Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Lately I have been eating whatever I want, hungry or not. It's awful and I have no idea why. I am ashamed at myself. I have gained back so much weight and don't feel thin anymore. I no longer want to rush off to the beach because I know I'm not looking my best. I really don't even feel like writing this, but I am hoping that if I do, I will suddenly rekindle my motivation flame. I am just really MAD at myself. I think that what I need to do is start over from scratch. Go to a new WW meeting, get a booklet, track everything, follow all my rules, just say no to food provided by others, and even to events where that kind of food will be. I have NOT found a happy medium where I can have a life and follow my program. I do better when I just have a routine, it's boring, I hate it, but I follow it. If I give myself an inch I take a mile. These are all part of the reason why I have a weight problem in the first place. Some people can just say no to treats, or just take a little, or just take one. I have to keep taking and taking the stupid brownies or whatever, as many as I think I can get away with. I don't know why I would do that to myself, but I do every time, unless I just say "absolutely not" and take NOTHING. OK, all this writing really isn't helping. I feel like crying or cursing myself out (which I actually did earlier!). I can't see myself getting back on track until after my trip...tomorrow I am at a workshop with breakfast, lunch, and snacks provided, and then on Friday Jess and I are leaving for DC and not coming back until Wednesday. It would take major effort to maintain during that time and I could very easily gain quite a bit - and be back in the 150s. Oh god, I don't want to go there. I really don't. Either way I can go to a WW meeting when I come back and make a badly needed fresh start. Well, more later. G'night.