SELENAMDZ   10,191
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This is beyond my control. Any advice? I feel helpless.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Gosh, where do I even begin? My hope/faith in myself has gone. So sad to say, but I have lost that motivation. I am exhausted. It all started back in September when my husband deployed. It was beyond stressful doing everything by myself, with my 4 boys all 6 and under in -40 degree weather. It was hard. During which my appendix was removed as well. Little crazy things kept popping up, my kids were having a hard time emotionally and in school.
Anyway, I was so grateful when he came home back in February. I thought "Finally things can get back to normal"
Boy, I was so wrong. It was the beginning of a whole new life, or so it feels.
My baby boy began to have "breath holding speels". These spells are completely involuntary. They cause him to turn blue and pass out. The first time it happened was shortly after my husband returned from deployment. I didn't really think of it, it was more like a " umm what just happened?" kind of moment.
The second time he passed out, I was worried. I talked to my husband and doctor. Doctor said t was normal, he would grow out of it.
Third time, he passed out and began to have a seizure. His seizure lasted a few minutes. it was terrifying, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I just held him crying and screaming while my husband called 911. We thought he was dead.
Well, I took him to get some test done and his EEG cam back abnormal.
So, day after his first birthday, May 8th, my son once again had an episode. He was crying because I was brushing his brothers teeth, he wanted to be held. I thought, "okay little man, just wait a couple minutes". I came from out of the boys room, he was in the hall right next to the door. I saw him turn blue and pass out. He began to have another seizure, only this time much worse. After about 5 minutes of his seizure, I began to realize I needed to act NOW. I grabbed his medicine incase of emergencies, stripped him of his clothes and inserted it into his rectum. I called 911. I began to rub his back, lay him on his side, talk calm to him. Nothing was working, not even the medicine. My husband was gone at the gym so I had to utilize my 6 year old son for help. I feel so bad for doing so, I had no option. He cried and screamed " Why is moses shaking!!" .
Honestly, looking back I wish I would have informed my children more on the situation before . But, truthfully, I was not expecting another seizure from him.
Anyway, after 6-7 minutes after his emergency medicine he finally stopped having a seizure. The seizure was around 12 minutes long, which is pretty dang long, especially after medication. We had to ride in the ambulance with him (for the second time) this time he was on oxygen, it was terrifying .
So, we spent the night in the hospital with him, took him hours to "come back". It was horrific. He is now on seizure meds, they are thinking he might have epilepsy. We have done an MRI, which came back "normal" except for some mild hyper intensity.
I have another apt in town for him next week, and another EEG is vital after his last seizure.
This has all been so overwhelming. I cannot express in words the fear and pain of seeing my child, but NOT "seeing my child". In that moment I wonder, will he be the same when he wakes? Will this ever end? Why? Please God, make it stop.
So, I find myself back on the burner again. Anytime Moses is extremly upset, falls or is frustrated, he begins to hold his breath. I have to RUN to him, hold him, talk calm and hope for the best. Sometimes, most times, he just turns blue . Other times, passes out, and there is always that chance for another seizure.
I am also, the only person who can successfully calm him down. I actually had to come speeding back from the store the other day because my sweet husband couldn't calm him down.
I feel like all hope to becoming fit i gone, not just because I cannot really go anywhere without him, and have to be prepared for a seizure at all times, but I have lost that will to do so.
I feel so overwhelmed with what is going on at home, that I can not concentrate at all on me. I am a stress eater, and you don't get much more stressed than watching your baby like a hawk 24/7 .
Being a mom is my number one, he is most important right now. But, I still look in the mirror and want to cry. Just wish I could successfully juggle the two, hopefully with time.
If you pray, will you do so for my Moses?
any advice?
Thank you

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SOUL2SHINE79 6/25/2014 11:14AM

