Saturday, June 30, 2007
I am writing this blog entry on Word from the airport and will add it into my SparkPeople blog later. I weighed 148.8 this morning, which is the highest Iíve weighed since I lost the weight. However, I am not discouraged. For one thing, not all is lost. Not only am I still much thinner than I was when I started, and am still at a healthy BMI, I have learned a lot. No matter what happens in my weightloss journey, I can hold onto what I learned.
I know a lot about eating and hunger. I know what it feels like to actually be in the process of losing weight. It doesnít feel good Ė it feels like serious hunger. You can only get that feeling by really reducing what you eat Ė you canít cheat on it. It affects your mood (makes you a grouch) and your energy level (drops off to nothing), but the good news is that you donít have to feel that way all day long. You only feel that way when itís been a while since you last ate enough. I actually havenít felt it at all in the past few weeks, in which time Iíve gained all this weight by eating way too much. It doesnít feel good to eat too much either Ė it makes your stomach hurt and you get drowsy. Actually both eating too much and too little have similar effects Ė a physical discomfort (different types though), and lack of energy. I think that the hungry feeling is worse than the too-full feeling, but the hungry feeling produces results that are healthy and make you attractive, whereas the too-full feeling produces the opposite result. Someone reading this might question my statement that being hungry makes you healthier, but I think so because 1) I have read about the relationship between restricted-calorie diets and longer life expectancy and 2) the changes I experienced with my heart rate: Over the past few weeks, as I have gone from carefully planning and tracking my foods to eating unhealthy large amounts of ďwhatever,Ē I HAVE kept exercising Ė cardio, strength training, and stretching. However, my heart rate has increased, both resting and during exercise, which is a sign of a lower fitness level. I havenít been running lately but I bet I wouldnít be as good at it as I was.
I know now that the psychological and physiological effects are closely tied. I HATE the hungry feeling and I guess Iíd been trying to avoid it, but thereís more than that to explain the binge eating Iíve been doing. Why have I been bingeing?
q I enjoy the FEELING of eating. Not what my stomach feels like when it is uncomfortably full (though I can tolerate that a little too well!), but what the food feels like and tastes like in my mouth, and what it feels like to be full (BEFORE the discomfort). It gives me energy and a good mood. It IS self-medicating.
q Even though I realize it cognitively, I am still tripped up by the delay between when the food is in your mouth and when you register fullness, 20 minutes later. Plus, I know that the fullness you get when you donít eat all that much is shorter-lived than the fullness you get from overeating, and then you have to deal with that hunger again sooner.
q There are a couple emotional factors at play here. One of them is that deprivation thing. I donít like to pass up on anything I could eat because I donít want to feel deprived. I have a mind trick for this, but for some reason I canít make it permanent. The trick is to tell myself that Iím NOT depriving myself by avoiding the offending food item. Rather, if I do eat it Iím depriving myself of staying on track with my goals.
q The other emotion that contributes to me overeating is feeling like I have to do it NOW, while I can get away with it. While the foodís still there. Before Jess comes home. Itís kind of a combination of, ďOh screw it, itís fun to eat and WHO CARES what the results are, besides, some of the results feel pretty good!Ē and ďI deserve it, everyone else gets to eat what they want, why canít I? Itís just a ___ that Iím eating, itís not like itís a whole large pizza. And when Iím strict everyone says Iím TOO strict.Ē I guess this really isnít one emotion. Itís a whole bunch.
I need to permanently, deliberately eliminate these emotions. I should replace them with ideas (that I KNOW are true) like:
q I look prettier when Iím thin. My face is more attractive when itís thin, my skin is clearer, and of course my body looks much better and my clothes look good on me. I donít have to suck in my stomach, or worry about how some part of me looks hanging out, and I can flaunt it on the beach, buy tiny clothes, etc.
q I am healthier when I track and eat deliberately! Sure, I have to feel hungry sometimes, but it is HEALTHY to experience that at times. When it gets to be too much, I can always increase my calories a bit until it passes. Overall, my heart and my whole cardiovascular system are much healthier when Iím thin, and Iím at a reduced risk for a bunch of diseases, and my life expectancy is increased!
q Yo-yo dieting isnít healthy.
q I need to fit into my bridesmaid dress.
q This will sound rather bitc*y, but nobody needs to know but me, and whatever works, right?Ö When Iím thinner, I can be proud of myself, ďLook at this body I had to work so hard for. So many other people are overweight, but I accomplished this and I look good!Ē
I know that being TRULY hungry doesnít work when youíre going to do something active Ė either physical or social, because of the whole lack of energy and grumpy mood thing. However, you CAN tolerate being hungry when youíre just going to bed. SooÖ.the solution is choosing when you need to eat a little more, and when you can handle eating a little less. As long as you donít starve yourself, itís more productive to be a little bit hungry more often. Itís like the Weight Watchers core plan Ė you want to stay in the range of hungry to comfortable Ė never hit either end of the starved or stuffed spectrum.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Well, I went to the gym and had a good workout. I hadn't been planning on going until I started my last blog entry. Reading it back over, I do see a whole lot of negativity, and that is where my mindset is. I am in a phase where I'm calling myself fat, lazy, no willpower...and allowing it to be somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy! Anyway, though, it's just a matter of making good choices, one after the other, and keeping your head in the game. I'm still in it.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
So after posting my whining on my blog and on the Weight Watchers team yesterday, not one but TWO people told me not to give up because I'd been an inspiration to them. Well, I should be an inspiration to myself. I was overweight all my life and then suddenly went thin. I looked so freakin' good, it's almost as if I didn't think I deserved to look like that. Well, I WANT to be that thin girl, dammit! I don't want to get overweight and sloppy again. I am going to go to the gym right now!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Lately I have been eating whatever I want, hungry or not. It's awful and I have no idea why. I am ashamed at myself. I have gained back so much weight and don't feel thin anymore. I no longer want to rush off to the beach because I know I'm not looking my best. I really don't even feel like writing this, but I am hoping that if I do, I will suddenly rekindle my motivation flame. I am just really MAD at myself. I think that what I need to do is start over from scratch. Go to a new WW meeting, get a booklet, track everything, follow all my rules, just say no to food provided by others, and even to events where that kind of food will be. I have NOT found a happy medium where I can have a life and follow my program. I do better when I just have a routine, it's boring, I hate it, but I follow it. If I give myself an inch I take a mile. These are all part of the reason why I have a weight problem in the first place. Some people can just say no to treats, or just take a little, or just take one. I have to keep taking and taking the stupid brownies or whatever, as many as I think I can get away with. I don't know why I would do that to myself, but I do every time, unless I just say "absolutely not" and take NOTHING. OK, all this writing really isn't helping. I feel like crying or cursing myself out (which I actually did earlier!). I can't see myself getting back on track until after my trip...tomorrow I am at a workshop with breakfast, lunch, and snacks provided, and then on Friday Jess and I are leaving for DC and not coming back until Wednesday. It would take major effort to maintain during that time and I could very easily gain quite a bit - and be back in the 150s. Oh god, I don't want to go there. I really don't. Either way I can go to a WW meeting when I come back and make a badly needed fresh start. Well, more later. G'night.
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