fall off the wagon and overeat, or I'd do okay but be annoyed because I wouldn't know how many calories were in the food. Now, I look at parties as a little vacation from healthy eating...I do enjoy healthy eating, and certainly want to return back to it as soon as possible after a party, but at a party I can eat things in moderation that I wouldn't normally eat at all. I think it's yet another shift toward a permanent, moderate healthy lifestyle.
I do have a lifetime of history with binge eating however, and I did notice the ghost of that side of me poking around last night. After my dessert plate was taken away I was still in the mood to eat naughty things. None of the appetizers or anything were still sitting around so I didn't have any more to eat, but why should I have even wanted to?? I am worried about the party I'm going to today, because I know from having gone in years past that this guy sets up all the food to be nibbled on while everyone talks. I'd do better with a situation where everyone takes a plate of food, and then walks away from the serving dishes, and eats and then the plates are taken away. I will need to remind myself that I don't want to be disappointed on the scale tomorrow morning and I still need to treat this like just ONE MEAL!
My weight was 135.8 yesterday (my scale), and 134.6 today (Jess' scale) - so no "damage" was done at yesterday's party.
OK, we're off to the gym to burn up some calories to replace at the party later. :) Eventually I promise I will get caught up on everyone else's blogs!!
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