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I've Been Off Track :(

Thursday, January 17, 2008

So to quickly catch up on happenings since my last entry...
Monday morning I weighed 152.0. I'd gained about 2 pounds for no reason, considering I stuck to my plan all weekend. School was canceled on Monday because of a snowstorm. I kept eyeing a jar of nuts that was sitting on my counter, waiting to be portioned into single-serving baggies. I kept not eating them, instead choosing items to eat off my daily menu. But by the late afternoon I'd finished eating everything from my plan and finally dug into those nuts...and anything else I could find. And I didn't go to the gym. Lesson learned (or confirmed - I already knew this):

It is dangerous for me to hang around near food with nothing special to do when I'm alone. That's when I'm likely to eat out of boredom or just because it's there and nobody will see me. Also, counter-intuitive maybe but true - the less busy I am, the less I get done. I go to the gym almost always after work, but find it hard to make myself go when I don't go to work (unless Jess goes with me). Oh, also, once I get into this binge mode, as much as I know it's best to snap out of it, I find it really hard and usually it takes at least a few days. Case in point: it's now Thursday and I'm still not fully back on track! Grr!

How to prevent this from happening in the future? Part of it is just a mindset - I have to believe that I won't allow this to happen. Don't make "I eat when I'm bored" a self-fulfilling prophecy!! Another part is physiological - I need to eat enough every day so that I'm not desperate to eat more whenever I can get away with it. But I really don't think that's where I went wrong this time, since I had been eating a healthy 1,600-1,800 calories per day the few days before Monday. I think there is something about me that loves to binge. I guess I need to figure out a way to not love it so much. I know it is unhealthy for me and that it just sets me up for other unhealthy choices, and it makes me discouraged and unhappy with my progress and my appearance. I need to play up SOMETHING else to replace it. Sure food is food and nothing else is quite the same, but I could have some delicious, nuturing tea or some calorie-free coffee (decaf if late in the day) or seltzer or gum. I could find something to do to get my mind off the temptation. I was watching The Office on my laptop when I binged. Even though that's non-food and fun, it's not a good choice because it's too easy to eat while I'm doing it. A better choice would be playing the piano, cleaning/organizing, writing, or going out walking or shopping. And then reward myself heavily for making the right choice even though I was tempted.

Anyway, I didn't weigh myself on Tuesday or Wednesday. I did go to the gym both days but continued the binge habit. I did weigh myself this morning - Thursday - and was relieved that I'd only gone up to 154.2 (or was it .4? whatever) which is only about a 2 pound gain. I have a theory that the more I weigh, the less weight I will put on when I binge, but I'm not sure if it's true. I hardly used SparkPeople at all since Monday pre-binge...I hate to log in when I'm not doing well. I did log in once and mentioned on the WW team main thread that I wasn't doing well, but nobody responded. I guess they're sick of hearing me say that I'm falling off the wagon. It has happened way too often.

Anyway, I really need to dig down to my inner resources and realize that I can make the right choices in the heat of the moment and that this is something I must do if I want to reach my goals for Jamaica. I don't have to go crazy with rules, but I do have to realize that the fewer extra nibbles, the more successful I will be. It is my choice to be thin and fit and healthy and attractive, so it has to be my choice to say no to food I know I shouldn't eat.

As far as the medical stuff is concerned, I still really don't have any answers, but I do have a bunch of good "probably"s. I probably don't have hypothyroidism - my doctor thinks that being on the pill messed up my TSH level (which was still elevated - 5.36 I think? on the 2nd test) so I will be tested again in about a month - halfway through February - once I've been off the pill for a while. There is some confusion as to whether they actually did the genetic test but I'm thinking they didn't or I would have heard by now. I guess chances are, I don't have the condition, but I will get tested when I go back for my third thyroid test. I have been off the pill now for almost a week and the bleeding stopped by around Tuesday night (1/15). I think it went on for about 4 days, which is about what it would have if I were just in my week of placebo pills. Now I get to wait and see if my cycle settles into a regular pattern.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BRUIN2 1/20/2008 11:14AM

    (I just commented on your Friday post..should have read this one first...teehee)

Coming off the pill is hard on your body. All the hormones it's used to are suddenly gone. No kidding you had an off week - your body had no idea what was going on.

I didn't feel "right" for a few years after coming off of depo - evil stuff. But, you have to find new coping mechanisms - like you describe! I find that working out curbs my binge feelings too - not only does it get me out of the kitchen, but it reminds me there are things to think about other than food. My favorite "distraction" food right now are pickles - a big crunchy dill is only 5 calories, and it usually satisfies my craving. Knowing your triggers and what you can do to avoid them is huge - it's so good that you were able to articulate them here. Good luck this week!

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NO1JESS 1/18/2008 10:22PM

    Aww, I know exaaaactly how you feel. We all have tough days. I do the same thing. Idle hands make the devils's work or something? So true... I always get into mischief on my days off somehow. I am a teacher too, and I find it hard to juggle everything. You look like you have had quite a journey, and you're doing great! Just do the best youcan and you'll look even better this Memorial Day weekend!

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Five Weeks, One Day to Go til Jamaica

Sunday, January 13, 2008

I weigh 150.2 today. Well I weighed 150.8 at 7 a.m. and 150.2 at 11 a.m. so I'll go with the lower of the two. :) Jess said, "This will be your big week," and I said, "Oh, you mean because I'll find out if I'm hypothyroid and if I have a blood clotting condition?" and he said, "No, you'll get under 150!" But I've only lost a pound this past week and it only showed up on the weekend, so if I follow that same pattern again I won't see a weight under 150 until next weekend. If I lose a pound a week I'm only at 145 for Jamaica. :( A far cry from my goal of 130-135. I asked Jess whether he thinks it's a good idea for me to reduce calories for the last couple weeks before we go and he said he'd rather see me try to stick to my plan consistently in Jamaica, and if I diet hard before we go I might end up eating too much while there and end up weighing more. He is right. This is not a race. It's a lifestyle. I just have to work out as hard as I can and as much as I can and say no as often as I can to little extra calories and whatever I do, no binges. I am so much better off to stay consistent and healthy and not too hungry, not too full every day. We'll see what happens.

