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Moving on

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Brrr. I am freezing. Mid morning in mid March and it's only 34 degrees with a cold wind at 13 mph. I am completing the last day of the Michael Mosely 3 1/2 day fast. That also makes me cold. This is the third time I have done this fast. Every time has been a completely different experience. This time the hardest obstacle was the cold. I really haven't felt hungry. Weak, tired, but not especially hungry.

It seems like it's easier to not eat at all than it is to eat in moderation. Slowly, I am beginning to accept this will be a battle I have to fight the rest of my life.

I am having a cold lunch today. I'm using the Spark menu for lunch. My biggest criticism of the Spark menu is the sparse number of hot meals they program. I HAVE to have hot food when it's cold. I'm eating a cold Spark lunch today to affirm to myself that I must make further changes in my lifestyle in order to achieve my weight loss and fitness goals. I am going to try to start using the Spark menu just once or twice a week for one meal. Since there are only the two of us that's likely to be four meals. It seems most of the recipes make four servings.

After freezing to death on my paper route today I'm going to have chicken noodle soup and half of a peanut butter sandwich for supper. Fresh pineapple chunks for dessert.

One of my fast days was Sunday. It was not any harder than the rest of the days. I CAN DO IT. I can control myself on Sunday. I will need to remind myself of this over the next few weeks. We are going to have a house full of company the week of April 7th. I am already talking to myself. It is NOT about the food. It's about the fellowship. I am trying to picture myself joyfully drinking a cup of peppermint tea instead of eating cookies from the bakery that I am going to order. I am trying to picture myself eating only one cookie with the cup of tea. Eat slowly. Savor. Laugh a lot. Really listen to the people around you. The people are more important than the food!

90 minutes until I can eat. EASE back into eating. Slow down. Enjoy. Add more new healthy habits. One small change at a time. Savor skinny.

With the fast I have dropped to under 140 pounds. Resolved: That I shall never weigh over 140 again. Can I keep that resolution? The drama continues.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILSHAR7 3/25/2014 12:01PM

    What is a Michael Mosely fast? I guess since you have fasted before, you know to start eating slowly and a little at a time.
That's right! It's not about the food, It's about the company and the fellowship. Enjoy them while they are there.
Use the food tracker and stay within your calorie range. You SHOULD be able to stay under 140. I'll bet you look incredible!!!
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EMSSBEARS 3/25/2014 11:46AM

    Good luck with your fast, you can do anything you set your mind to

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Aunt Lois

Monday, March 17, 2014

Yesterday was the best Sunday I have had in quite awhile. No binging. Some people would say I was borderline. I ate plenty. I just didn't feel out of control like I did last Sunday.

I didn't have problems with Sunday binges until I took the job with the paper. I think getting up in the middle of the night to go to work before we make the long pilgrimage to church has brought the underlying emotional issues I have with Sunday food to the surface with fierce force.

The depth of understanding I have about my Sunday eating issue is this. I miss Aunt Lois and all the things she represented.

Aunt Lois died in 2005 after a long and valiant fight with cancer. She never married. She lived with my grandma and grandpa and took care of them until their deaths. Grandpa died in 1959. Grandma passed away in 1982 (I think). Aunt Lois lived in the same house she was born in until she was so sick she had to go into a skilled nursing facility.

Aunt Lois was my second mom. She hardly ever babysat me, but I loved going over to her house, especially on Saturday mornings. Grandma baked sourdough bread every Saturday. She made lots of it because, usually, on Sunday their little house was packed with family and friends.

I always asked for the heel of the bread. I still love eating the heel of a warm loaf of bread. I love crusty bread. When I was very young, I remember Grandma saying, "The heel isn't the best part of the bread." But I asked for it so often, she quit saying anything.

I remember how the kitchen smelled, and how warm it was. It was a tiny, little, not at all fashionable house. Everything was very old, and it was packed with stuff. But it was always very clean. It was a farmhouse, " the middle of nowhere...," as my friends in college were fond of saying. One bathroom.

