Monday, April 29, 2013
OK. I had a bit of a stumble the other day. My perception was that I'd had a bad week with several indiscretions. One thing led to another and I ended up making a very bad decision involving fast food.
This is how the whole thing went down...
Each week, I plan to have one "bad" meal. My husband and I go to our favorite little diner and I have a burger dip and French fries (like a French dip but with a burger instead). Normally, knowing that I have that one planned "bad" meal a week keeps me making good decisions the rest of the week.
Last Saturday, I went a little astray. We had a party at work to send a co-worker off to a new job. There were fried dumplings, sandwiches, bean dip & chips, veggies, cupcakes, crackers with cheese & meat. So many yummy things to eat! I started off just eating veggies with no dip. I didn't plan ahead, though. I sat back there on my lunch and ate things I knew were not good food choices. I kept track of everything I put in my mouth anyway.
Later that evening, as I was driving home, I thought about all of the things that I had consumed that day on top of having my weekly "bad" meal a few days earlier. I was so tired (having worked an extra hour and a half), I decided to indulge in one of my husband's favorites: fast food. We hit the drive-thru at his favorite place. Even as I ordered, I knew I was making a horrible choice. I ordered a deep-fried, chicken-bacon-ranch sandwich with a side of curly fries. Bad. Bad. Bad.
When I got home, I was feeling so guilty, I wasn't even going to enter the fast food into my food tracker. Then I realized, not logging that food wasn't helping anything and I was only being dishonest with myself. I added everything I'd eaten at work (which ended up not being nearly as bad as I had thought) and the fast food to my food tracker.
If only I had taken the time to log my lunch before making a decision on dinner, I might have made a better decision! The food I consumed at lunch was actually heavy in vegetables and I had only eaten a small amount of the poor choices. In fact, even though I had eaten small amounts of several different items, the nutritional counts were exactly where I should have been for a mid-day meal. And even having eaten the fast food, the only nutritional count that was over my recommended amount for the day was fat -- and even that wasn't too far off my daily target. Yes, I made a bad choice but I was really beating myself up inside over it.
In the end, I learned few things:
1. I make a lot of good choices most of the time.
2. I need to realize that my perception of things can be a bit skewed.
3. There is truth to the everything in moderation philosophy.
4. Track first then make decisions!
Even after having a rough end to the week, I turned around the next morning and went right back to making healthier food choices and eating right. And guess what?! I still lost 2 pounds last week!
Monday, April 01, 2013
Late last night, I posted a blog entry. I had a really, really bad day yesterday and I was feeling about as low as you can get. Why not post a blog with my rant so I could get things off my chest and move on? Everyone has those days where it feels like the world is against them. Everyone. If someone claims to be happy all of the time, they are liars.
Anyway, I knew if I didnít take a few minutes to rant, there was going to be no way I would be able to get to sleep. Those thoughts would have been running through my head all night long. I also knew that what I wrote would probably elicit some sort of response. With my state of being last night, it was a good thing that I did not see any of them. It was far better to read them this morning when I was feeling better. Even still, I am not going to lie, I actually deleted quite a few comments. They were that mean. Nothing like kicking the dog when it is downÖ
Someone actually told me to ďStop supersizing and upsizing.Ē Really?? If the person who wrote that is reading this, for your information, I donít eat fast food. Period. Nice ASSumption, though. Another person told me that fat people like me did not deserve insurance. Again, really? And this is just a couple of the nicer comments I received. Like I said, I was feeling about as low as I could get and it felt like the world was against me. If I had read those comments at the time, it would have felt like written proof that the world was against me. There is no telling where that line of thinking may have lead. It probably would not have been good, though.
What I would like to do now, is thank the few people who left nice comments. It is good to know there is still empathy out there. Your comments made me feel like I am not alone on this journey. Your kind words were very much appreciated. Thank you.
All the mean people out there, I know you donít really care but in my mind, Iím flippiní you off.
Monday, April 01, 2013
I am writing this on the evening of Easter. If you are looking for something inspiring and uplifting, look away. You aren't going to find it here today. Instead, you are going to find me going on in a depressed ramble. This is where I get to get things off my chest and (hopefully) move on.
Today, I hate myself. I am tired of being fat and I am tired of messing up all of the time. My weight rules my life. I try to put it aside and make like I can do anything. That isn't true, though. It is always there and I am beginning to realize that there are things I cannot do because of it. And furthermore, there is always a list of things I will do when I finally lose weight stored away in the back of my mind.
I think part of what has me so far down in the dumps today is in knowing what people think when they look at me. There are a lot of people out there with the tact to not say nasty things. No matter what, they cannot hide that look, though. You know the look. The one that says, "Eww, gross! How did she ever let herself get like that?" And, "She would lose the weight if only she would just not put the food into her mouth."
Oh my gosh! Why didn't I ever think of that?? If I just don't eat, I will lose the weight. Well then, that is that problem solved. Let's move on to the big problems in the world now.
WTF ever. If it was as easy as just deciding not to eat, I would be there already. Since I was about 8 or 9, all I ever wanted was to be thin. My family (OK, mostly my mother and a few of my siblings) made a point of instilling in my brain the fact that no one likes a fat girl. They also made sure that I knew that fat = ugly and fat = dumb. And most of society also seems to believe that fat = deaf with no feelings. Wow. Thoughts like that certainly lead to loads of self-confidence.
