Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Gosh, where do I even begin? My hope/faith in myself has gone. So sad to say, but I have lost that motivation. I am exhausted. It all started back in September when my husband deployed. It was beyond stressful doing everything by myself, with my 4 boys all 6 and under in -40 degree weather. It was hard. During which my appendix was removed as well. Little crazy things kept popping up, my kids were having a hard time emotionally and in school.
Anyway, I was so grateful when he came home back in February. I thought "Finally things can get back to normal"
Boy, I was so wrong. It was the beginning of a whole new life, or so it feels.
My baby boy began to have "breath holding speels". These spells are completely involuntary. They cause him to turn blue and pass out. The first time it happened was shortly after my husband returned from deployment. I didn't really think of it, it was more like a " umm what just happened?" kind of moment.
The second time he passed out, I was worried. I talked to my husband and doctor. Doctor said t was normal, he would grow out of it.
Third time, he passed out and began to have a seizure. His seizure lasted a few minutes. it was terrifying, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I just held him crying and screaming while my husband called 911. We thought he was dead.
Well, I took him to get some test done and his EEG cam back abnormal.
So, day after his first birthday, May 8th, my son once again had an episode. He was crying because I was brushing his brothers teeth, he wanted to be held. I thought, "okay little man, just wait a couple minutes". I came from out of the boys room, he was in the hall right next to the door. I saw him turn blue and pass out. He began to have another seizure, only this time much worse. After about 5 minutes of his seizure, I began to realize I needed to act NOW. I grabbed his medicine incase of emergencies, stripped him of his clothes and inserted it into his rectum. I called 911. I began to rub his back, lay him on his side, talk calm to him. Nothing was working, not even the medicine. My husband was gone at the gym so I had to utilize my 6 year old son for help. I feel so bad for doing so, I had no option. He cried and screamed " Why is moses shaking!!" .
Honestly, looking back I wish I would have informed my children more on the situation before . But, truthfully, I was not expecting another seizure from him.
Anyway, after 6-7 minutes after his emergency medicine he finally stopped having a seizure. The seizure was around 12 minutes long, which is pretty dang long, especially after medication. We had to ride in the ambulance with him (for the second time) this time he was on oxygen, it was terrifying .
So, we spent the night in the hospital with him, took him hours to "come back". It was horrific. He is now on seizure meds, they are thinking he might have epilepsy. We have done an MRI, which came back "normal" except for some mild hyper intensity.
I have another apt in town for him next week, and another EEG is vital after his last seizure.
This has all been so overwhelming. I cannot express in words the fear and pain of seeing my child, but NOT "seeing my child". In that moment I wonder, will he be the same when he wakes? Will this ever end? Why? Please God, make it stop.
So, I find myself back on the burner again. Anytime Moses is extremly upset, falls or is frustrated, he begins to hold his breath. I have to RUN to him, hold him, talk calm and hope for the best. Sometimes, most times, he just turns blue . Other times, passes out, and there is always that chance for another seizure.
I am also, the only person who can successfully calm him down. I actually had to come speeding back from the store the other day because my sweet husband couldn't calm him down.
I feel like all hope to becoming fit i gone, not just because I cannot really go anywhere without him, and have to be prepared for a seizure at all times, but I have lost that will to do so.
I feel so overwhelmed with what is going on at home, that I can not concentrate at all on me. I am a stress eater, and you don't get much more stressed than watching your baby like a hawk 24/7 .
Being a mom is my number one, he is most important right now. But, I still look in the mirror and want to cry. Just wish I could successfully juggle the two, hopefully with time.
If you pray, will you do so for my Moses?