The pressure cooker was frequently going - usually with meat. The adults would settle in around the large kitchen table to talk. If my cousins were there, we would take our bread outside, eat, and then play. In fact we were usually instructed to do so. But they all lived several hours away. My brother and sister weren't born until I was almost a teenager, so usually it was just me. On those Saturdays I would often settle in with the grown ups and listen to the conversations. Farming, the weather (always utmost on a farmer's mind), news of family, news of neighbors, politics, religion. The topics ran the gamut. Coordinating plans for the next week's activities. Sometimes there was bustling around because we were going shopping. Lots of laughter. One of my most vivid memories of childhood is my great uncle's belly laugh.

On Sunday after church we were always invited to Aunt Lois and Grandma's house for Sunday dinner. They frequently had the preacher over. These were all men I had a tremendous amount of respect for. Although they varied in ability when it came to holding my attention from the pulpit, I enjoyed spending Sunday afternoons with them. And the little farmhouse was frequently packed.

One Sunday it was planned for the preacher to come over for dinner. There wasn't such a large group for lunch that Sunday. There was some doctrinal issue that had come to the forefront in the church. One of the other preachers that preached for us had preached at another congregation that morning. (We were on a circuit.) He stopped by midafternoon. He was wondering how to handle the issue. (I don't even remember what it was now.) As they were talking, there was a knock at the door. In walks a third preacher who was just driving by and saw their cars at Aunt Lois'. These were the three giants of my childhood spiritual growth. All with their Bibles out. All seeking guidance from the scriptures about how to handle the situation. Obviously, it was a powerful image for me.

The food at Aunt Lois'. "Just come over for sandwiches," she would say. The table would be about to break with all the food. She always wanted you to eat more. One time when my other grandma was visiting and staying with us, we had Sunday dinner at Aunt Lois'. When we got home that evening, Grandma H was pacing between my bedroom and hers. "Oh Gully (Her pet name for me.), I sinned. She talked about how much she ate and how delicious it was. We commiserated. I had eaten too much too, as usual. Finally, exasperated, she exclaimed, "NO ONE should be able to cook like that!"

I am missing Sundays at Aunt Lois'. Obviously, not just the food. But the food is what I am using to try to stay linked with her. Saturday is usually a big cooking day for me. I pack our Sunday lunches. I have for almost 20 years now. Initially, it was to save money, but now I realize how much I love the home cooking. I have a reputation at the little convenience store we stop at. The workers frequently ask me what we are having for lunch and comment about how good it smells. Of course it makes me smile.

Yesterday DH and I talked about how nice it will be someday to live closer to church and have people over for dinner after worship. But that isn't going to happen for awhile. Yesterday I sat with a quilt Aunt Lois made wrapped around me. I know she would be proud of me. Thinking about that helped me eat a little less than I have been on Sundays.

When we got home, I took a nap. I think that helped too. I made myself do one constructive thing I don't usually do on Sundays. I washed dishes.

I know the Sunday battles I'm having with my appetite aren't over, but I do feel like I've taken one step toward overcoming them.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEALTHY-SPARK 4/1/2014 4:37PM

    This is wonderful -- thanks for sharing.

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BAMAJAM2 3/17/2014 3:43PM

  Yes, your Aunt Lois would be proud of you, and so proud that you shared precious memories of her on this blog. What a wonderful blog to read. Your childhood environment sounds like the "Walton Mountain" neighborhood. You are lucky indeed to have these memories, especially memories of lots of laughter!

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Seduction of Inadequacy

Friday, March 07, 2014

"I can't do this because....." For me it's usually because I need to do something else first. I can't buy new clothes because I will lose more weight. Any clothes I buy now will be too big. My husband needs new clothes worse than I do. (I have been this weight since last June.)

I can't work outside because ________ is dirty in the house. If I piddle around long enough in the house, I never go outside and take care of business.

I can't have people over because the house isn't clean enough. The flowerbeds need cleaned out. I'm a crappy card player. So the house stays a little bit dirty. I tell myself that's why I don't have people over or work out in the yard as much as I say I want to.

