SEPPIESUSAN   33,017
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Thanks for the suggestion :)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

This evening I jogged to the train station to meet up with my boyfriend, and then we walked back home together. It was between 15-20 minutes in all...not much... but better than nothing. Now that it's spring I should do this more often! We might go to the gym soon too...

My eating was iffy today...I'm not counting calories so I'm really not sure how bad it was. I know I can do much worse, but I can also do much better. I'm thinking I might have to go back to counting calories to really get things under control. I feel like I have a bit of motivation that is slowly building up...and soon it will be strong enough that I'm going to start being serious again.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKYFYRE 4/1/2009 2:31PM

    Baby Steps, good job I likeit! You will grow that motivation and get where you want to be in good time! Way to be positive! I like the creative exercise plan of meeting Jess at the station, thats great!

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DRAGONFLY180 4/1/2009 11:20AM

    i just went back to journaling my food, too. it's not fun, but i think it's sometimes necessary to do it to really get our heads back into the game and get serious about our desired weight loss. good luck on finding your motivation soon!

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RA4945 3/25/2009 3:31PM

    That's great news Susan! Keep it up!

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SEEHOLZ 3/25/2009 2:25PM

    It sounds to me like you're keeping it simple-- simple seems to work best most of the time--- there are books written on simplifying your life, after all-LOL!
You sound in a good place- happy for you!

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TMAC10 3/25/2009 8:49AM

    yay! i'm so glad you are getting your motivation back & getting back into the swing of things! i've missed you :)

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FITGIRL15 3/24/2009 8:32PM

    Running is great! Your intensity was probably good, and I find that even just 20 minutes of running makes me feel so darn accomplished! Did you feel the endorphines kick in? Once that starts to happen, WACTH OUT, running is like a drug... you'll want to do MORE AND MORE!!

emoticon

Keep that motivation building! I have faith you will be back to where you want to be soon! emoticon

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BRUIN2 3/24/2009 8:15PM

    emoticon

Yay for the activity!!

And iffy is better than shiity! hehe.

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ZIRCADIA 3/24/2009 8:06PM

    YAY :D How nice that you got together with the BF in an active way. :) It may not have been a hardcore workout, but still some nice active movement. :D

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Weekend boosts of motivation

Monday, March 23, 2009

Have I ever mentioned how much I'm deeply in love with my boyfriend? Well, I am. He is my best friend and I love that we get to spend all our time together on the weekends.

He also has ingrained habits that keep him almost effortlessly fit (and hot!! mmm) and when I'm around him, I'm affected. Sometimes I feel guilty, and I hate having him see me with all the extra weight I've put on in the past few months. Sometimes I'm inspired to work hard and make him proud of me. Sometimes I think I should just do what he does and I should be able to maintain a healthy weight like he does.

Lately my motivation has been seriously lacking. But somehow, on the weekends, it all floods back. I know a lot of people have a much HARDER time on the weekends than during the week, but lately the opposite has been true for me. If I could keep up my weekend lifestyle all the time, I think I'd be okay!

On the weekends I get plenty of sleep. Mmmmmm, sleep. And my boyfriend is a cuddler. Do you know how delicious the feeling of waking up on a Saturday or Sunday morning is when I'm in his arms and I realize I don't have to get up yet, so I close my eyes again and sleep until I'm fully rested?

On the weekends we stay busy. There's no time to use food as entertainment (and it makes pretty horrible entertainment, honestly) when you've got lots of other, more interesting things to do!

On the weekends lately we've been going to the gym together. I haven't been going to classes at the gym...I've been working out on my own. We went to the gym together on Friday night and Sunday, this weekend. On Saturday he dropped me off there, went on some errands, and then came and met me at the gym (net result - my workout was almost two hours long, his was about an hour. Longest workout for me in a long time.)

On the weekends we go for walks.