I think I have tried just about every diet known to man. I have also failed just about every diet known to man. I asked my doctor once to put me on a diet so I could lose weight. She sent me to a nutritionist and then pretty much told me to go join Weight Watchers then exercise. And then she pretty much told me to f**k off. Thanks for your help, doc. Great medical approach to the problem. Those are totally things I never would have thought to do ON MY OWN. And thanks for never following up on that issue just to make sure of my lack of success.
I also spent a few years working for a medical facility. The ironic thing is, the insurance offered by them did not cover weight management issues. If I so much as talked with my doctor about my weight or diet in a visit, insurance was not obligated to cover the visit. I would have to pay for the entire thing out of pocket (something I could not afford on the wages they were paying me). Also, their insurance did not cover visits with their own dietician. Can you say WTF??? Also, they had great prescription coverage. Only $4.00 per prescription, no matter what it was -- except, of course, prescription pertaining to diet and weight management.
There are a lot of people who say that insurance should not have to cover weight management issues. Why should everyone else have to pay for me being fat, right? Can anyone spot the problem with this picture? Weight issues are so interconnected with pretty much every other health issue out there. Diabetes? Check. Heart Disease? Check. Cancer? Check. Need I go on? Correct me if I am wrong here...Wouldn't it be less expensive to treat the problem rather than just the major issues to which it contributes? Seems like a no brainer to me.
Let's fast forward to the present. Still fat? Yep. Still hate myself because of it? Yep. Insurance still doesn't cover weight management? I'm going to guess no but I can't really say for sure because my insurance won't cover me because of my weight and we cannot afford the $600+ per month to add me to my husband's insurance. Result? I don't have any insurance and therefore, no medical care -- preventative or otherwise. Tick, tick, tick, anyone?
This has all become a vicious cycle. I hate myself because I am fat then I eat because I have no control when I am feeling low. Fatter and fatter and fatter.
In all honesty, I don't know where to go or what to do at this point. I tried to purge my house of unhealthy foods but that did not seem to work. I cannot expect my husband to give up his snacks because of me. Sometimes, I make up in my mind that this is going to be it. This is going to be the time when my resolve sticks and I finally move forward on the road to thin. And then there is horrible, twisted metal car accident and I am off on some other road, cruising with the top down, tossing back the neon orange cheezy poofs.
Anyway, that is my rant for today. I hate myself. If I could just eat vegetables or just not eat at all anymore, I would. I'm not asking to be as thin as the girls in the magazines. I just want to be healthy
Friday, February 03, 2012
Ever feel like you are just wandering aimlessly? I feel like that a lot of the time. I really wanted to try to join a local OA group. Iíve never been to one but I think it might be a good place for me. My biggest issues are mindless & emotional eating. When I couldnít find one that fits into my schedule that is local, I thought I would try an online meeting. Every single one I tried to enter was empty. Is it a sign that it isnít for me?
I started cosmetology school this week. I wanted to go when I was younger but my mother wouldnít allow it. She told me that, ďpeople like us donít do things like that.Ē I never put it out of my mind. It may have taken me twenty years to get there but I am there. So far, I really like it. I do have some anxiety about it, though. Being new to the Kent area, I know no one. In four weeks, I have my first big test and I have to provide my own model for it. Iím not going to lie. Iím really in a bit of a panic over it. Like I said, I donít know anyone and if I donít have my own model, the highest grade I can get is 80% -- which is the lowest grade I can get to pass. If I donít pass the test, I donít pass the class. As a result of this anxiety, I am having trouble sleeping. Without a good night of sleep, I find myself exhausted and havenít been making good food choices.
I am trying to change my life. I changed my location, am trying to change the way I eat, and am in the process of changing my occupation. I just hope that I donít crash and burn on the occupation part. I waited twenty years to make it to this point. How horrible would it be to make it this far and miss out on it just because I wasnít able to provide my own model for my test.
Monday, January 23, 2012
I feel horrible complaining about my mother in-law. As far as mother in-laws go, she is great. I'll take her over my own mother any day of the week.
So what is my big problem with her? Her food. She is all about the junk. Chips, coolies, candy...if is junk, she wants it. If there is junk in the house, I have a hard time not partaking, especially salty foods.
And that isn't all. I am a pretty good cook and have been doing all the cooking in our home for years. Over the past few years, I have learned to cook a lot healthier with appropriate portion sizes. She, however, is VERY picky -- won't touch most veggies. And when I do make something that she likes, she ALWAYS has two huge servings. That is where the problem is. I like to cook for several days at a time so it is easier to eat healthy foods when we're in a hurry. With her eating all the extra food, I have to spend more time cooking and less time doing other things.
Now, one would think that this could all be solved easy enough with if we were just to sit down and talk about it. Problem. My mother in-law is 78 and is at the point in her life health-wise and financially where she needs to live with us. She is a little child-like with her emotions and if we were to say anything at all to her in this arena, she would fly off the handle and insist on moving out. ARGH!
I am planning on going back to school next week in addition to looking for a part-time job so it is important now, more than ever, that I have that convenience in place if I want to eat really healthier. I figured out that when it comes to frozen meals, she will only eat Lean Cuisine. Therefore, I have been buying Smart Ones because I know she won't touch them. This is only a partial solution, though. I would really rather not eat a lot of processed, frozen meals.
I guess what I am looking for is a way to get a good part of the junk food out of the house and get her to eat appropriate portions of food.
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