Could it be that I am sabotaging myself because I don't really want to do these things? Why? Control is the first thing that comes to mind. I have this nice little routine I keep. We lead quiet, simple lives. Would I really want people to get so comfortable at our house that they just dropped by? We had that situation when we lived in Coffeyville, and we enjoyed it very much. What has changed?

Losing the last 15 pounds....what will be so different? What am I afraid of losing control of? I still resist making the changes that will take those last pounds off and keep them off. I will be 60 later this year. It's not like I'm going to be so drop dead gorgeous men will have trouble behaving around me. Yet, I am aware that the layer of body fat left to shed frequently feels like a comforting blanket.

I know my family background with food and my eating habits are all players in this drama too. I think I am at a point in my journey where I need to ask myself the question, "Why am I not wanting to do this?" My doctors are all thrilled and content to see the needle on the scale stay right where it is. Why shouldn't I be? I think I know the answer to that question.

Whatever the reason is that I keep sabotaging myself, it has to do with FEAR. I want to face it, understand it, and overcome it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SAMMYSWEETPEA 3/7/2014 10:44PM

    Wow, how did you get into my head? I really struggle with this sort of thinking. I'm glad to know I'm not alone!

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CMCBRIDE37 3/7/2014 9:30PM

    I think you are on the right path thinking these things through.

Good luck.

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Nightmare Torte

Sunday, March 02, 2014

I am back from my paper route safe and sound. The worst thing about this morning was not the roads, although they were slick. It was the cold and wind. I am still trying to warm up. DH went with me on the route. Now that's a supportive husband that will get up at 2 A.M. and go out in weather like this.

The blessing in all this is we are NOT making the pilgrimage to church today, so I will not have a monster Sunday. The stress for my day is over.

We came back home after the route and had a HUGE Sunday morning breakfast. Pancakes, sausage, scrambled eggs. I have had most of my calorie allotment for the day. I feel so content. I won't get hungry until this evening. Then I will snack on fruits and veggies. I am used to a cereal bar or maybe a homemade breakfast sandwich on the run on Sunday mornings. This was quite a rare treat.

I plan to take a nap. Then I want to browse through the strength training videos on Spark and try one for abs or strengthening your core muscles.

I also want to make some homemade chicken broth with the carcasses from the chickens I roasted yesterday. I probably will watch a Star Trek episode or two. In my opinion this is an ideal Sunday at long as the power stays on.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEALTHY-SPARK 3/2/2014 10:26AM

    I love getting your daily blogs now! Sounds like you are off to a perfect Sunday -- enjoy your day.

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MOTTAMAMALOU 3/2/2014 10:23AM

    Enjoy your day.
Bless you for doing your paper route. I know I couldn't. You ROCK!!

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Day 4

Friday, February 28, 2014

Just in time for the approaching winter storm, we purchased new patio furniture. Ha. It's just a little bistro table and two chairs. We got it at WalMart. It's very cute. I think we will have to sit out there in the ice storm and drink some hot tea.

The storm is supposed to be really bad. We are supposed to get a quarter of an inch of ice, possibly with snow on top. I can pick up my papers for delivery as early as 2 A.M. Sunday morning. I usually get them at 4. DH will help me deliver them. We are planning on getting them at 2:30 or 2:45. The roads are a concern. I would prefer to have the electricity stay on. We have a fireplace and a gas camp stove that we set up in the garage when the electricity stays off.

I signed up for swimming in Coffeyville this morning. I swam here in town for the last time until the pool opens again. I might have to cut back on my killer kickboard workout. I had to ice my right knee tonight. It might just be the storm front coming in. I am generally achy all over this evening, and it's not muscle aches.

I was excited to see the numbers on the scale this morning. Going down. Again. Finally. It was motivating. It kept me from going to my favorite Mexican restaurant in Coffeyville for lunch.

Tomorrow is shopping and cooking day. The bad weather is supposed to begin around noon. It will be a good day to have the oven going. I'm planning on making Chef Meg's herb roasted chicken.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HOTPINKCAMARO49 2/28/2014 11:20PM

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