On the weekends we go out to eat. I've been making healthy choices at restaurants lately. (Though as Jess points out, I've been substituting unhealthy choices elsewhere - not good either!)

So on the weekend I feel like I can take this huge task of working on my healthy lifestyle and actually do something about it. But whatever progress I make, I wipe out when it's back to feeling tired, overworked, and frumpy on Monday when I get up to the alarm at 6 a.m., squeeze into one of the few pairs of pants I have that I can button up, and bring my cooler to work with an amount of food that couldn't possibly be enough to help me procrastinate with work as much as I want to.

Come to think of it, I have struggled around this time of year every year since I started using SP (2007).

No answers here, but I really liked what I was doing over the weekend, and I really DON'T like what I've been doing today.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TERRIANGEL 3/24/2009 10:08PM

    Hiya hon!

So good to hear from you again!

I was reading your comments here and I have to say that Bruin has THE best suggestions! I do the "bring more fruit than I can eat to work" thing all the time. Then if I DO happen to finish it all...it's not so bad...it's only fruit! ;)

You are very obviously in love with Jess and he's a lucky man.

And on the flip side...tomorrow's hump day!



emoticon emoticon

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SEEHOLZ 3/24/2009 3:21PM

    Great reflection Susan! Too funny you mention that week-ends are better for you- it used to be so true for me, until DH started working EVERY Saturday--- hmmm, he's gone and I can eat?? Yeh, enough said. But, I am going to turn it around as busy and happy means no desire for extra food! Thanks for that reminder!And, soo happy to hear you love your BF so much! It sure helps!

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RA4945 3/24/2009 9:37AM

    Wow, you are so blessed Susan! Your weekends sound amazing, as does your boyfriend! I'm so glad you have such a wonderful partner in life. Why do you suppose this time of year is always hard for you? Really think about that and see what you can come up with. Maybe we can all help you figure out a way to combat it. You have recieved some great suggestions and I agree. Is it possible for you and your boyfriend to work out together during the week nights?
The more fruit and veggies you can bring in to work, the better. It helps me if I have at least 2 or 3 fruits to eat for snacks. I don't always want them, especially apples, but when I do eat them it helps to keep me out of the bad stuff. Are you doing batch cooking anymore? Is that something you might want to do again? You'll get through this funk Susan! I know you will!

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BRUIN2 3/23/2009 7:44PM

    Are there ways for you to carry over some of those good things from the weekend into the work week? Could the two of you meet up at the gym for date nights? Go for a walk after supper? (Trev and I do this - we love it, good for the digestion and our relationship!)

What about stocking your cooler with more fruits and veggies than you think you can eat? Fill up on GOOD calories!! Just today I had blueberries (frozen), a banana, an apple, a pear, and half an orange pepper all during the work day - good and crunchy and easy and delicious!!

You can do this!! Those pants will start feeling better in no time!! (I swear - I've been on my new "Less Wiggle in that Jiggle" plan for TWO days, and I already notice a difference in my abs. Our bodies remember how good it is to be tight and lean, we just have to get our minds in the right space to get there!!)

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ZIRCADIA 3/23/2009 7:33PM

    *HUGS* Man your weekends sound GREAT! :D hehehehe How lucky are you??? And hey -- you can recognize and list the things that were making you happy. Just gotta find a way to incorporate some of that into your weekday life. (Easier said than done, I know)

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Ready for changes...

Friday, March 20, 2009

I'm having a moment of mental clarity where I'm seeing that I have been using that set-point theory stuff as a convenient excuse to give up and be lazy. Well, it's time to snap out of it. It's the first day of spring and I want to get back on track. Sure it will be work. Sure it will be far MORE work than it is for some people who seem to stay naturally thin. But there are soooo many lovely Sparkers who have to work just as hard as I do to live a healthy lifestyle, and I don't hear any of THEM giving up! Whether the set-point stuff is true or not, there are some undeniable facts:
*I can exercise.
*I can follow a well-designed (e.g. not too strict/not too lenient) healthy eating plan.
*I can drink water.
*I can sleep eight hours per night.