    God Bless your beautiful Moses. I will say prayers for him and your stress. I can't even imagine your stress right now. My littlest was born May 8th, 2013 a day after your little guy...she was having acid reflux issues where she would spit up clear fluid at night and start gasping for breath, scared the living begeezus out of me...and of course it wouldn't happen at the dr. office, so I don't think they took it a serious as it was. So I can only imagine the stress you are going through. A friend of mine, her little guy used to have seizures when he was little- and his testing came back normal also...and he eventually outgrew it. I pray that happens for your little Moses. I hope he will outgrow this and get better soon. Please take care, and take time for yourself when you can. ((((HUGS))))

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    WOW I cannot imagine what you have gone through! You are definitely dealing with a lot!! I think in situations like what you are going through putting yourself on the back burner doesn't have to be a "I gave up on myself" decision. Maintaining what success you have had is also a HUGE success!!! Also remember even if you are on the back burner that doesn't mean it is all over it just means you have other priorities that must come first at this time, YOU ARE STILL ON THE STOVE ;)

If you're looking for advice, don't be so hard on yourself and if maintaining is what you can do then that is still a success. emoticon

You are in my prayers. emoticon

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GARDENCHRIS 5/29/2014 12:36PM

    gosh so sorry this is happening ..... I also raised 4 boys and I know how stressful just the normal stuff is.... can't imagine what you are dealing with. BUT I have to tell you, Ican hear how much you love your children..... IF YOU are not healthy also how will you care for your children???? REMEMBER do it for them if that is what you have to think about for right now, they are counting on you to care for them, so do WHATEVER is necessary to take care of your self! emoticon

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ASHWILLDOTHIS 5/28/2014 8:48PM

    I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I work with patients that have seizures but if it were my own child I would be as stressed and as worried as you are. I pray that his medications help him and you learn more from his tests. I am thinking about you and your family.


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ONE*BUSY*MOM 5/28/2014 2:52PM

    Oh my dear Selena, we have been friends on SP for so long and I have been so happy for you as I watched your family grow. I'm not on SP much anymore, but I felt compelled to write to you after reading your blog. I know this is a tough time in your life right now and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Being a mother is a job like no longer -- I read once that it is like having your heart walk outside your body, and that is so true. We are so vulnerable as we watch our children grow, and we are even more vulnerable when they are struggling, particularly with a health issue over which we have no control.

I know hard it is to have a struggling child and feel that you have absolutely no time or energy left for yourself. Yes, I do. It is so unbelievably difficult, but Selena, you have the strength to get through this. You are tough, you are a Mama Bear, and when things get better for little Moses, you will find yourself on the other side of the journey, looking at the mirror and seeing something that may even surprise you -- you will see the power of your own will, courage, and commitment to what's important to you.

Remember our bodies are constantly changing. We get pregnant, we give birth, we nurse our children, we hug them when they need comfort, and we lift them up when they fall. In time we get our bodies back and they have been forever changed. But they are still our bodies and we should be proud of what they have done. Eventually you will be able to commit to getting fit again, but in the meantime, know there is light at the end of the tunnel. And on the other side there will be an even more amazing you waiting to embrace you.

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Comment edited on: 5/28/2014 2:55:42 PM

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ABAKER34 5/28/2014 10:24AM

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. My youngest son (4 now) suffered from febrile seizures up until he turned about 1, and has grown out of them. They were caused from temperature spikes (especially when he was teething). Any sudden increase in his temperature could bring one on so I felt like we were chasing him around with a thermometer all of the time. There is nothing scarier in the world than to see your baby go through a seizure and to be helpless to do anything about it. Keep doing what your doing and taking care of your family.

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2 week plan

Friday, March 07, 2014

Trying out a two week, no cheat plan. My hope is that this will get me back into the swing of things and boost my motivation. I am hoping if I look at things day by day for 2 weeks, it won't be so over whelming. These two weeks I have decided to not eat after dinner, eat oatmeal and less sugary breakfast foods and stick to protein (shakeology) and veggies based dinners. I am trying to eat more fresh foods for snack, like an apple or salad. I also will be waking up to go to the gym every morning before my family wakes, yes you heard that right. I am so excited!I have told this plan to my husband and he is going to help me not cheat. Here's to the next two weeks. I'll let you know how it goes March 21st

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THELILMERMAID 3/10/2014 11:37AM

    Sounds like a plan! Glad your hubs is home & able to support you with your goals.

