Friday, February 18, 2011
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
QUESTION OF THE DAY: Are you remembering this important step? If you have not yet reached Step 10, can you see the value in conducting a daily self-inspection?
I have a daily 10th step that I submit to my sponsor and some other folks that keep me grounded...I thought the format might prove helpful to some of you so I've cut and pasted one that I did the other day below. For me, it's been instrumental in my recovery, keeping me honest, but also allowing me to feel my feelings daily.
Love in Recovery,
Daily 10th Step ~ Honesty at all Costs!
¥ I was abstinent today
¥ Got a great deal on some shoes for the kids
¥ My nephew helped make dinner
¥ Realized I do have a picture with my friend you passed away, made ma happy
¥ My kids had a good Valentine’s day
¥ I love my office
Was I selfish?
No I don't think so...
Was I resentful?
Yes, I was actually a pretty sour pickle today. My boss is annoying and I am on a board of directors with another woman who does NOTHING, and there were several times today when I caught myself talking about them behind their backs and I tried not to, but did it anyway. I thought about doing it 10 times and only did it 6…so it that progress? I actually tweeted to myself that I don’t have to constantly say what I think, but it only staved off my behavior for a minute. Tomorrow I will work hard not to be nasty behind people’s backs.
Was I dishonest?
I don’t think so
Was I afraid?
Initial thought was no, but in retrospect, I am fearful about a trip coming up after my conference…I’ll be gone for almost 2 weeks and I’m worried how my husband will feel when the rubber meets the road…makes me nervous.
Do I owe an amends?
No, not really, I mean guess I could tell the people I spoke about that I was talking trash about them and apologize but not sure it would help much. Truthfully I’m burning the candle at both ends and to hear someone (who is co-chair and does nothing) ask questions like “why don’t you just do this or that,” it makes my blood boil, so I pushed back…hey Jackie, could you go ahead and take those action items? I could tell she didn’t want to but finally agreed. I think there is a fine line between getting treated like a door mat and making your boundaries known…I’m still working on it.
Did I eat my meal plan?
Yes I ate a weighed and measured food plan…
What I had:
Breakfast: 2 nutrigrain waffles, ½ banana, 1 patty, coffee and skim
Lunch: 5 oz steak, 1 potato, 2.5 T reduced sour cream, tomato, onion
Snack optional: 1 ww cream cheese, 2 JJ flats
Dinner: 1 ½ cup stew with veggies, ¾ cup red beans, 1 cup rice
Did I exercise?
Did my physio exercises
My Plan for tomorrow:
Breakfast: oatmeal, berries, 1 egg, 1 egg white, 1 english muffin, coffee and milk
Lunch: 5 oz chicken, onion roll, onion, light mayo, 3 oz baked fries, tomato, lettuce
Snack optional: 1 ww cream cheese, 2 JJ flats, 1 tomato or cream cheese and celery
Dinner: 2.5 oz penne pasta, ricotta, mozzarella cheese, spinach and 1 pc lite garlic toast
Monday, February 07, 2011
To me, boasting about the cross is about action, not lip service. Am I walking in his Spirit, am I being honest? Am I being a light to others? If I profess my love for Christ on Sunday and flip someone off on the way to work on Monday...am I being the message? For me, today, it's about being completely and totally honest and coming the foot of the cross minute by minute to ask for guidance, forgiveness and mercy.
Love in recovery,
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Well was chugging along with my weight loss and things were going great...then I got caught up. I was struggling to find my serenity, my behaviors started to creep back in and I needed to get centered again. Spoke to my sponsor and we decided that for a while I need to focus on my plan and not focus on weighing in. I've been doing the work and have been honest which is huge. I've slowly started to get that third leg of the stool back on track and I feel so much better. As someone with an eating disorder, it's imperative to stay mindful that this is not about vanity for me, it's about saving my life. The scale is not important, it's a tool, like all the others and it does not have power over me or my program.
I'm so blessed that I am abstinent today, sobriety is saving me from the hell of my eating disorder. I will continue to go to meetings, do the work, write down all the food, make calls, do the steps and reach out to others who suffer. I will take inventory and try to focus on what's next to learn and conquer...progress NOT perfection!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
For me, Christmas has really been about longing, depression, a false smile and unrealistic expectations...each year in September, right before my birthday I would be reminded that yet another year had gone by and all my false promises to myself had not been realized. I would of course throw in the towel because, why bother, the Trifecta of Holiday celebrations was about to commence and I was going to binge and purge my way through it.
I'd strap on a velour sweat suit and settle in for the winter...I wouldn't really try to look cute, because, well I was extremely bloated and uncomfortable ( I'd venture to say I would typically gain 10 to 15lbs each Christmas). I would go to my annual "girls night out," bitter and jealous that I was 100lbs fatter than all my cute friends, wondering if I could stop for fast food on the way home from dinner in an attempt to make myself feel better, all the while swearing this was going to be the last year, that beginning in January I would suddenly "get it" and become a new me.
This year, I am turning my attentions to my behaviors...I've gotten loosey goosey with my food, a bite here a nibble there...I didn't weigh my meat on Thanksgiving, I'm craving Diet Coke, basically my program needs to become tightened up because I know this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful! I do NOT WANT BACK THE HELL FROM WHENCE I WAS DELIVERED!!
This year, this Christmas is about clean and simple, clean and simple food, people, events, gifts....I'm striving to remember that this season is about Christ and how his birthday saved me, how Mary's and Joseph's faith contributed to my ultimate salvation...that everyday I fall short, but that Christchild was born to die, so that I might live...that's what it's about, not my hiding, my gorging, my purging, my self-hatred, it's about deliverance for hell which is just what OA has done for me!
In love and recovery,
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I'm amazed at the year I've had to date...I saw a picture of myself the other day and I saw myself with new eyes...didn't realize I was really that heavy...I knew I was overweight, had a problem with food, but never really saw myself that big.
I'm excited about Thanksgiving this year...it should be a great time...although my Grama has gone, we will celebrate and uphold our traditions, it wont be the same but it will be good.
This year I will start my day with a nice long walk, I will pick out a cute outfit (never did that before...I was always scarfing and cooking etc., that I looked frazzled and tired and hot and exhausted, not to mention stuffed to the gills). I will plan for food I enjoy that is on my food plan, I will have my mother bring the pies and I will not eat before the meal (before I would eat an entire meal as I cooked). I may attend an OA meeting.
I will take pictures (didn't do a ton of that at Thanksgiving) and I will make a list of things I'm grateful for...
I will prepare turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes (without sugar and marshmallows...still looking for a new recipe), roasted vegetables, stuffing with butternut squash, oyster stuffing, noodle gravy, meatballs, green bean casserole, and rolls. I will have my MGD light beer and we will eat off my favorite china...I wont be binging and purging, I wont be looking at my reflection thinking "next year I'm gonna do something about this" I wont be wishing I could wear "regular sized" clothes or pissed off that I have to wear sweats because I'm so uncomfortable...I'm going to listen to the birds singing, I'm going to praise God for the fact that I'm given second and 1000th chances, I will dance at the fact I'm less than I've been since high school, I will rejoice that I feel better, that my blood pressure is now normal and my blood work was exemplary, that my CPAP machine is giving me fits because I've lost so much weight, that I'm kind of boney in places and that's ok...I'll be glad that someone told me the other day that I might be losing too much weight...I will be proud that I didn't give up and that I used the life preservers available, and that I'm reaching out to save the next person grasping for help.
LIFE IS GOOD....THERE IS MUCH FOR WHICH TO BE THANKFUL!!!
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