I'm going to come up with a plan that fits my life that isn't too strict or too lenient. I MUST not go overboard with this!! I want to start slow for once, and see where that takes me.

I'm not going to come up with all of the specifics of the plan right now. I know that I'm going to have more of a general template than an exact calorie count of every meal. I want to sleep on it, but I already have some thoughts brewing, and will firm up some guidelines so I can get started soon.

Thanks for all the thoughtful comments - people offer real personalized advice that I can tell they've really spent some time thinking about. What you all have told me has really made me think. And thanks also for your blogs...a few in particular lately have seemed so eerily familiar to me!!

Happy spring!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITGIRL15 3/23/2009 11:26AM

    Susan, you can do this! Gradually, and with intention you will find your happy healthy place again! There were a few blogs that I could sense you were going a little too extreme, but I thought "Good for her! If she can keep up that intensity then Bravo for her!"... I guess we all need to re-evaluate our plans from time to time!

I don't doubt that you will create an awesome plan that works for you again! Something not too strict, yet not too lenient! Set some new goals, and go get 'em!!!

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BLUEBOOEYES 3/23/2009 10:01AM

    Im really happy that youve decided to work towards a lower goal again. You can do it, Susan. Were all rooting for you!

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CHASINGTHENOW 3/22/2009 11:06PM

    This blog inspires me to work harder!

-maria

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KJNE8O 3/22/2009 10:44AM

    I agree that finding a balance is the key - a balance between enjoying life and food and also being healthy. It's not healthy to overtrain and undereat :)

You are doing great and sometimes we have to circle back to the same realizations we've had in the past!

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SEEHOLZ 3/22/2009 10:33AM

    Yep, I'm also on the quest to sta away from extreme situations- I know 100% that you're learning what it takes to be the person you want to be--- not too strict, not too lenient- love it!

Hugs,

Patty

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LIVENLOVELIFE 3/21/2009 11:53PM

    Sounds like you are headed in the right direction! You can do it!

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RA4945 3/21/2009 4:49PM

    I'm so thrilled to read this blog Susan. Don't ever sell yourself short or under-estimate yourself. You're capable of much more than you give yourself credit for sometimes. Yeah Susan!!! You can do this and we are here to support you!!!! emoticon

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SKYFYRE 3/21/2009 3:25PM

    Way to go!

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PAMELA984 3/21/2009 8:21AM

    Life is all about choices - you can choose to be moderate in this - it will give you long-term success - and isn't that what life is about?

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UNIQUEGIGGLES 3/21/2009 12:29AM

    That is how I feel I am doing, starting out slow and trying to be consistent and go from there.

Happy Spring!

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TRACYZABELLE 3/20/2009 9:41PM

    I wish I could get 8 hours sleep! My sleep is so messed up.. working nights makes me crazy!

SO glad to see yuo back on track!

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BRUIN2 3/20/2009 9:13PM

    Remember last year when you started eating at your maintanence range? I do - you had some ridiculously powerful blogs and reflections then. What about going back and reading those and remind yourself what did (and didn't) work?

You are an inspiration. And you are being honest with yourself, which is very inspiring.

I have this voice in the back of my head telling me that living healthy doesn't have to be a daily battle - sometimes I believe the voice, and sometimes I doubt it. But I've got to tell you, the days seem easier the days I believe it.

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ZIRCADIA 3/20/2009 8:55PM

    AMEN, GIRL!!! :D I'm so proud of you for really thinking about this and being honest with yourself. It IS work to find what is right for each of us, and the same thing doesn't work for everyone, but I know you can do it! *HUGS*

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Where I am now.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I am in such a different place, mentally and physically, than I was in fall '08. I've been putting off blogging about it because I'm not even sure what to make of it all. Lots to say, so I'll just jump right in.