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PENNYSAVER2 3/8/2014 9:26AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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My husband is HOME from deployment :)

Friday, February 28, 2014

This is the Blog posted by the photographer

It's wonderful to have him home again. Now time to try to focus on myself, not just our boys :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MUSTANGAMORE 3/7/2014 10:01AM

    So happy for you!!!

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    Yeah! Congratulations!

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THEEXERCISER 3/3/2014 8:44AM

    emoticon emoticon

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MAERETH 3/1/2014 1:15PM

    How wonderful!

Thank you to your husband and to you and your family for your service and sacrifice.


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JUSTLYLE 3/1/2014 8:32AM

    Oh, so happy for all! Tell him thanks so much for his service to his country!

Skeeter emoticon

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KOFFEENUT 2/28/2014 9:28PM

    What a blessing to have ALL of your family together again! Thanks for sharing pictures of such a happy homecoming!!!

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GARDENCHRIS 2/28/2014 6:53PM

    so glad for all of you! AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE!!!!! emoticon

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GRACEOMALLEY 2/28/2014 3:02PM

    I am so pleased for all of you that you have him home safe and sound.

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Lost Hope.. trying to find that motivation again

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Well I have 4 wonderful, healthy, gorgeous little boys. But, each of my pregnancies I am unable to workout due to preterm labor. I also eat like a crazy lady when pregnant. In short, I have gained around 60 pounds with each of my four boys. I am not one of those, gain the baby weight and it falls off kind of ladies. EACH time after having a baby I have had to fight to get that weight off, fight hard. Each time has been harder than the time before. First time, fell off as soon as I started trying, second, had to push a bit harder but got it off. After my third son, I had to work hard to get it off and it took over a year. This time, my son if 9 months old and I am still no where near my goal.
My husband deployed back in September and is now coming back this month. I look the same, and I feel like I failed us both.
It was pretty much impossible for me to lose weight while he was gone, my stress level was at an all time high.
It is not easy raising four boys, all 6 and under, by myself. Especially while living in ND and it's often way to cold to even leave the house.
I feel my health is declining. I really need to step it up, now.
I don't know why my motivation is so hard to come by. I look in the mirror and get sad, I am always thinking of healthier options, but seldom do it.
Anyone have any tips? I really need to step it up so I can be a healthy mommy to my boys!

Deployment, with children was pretty much the hardest thing I have ever done. So glad it's almost over.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

APPLEPIEDREAMS 2/21/2014 11:24AM

    Start small. Try some of the free exercise videos SparkPeople has available. One of the things that really helped me was to get a used stationary bike for a good price off craigslist. Upright stationary bikes don't take up much space and are relatively inexpensive. And then you have something right there and don't have to worry about getting out of the house or finding someone to watch your boys.

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LADYKOPPER3309 2/16/2014 6:58PM

    I know I am a little late commenting on your bolt but I really did get tears in my eyes when I read your post and all the comments. First off I would like to Thank you, your Husband and your family for the sacrifices that you have made to keep our Country safe!!!! Secondly, a failure...NO WAY! Can't imagine you even have time to put clothes on every day or even brush your teeth. Just start today and do one thing different whether it be drink 8 glasses of water or walk up and down the stairs a few extra times. Once you make a change and stick with it then add something else a couple of days later and other things will start to follow. Don't try to take on everything at once you already have enough on your plate! We are right here with you. GOOD LUCK! emoticon

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THELILMERMAID 2/14/2014 10:54AM

    You're a great mom & you can do this! My husband travels for work usually every Mon-Friday. It's challenging for me to cook dinner every night when he's away. On my good weeks I meal plan & shop on the weekend. It's also good to make extra & freeze some dinners. There are a lot of easy, healthy crockpot dinners you can freeze in advance. It's hard for me too to get out of the house with 3 little ones. Is there anyone that can help you? Maybe on your grocery days?