TMI alert - I stopped taking the pill as of Friday, two days ago, because of the blood clot risk, and today I started bleeding. This has happened before when I did as little as just forget one pill one day, and also I read that it happened to others who stopped taking it, so I am not at all concerned. Just want to keep track of what happens to me.

By the way, I've been feeling pretty fantastic lately, just physically in general. I certainly don't feel like someone who is hypothyroid - tired, cold, cranky. But sometimes I do feel that way. I'll probably find out tomorrow, I guess.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MIIMA-ME-MY 1/13/2008 4:20PM

    You can do it, one step at the time and at your own pace. And... make room for me in you suitcases; I want to go to Jamaica too! LOL

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Holy Successful Sparkers!!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Just peeked at the sparkpages of some of the people who've been featured in Woman's World and People magazine. It is amazing how successful they've been! In the real world (outside of SP) people are getting fatter and when they do lose weight they gain it right back. SP is like a magical fairy tale land where everyone loses weight, gets fit and healthy, and supports everyone else to keep it off. I want to be one of those people! I thought I was - went from being overweight my whole life to weighing in the ***130s*** - a feat I'd never thought I'd accomplish, but then I didn't stay there. But I consider myself a success because I learned about myself and about how to live healthfully, making mistakes and turning them around, and throughout it all I've managed to stay in a healthier weight range than I was at before SP. But I do have higher ambitions for myself, and those involve being at my IDEAL weight and staying there, feeling great, being very fit, and feeling very attractive. I know I am on the right track right now.

Thanks SP for all the motivation - and of course for all the right tools!!

PS - 150.4 today


First Day Off the Pill

Friday, January 11, 2008

Today was the first day I didn't take the pill in several years. (7 or 8, I think!) I just did some reading on the web about side effects of going off the pill and wasn't happy with what I read - cramps, bloating, dizziness, panic attacks, and depression. But then again, a few people said that their issues got BETTER going off the pill, and I would imagine that most people who were happy or feeling neutral about it wouldn't bother to go find a website to post their experiences on. So I'm not going to worry too much.

Today I weighed 151.8 which is higher than yesterday by 0.2 but it was on my own scale, which always gives a higher weight than the scale at Jess'. I like to weigh in on the weekends because I weigh less when I sleep in and don't get on the scale til 10 or 11. I really wish this weight were coming off faster, but I know that I am eating a good amount these days (generally just over 1,600 calories per day). I could lose faster eating less, but I'd feel a lot more uncomfortable.

Today I didn't feel as good at the gym as I did yesterday, and I quit about halfway into my strength training (15 minutes instead of 30) after doing my usual 45 minutes of cardio. It was still an hour-long workout though, so that's fine. I think the difference was that I didn't eat enough before my workout today. I did have a 70-calorie yogurt before the gym, but that's not enough for me.

I've been slightly tempted to go off-plan tonight, but I won't. I really want to look good in Jamaica and shouldn't get off track at all for the next 5 weeks, 3 days. This weekend could be a bit of a challenge with me feeling this way, but this is a DECISION I am making - I will exercise my free will and NOT go off-plan! Going to a restaurant is fine, just try to eat about 500 calories there and about 1,100 calories the rest of the day. Choose something healthy, no bread, and no calories in my drinks.

I'll have to decide what my next batch-bake is going to be. I usually do crockpots, but this week had good results with a veggie lasagna that I split into 6 separate containers.


Five Weeks, Four Days and New Issues

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I'm staying on track in a very balanced, moderate way. I've made healthy choices at restaurants twice so far, and I've gone to the gym and made improvements already there - as measured by the way my heart rate rises and lowers, and also I can now finally make it through my whole 75 minute routine without feeling weak toward the end! I've been eating about 1,615 calories per day most days and today I had an extra 50 or so without freaking over it. I haven't felt overly hungry at all and have no desire to eat everything I have planned for the day too early. It's good-feeling levels for me and definitely something I could do long-term. The weight isn't falling off - I've been hovering around 151-153 for 6 days now, but before that I dropped quickly from 158 so I've still lost at least 5 pounds.

I do have a few new issues though. I have a blood clot in my left arm and will find out around Monday whether I have the same genetic mutation as my brother that makes him prone to getting clots (50/50 chance). The biggest impact this is having on me is that I have to stop taking the pill. Tomorrow will be my first day without it in several years. I'm nervous because I don't know what to expect and have no idea what I'm going to replace it with, even, but I'm also excited because I've read that people sometimes lose weight when they stop taking it. Maybe my blood pressure will go down - it was weirdly high the other day at the doctor's especially considering that I do exercise regularly - 132/90.

Also I should find out very soon whether I'm hypothyroid. Another issue that affects weight. hmm!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOYFULKRISTA 1/10/2008 8:19PM

I think I also have that blood condition.. where the clotting factor is much higher. For each of my pregnancies I had to take heprain injections... but now all I have to do is take folic acid everyday.. and that helps control it. But, I too, could not be on the pill. But I had a hysterectomy (at age 26) so I don't need to worry about that anymore. You will loose weight being off the pill... and you will feel much better once your body adjusts... but good luck!!!

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