* My weight - I have now seesawed back to where I started. Again. To put this in numerical terms (yuck), it means that I now weigh in the 160s again. I started SP in the 160s. I "sparked" myself down to the 130s and then went back to the 160s, and then back to the 130s, and now back at the 160s.

*One possible "solution" would be to go for somewhere in the middle - the 140s or 150s - and just aim to stay there. It occurs to me that I don't know HOW to do that!! Isn't that bizarre? I either eat "intuitively" and see my weight rise to the 160s (or higher), or I externally control my calories and my weight drops to the 130s. Even when I deliberately tried to maintain my weight once, at just under 150, by counting calories but sticking to around 2,200 calories a day, I lost weight. So it occurs to me to count calories but have a higher range, like 2,500. A possibility.. but aside from the physics of it, there is a psychological side too, where if I'm going to go through all the effort of counting calories, I'm not sure I'd be able to resist the temptation of trying to get my weight back to the 130s again. And the seesaw would continue.

*Another possible solution is to accept the seesaw, and just try to work out the timing so that I'm at my lower weight in the summer and my higher weight in the winter.

*As you can probably tell from what I've been saying, I have just about lost all confidence in my ability to maintain my weight in the 130s... and I'm even pretty skeptical about being able to maintain ANY weight lower than the 160s. I don't know if I shouldn't have read all those books about the set-point theory/health at any size/etc. Are they the answer to all my questions, or just a self-fulfilling prophecy? Am I back in the 160s now because I've been lazy and making poor choices, or is the 160s my biological destiny?!?!

*There are some responses that seem so obvious - things that seem like choices of free will, like exercising more, eating less. But are even these things subconsciously driven by biological forces? If not on a day-by-day basis, then at least over time? For example, let's say I decided to set up a very mild calorie decifit by exercising several times a week and sticking to a highish calorie range. The effect wouldn't be as immediate as if I were on a more severe calorie deficit, but over time the hunger would build up and I would eventually give in to my urges to eat, or to move less. It could even be subtle...the moment I'm not counting calories, I might eat a bit more unintentionally. And over time, these things would prevent me from maintaining a lower weight.

From a different perspective, I'm not sure what to make of my current look/state. The most immediate issue is my wardrobe. I don't fit into most of my clothes and I'm not feeling a strong desire to buy bigger ones. (The irony is that wearing clothes that are too small make me look fatter and feel bad about myself.) I haven't been to classes at the gym in a few weeks partially because I'm embarrassed about having the regulars there see how I look. However, I have been going to the gym and working out on my own. Yesterday I had a great workout actually. I did strength training just for my chest, 30 minutes on the elliptical, and about 15 minutes of jogging. I had tons of energy and felt fantastic... and then I went out and partied all day, literally! I went to a St. Patrick's Day Guiness kegger after lunch, and then met up with a friend to go bar hopping. St. P's is a big deal in Boston with all the people of Irish descent, so it was tons of fun. And I got a lot of male attention, which secretly was a huge relief because I'd been feeling so fat/unattractive lately. Actually, "a lot of male attention" just means that I got big-time hit on by a very cute 36 year old New Yorker who was visiting Boston for the weekend. This stopped when Jess showed up though, hehe.

I've mentioned this before recently, but I've been loving the freedom from counting calories. I don't have to suck the fun out of my weekends by planning out all my meals in advance. I can go out to eat, go out to drink, and I even have been able to expand my healthy options because now that I don't have to know the exact calorie amounts of everything I eat, it's so much easier to add some variety - for example, instead of having the precisely measured pumpkin pie smoothies for breakfast every day, some days I have a mango smoothie, or a butternut squash smoothie (sounds weird but tastes good with extra fruit), or a spinach omlette!!!

