Saturday, November 01, 2008
Just came across this picture as I was looking for the new Halloween ones. I was such a fat baby that my parents asked the pediatrician whether they were feeding me too much. I had such fat legs that I never learned to crawl until after I could walk!
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Hopefully no one, or we're in trouble. :) Haha!
Tonight I was at a birthday party and I had budgeted a little over 500 calories. It felt weird to eat what everyone else was eating - I almost exclusively eat food I've made myself, for myself only, these days. I know I must have eaten more than 500 calories but I have no idea how much more. I had about three shrimp with cocktail sauce for apps, water and tea to drink (one small victory), salad with light dressing (but with lots of croutons), lobster scampi (first time having white pasta in a long time), NO garlic bread (another small victory), and then I indulged with the desserts. I had cake and small tastes of all three kinds of ice cream, and then a little bit of leftover Halloween candy (funny, it was the FIRST Halloween candy I've had this year! and it will be the last.)
I indulged a LOT, but I don't feel guilty. Once in a great while it's fine.
A few comments I've gotten recently:
From my school nurse while giving me my flu shot: "It sometimes hurts more for people like you, who have less fat and more muscle tone." (My response - "Some years more than others")
From my boyfriend's mom this evening: "You look the thinnest I've ever seen you!" (My response - "Thanks! But I'm not.")
From several men at the bar last night: "I'm not feeling so well - I think I need medical assistance!" (Oy vey.)
Saturday, November 01, 2008
So I was at work last night until EIGHT, so I didn't go to the grocery store or the gym. TWO days in a row without working out. Yikes-eroni!!!
But I got a lot of work done, and I'd really been looking forward to getting ready with my costume, so I don't feel too bad. I was on SUCH A HIGH being in a costume that I couldn't have possibly worn when I was heavier. Lots of pictures were taken, but I haven't uploaded them to my computer yet - gym and SparkPeople come first!! I did a little dancing at the bar, but I can't kid myself and pretend that it was anything like a real workout. And I had extra calories in the form of extra coffee, two glasses of Merlot, a lemon drop (Vodka, lemon slice, and sugar - tried to avoid most of the sugar though), a Captain and diet, and half a Bud Light. I still drink way too much, don't I, wow, I feel embarrassed sharing all that with you guys. But I always weigh less the morning after a bender, and today was no exception - 138.4 today.
I had a surprisingly good "marathon gym class" session today (not a marathon as in running 26 miles, but a marathon in terms of going to three classes in a row) considering that I only slept about five hours and had all that to drink last night. I still love my Sat. a.m. routine. Yay.
PS - It really means a lot to me when people tell me they can relate with how I felt in my blog, and/or when I read someone else's blog and think, "Wow, I feel that exact same way." I guess a lot of these issues in dealing with weight management are pretty common!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Oh my goodness. All of a sudden, it's like WHAM, I suddenly have a lot of work. I am sitting at my desk right now and it's an absolute disaster. You can always tell how swamped I am at work by how disorganized my desk is. When I have everything all set, all my files are neatly stored and I have tomorrow's lesson plans in neat little piles ready to go. When I am in the middle of several different evaluations or reports, they tend to all be opened up on my desk like right now, and things look quite messy.
I stayed here at school trying to get caught up until 8 p.m. yesterday, but ended up spending tons of time on SparkPeople anyway. Today I made it until after 3 p.m. until I actually logged in, which is progress, and when I did I found it so cute and sweet that so many people had dropped in to wish me a happy Halloween. Happy Halloween to all of you, too!!! But I have to get back to work pretty soon so I can leave and do some grocery shopping and working out before my Halloween celebration begins!!
I feel really guilty for not working out at all yesterday. I know what you all will say - that it's OK to take a day off here and there - and I get that. I can't HELP that I feel guilty. I didn't compensate by eating fewer calories - mostly because I still thought I was going to work out until I finally decided not to when it got to be The Office time (9 p.m.) and I still hadn't left yet. (If my gym had individual TVs on each machine I probably would have gone and watched it there!) Anyway, my weight, which has been steadily climbing all week from Monday's low of 137.8, climbed yet again to 139.4. This isn't too unusual and I'm not too upset about it, but I sure do feel guilty. I could have compensated by eating less today, but I really didn't want to, so I didn't.