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GRACEOMALLEY 2/13/2014 4:04PM

    1. You are NOT a failure. You are raising 4 boys with your husband being deployed - that's a big job and big success right there.

2. It didn't take a few weeks to gain the weight and get out of shape, so it won't be fixed in a few weeks. Be realistic and start by building some basic healthy daily habits - drinking at least 8 glasses of water a day and doing at least one or two of Coach Nicole's video workouts every day (they're available to view here on SPARK for free) AND tracking your food and eating sensible numbers of calories.

3. Start small. You'll probably need to build up to doing more exercise than I've suggested above, so look for workouts you can handle now. You'd be surprised at what working out for a 10 minute video 2 times a day will do for you. You can also try Cardio Dancing. There are videos of that on U-tube - again for free - and you can dance to get some cardio calorie burning and exercise.



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2014TODAY 2/13/2014 1:45PM

    I'm thinking that maybe it's best to not fight and try very hard but just set a few small goals that you know you can do. Don't push yourself very hard because I think that will often backfire - but push yourself a little bit.
I believe you can be proud of yourself that you managed to get the weight off three times already. Maybe now it's a good time to just find steady healthy habits so you can be consistent and not gain a lot of weight any more in the future.

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*DAISYJO* 2/13/2014 1:38PM

    I'm so sorry! Deployments are really tough... Now having a child, I can only imagine how much more difficult it would have been to do it as a mother instead of just alone. I am so glad he is almost home. You are awesome and raising four boys under 6 is absolutely incredible. Try not to get too down on yourself. Every day is a new one and you can change your future and make it into whatever you want!

As for ideas, what about doing workout DVDs at home while the boys play? I do this with my little 1 year old and it works out quite well. I'm so sorry you live in such a cold place otherwise stroller rides! Maybe go to the mall or go swimming indoors? And healthy food to make healthy recipes and meals.

Anyway, you are awesome and you deserve to have been stressed and anxious during this deployment. The last thing you should worry about is if you are at your ideal weight. But now that he is coming home, you get to focus on yourself since you'll have some help. Good luck! I hope you stay in touch on here. I am also trying to lose weight (like always) and we can do this together!

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NOILEDNWAD 2/13/2014 11:19AM

    I'm with Mustangamore on this one! You are no where near a failure! You've done the best you could with the cards you were dealt. I have 3 children, 7, 3 and 2. My last 2 are adopted so I didn't have weight gain during a pregnancy, I had weight gain after their arrival. Babies take a lot of time and energy and if your support system isn't there, something has to give. Usually what gives for a busy Mom is time for yourself. I'm asking you to do this one thing for yourself, and give yourself a break, you know what your past looked like, it's time to figure out what your future will be!

When I started back with SP in December, I started doing 10 minute videos 2x a day. That's it. It was hard to start because I was so tired all the time. Finding the time to do the 10 minutes wasn't hard. Making myself do it was. I would have much rather sat down for 10 minutes and put my feet up but that choice wasn't helping me feel better. Instead I put my sister's voice in my head and heard her say "suck it up buttercup" and I did my 10 minutes. It's only been 2 months and I'm already feeling tons better!

It's so exciting that your husband is coming back home after his deployment! You've got some fantastic adjustments coming your way, enjoy your time together as a family! emoticon

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MAERETH 2/13/2014 10:43AM

    I agree with EVERYTHING Mustangamore said below: you are SO not a failure!!


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MUSTANGAMORE 2/13/2014 8:38AM

    This broke my heart a little- you are the farthest thing from a failure! Raising those 4 boys especially as a single Mom during deployment- keeping the home fires burning- you are a hero! It's no secret that Mom's have less time for themselves and put their own needs last. Things will get easier- your husband will be thrilled with his beautiful wife and family. You put the expectations on yourself- now give yourself a break & forgive yourself for not being perfect- none of us are. Hugs!!!! Jan emoticon

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WDIPIM 2/13/2014 7:29AM

  try to use your 4 boys as motivation. You need to be healthy for them - they NEED you. Good luck!