I have to go, so I will have to sum up by saying that there are pros and cons to letting my weight stay up high, and to trying to reduce it yet again. I still don't have a plan. But right now we're going to go out and enjoy some early spring sunshine on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RA4945 3/20/2009 4:00PM

    Hi Susan, I've been thinking about you and trying to figure out what to say. All I know is that you have been one of my biggest inspirations on SP. I feel like you are in a rut right now and it is all about insecurity. You doubt yourself because I know you are tired of the roller coaster ride with your weight. So a few things to consider are:
1)Is your weight in a "healthy" range? Your BMI? If so, then make peace with the 160 range and buy clothes that fit you well and bring out your assets; clothes that you feel good in. There's no doubt that you are attractive at this weight. In all honesty, the 130's may be a bit too low for you anyway.
2) If you're not in a "healthy" range, I have no doubt in my mind that you could maintain in the 145-150 range. No doubts at all! But you need to believe that too! You know what to do but I believe some of your experimentation's have thrown you off some. You could reach this weight again by tracking food (I know it gets tiring) and increasing your exercise again. From what I understand, you love to exercise so that would not be a problem. Tracking food again would be worth it to just feel better about yourself.
3) Forget about the "set point" for your weight. I believe that can be changed. I do believe our bodies get used to being at a certain weight after some time, but I also believe that we can kind of do a reset by losing the weight and maintaining for a while before trying to lose additional weight.
We all just want you to be happy so do some serious soul searching and let us know what you come up with. We will all support you no matter what! emoticon

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SKYFYRE 3/20/2009 12:36AM

    Hey Susan, I just read this blog and I have to say it embodies so much of what I feel about myself. I have not been sparking because I have gained back the weight, and am frusterated, and to be honest tired of counting calories, even though I know it works. Al my clothes make me look like a sausage with extra tight cassing, and I don't want bigger ones. I know that I can do this, and I am starting to even want to again, but I agree with you that I may have set unrealistic goals and may need to really work on 140 and holding there before I aim for 130... if I ever aim for 130... I hope that you are able to come up with something you will be happy with, I know I am not happy at 151.8 and really was happy at 140 (and hungry at 130!!! hahaha!) Thanks for the reflection, it was great to read!

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ADKMOM 3/19/2009 9:08PM

    I feel like I could have written this myself. It is the way I have been feeling for the last couple of months. I'm sick of tracking my food, and planning what to eat and constantly thinking of (and not) losing weight.

I wish you luck trying to figure out where to go from here.

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KENSINGTONC 3/19/2009 2:04PM

    Catharsis! Thanks for sharing with us. It seems like you reached that point - where we've all been - of coming "to" and realizing that the days, weeks, months of less intense focus on health have really taken their toll. I totally, totally remember when I had this realization a few months ago, and how hard it was to look into the mirror and not justify or rationalize away what I'd become.

BUT - your outlook is fantastic! And you're taking steps in the right direction. And you'll be where you need to be soon, very soon. Spring always helps, don't you think? Especially for us Northern folk who don't see the sunshine for months on end.

Have a wonderful, healthful weekend!
Liz

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SEEHOLZ 3/17/2009 1:39PM

    Hmmm, it's definitely interesting! I always think, at least "she has the option to loose" where I feel so darn stuck at my current weight, which keeps creeping up-uggh!
By the same token, I completely understand your "mental" block of just wanting to be "normal" or unrestricted- I get so hung up on the same things-- so I do understand. I think it is your process of having to go through and figure out what it is that you truly want- like you said: there are all these positives and negatives!
As for the gym: I've been in the spot of being embarrassed and have to say that even though it might be humbling, it is very liberating to go anyway! The decent people are going to respect you the same and the rest? Well, I'd stay away from that kind... good way to find out!
I know you'll figure it out! Either way, I'm glad you're having fun!

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MIMISCA 3/16/2009 4:38PM

    i don't feel like i have a lot that i can say as far as advice, but i will say this - you have my support all the way! you will figure out what's best for you!