I also didn't write a blog entry yesterday or plan out my nutrition tracking for today - still need to do that in fact! And just because I guess deep down I still haven't resolved all my emotional issues with food, not doing those things kind of triggered me to have dangerous thought patterns that could have (but didn't!) lead to poor eating choices. Around the time I decided not to go to the gym and to stay home and sit on the couch and watch TV instead, I started to think about having something extra to eat. I am so glad I didn't! I had already eaten at the top of my calorie range, a range that already only works for me because I exercise a lot, so there would have really been no way to justify eating extra yesterday when I didn't work out at all. In a way it's almost better that it was a black and white situation - I would have been hard pressed to find a way to talk myself into thinking it was somehow OK to eat extra. But this sure is my downfall pattern. When I slip, it always happens like this. One little issue (like skipping a workout) leads me to make more bad choices (like eating too much) and then once I know I'm going to hate what the scale says the next day anyways, I might as well just keep eating and then all of a sudden I've had a few thousand extra calories (I'm not exaggerating - binge eating nuts, for example, can do that), and then the next morning I don't weigh myself because I can't bear to see the gain, but I promise to buckle down and get back on the wagon right away, but then the afternoon or evening time rolls around again and the same temptation strikes me and I do it all over again and then I'm off track for a month and my weight bounces way back up. It's happened at LEAST twelve times since I started using SparkPeople in 1/07.
BUT, it hasn't happened AT ALL since July, even though the thought has crossed my mind. I must sound like a broken record to those who read my blog regularly, but I really do think the reason I'm staying on track now is because my old calorie range was too low for me. When I used to aim for anywhere from 1,200 to 1,800 calories a day, my body NEEDED more calories and so I was just physiologically driven to eat more, so I'd binge. I should have exerted some control and put a cap on it before it got excessive, but there was always that mentality that I'd already messed up, so I'd just keep on going. Also, I believed that I just was not cut out for long-term weight maintanence because of my drive to eat. I'd read about people who maintained long-term by eating 1,400 calories a day and I knew I would not be able to do that forever, and I'd get SO VERY discouraged because I thought that was something I'd have to do if I wanted to keep the weight off.
I'm still not immune to these dangerous thought patterns, but I am much better able to suppress the behaviors now. If I take a step back, I will realize that it is no big deal that I skipped one workout (first day not working out at all in ??? weeks???), and even the little gain I had is no big deal. In fact, for me to weigh in at UNDER 140 on my scale at home (the one that always reads higher) at 6:30 a.m. is absolutely wonderful regardless, even if I weighed 1.6 pounds less a few days ago. It's the overall trend that counts, not these day-to-day fluctuations.
I am dedicated and driven though, and I'm going to put this little blip behind me. I can't leave work yet because of the above-mentioned paperwork I gotta finish, but once I do, I am going to get to that grocery store, buy ingredients for the Scandinavian fish.spinach/artichoke casserole and skillet lasagna dishes I'm cooking this weekend, then I'm going to work out nice and hard and sweaty at the gym (maybe a run on the treadmill - my toughest workout - even though I'm HRM-less right now), and then I am going to dance my @$$ off in my nurse costume this evening. Then tomorrow morning I'm going to have my usual Saturday morning fitness class marathon and one day of slacking is going to be FAR behind me!
(And calling it slacking isn't really even fair to myself, because I DO have a job besides weight management, and I need to dedicate some more of my time/energy to my job sometimes!!!)
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
After I wrote my last blog entry I was all pumped up and then I went and had a killer workout!!!! Forty minutes on the elliptical going faster than a nine-minute mile (don't remember exact numbers except that my 5K time was 27:17). Then I went to Body Pump and worked hard. My instructor was very enthusiastic and kinda silly so that helped. I forgot a hair elastic so worked out with my hair down - never done that before. I thought it would be really annoying but it wasn't, it actually kinda made me feel sexy, HAHA! I think my workout was great because I was proud of getting so much crossed off my to-do list, proud of the changes I've made since 2005, and well-rested from a good night's sleep last night (sleep has GOT to become more of a priority for me - it makes SUCH a difference!)
Seeing that old diary got me thinking. I used to think I was large-framed, had a slow metabolism, had no natural athletic ability whatsoever, and that the most I could hope for would be to maybe just hit the top of the healthy BMI range (154). Now, I know I have a small-to-medium frame, I think I have a really great metabolism (losing weight eating 2,100 calories a day!?), and that athletisism (sp?) takes a LOT of work, but I can be good at it because I do put in the effort. I know that I can achieve any body/fitness/weight goal I want, even if that means getting into really tremendous shape. I'm not there, but I know I can get there.
PS - I LOVE that there is space between my thighs now. I used to have such THICK thighs!
PPS - Anyone else get extremely annoyed by their iPod headphone ear things constantly falling out while they're exercising?!? Grr.
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