Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Gosh, where do I even begin? My hope/faith in myself has gone. So sad to say, but I have lost that motivation. I am exhausted. It all started back in September when my husband deployed. It was beyond stressful doing everything by myself, with my 4 boys all 6 and under in -40 degree weather. It was hard. During which my appendix was removed as well. Little crazy things kept popping up, my kids were having a hard time emotionally and in school.
Anyway, I was so grateful when he came home back in February. I thought "Finally things can get back to normal"
Boy, I was so wrong. It was the beginning of a whole new life, or so it feels.
My baby boy began to have "breath holding speels". These spells are completely involuntary. They cause him to turn blue and pass out. The first time it happened was shortly after my husband returned from deployment. I didn't really think of it, it was more like a " umm what just happened?" kind of moment.
The second time he passed out, I was worried. I talked to my husband and doctor. Doctor said t was normal, he would grow out of it.
Third time, he passed out and began to have a seizure. His seizure lasted a few minutes. it was terrifying, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I just held him crying and screaming while my husband called 911. We thought he was dead.
Well, I took him to get some test done and his EEG cam back abnormal.
So, day after his first birthday, May 8th, my son once again had an episode. He was crying because I was brushing his brothers teeth, he wanted to be held. I thought, "okay little man, just wait a couple minutes". I came from out of the boys room, he was in the hall right next to the door. I saw him turn blue and pass out. He began to have another seizure, only this time much worse. After about 5 minutes of his seizure, I began to realize I needed to act NOW. I grabbed his medicine incase of emergencies, stripped him of his clothes and inserted it into his rectum. I called 911. I began to rub his back, lay him on his side, talk calm to him. Nothing was working, not even the medicine. My husband was gone at the gym so I had to utilize my 6 year old son for help. I feel so bad for doing so, I had no option. He cried and screamed " Why is moses shaking!!" .
Honestly, looking back I wish I would have informed my children more on the situation before . But, truthfully, I was not expecting another seizure from him.
Anyway, after 6-7 minutes after his emergency medicine he finally stopped having a seizure. The seizure was around 12 minutes long, which is pretty dang long, especially after medication. We had to ride in the ambulance with him (for the second time) this time he was on oxygen, it was terrifying .
So, we spent the night in the hospital with him, took him hours to "come back". It was horrific. He is now on seizure meds, they are thinking he might have epilepsy. We have done an MRI, which came back "normal" except for some mild hyper intensity.
I have another apt in town for him next week, and another EEG is vital after his last seizure.
This has all been so overwhelming. I cannot express in words the fear and pain of seeing my child, but NOT "seeing my child". In that moment I wonder, will he be the same when he wakes? Will this ever end? Why? Please God, make it stop.
So, I find myself back on the burner again. Anytime Moses is extremly upset, falls or is frustrated, he begins to hold his breath. I have to RUN to him, hold him, talk calm and hope for the best. Sometimes, most times, he just turns blue . Other times, passes out, and there is always that chance for another seizure.
I am also, the only person who can successfully calm him down. I actually had to come speeding back from the store the other day because my sweet husband couldn't calm him down.
I feel like all hope to becoming fit i gone, not just because I cannot really go anywhere without him, and have to be prepared for a seizure at all times, but I have lost that will to do so.
I feel so overwhelmed with what is going on at home, that I can not concentrate at all on me. I am a stress eater, and you don't get much more stressed than watching your baby like a hawk 24/7 .
Being a mom is my number one, he is most important right now. But, I still look in the mirror and want to cry. Just wish I could successfully juggle the two, hopefully with time.
If you pray, will you do so for my Moses?
Friday, March 07, 2014
Trying out a two week, no cheat plan. My hope is that this will get me back into the swing of things and boost my motivation. I am hoping if I look at things day by day for 2 weeks, it won't be so over whelming. These two weeks I have decided to not eat after dinner, eat oatmeal and less sugary breakfast foods and stick to protein (shakeology) and veggies based dinners. I am trying to eat more fresh foods for snack, like an apple or salad. I also will be waking up to go to the gym every morning before my family wakes, yes you heard that right. I am so excited!I have told this plan to my husband and he is going to help me not cheat. Here's to the next two weeks. I'll let you know how it goes March 21st
Friday, February 28, 2014
This is the Blog posted by the photographer
It's wonderful to have him home again. Now time to try to focus on myself, not just our boys :)
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Well I have 4 wonderful, healthy, gorgeous little boys. But, each of my pregnancies I am unable to workout due to preterm labor. I also eat like a crazy lady when pregnant. In short, I have gained around 60 pounds with each of my four boys. I am not one of those, gain the baby weight and it falls off kind of ladies. EACH time after having a baby I have had to fight to get that weight off, fight hard. Each time has been harder than the time before. First time, fell off as soon as I started trying, second, had to push a bit harder but got it off. After my third son, I had to work hard to get it off and it took over a year. This time, my son if 9 months old and I am still no where near my goal.
My husband deployed back in September and is now coming back this month. I look the same, and I feel like I failed us both.
It was pretty much impossible for me to lose weight while he was gone, my stress level was at an all time high.
It is not easy raising four boys, all 6 and under, by myself. Especially while living in ND and it's often way to cold to even leave the house.
I feel my health is declining. I really need to step it up, now.
I don't know why my motivation is so hard to come by. I look in the mirror and get sad, I am always thinking of healthier options, but seldom do it.
Anyone have any tips? I really need to step it up so I can be a healthy mommy to my boys!
Deployment, with children was pretty much the hardest thing I have ever done. So glad it's almost over.
Sunday, October 06, 2013
My husband has officially been deployed for a week now... It has been the hardest week ever! We have been apart before, 6 months while we were engaged. About 2 months for tech school, a month or 2 for basic and a couple months for school. BUT we have never had children while he has been gone. Now I am facing 5 months without him and with our 4 young boys, Noah 6, Ezra 4, Bobby 2, and Moses almost 5 months. I have had no time for myself, my kids have been throwing more tantrums, my 6 year old has been crying in school.. it has been hard! I am not looking forward to the holidays without my sweet hubby. We live in North Dakota and it gets crazy cold here... like -40 with the wind chill. Not sure how I am going to manage?
Really had high weigh loss goals or this deployment 30-40 pounds. but this last week has been so hard.. I have been a bit sad, and stressed... so eating more than I should. Not to mention I had the goal to workout nights, too hard in the morning with getting my kids ready for school and all the things I need to do.. but by the time night hits I am EXHAUSTED! So I am thinking maybe figure out something in the morning now? It has been an adjustment far worse than I was expecting! :( Thankfully it is getting a little better each day. I am feeling lonely, my husband and I are very close. During the day, it is kinda how it always is because I stay at home and my hubby works. BUT at night and evenings/weekends I feel pretty lonely! I have not been sleeping at night so well, I am sure that doesn't help with the weight loss. Anyway, really need to step it up and try to be happy! Any words of advice?
My boys got their daddy dolls in the mail today! Hope they help :)
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