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ZIRCADIA 3/16/2009 2:34PM

    It seems like you definitely have an all or nothing mentality which is not serving you well to reach your physical goals. I still track most of what I eat and have never gone 100% tracker free. I have just accepted that I will need to at LEAST track for a LONG TIME to really teach myself how to eat to maintain and get used to that amount of food, etc. Your calorie ranges have varied so drastically with all of the experimentation you've been doing and varied approaches that I don't think you may have given yourself a real opportunity to learn how to maintain. I believe you can do it. AND I believe you can do it where you choose to. Might it be easier to maintain at 140 than 130? SURE! But I still believe you're in control.

Obviously if you eat whatever you want you're going to end up in the 160's. That is something you've proven to yourself more than once. So that is I guess the one option that you don't sound happy with as far as the RESULTS on your body are concerned, yes? But I think that until you are able to change your mental perspective from an all or nothing approach, once you start putting some structure in it will be difficult for you mentally to do anything else but restrict to lose. It sounds like you will be impatient with losing gradually.

But seriously -- I don't eat the same thing for breakfast every day and I track my calories?? I know everyone is different, but I guess my point is -- YOU CAN DO THIS. But you have to be prepared to make a mental shift. Otherwise you will continue the cycle you've been in before. I only say this because I think you ROCK and I want you to be happy, and you sound very dissatisfied with the up and down you've been having. *HUGS*

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SWEATONCEADAY 3/16/2009 12:42PM

    wow lots to think about. i sometimes think my previous weight gains were so i could lose weight and give myself something to do so i didn't have to deal with other issues in my life. just a thought. however, whatever you figure out makes you happiest is the best.

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BLUEBOOEYES 3/16/2009 10:32AM

    Susan,
Ultimately your happiness is up to you. What you feel is right and where you want to be is your decision. I'll just let you know that I still think you are an amazing woman who has accomplished a lot in her weight loss efforts. When it comes down to determining the source of your happiness, if it lies within being fit and at a lower weight, then you will aim for that. If you appreciate the freedom of a higher weight, then that's okay too. I think it's important to decide at which point you feel that you are functioning as the "best" version of yourself and go with that. Take care!

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JENONTHEROX 3/15/2009 2:53PM

    Wow, this is a super intense blog...

it actually brought back some similar feelings I felt a year ago as I was gaining weight (from the 150s all the way up to 199 by September/08), like not wanting to buy or wear bigger clothes, avoiding social situations (big time), etc, all of which came to a griding halt when I put myself on the health & weight loss train to get back down to my "normal" weight & aim for even better.

I wish I had some good words of advice for you, but I will say that more & more I don't believe in that "biological weight destiny" theory that you also wonder about. I do know that being healthy takes conscious planning & work & making it a part of our daily lives. While I track my workouts, I hardly ever track/count calories in a diary, though I am mindful of calories & portions in my head & am a label reader for the most part.

I look forward to reading what you come up with, no matter what you choose.

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TRACYZABELLE 3/15/2009 1:14PM

    I am sure you will find your place where you are happy. FIt is a feeling not a number. I know it is so hard to go back and forth and right now I am wishing I can crawl under a rock.Whoda thunk I would ever get to 500+.. I am beside myself.. I will never meet the goal that society has set for me but when I feet FIT and healthy , I will be happy. so go with your feeling... YOU can do it!

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BRUIN2 3/15/2009 1:12PM

    Hope you find something that works for you.

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PAMELA984 3/15/2009 1:09PM

    I think you need to find a happy middle! You were probably too thin at 130 anyway - but you can't just throw all caution to the wind - still keep your healthy eating habits around - and have fun! But don't just ignore all of the things you have learned and eat mindlessly. You enjoy your workouts, so keep those up - you will be just fine!

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Where I am now.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I am in such a different place, mentally and physically, than I was in fall '08. I've been putting off blogging about it because I'm not even sure what to make of it all. Lots to say, so I'll just jump right in.