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This is not easy :(

Sunday, October 06, 2013

My husband has officially been deployed for a week now... It has been the hardest week ever! We have been apart before, 6 months while we were engaged. About 2 months for tech school, a month or 2 for basic and a couple months for school. BUT we have never had children while he has been gone. Now I am facing 5 months without him and with our 4 young boys, Noah 6, Ezra 4, Bobby 2, and Moses almost 5 months. I have had no time for myself, my kids have been throwing more tantrums, my 6 year old has been crying in school.. it has been hard! I am not looking forward to the holidays without my sweet hubby. We live in North Dakota and it gets crazy cold here... like -40 with the wind chill. Not sure how I am going to manage?
Really had high weigh loss goals or this deployment 30-40 pounds. but this last week has been so hard.. I have been a bit sad, and stressed... so eating more than I should. Not to mention I had the goal to workout nights, too hard in the morning with getting my kids ready for school and all the things I need to do.. but by the time night hits I am EXHAUSTED! So I am thinking maybe figure out something in the morning now? It has been an adjustment far worse than I was expecting! :( Thankfully it is getting a little better each day. I am feeling lonely, my husband and I are very close. During the day, it is kinda how it always is because I stay at home and my hubby works. BUT at night and evenings/weekends I feel pretty lonely! I have not been sleeping at night so well, I am sure that doesn't help with the weight loss. Anyway, really need to step it up and try to be happy! Any words of advice?

My boys got their daddy dolls in the mail today! Hope they help :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATHYD82 10/17/2013 6:40PM

    Hi Selena! I was just sort of surfing through sparkpeople and friends of friends...and found your post! I had to respond, because I know where you are coming from... my husband was not in the service, but I have had 6 children and I know the ups and downs of weight like you are going through. I pretty much was at the same weights that you posted before and after the kids too! Same weight gain in pregnancy etc. My advice for you is this....FIND the time for your exercise and you will start to have everything else fall in line. Exercise does so much for our mindset. It gives you the boost and energy that you need! I know that I cannot wait till the end of the day to exercise...and I especially couldn't do that when the kids were little. Is it possible at all to get up before they do? Can you get an on demand exercise show on your tv, or do you have a dvd you can use at home? How about anyone that you could trade 1 hour of babysitting time with a few times a week? Do the kids ever have a predictable time that they nap that you could fit in exercise? I just want to encourage you to not give up on your goals. Don't feel like its impossible, its just going to take some planning ahead and flexibility to make it work!! You know that skill with having 4 boys!! By the way, I have 4 boys too...and 2 daughters. Now that they are older (16-28) I look back on the years you are going through as very busy and challenging but also precious. Enjoy them as much as you can. And know that it will get easier with time, and you can still reach your goals! I hope the time until your husband is back home goes quickly. emoticon Kathy

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ONE*BUSY*MOM 10/17/2013 1:29AM

    Oh, Selena! I have been offline for awhile, even took my Sparkpage down, but logged on, read this, and my heart goes out to you. It sounds like a hard time right now, but I know you will handle it with the same grace and strength you have always demonstrated over the years I have known you on SP. Take care, I am sending you lots of hugs through cyberspace.

And what an adorable pic -- your boys are just beautiful. What a lucky mama you are!

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DJ4HEALTH 10/9/2013 1:51AM

    There should be programs on Base to help you with that. I think that it is the family center or something like that but it has been over 20 years since I used one when my husband was remote to Korea.

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ASHWILLDOTHIS 10/6/2013 5:50PM

    You are such a strong woman! Being a military wife isn't an easy job. My mom was one too.


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CHRISTINECAN 10/6/2013 1:09PM

    Those Daddy dolls are SO cute. The only advice I have is when you feel you want to, REACH OUT. Whether it's to Sparkers or families or friends, do NOT hesitate.

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THEEXERCISER 10/6/2013 12:02PM

    I hope things turn out better for you emoticon What a great picture of your boys I love the idea of a Daddy doll!

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