* My weight - I have now seesawed back to where I started. Again. To put this in numerical terms (yuck), it means that I now weigh in the 160s again. I started SP in the 160s. I "sparked" myself down to the 130s and then went back to the 160s, and then back to the 130s, and now back at the 160s.

*One possible "solution" would be to go for somewhere in the middle - the 140s or 150s - and just aim to stay there. It occurs to me that I don't know HOW to do that!! Isn't that bizarre? I either eat "intuitively" and see my weight rise to the 160s (or higher), or I externally control my calories and my weight drops to the 130s. Even when I deliberately tried to maintain my weight once, at just under 150, by counting calories but sticking to around 2,200 calories a day, I lost weight. So it occurs to me to count calories but have a higher range, like 2,500. A possibility.. but aside from the physics of it, there is a psychological side too, where if I'm going to go through all the effort of counting calories, I'm not sure I'd be able to resist the temptation of trying to get my weight back to the 130s again. And the seesaw would continue.

*Another possible solution is to accept the seesaw, and just try to work out the timing so that I'm at my lower weight in the summer and my higher weight in the winter.

*As you can probably tell from what I've been saying, I have just about lost all confidence in my ability to maintain my weight in the 130s... and I'm even pretty skeptical about being able to maintain ANY weight lower than the 160s. I don't know if I shouldn't have read all those books about the set-point theory/health at any size/etc. Are they the answer to all my questions, or just a self-fulfilling prophecy? Am I back in the 160s now because I've been lazy and making poor choices, or is the 160s my biological destiny?!?!

*There are some responses that seem so obvious - things that seem like choices of free will, like exercising more, eating less. But are even these things subconsciously driven by biological forces? If not on a day-by-day basis, then at least over time? For example, let's say I decided to set up a very mild calorie decifit by exercising several times a week and sticking to a highish calorie range. The effect wouldn't be as immediate as if I were on a more severe calorie deficit, but over time the hunger would build up and I would eventually give in to my urges to eat, or to move less. It could even be subtle...the moment I'm not counting calories, I might eat a bit more unintentionally. And over time, these things would prevent me from maintaining a lower weight.

From a different perspective, I'm not sure what to make of my current look/state. The most immediate issue is my wardrobe. I don't fit into most of my clothes and I'm not feeling a strong desire to buy bigger ones. (The irony is that wearing clothes that are too small make me look fatter and feel bad about myself.) I haven't been to classes at the gym in a few weeks partially because I'm embarrassed about having the regulars there see how I look. However, I have been going to the gym and working out on my own. Yesterday I had a great workout actually. I did strength training just for my chest, 30 minutes on the elliptical, and about 15 minutes of jogging. I had tons of energy and felt fantastic... and then I went out and partied all day, literally! I went to a St. Patrick's Day Guiness kegger after lunch, and then met up with a friend to go bar hopping. St. P's is a big deal in Boston with all the people of Irish descent, so it was tons of fun. And I got a lot of male attention, which secretly was a huge relief because I'd been feeling so fat/unattractive lately. Actually, "a lot of male attention" just means that I got big-time hit on by a very cute 36 year old New Yorker who was visiting Boston for the weekend. This stopped when Jess showed up though, hehe.

I've mentioned this before recently, but I've been loving the freedom from counting calories. I don't have to suck the fun out of my weekends by planning out all my meals in advance. I can go out to eat, go out to drink, and I even have been able to expand my healthy options because now that I don't have to know the exact calorie amounts of everything I eat, it's so much easier to add some variety - for example, instead of having the precisely measured pumpkin pie smoothies for breakfast every day, some days I have a mango smoothie, or a butternut squash smoothie (sounds weird but tastes good with extra fruit), or a spinach omlette!!!

I have to go, so I will have to sum up by saying that there are pros and cons to letting my weight stay up high, and to trying to reduce it yet again. I still don't have a plan. But right now we're going to go out and enjoy some early spring sunshine on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon.

  


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